Why do adults ghost others?

Visanideth said:

Thing is, she was telling him she wasn't interested in seeing him anymore when he stopped answering him and stopped arranging meetings with him. It's not particularly complex. If a girl stops answering your messages while still being active on her phone, then SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. It's not rocket science.

So if you see all that and despite her not calling you anymore and reading your messages and not answering and not answering your emails and Facebook pokes you still demand her to take action and tell you what's up, the issue isn't with her being unable to communicate the message but you demanding to dictate the way she does.

The issue isn't "How could I understand that this woman who is completely ignoring and avoiding me doesn't want to have anything to do with me?", it's "I demand that you explictely tell me it's over".

There's no communication issue here, it's a matter of social etiquette.

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You're talking about social etiquette and in this example she is showing none by not using her words to communicate a simple thing. There is no communication from her. And to say "she was already telling him" is bullshit. It shows complete social infancy to not be able to just tell someone the deal.

Reminder that I'm not talking a couple dates. I'm talking about something more like OP's situation here. You're creating this example where a guy goes on a date once or twice and then obsessively tries to contact the girl when it's clear she's not really into him. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about dating someone to the point where you both have expressed that you are very much into each other and want to see things develop, emotions and intimacy are involved (as what tends to happen 2 months in) and then just deciding to vanish on the person. It is absolutely rude and childish. You can say it's a thing that happens and that it's good to try and move past it but to actually try and justify it as a good thing is absurd.

Visanideth said:

That's absolutely up for discussion.

On the other hand, I've seen so many girls say "I'm sorry but I don't want to pursue this anymore as there's no potential" and guys answering "I disagree, we should keep trying" to know that sometimes politeness only leads to insistence.

So the problem becomes: you only have the right to hear him/her say "no" if you're willing to accept the "no". Maybe the person who ghosted you has been through several instances of writing "I'm not interested in seeing you anymore" and being immediately asked "Why?" that she doesn't want to put up with it anymore. In many ways, you're not worth the time. She's already moved on. You can demand the curtesy of being dedicated some time to explain and rationalize or you can respect her/his time and yours and just move on.

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Men insisting or demanding an explanation are also being rude.

It boils down to this: do we treat people with respect by default, assuming they are decent until proven otherwise, or do we let the disrespectful ones dictate how we treat everybody else?

Honestly? Probably because they don't want to be a potential domestic abuse victim.

Brass Body Dave said:

I mean, have you seen how dudes react to being told that it's not working out?

you'd ghost a motherfucker too

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This.

SuperiorTrashTalk said:

You're talking about social etiquette and in this example she is showing none by not using her words to communicate a simple thing. There is no communication from her. And to say "she was already telling him" is bullshit. It shows complete social infancy to not be able to just tell someone the deal.

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It really is not. If a person ignores you she doesn't care about you. If you refuse to accept such a simple fact than you're playing dumb on purpose or you issue isn't with the message being communicated but with how the message is communicated (ie you demand her to explicitely tells you instead of just letting you know by her behaviour).

Which is possibly absolutely reasonable but once again the problem isn't communication (you'd need to be obtuse not to get the message) but etiquette.

Reminder that I'm not talking a couple dates. I'm talking about something more like OP's situation here. You're creating this example where a guy goes on a date once or twice and then obsessively tries to contact the girl when it's clear she's not really into him. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about dating someone to the point where you both have expressed that you are very much into each other and want to see things develop, emotions and intimacy are involved (as what tends to happen 2 months in) and then just deciding to vanish on the person. It is absolutely rude and childish. You can say it's a thing that happens and that it's good to try and move past it but to actually try and justify it as a good thing is absurd.

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Honestly the "everything was going swimmingly and both people were equally invested until one of the two unexplicably disappeared" sound a lot less realistical than "one of the two parties was unwittingly or willingly oblivious to the declining interest manifested from the other party and kept clinging to the idea of everything being well until evidence was too damning", which is what generally happens.

If you go over the OP's message, these stories usually go like "we were perfectly fine together until some weeks ago he started acting weird and then he didn't answer my messages and he was cold on the phone and he never tried to schedule a date and now a month later he's ghosted me" - and the point stands that the guy began distancing himself way back. He didn't suddenly disappear the morning after a wonderful romantic dinner by the sea and a night of intense sex. He went through a lot of fairly explicit behaviours that signaled he was bailing out of the relationship.


