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What else can I do to support someone dealing with addiction/substance abuse problem

TheLastYoshi

TheLastYoshi

Member
Oct 27, 2017
878
My older cousin is going through a divorce, husband of almost 10 years, they would always get into fight but COVID brought it to an end. They both have substance abuse problem (alcohol and weed) and there is a 4 year girl in the middle this.

She has moved back home with her parent since the divorce (almost 2 years now), they've been taking care of her and it's almost like she has regressed to being a child... she's still going to work but she's just been a mess, still drinking, smoking, got a DUI after an accident with her kid in the car a few months ago, nobody got hurt and we thought it would be the moment she cleans up her act... she cleaned up for a few weeks and then regressed.

She has deeper problem from her childhood, blames her parents for some confidence issues, thinks that her younger sister was more loved... her overall attitude and demeanor has become so toxic that it has progressively become harder to talk to her or be around her. I am kind of lost on what to do, I'm worried for her but also the kid who is in the middle of all this and my aunt and uncle who have become depressed because of how she behaves.

I use to talk to her more often and would bring up the need for her to go to rehab or therapy and that fell on deaf ears. Anyone have any experience or suggestions, I think my aunt and uncle are willing to do anything at this point to help her get better but it's very much a case of "how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped / acknowledge they have a problem"

Any suggestions or recommendations?
 
Rosebud

Rosebud

Two Pieces
Member
Apr 16, 2018
43,611
My mom is alcoholic and honestly? There's nothing you can do if they don't want help
 
Indy in the Fridge

Indy in the Fridge

Banned
Oct 30, 2017
15,278
If your cousin can't be reasoned with there isn't much you are going to be able to do. Really your focus should be on trying to form a coalition with her parents in an almost intervention-like situation.

It's evident she needs therapy first and foremost.
 
N64Controller

N64Controller

Member
Nov 2, 2017
8,346
Might not be the kind of response you wish to get but telling you this as an alcoholic, there is not much you can do aside from working around them to help. Telling someone they need help, or that they need to get themselves checked in is all good but the person has to understand that they have a problem. It's the first step.
 
OP
OP
TheLastYoshi

TheLastYoshi

Member
Oct 27, 2017
878
So really not much you can do if the person is not willing to admit they don't have a problem?? Any tactics on how to approach the conversation??
 
Baked Pigeon

Baked Pigeon

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,087
Phoenix
I certainly can sympathize with your situation and family but I'm just gonna tell you right now that there is nothing you can do. The addict themselves has to want to change. Tough love and not enabling the behavior is your best route. I wish you and your family the best of luck and wisdom to address the situation. I was personally only able to kick a heroin addiction because of Jesus Christ.
 

key

Member
Nov 7, 2017
418
You might be able to use some basic motivational interviewing techniques to help your cousin find her own reasons to change.
 
SmackDaddy

SmackDaddy

Member
Nov 25, 2017
3,160
Los Angeles
"Sounds tough. I love you. Lemme know if you need someone to talk to sometime. You good besides that? Lemme know if you want advice about these (non-addiction-related) things."

Etc.
 
Barls

Barls

Member
Oct 25, 2017
277
I don't necessarily have any good advice, but I feel for you. It's a really hard position. My brother in law took his life a few weeks ago after a decade of alcohol and opiate addiction. The whole thing had been really rough, especially on my wife watching her parents keep going through the same cycles of him hitting bottom, coming home, bouncing back, repeat. I'm sure there's some level of support out there that can help, but there's definitely a fine line between trying to help and enabling. Given your position, I'd try to find out how to best support those directly impacted, because they're going to need it.
 
deimosmasque

deimosmasque

Ugly, Queer, Gender-Fluid, Drive-In Mutant, yes?
Moderator
Apr 22, 2018
14,223
Tampa, Fl
If they aren't ready to try to beat it all you can do is be an ear and listen to there problems without being judgemental.

