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I found out today my wife has been cheating on me
- Thread starter Psychocrasha
- Start date
- Status
OP
OP
My kids are 3 and 4.5.
We haven't divorced because she gave up because the paper work, etc, were too complicated for her...she just wants a paper to sign. So she essentially puts that responsibility on me alone.
She more uses it as a threat than to actually divorce...but she may want it for real though. I am not questioning it. She wants to be together because of our kids and fianancial reasons.
We haven't divorced because she gave up because the paper work, etc, were too complicated for her...she just wants a paper to sign. So she essentially puts that responsibility on me alone.
She more uses it as a threat than to actually divorce...but she may want it for real though. I am not questioning it. She wants to be together because of our kids and fianancial reasons.
Think about what you just typed and explain why you still want this relationship?
I also want to point out to everyone who keeps saying its her fault for not leaving, signing the divorce papers requires 2 people. OP already stated he refused to let her do that. Stop blaming her, shes been upfront and honest about this FOR YEARS and op essentially forced her to stay with him. Thats far more fucked up than some text message conversations he found from her-text messages she herself told him (again years ago) she would be engaging with. Like its frightening how many are condemning her when from his own account hes prevented her from leaving like she asked.
Going through a decoupling myself and reading threads like this give me life. ERA always come through.
lol, I had the same problem. Bought a King instead of a Queen blanket and with more years I find myself not caring if I wake her up pulling it out from under her.
There is so much to unpack here. Counseling would be a good idea.
One particular note:
One particular note:
You dont help with housework and kids because you want your wife to like you. You do it because it's your responsibility.
What's with all the people standing up for broken marriages and wasting the precious moments of your life on unhappy burdens? I agree that cheating is morally repugnant if there aren't a million signs and attempts to escape but damn have some pity on the woman who is totally trapped here. You don't know how hard it is to just break off and divorce when everyone else in your life will push you to remain stable but unhappy.
This was tough to read dear lord get a divorce and figure out what's best for the kids going forward
You realize that you only get 1 life and you are wasting years of it in a dead relationship?
You realize that you only get 1 life and you are wasting years of it in a dead relationship?
I know it must be hard. It was years shared, and children. But it will never going to get better. And you are trying to hang in into something that does not exist anymore.
I'm not going to give you an advice, because you already know what to do.
I'm not going to give you an advice, because you already know what to do.
You aren't in a relationship anymore. Probably haven't for a few years. You're just legally binded partners at this point.
Wtf did I just read? Bruh, get some counseling for yourself. End this relationship, it's been dead. But for the love of yourself, get some help.
W.T.F. ain't no maintenance guy coming over for dinner. Wtf. Seriously, that shit just opens doors for shit like this to happen.
That dude needs to get out of the picture asap and if she's not having that then you already know. It seems as if she's wanting to seek new adventure. The fact that you guys haven't been intimate for quite a while doesn't help. I know what that can be like. But typically, when it gets to that point it's difficult to bounce back. It's awkward during sex. It doesn't happen naturally and feels as if it's a chore and something you HAVE to do.
Firstly, I'd say that you guys must fix your sex life before anything else. Based on what you've said, this alone is a big contributing factor as to why she's doing what she's doing. Speaking from experience.
That maintenance guy and any other guy she's been flirting/chatting with is a big red fucking flag. Imagine if you did that shit, ask her how'd she react if you did that. It's infuriatingly because I've been through similar shit.
Edit: If you live her and she no longer loves you, best thing you can do is end this ASAP before it drags touch down any deeper. I know it sucks because of the kids but remember, you're the one that wants to make it work, she doesn't and there isn't anything you can do about that once ones feelings venture elsewhere. End it before you hurt yourself any more. I feel sorry for you i really do. Her sickness is not an excuse for you to stick around selflessly any longer because you live her. This is causing you emotional/mental instability.
Save yourself.
That dude needs to get out of the picture asap and if she's not having that then you already know. It seems as if she's wanting to seek new adventure. The fact that you guys haven't been intimate for quite a while doesn't help. I know what that can be like. But typically, when it gets to that point it's difficult to bounce back. It's awkward during sex. It doesn't happen naturally and feels as if it's a chore and something you HAVE to do.