To further explain on the above point: is there any guarantee that the moment the girl/guy says "Simply I'm not interested in seeing you anymore, bye" the conversation is factually over? Because if not, then ghosting may be the healthier social behaviour. That's the thing. "Just tell me we're done dating, I won't argue it" sounds reasonable (if petty). "You need to explicitely tell me that you're not interested anymore, so that I can confront you about it" is another thing. And it's the one thing people who "ghost" want to avoid.

efyu_lemonardo said:

Men insisting or demanding an explanation are also being rude.

It boils down to this: do we treat people with respect by default, assuming they are decent until proven otherwise, or do we let the disrespectful ones dictate how we treat everybody else?

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This is a good question. I think what answers we decide to pick is something we can demand from ourselves but not from others. I've taught myself not to expect anything from people and always assume they may have their reasons.

Brass Body Dave said:

I mean, have you seen how dudes react to being told that it's not working out?

you'd ghost a motherfucker too

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I'm still amazed by how many people in this thread seem to be denying or at the very least discounting this. Some reactions are pretty extreme. But then again, I wouldn't be surprised if it happens more to women than to men, leading us down the inevitable path of men pretending things don't exist or it's "rare" because they don't happen to them.

efyu_lemonardo said:

Men insisting or demanding an explanation are also being rude.

It boils down to this: do we treat people with respect by default, assuming they are decent until proven otherwise, or do we let the disrespectful ones dictate how we treat everybody else?

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This exactly. I feel like people are so easily defaulting to treating everyone poorly because some people can be rude and then when people get rightfully hurt by being treated poorly they use that to justify the shitty behavior.

"That's why I choose to be an asshole and bail on friends without a word when we have already planned going out to do something instead of just telling them I can't. Cause look how upset they get when I completely disregard their time and feelings!"

People say that it's because they will ask why when you reject them but by Visanideth 's own admission, ghosting is a rejection. So they are still gonna be asking why when they realize it. And the thing is they will be asking even more because there is that period of uncertainty where they don't know if you're busy or not. Especially since a lot of people who ghost will send mixed messages by saying things like "I'm busy right now", "sorry I just noticed your text" or "my phone died" instead of just saying what they mean. Some people even will apologize for not being on top of communication instead of just giving it straight. "I'm a bad texter lol"

So you tell someone that you don't want to date them anymore. They will either accept it and appreciate your honesty or they won't. Once again, if they are the type that won't accept it, they will demand answers even IF you ghost them. So like you said why assume everyone else is gonna react badly by default? If the person doesn't accept it after you break it off, then that's on them. The message was communicated. "Ghost" with all your might now.

I wonder if it's an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing for people who ghost. Like they have this anxiety about hurting people's feelings by rejecting them and so they think the clearly more hurtful way of rejecting them is somehow better because they were passive in it. They didn't actually dump them. And well it is better for them because it's more comfortable for them and that's why it's selfish and rude.

Visanideth said:

Can we at least recognize that ghosting someone after 5 or 6 dates isn't the same as ghosting someone you've been in a relationship with for 2 years?

If you demand explanations after a few weeks of frequentations you're probably legitimizing his/her decision to just bail.

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Bullshit. If anything after 5-6 dates it should be easier than ever to tell someone why you're not interested.

Don't make excuses for cowardice.

SuperiorTrashTalk said:

This exactly. I feel like people are so easily defaulting to treating everyone poorly because some people can be rude and then when people get rightfully hurt by being treated poorly they use that to justify the shitty behavior.

"That's why I choose to be an asshole and bail on friends without a word when we have already planned going out to do something instead of just telling them I can't. Cause look how upset they get when I completely disregard their time and feelings!"

