OP
OP
Can you guide me, or point me where to start reading about this?
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Would you marry someone who admits that they suffered from depression in the past?
- Thread starter jayu26
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The person with depression has a responsibility to minimize burdening their partner with being their main coping mechanism.
You can't rely solely on your partner to manage your depression. You need to take steps to help yourself like therapy, medication, finding other sources of support etc.
You can't rely solely on your partner to manage your depression. You need to take steps to help yourself like therapy, medication, finding other sources of support etc.
People that have felt deep sadness are more empathetic with those around them, care deeply for a world beyond society and are more self aware. In my mind we are beautiful people worth investing on.
How depressed we talking. That shit is contagious. I can't handle being around people who are just constant negativity it's toxic and makes life feel awful. Yes I understand that's the reality people with depression live with but why would I actively choose that reality, it sucks. If they see a therapist and need alone time that's fine but if they are just on the brink then no, I don't want to deal with that.
Been with my wife for 10 years. She has major depression and host of other mental health issues including suicidal thoughts. I'm fine answering any questions people might have about it.
Kind of (correctly) assumed ERA was going to largely say yes on this one. There's only so many things you're allowed to say "Nah I'm good fam" on in a relationship before it's just you that's the problem lol
OP
OP
These is very good counter argument to lot of what everybody else is saying. It can be toxic if not managed properly by the depressed partner. It is their responsibility and their partner can only do so much before it starts affecting them as well.
Who hasn't been depressed at one time or another in their life??
I definitely would marry that person and we could work on it together if it came up again
I definitely would marry that person and we could work on it together if it came up again
Yes, of course. Though I'm not really shopping for marriage, I'm genetically predisposed to depression and would hope that being depressed (even high functioning as I am) doesn't automatically exclude me. Most people I know and love have some sort of mental issue, small or big; it's normal.
And the way things are going in America, it might be slim pickins for you if you're issuing an instant pass on partners who've been depressed.
And the way things are going in America, it might be slim pickins for you if you're issuing an instant pass on partners who've been depressed.
Yes? I went through a rather bad bout myself and can't really see why it would make me unmarriable. If anything, it helped soften some of my sharper edges personality wise. For me, it was a rite of passage. Having one episode is not a guarantee you will have one later in life either, for that matter.
Speaking as something with severe depression and BPD, I would be willing to without a doubt. In weird ways, I feel closer to people who have been through depression and can understand my experiences.
However, I recognize that some people are not equipped to deal with my issues. My suicidal thoughts have made my ex-partners panic and go into spirals, even though I was doing everything I needed to take care of myself. Just kind of riding out the storm in the safest way possible. It's just that compatibility aspect and I respect if someone else does not feel like they can handle this ride. If it's something they recognize about themselves and admit, that's cool. However, if it just some judgemental commentary on people with depression and wanting to be with someone "normal", then I'd be pissed.
However, I recognize that some people are not equipped to deal with my issues. My suicidal thoughts have made my ex-partners panic and go into spirals, even though I was doing everything I needed to take care of myself. Just kind of riding out the storm in the safest way possible. It's just that compatibility aspect and I respect if someone else does not feel like they can handle this ride. If it's something they recognize about themselves and admit, that's cool. However, if it just some judgemental commentary on people with depression and wanting to be with someone "normal", then I'd be pissed.
Some great books that helped us be effective include Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. Heavily science based:
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (this one has a bit of a Christian spin to it, which you can take or leave, but it's effective at helping someone recognize the ways people try to love each other, ask to be loved, and misunderstand what their partner's doing to love back):
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It's like Attached but more specific, but also has a Christian vibe to it. Take it or leave it:
https://www.amazon.com/How-We-Love-...t=&hvlocphy=1026481&hvtargid=pla-760912124112
Also this book called Stress Psychology has made a huge impact on my life as someone with anxiety disorder. It's very visual and infographic yet science based. Describes a lot of interesting anxiety psychology and how to combat and cope with stress in life (including statistics of what happens, what works). It's our coffee table book:
https://www.amazon.com/Stress-Psych...ocphy=1026481&hvtargid=pla-481620838287&psc=1
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Yes. I spent most of my teens and early 20s depressed and am prone to it during times of stress. I believe I will never be off meds. My spouse has depression and severe anxiety on top of that. It makes the relationship challenging at times, like when both of us hit a depressed phase at the same time, or when one of us is too depressed to do any relationship maintenance for a long time. But we want to be together and it's never occurred to either of us to discount the other as a partner just because of mental health issues. So we work on improving ourselves and we work on the relationship, much like any other couple dedicated to their long-term viability.