Firstly, I'd say that you guys must fix your sex life before anything else. Based on what you've said, this alone is a big contributing factor as to why she's doing what she's doing. Speaking from experience.
That maintenance guy and any other guy she's been flirting/chatting with is a big red fucking flag. Imagine if you did that shit, ask her how'd she react if you did that. It's infuriatingly because I've been through similar shit.
Edit: If you live her and she no longer loves you, best thing you can do is end this ASAP before it drags touch down any deeper. I know it sucks because of the kids but remember, you're the one that wants to make it work, she doesn't and there isn't anything you can do about that once ones feelings venture elsewhere. End it before you hurt yourself any more. I feel sorry for you i really do. Her sickness is not an excuse for you to stick around selflessly any longer because you live her. This is causing you emotional/mental instability.
Save yourself.
Yea, not like there are literally lawyers you pay to do this stuff
Nah dude spend the money on a house instead it'll totally pay off
Get out. It may be hard to hear, but it's over and it's not going to get better. Clinging on is more damaging, for both of you.
I don't mean to sound rude but whatever this 'relationship' is, it's completely fucked and has been for a long time. All those years wasted and you both could have found someone else by now instead of building up resentment, suspicion or whatever the hell else has happened here in that time.
The fact you've both stuck with it for this long is mind boggling, but you need to give it up. It sounds like this relationship is a chore or worse to both of you. That's not healthy and if you really think about it OP can you realistically envision a future where 10 years from now it's all fine? Because the fact it's been this way for this long would indicate the path is already set in stone.
The fact you've both stuck with it for this long is mind boggling, but you need to give it up. It sounds like this relationship is a chore or worse to both of you. That's not healthy and if you really think about it OP can you realistically envision a future where 10 years from now it's all fine? Because the fact it's been this way for this long would indicate the path is already set in stone.
Reading your OP and I am just going to tell you that this is, in a warped way, a good thing. From the sounds of it neither of you are strong enough on your own to admit that your relationship is a failure and move on with your lives, together because you have children, but not as a romantic couple. You needed a dramatic event from one of you to kick you in the ass.
Accept that your relationship with her as a romantic and intimate partner is over, it's done, she doesn't love you anymore and she doesn't want to be with you anymore and that's okay. That's people, they change, sometimes things happen. You needed to go to counseling years ago, you needed to deal with these issues years ago, you needed to "man up" and admit to her and to yourself that what was best for everybody including your kids is to cut everything off and move on with all of your lives because staying like this is just going to drain everybody involved. But you didn't, and now this is where you are.
Everything about your marriage is deeply and profoundly unhealthy for both of you.
Move on.
Accept that your relationship with her as a romantic and intimate partner is over, it's done, she doesn't love you anymore and she doesn't want to be with you anymore and that's okay. That's people, they change, sometimes things happen. You needed to go to counseling years ago, you needed to deal with these issues years ago, you needed to "man up" and admit to her and to yourself that what was best for everybody including your kids is to cut everything off and move on with all of your lives because staying like this is just going to drain everybody involved. But you didn't, and now this is where you are.
Everything about your marriage is deeply and profoundly unhealthy for both of you.
Move on.
Sorry to hear that OP. If your mind/gut is telling you to let go, just do it. I recommend you to seek help from a professional so your emotions don't bottle up and burst. I'm sure you will find solace and love again. Don't try to push you into a relationship with her because of your history as a couple. If you think you want something else, go for it, with time it's going to come. If you insist in be with her again, seek couple therapy and work the shit out all your issues.
best wishes
-lab
best wishes
-lab
"The maintenance guy" isn't even in the top 10 of problems with this relationship, and that's just based on what OP is telling us, which is likely skewed anyway.
I see people suggesting "fix your sex life" and "take her out to dinner" and am like are we reading the same fuckin thing?
User Banned (Permanent): Unprovoked personal attacks against another member; junior account with prior infractions.
You know you're a terrible person when so little people are responding to your aggro posts that you have to scream into the ether repeatedly, getting more and more outrageous towards the OP, until you gain the attention that you came here for.
With this much personal post count in a single thread, in such a small frame of time, you'd think it was a E3 hype thread. Y'know, not a guy sharing his personal piece on his marriage.
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OP, I'm sorry to hear that. You already know counseling/divorce is what you need to do. Either way, it's going to be tough.