People say that it's because they will ask why when you reject them but by Visanideth 's own admission, ghosting is a rejection. So they are still gonna be asking why when they realize it. And the thing is they will be asking even more because there is that period of uncertainty where they don't know if you're busy or not. Especially since a lot of people who ghost will send mixed messages by saying things like "I'm busy right now", "sorry I just noticed your text" or "my phone died" instead of just saying what they mean. Some people even will apologize for not being on top of communication instead of just giving it straight. "I'm a bad texter lol"

So you tell someone that you don't want to date them anymore. They will either accept it and appreciate your honesty or they won't. Once again, if they are the type that won't accept it, they will demand answers even IF you ghost them. So like you said why assume everyone else is gonna react badly by default? If the person doesn't accept it after you break it off, then that's on them. The message was communicated. "Ghost" with all your might now.

I wonder if it's an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing for people who ghost. Like they have this anxiety about hurting people's feelings by rejecting them and so they think the clearly more hurtful way of rejecting them is somehow better because they were passive in it. They didn't actually dump them. And well it is better for them because it's more comfortable for them and that's why it's selfish and rude.

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Ok, but what's the correct behaviour here? Because if it's a text and then the moment they see you answering they either ghost or block your phone... what's the point?

And if it's not, then what justifies them not expecting that the situation will escalate, that you demand to discuss things in person, and all those things that make people uncomfortable or worse.

I may be insensitive here, but generally speaking someone bailing/ghosting on you should be seen as a blessing. It's a very immediate and brutal way to communicate that any further investment (including explanations and goodbyes) would be a complete waste of time. The person doesn't care. She/he doesn't even care enough to tell you. Move on without a single regret.

Things like this piss me off and is why I plan to be single forever.

StallionDan said:

Bullshit. If anything after 5-6 dates it should be easier than ever to tell someone why you're not interested.

Don't make excuses for cowardice.

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After 5 or 6 dates you're simply not worth the risk of having to suffer a conversation about misplace expectations. It's not cowardice, it's simply having a better judgement on the value of time than the person that wants to "discuss" the fact that you've elected to stop wasting yours and their time on something that doesn't work.

Once again, if the person wants to communicate and discuss the fact, more power to them. If she doesn't, maybe she's rude, maybe she's busy, maybe she's bailing because you gave her the impression you're the kind of person who would make the "break up" process excruciating.

You're going through lot of gymnastics to excuse jerky behaviour.

N.Domixis said:

Things like this piss me off and is why I plan to be single forever.

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Makes sense bro.

Visanideth said:

I may be insensitive here, but generally speaking someone bailing/ghosting on you should be seen as a blessing. It's a very immediate and brutal way to communicate that any further investment (including explanations and goodbyes) would be a complete waste of time. The person doesn't care. She/he doesn't even care enough to tell you. Move on without a single regret.

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I think the big issue here is that you can be ghosted for being offensive or simply because the other person wasn't feeling it.

And since most of us don't want to be offensive, or at the very least want to have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, it's genuinely helpful to be able to distinguish between those two scenarios.

Which is why I believe ghosting due to the latter reason (the other person just not feeling it) shouldn't be acceptable.

As someone who's ghosted another person. Immaturity. As someone who's been ghosted. Immaturity. Both incidents were made up by a really deep apology and then an actual reinforced effort to right the ship. I've gotten ghosted at least one other time and you just gotta move on quick as you can.

People that ghost, don't care enough about that other person. It's up to the ghoster to re-initiate and prove their worth your time.

Visanideth said:

After 5 or 6 dates you're simply not worth the risk of having to suffer a conversation about misplace expectations. It's not cowardice, it's simply having a better judgement on the value of time than the person that wants to "discuss" the fact that you've elected to stop wasting yours and their time on something that doesn't work.

Once again, if the person wants to communicate and discuss the fact, more power to them. If she doesn't, maybe she's rude, maybe she's busy, maybe she's bailing because you gave her the impression you're the kind of person who would make the "break up" process excruciating.

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Excuses.

If you not had many dates you don't need a big lengthy explaining, you just need to give ANY explanation. Just say not interested in seeing them again and say why. Looks, height, weight, living arrangements, whatever. Shallow reasons is better than nothing. Then you can block/ghost immediately after because you did bare minimum to be a decent person.


Why do you do this?

So the other person doesn't think "Are they just slow to reply? Did they miss my message? Did they get my message?" or even if they get what is happening then comes "Why? Am I too short? Too much weight? Is it my looks, or the way I dress, did I say or do something wrong, oh god, what if I do it to my next date? Etc etc.