It's important to note that people can change. They may always suffer some measure of depression but it doesn't mean they can't get better at coping with it. Also, depression is not a consistent experience where people are just the same amount of depressed year in and year out. It may feel interminable and you might not recognize how cyclic moods are when you're deep in depression. But a lot of times, as you get older (and experience that cycle repeatedly and/or have a therapist that can help you see it), you'll start noticing that some hours/days/weeks/months are better than others, and that your brain when you're depressed essentially lies to you about how you'll never be un-depressed again.
So I don't assume past depression automatically damns people to being non-functional 24/7/365 forever. It's a mood. It comes and goes (sometimes very, very slowly) and people who put in the work to learn to deal often get better at dealing.
It's important to note that people can change. They may always suffer some measure of depression but it doesn't mean they can't get better at coping with it. Also, depression is not a consistent experience where people are just the same amount of depressed year in and year out. It may feel interminable and you might not recognize how cyclic moods are when you're deep in depression. But a lot of times, as you get older (and experience that cycle repeatedly and/or have a therapist that can help you see it), you'll start noticing that some hours/days/weeks/months are better than others, and that your brain when you're depressed essentially lies to you about how you'll never be un-depressed again.
So I don't assume past depression automatically damns people to being non-functional 24/7/365 forever. It's a mood. It comes and goes (sometimes very, very slowly) and people who put in the work to learn to deal often get better at dealing.
OP
OP
I've been miserable or unhappy or whatever at various times in my life but I feel saying I've been depressed is almost disrespectful to people who do actually suffer from depression because I don't think I know what that is like.
And it depends. I don't think I could marry someone in the depths of depression. Yes that's selfish as fuck, but I don't want to lie.
It would take a real jerk to dump somebody just because they occasionally turn into a wolf. Don't be that guy.
OP
OP
Lol. Isn't there a Witcher 3 side mission about this.
I mean if I'm going to marry this person I'm pretty sure I've been with them for 2 or 3 years minimum give or take yeah? I already love who they are I am marrying them for them I want to be with them because there is no better them than them.
My wife and I both suffered from depression, and Hell we still have our moments. It's not really something that goes away, but we help each other through it. She understands me more than anyone on the planet, and I hope that I understand her that much as well. For what it's worth, both of my ex's had depression issues too. Perhaps I'm attracted to it on some level, merely because I feel I can empathize with them more. Regardless, the answer's yes OP, and I honestly prefer to be with someone who has vices and issues to work through. I've never been with someone who had life handed to them on a silver platter and never had to struggle for anything, and I find the prospect of a relationship with such a person to be completely unattractive. Strife is part of life, and I want to share a life with someone who understands struggle and pain, has lived through it, and has come out the other side, not unscathed necessarily, but stronger and wiser for the experience. I think one of the things that attracted my wife to me in the first place was that we're both pessimists, if you can believe such a thing could attract two people, but I really do think it's true. Interestingly, our daughter is nothing like us in terms of that; she's about the happiest, most happy go luck, outgoing, extroverted person imaginable, and we're really quite pleasantly surprised at how much healthier her childhood has been than our's.
I did not know this was something that people screened for? I guess I can understand not knowing how to care for people with a mental illness or just being a really positive person that doesn't want to be bogged down but this almost sounds like, cruel? Also in this day and age are there really people who haven't had depression? I have, my girlfriend has, literally everyone I've ever dated. And those are just like, people who admitted they had a problem and got help. Do totally happy satisfied people even exist?
Very few. Life is hard and depression / anxiety don't discriminate.
The only time it could become a real problem in a relationship is when someone is clearly suffering and they refuse to take steps to receive help. Depression is like having an abusive relationship, and it can be hard to let go of.
I wouldn't and that's only because I'm such a wreck myself, the last thing this world needs is yet another highly-combustible relationship.
Of course
So long as Depression isn't their sole defining characteristic, and I'm not their sole source of happiness.
So long as Depression isn't their sole defining characteristic, and I'm not their sole source of happiness.