Na it sounds really resonable that OP is describing his wife as lazy and stupid cause she apparently is the one responsible in writing out all the paper work, cause you know thats how divorces work.
Not at all that OP is an unreliable narrator, nope
Everybody in the thread telling the OP to bail has it backwards. Between this thread, and the kids at dinner thread OP sounds like a miserable pile of trash.
She said she wanted out, he said nah.
She said she doesn't love him, he said I'll fix myself, not thinking anything about what she feels.
Friends bring kids to dinner, he posts on ERA about it, disparaging children.
For her sake, but more importantly your kid's sake, please LET HER GO.
My wife and I have 3 kids, life changes when you have them. We have many more better days than bad days, but there are bad days. Sometimes we have fights, but we make sure we don't do it in front of the kids, and we always make sure they're resolved before bed. 90% of the time it's about money, sometimes it's about not being present with each other, but we figure it out. Your situation seems like she checked out years ago. Just let her go, man.
She said she wanted out, he said nah.
She said she doesn't love him, he said I'll fix myself, not thinking anything about what she feels.
Friends bring kids to dinner, he posts on ERA about it, disparaging children.
For her sake, but more importantly your kid's sake, please LET HER GO.
My wife and I have 3 kids, life changes when you have them. We have many more better days than bad days, but there are bad days. Sometimes we have fights, but we make sure we don't do it in front of the kids, and we always make sure they're resolved before bed. 90% of the time it's about money, sometimes it's about not being present with each other, but we figure it out. Your situation seems like she checked out years ago. Just let her go, man.
That varies by state, but most (if not all) have ways to get divorced if one person is not cooperating. It just varies on what is required to achieve that. Otherwise people with abusive partners could never get divorced as lots of abusive, controlling people would refuse to sign.
Aside from divorce, she always could have just left and got her own place. At a minimum that is usually required to get a divorce without cooperation from the other person.
If anything this guy getting involved should be considered a blessing. At some point you need to admit that things aren't okay or healthy and move on and separate. Something to kick them in the ass.
Like I get this is a one sided account of things, but at no point does he mention getting professional help for them or their relationship YEARS ago when these things first emerged. At this point he's just as culpable in the failure as she is from this account.
She's going to say all she was planning on doing was talking to him but the words and the way she said things were there, had an ex in the same situation
Get the fuck out of there, 8 years is a long time but you said you have been growing apart for 5 of them and that's ALSO a long time
Her intentions were clear
Get the fuck out of there, 8 years is a long time but you said you have been growing apart for 5 of them and that's ALSO a long time
Her intentions were clear
Time to start being happy in your life. You both need to move on. Within a year of leaving I imagine you'll have the thoughts "Why didn't I do this sooner, I've wasted 5 years!"
Ok so let me get this straight.
Your wife doesn't sleep with you and told you to your face she doesn't love you.
She also told you to your face she wants to see other people.
She also told you to your face that she wants a divorce and even went as far to initiate the legal process.
You openly acknowledge that she "needed as escape" from you
So instead of helping with the logistics of the divorce and getting the fuck out, you decide to essentially keep her trapped in your marriage because reasons. Nnnnnnnot really a good look OP.
Edit:
OK, thread just went from bad to worse.
I know OP said there are financial troubles but every courthouse has a public attorney to help fill out paper work like this.
Come on man. Writing is not just on the wall, its everywhere. Just end it
Oh man, I now remember the OP from his thread about selling his sketches, buying cars/scooters to impress his wife, and sending his kids to live in China with the wife's family.
She's not from the US, so just help her out and get the divorce settled.
You'll both be happier for it.
She's not from the US, so just help her out and get the divorce settled.
You'll both be happier for it.
I just read your kids ages. Get it done now so they get used to a peaceful status quo of two parents living apart. That can be very healthy and much healthier than two people miserable staying together.
Fuck you, this is a terrible story as OP slowly comes to understand what he should've realized years ago. A tragic tale of heartbreak and betrayal. And then, you come and make me bust out laughing.
Life is amazing and there is so much to enjoy in life. It is best for you guys to go your separate ways. Love your kids and do your best to be a great dad.
If I'm being honest, it sounds like you're holding her hostage in a shitty, toxic relationship.
Go live your life.
Go live your life.
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