Do the bare minimum to not be a crappy person.

Orb said:

I think I said almost this exact thing in another thread on ghosting... there's nothing wrong with it, and sometimes it's the least harmful move for all parties involved.

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Thank God I don't date nowadays. I'd lose my fucking mind with mentalities like this out there, assuming it's common.

My male friends ghost me sometimes. Fucking annoying. At least a heads up you need to reset or some shit.

Ghosting isn't half as bad as the weirdness of being unghosted later on.

It's a hell of a thing to get a text where the ghoster is continuing the last conversation they had with you while pretending that nothing has happened and no time has passed.

N.Domixis said:

Things like this piss me off and is why I plan to be single forever.

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Spoken like a true incel.

Full voicemail is a red flag.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

Spoken like a true incel.

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He probably sees himself as an uhhh vocel?

Nobunny said:

Ghosting isn't half as bad as the weirdness of being unghosted later on.

It's a hell of a thing to get a text where the ghoster is continuing the last conversation they had with you while pretending that nothing has happened and no time has passed.

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They were dating someone else, it didnt work out so they are coming back to the attention well. Then they'll ghost you again.

Coolwhip said:

He probably sees himself as an uhhh vocel?

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Yeah, I didnt have time to edit.

I think ghosting window is 2-3 weeks depending on frequency of dates. After that, I think the other party actually IS entitled to an being let off.

After 2 months? That's pretty shitty.

I've been ghosted 2-3 times too, how much does it hurt to just text or call someone and be honest. I respect a girl who told me(Even if it was tough for me to take) out right that I did nothing wrong but that she didn't want to move forward, shows guts. I would never ghost anybody. I feel like if you take time out of your life to go out with someone that the least you deserve is to be told straight up honesty and everything. Pretty sad reading posters defend this practice, I am wondering if it's a generational thing we have going on right now or something.

I just move on and don't dwell upon anything, their loss, not yours or mine OP.

Blindy said:

I just move on and don't dwell upon anything, their loss, not yours or mine OP.

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If the other parties inbox is full of potential dates "your loss" is a joke. It's not the reality, just the one you create to make yourself feel better.

The main take away is that nobody owes you anything unless you are married, have kids or living together.

Common courtesy of a "it's not working out" is just that, a courtesy.

I don't want to condone this behavior because it is very hurtful, but let's not fool ourselves into thinking anyone else has to do what you want them to do.

Depends on how the person would react to being dumped.

A lot of people will straight up try to refuse a dumping, or convince you to still go out with them. Either that or they really can't take a hint.

Common courtesy is only worthwhile if the person will respect it really.

You wont find that out until you are dumping them.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

They were dating someone else, it didnt work out so they are coming back to the attention well. Then they'll ghost you again.

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Absolutely, but it's still weird as hell.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

If the other parties inbox is full of potential dates "your loss" is a joke. It's not the reality, just the one you create to make yourself feel better.

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It's their loss in the regard that they may have missed out on a partner who may have been the ideal person if given the chance to engage more.

There are a lot of scummy people on this earth and who play this dating game, finding someone rock solid I imagine isn't very easy to do.

because its easier than explaining yourself and dealing with the potential drama that could ensue. its better not to get too attached until both agree to be exclusive.

online dating is a fickle bitch.

Blindy said:

It's their loss in the regard that they may have missed out on a partner who may have been the ideal person if given the chance to engage more.

There are a lot of scummy people on this earth and who play this dating game, finding someone rock solid I imagine isn't very easy to do.

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"missed out" that's still an arrogance. Or "just give me a chance". A full inbox vs your opinion of yourself. When you find the right person, you dont even need to try, work things out or give second chances. Shit just works.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

"missed out" that's still an arrogance. Or "just give me a chance". A full inbox vs your opinion of yourself. When you find the right person, you dont even need to try, work things out or give second chances. Shit just works.

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Yup, agree with you completely

Alwayscrazybacon said:

"missed out" that's still an arrogance. Or "just give me a chance". A full inbox vs your opinion of yourself. When you find the right person, you dont even need to try, work things out or give second chances. Shit just works.

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Has nothing to do with arrogance, you should feel you are an ideal fit for many and that you are a good person in life. That's a belief of confidence in oneself if anything. You should at the very least feel you did everything possible on your end when it comes to making a date successful or a good night out.

Judging someone based off of one bad experience or off day seems trigger happy IMHO but to each's own.

And you are assuming every girl or boy has a full inbox in these dating apps.

Blindy said:

Has nothing to do with arrogance, you should feel you are an ideal fit for many and that you are a good person in life. That's a belief of confidence in oneself if anything. You should at the very least feel you did everything possible on your end when it comes to making a date successful or a good night out.

Judging someone based off of one bad experience or off day seems trigger happy IMHO but to each's own.

And you are assuming every girl or boy has a full inbox in these dating apps.

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women actually do get an insane amount of messages. i was dating a girl from okcupid and she showed me her inbox, she gets like 10 messages a day while i averaged 1 per week (first message not reply). women have a natural advantage here because those sites are flooded with wieners. just the wrong color of your shirt might be enough to for her to say "next"

being all pouty and going "her loss" is weird to me.

just move on, she did the same.

Visanideth said:

Ok, but what's the correct behaviour here? Because if it's a text and then the moment they see you answering they either ghost or block your phone... what's the point?

And if it's not, then what justifies them not expecting that the situation will escalate, that you demand to discuss things in person, and all those things that make people uncomfortable or worse.

I may be insensitive here, but generally speaking someone bailing/ghosting on you should be seen as a blessing. It's a very immediate and brutal way to communicate that any further investment (including explanations and goodbyes) would be a complete waste of time. The person doesn't care. She/he doesn't even care enough to tell you. Move on without a single regret.

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What I meant was that if they start trying to argue with you about it, it's simple as ignoring them or blocking them because you have already told them the facts. There is no mystery about what you're doing and assuming you did it in a polite manner you have no obligation to engage them in a debate about it. I'm not saying to send a text and then run away when you see the "..." pop up to show they're typing like you're playing a game of ding dong ditch. To answer your question, the point is that you are letting them know straight up what the deal is.

At the beginning of the year, I was dating two people and decided to be exclusive with one so I broke things off with the other. I didn't give them a laundry list of reasons I was doing it and I didn't have a debate about why I was justified in doing it. To paraphrase myself, I just said that while they were a great person and I enjoyed the dates we had been on, I was ultimately looking for something else and didn't want to continue knowing that. I didn't tell them "Oh I found someone else I like more than you." I then said I hoped they understood and wished them the best. They responded saying they were sad about it but that they understood and also appreciated that I let them know instead of ghosting them. That was it. There wasn't a big discussion, I just let them know right away instead of leaving them hanging because while I was dumping them, I didn't think they deserved to be treated unfairly. And like, it was a little uncomfortable telling them because I don't like upsetting or letting people down but I did it because it was the decent thing to do. I acted like an adult and used my words.

Also ghosting is not at all immediate though it is brutal. It's actually a very passive-aggressive way to end things with someone over a period of time. If I had ghosted in that example I gave, they would have had a period of time trying to get in contact with me, doubting themselves and then eventually realizing that I stopped caring about them awhile ago. What do you think is more immediate? Telling someone that it's over or just cutting off contact or acting "cold and distant" and hoping they get the hint?

Visanideth said:

After 5 or 6 dates you're simply not worth the risk of having to suffer a conversation about misplace expectations. It's not cowardice, it's simply having a better judgement on the value of time than the person that wants to "discuss" the fact that you've elected to stop wasting yours and their time on something that doesn't work.

Once again, if the person wants to communicate and discuss the fact, more power to them. If she doesn't, maybe she's rude, maybe she's busy, maybe she's bailing because you gave her the impression you're the kind of person who would make the "break up" process excruciating.

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The bolded is wrong. You haven't elected to stop wasting yours and their time. You've elected to save some of your time at the expense of theirs because it's easier for you. That's why its cowardice. You're afraid of going out of your comfort zone to actually tell someone you don't want to date them anymore. And you rationalize with yourself that they were probably going to flip out at you or argue with you to keep dating them so you feel better about yourself.

vogelkacke said:

women actually do get an insane amount of messages. i was dating a girl from okcupid and she showed me her inbox, she gets like 10 messages a day while i averaged 1 per week (first message not reply). women have a natural advantage here because those sites are flooded with wieners. just the wrong color of your shirt might be enough to for her to say "next"

being all pouty and going "her loss" is weird to me.

just move on, she did the same.

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I'm not saying they don't but it's hypothetical. I have spoken with 1-2 women who also confirmed that to me too so I don't get up in arms over a woman not responding back but after a date or two, I still feel some sort of communication is better than vanishing and not responding back to texts like the night and person is meaningless.

Where did you get the vibe of pout from my post(s)? I think people should shrug off rejection and continue to be optimistic and to be themselves. You should feel as a person that you are ideal for plenty and that you are someone that is worth it for a partner/significant other to have.

Maybe their loss is a poor choice of words if the other side is looking for something you don't have but it's not insecurity by any means. You should feel like you didn't do anything wrong if you at all showed interest and/or cared about the person in your encounters/dates and thus should have no regret.

I had a friend I was dating who promptly dropped me when she was going through some shit and she also found someone better to date. Hurt a lot to be mistreated like that and I wanted to still be friends, but after a few interactions with her where she was clearly avoidant, I thought nbd, moved on. A couple months later she actually stops me to ask me how I'm doing or if I'm doing okay and wants to talk more. I see her in a few more positive run ins and she would actually text back, but on the last days of school this year, she doesn't respond to meeting some time over the summer, despite acknowledging we're friends that same week. Texted her one more time this month to check in but no response either. She broke up with that boyfriend a couple weeks ago too, which I noticed on FB. She might be going through a lot of shit again, you never know, so I try not to get too mad or judgmental about it, but it really sucks when someone you value blows hot and cold like that. Just have to let it go and find someone who respects your time.

(I suppose my situation is talking more so in a friend sense, but it's so frequent in dating.)

I think people feel entitled to responses now with instant messaging/smartphones.

I bet ghosting was sooooo common back when the only way to get ahold of someone was calling their home phone.

It sucks but with dating apps and everything they probably just found someone new. They should at least let you know that but I feel like it's not the end of the world if they don't (it happened to me before with online dating).

SuperiorTrashTalk said:

Also ghosting is not at all immediate though it is brutal. It's actually a very passive-aggressive way to end things with someone over a period of time. If I had ghosted in that example I gave, they would have had a period of time trying to get in contact with me, doubting themselves and then eventually realizing that I stopped caring about them awhile ago. What do you think is more immediate? Telling someone that it's over or just cutting off contact or acting "cold and distant" and hoping they get the hint?

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That's the thing. Can you tell me that the most frequent if not guaranteed outcome of telling people it's over is receiving a "Ok, thank you, goodbye and I wish you the best" answer? Or in the vast majority of cases you're gonna end up with arguments about giving it more chance, about how it's my fault if it didn't work, about how it's insensitive to use a message instead of talking face to face, about how you're unwilling to give up, about how it's unfair and unexpected, about why and what did I do wrong, about what's wrong with me then etc?

Because if things worked that way, if people accepted "no" and "it's over" without discussions or objections... people wouldn't ghost them. People ghost people because they want to avoid discussions, because they feel they should have the right to bail on someone they're dating without consequences, since they didn't committ to them yet.

It's their choice. Reading the OP the impression isn't that he would have graciously bowed out after a "this isn't working, bye" message. He'd still want answers and explanations and feel he deserved "more". I can sympathize with that, but I think it's not a functional outlook on dating. People owe you an explanation on why they're leaving you after 3 years of marriage and 2 kids. People don't owe you explanations on why they grew bored with you over a month. They're not ghosting because they're too lazy to write "Goobye and thanks for everything", they're ghosting because they don't want to have to go through that "But why? You owe an explanation!" part.

The bolded is wrong. You haven't elected to stop wasting yours and their time. You've elected to save some of your time at the expense of theirs because it's easier for you. That's why its cowardice. You're afraid of going out of your comfort zone to actually tell someone you don't want to date them anymore. And you rationalize with yourself that they were probably going to flip out at you or argue with you to keep dating them so you feel better about yourself.

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If I know I'm not into you and this relationship won't get anywhere every second we spend together is wasted.

Visanideth said:

That's the thing. Can you tell me that the most frequent if not guaranteed outcome of telling people it's over is receiving a "Ok, thank you, goodbye and I wish you the best" answer? Or in the vast majority of cases you're gonna end up with arguments about giving it more chance, about how it's my fault if it didn't work, about how it's insensitive to use a message instead of talking face to face, about how you're unwilling to give up, about how it's unfair and unexpected, about why and what did I do wrong, about what's wrong with me then etc?

Because if things worked that way, if people accepted "no" and "it's over" without discussions or objections... people wouldn't ghost them. People ghost people because they want to avoid discussions, because they feel they should have the right to bail on someone they're dating without consequences, since they didn't committ to them yet.

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I think you need to go back and read my post because you're repeating yourself. You are so fixated on the idea that the person isn't going to accept the break up and try to rope you into a long argument about it. Again, as I have said, if the person responds by trying to argue, you don't engage. You told them what was happening and that's all you need to do. I even gave an example in my post. Did you read it?

Also once again, if this hypothetical person you're talking about will just not take no for an answer and will follow you to the ends of the Earth to try and convince you to give them another chance, why would ghosting stop them? If anything, if this person is so unreasonable, they will come at you even more when you do them wrong by acting like they don't exist suddenly and without warning.

The whole chicken or the egg thing with ghosting is really funny because the ghoster is assuming because some people do not simply accept break ups that they feel it justified to then treat everyone they encounter in a romantic context like shit when they're done because they assume from the start that this person is deserving of it. Then when they see someone express how they were hurt by someone who disregarded their feelings, you say "well see, that's why people are dicks to you. Because you're hurt that they were a dick to you!" Yes, people get upset when you do mean things to them. That doesn't justify doing mean things. So maybe... don't?

Visanideth said:

If I know I'm not into you and this relationship won't get anywhere every second we spend together is wasted.

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And so you've ended the relationship or whatever it was. You got your time back. But you didn't notify them. So while you've gotten your time back, they're still spending time and emotional energy thinking that you are still into them. You don't care that you are wasting their time by not telling them and instead putting them through the process of having to gradually realize what you've done.

Futureman said:

I think people feel entitled to responses now with instant messaging/smartphones.

I bet ghosting was sooooo common back when the only way to get ahold of someone was calling their home phone.

It sucks but with dating apps and everything they probably just found someone new. They should at least let you know that but I feel like it's not the end of the world if they don't (it happened to me before with online dating).

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I think it's the opposite actually. With dating apps, I can literally be taking a shit and have hundreds of potential dates at my fingertips. Before you actually had to make an effort to meet someone.

I think due to that, we've stopped thinking of people as actual people with feelings. They're just faces - images on the screen - and they're thousands more right within our reach. It's not this living person with a name and personality and feeling but Date #1, Date #2, etc. People who ghost can set up 3 more dates in a few minutes if they haven't already. Why give peoples' feelings any kind of consideration? They're basically just items in a catalog, right?

I'm not saying treat everyone like the love of your life the moment you message them online. But a lot of people seem to think very little of the other people they date for a long period of time. I've seen people who even after 3 months of dating are like "eh, it's just some guy I go out with sometimes."

Ghosting is done because people are violent and nasty, despite ghosting itself being pretty nasty as well.

Overall, dating is nasty as fuck and I dread the day I have to rejoin the dating pool. People are nasty, cruel and shallow a lot of times and protecting yourself can't always be nice.
But hey, ghosting stops violence, so that's why ghosting is done.

I have a dim view of humanity as a whole this morning, so you can ignore this rant.

In regards to women ghosting men – there's always a socially implied thread of violence in response to rejection. That's the simple truth of it whether than fact makes you feel uncomfortable and unfairly treated or not. Do your part in breaking down the patriarchy and ensuring the safety of women and you won't have to ask this question very often.

Futureman said:

I think people feel entitled to responses now with instant messaging/smartphones.

I bet ghosting was sooooo common back when the only way to get ahold of someone was calling their home phone.

It sucks but with dating apps and everything they probably just found someone new. They should at least let you know that but I feel like it's not the end of the world if they don't (it happened to me before with online dating).

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It's kinda ok to ghost when you've been on one or two dates and it doesn't work out. After months of romance though ghosting is just rude as fuck even though I understand the multitude of reasons behind ghosting.

norog said:

Okay but how does he know that? And honestly, the fact you think you're being mistreated here, after multiple signals in your own retelling of events that he just wasn't that into you, and even had to make this thread... you're way too invested. You don't think he might see that as a bit worrying?

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Modern dating right here, folks.

How dare you feel too invested! Must keep everyone at arm's bay because something, something... options. You always gotta have options.

zoukka said:

It's kinda ok to ghost when you've been on one or two dates and it doesn't work out. After months of romance though ghosting is just rude as fuck even though I understand the multitude of reasons behind ghosting.

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You're right on the one to two dates thing. I kinda glossed over the months OP had been seeing the girl. Pretty odd.

MopDog said:

Modern dating right here, folks.

How dare you feel too invested! Must keep everyone at arm's bay because something, something... options. You always gotta have options.

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This. I'm a little baffled to see so many people saying that you shouldn't have any emotional investment, attachment or intimacy with a person you've been dating for 2 months.

Like if you've been dating someone that long and they just up and vanish, you're a fool for feeling hurt and not just saying "next one" like you didn't feel anything for them.

TyrantGuardian said:

In regards to women ghosting men – there's always a socially implied thread of violence in response to rejection. That's the simple truth of it whether than fact makes you feel uncomfortable and unfairly treated or not. Do your part in breaking down the patriarchy and ensuring the safety of women and you won't have to ask this question very often.

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I get that but if a man is going to retaliate violently from being rejected, wouldn't he do the same if he was ghosted? Ghosting is such a widely used term now, it's still a rejection but a veery passive-aggressive one. To me, that seems like the type of person you describe would just react with "Where are you?" "Why haven't you been returning my calls/texts?" and escalate from there.

Mind I'm not talking about after a couple dates. I'm talking about longer, like described in the OP but in this case obviously one of them is male and the other is female.

I dont really get the idea thats it avoids people who react negatively since whats stoppng your silence for setting them off just a bare minimum text just saying your not intersted and block there number right after if worried about the reaction at least you can give the same people some closure .

SuperiorTrashTalk said:

What I meant was that if they start trying to argue with you about it, it's simple as ignoring them or blocking them because you have already told them the facts. There is no mystery about what you're doing and assuming you did it in a polite manner you have no obligation to engage them in a debate about it. I'm not saying to send a text and then run away when you see the "..." pop up to show they're typing like you're playing a game of ding dong ditch. To answer your question, the point is that you are letting them know straight up what the deal is.

At the beginning of the year, I was dating two people and decided to be exclusive with one so I broke things off with the other. I didn't give them a laundry list of reasons I was doing it and I didn't have a debate about why I was justified in doing it. To paraphrase myself, I just said that while they were a great person and I enjoyed the dates we had been on, I was ultimately looking for something else and didn't want to continue knowing that. I didn't tell them "Oh I found someone else I like more than you." I then said I hoped they understood and wished them the best. They responded saying they were sad about it but that they understood and also appreciated that I let them know instead of ghosting them. That was it. There wasn't a big discussion, I just let them know right away instead of leaving them hanging because while I was dumping them, I didn't think they deserved to be treated unfairly. And like, it was a little uncomfortable telling them because I don't like upsetting or letting people down but I did it because it was the decent thing to do. I acted like an adult and used my words.

Also ghosting is not at all immediate though it is brutal. It's actually a very passive-aggressive way to end things with someone over a period of time. If I had ghosted in that example I gave, they would have had a period of time trying to get in contact with me, doubting themselves and then eventually realizing that I stopped caring about them awhile ago. What do you think is more immediate? Telling someone that it's over or just cutting off contact or acting "cold and distant" and hoping they get the hint?




The bolded is wrong. You haven't elected to stop wasting yours and their time. You've elected to save some of your time at the expense of theirs because it's easier for you. That's why its cowardice. You're afraid of going out of your comfort zone to actually tell someone you don't want to date them anymore. And you rationalize with yourself that they were probably going to flip out at you or argue with you to keep dating them so you feel better about yourself.

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Quoted for truth.

Ghosting is cowardly. That kind of behaviour is only going to reinforce or create insecurity in other people, which will spill out onto the next person. Being kind and understanding is the best practice.