Any attempt to make them admit the problem before they are ready will just lead to them cutting you off, and then you can't help at all.
 
Booshka

Booshka

Banned
May 8, 2018
3,957
Colton, CA
TheLastYoshi said:
So really not much you can do if the person is not willing to admit they don't have a problem?? Any tactics on how to approach the conversation??
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Best I have done is to talk about how their abuse has prevented them from engaging in their fundamental daily activities.

I had the time and unshakable patience to deal with my uncle, but to be honest it required hours of daily personal sacrifice during their worst moments. Being there, unconditional support and encouragement, and focusing on Instrumental Activities of Daily Living. Goals and how to get to those outcomes. For most people, this is an impossible commitment, which is what makes this so difficult. You have to exist with them during their struggles, for hours and just be there, it sucks.
 
machtia

machtia

Member
Oct 29, 2017
1,517
In addition to Al-Anon, check your state/local health department or department of social services websites for any resources. Depending on where you are, there may be programs. Specially, you want to look for family support resources so that you and your aunt and uncle can learn the best ways to approach this.
 
Thordinson

Thordinson

Member
Aug 1, 2018
18,117
Be there for them. Take care of yourself as well.

If you do stage an intervention, it needs to be planned. I wouldn't recommend doing it without the advice of an addiction counselor.

Largely though, if they don't want help, there isn't much you can do. If they do get help, being there for them during recovery is incredibly important. Sobriety and recovery are not linear so expect relapses and don't criticize them for it.
 
Booshka

Booshka

Banned
May 8, 2018
3,957
Colton, CA
Thordinson said:
Be there for them. Take care of yourself as well.

If you do stage an intervention, it needs to be planned. I wouldn't recommend doing it without the advice of an addiction counselor.

Largely though, if they don't want help, there isn't much you can do. If they do get help, being there for them during recovery is incredibly important. Sobriety and recovery are not linear so expect relapses and don't criticize them for it.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Non-linear sobriety and recovery is a crucial aspect to realize. Great point, you have to expect and accept this as part of the process. Maintain your unconditional regard and continue the healing process. I spent like 4 hours helping my uncle get ready to go to the ER, we waited for 6 hours, they bailed and went home. We did it all again and during the ER stay staff flatly asked them to identify their opioid need. After the third visit to the ER my uncle was finally properly diagnosed and admitted for a bloodborne pathogen infection in their spine.

A combination of terrible healthcare and a patient that was almost willing to suffer and die at home rather then seek care led to this. I was there for the hours of struggle and didn't move from a position of unconditional and loving regard. It was brutal, but it likely kept my uncle alive and able to finally be admitted for care.
 

Divine Moleman

Member
Apr 2, 2021
2,080
Just love that person and talk to them mostly. You won't fix things, you can't, but you can provide an atmosphere that is more conducive to recovery/rebuilding their life.

My one specific strategy I can recommend that MIGHT WORK for SOME PEOPLE is to approach the issue as a medical/psychological one and maybe suggest that their substance abuse could be self-medicating for a chemical imbalance. This might be true. If you can get them to see a helpful psychologist they might get prescribed something (hopefully an anti-depressant and not an addictive drug that can be used to excess like a benzo) that could help treat underlying issues.
 
SilkySm00th

SilkySm00th

Member
Oct 31, 2017
4,803
If it gets bad enough that it's endangering her or other people around her like her child it may take completely cutting off support and stoping the enabling behavior from your family. People will sink or swim when faced with reality upon which they must be independent but someone whose unwilling to see the problem or address it like an adult can't be saved with logical arguments. True addicts just won't care.

A counselor would probably do her wonders if you can get her to see one.
 
Antrax

Antrax

Member
Oct 25, 2017
13,287
Don't forget that her kid is the number one priority here. I know that's going to be the youngest part. Like, tbh she should not be allowed to drive her kid anywhere. But if anybody brings that up, they're "trying to cut her off from her child." Which, I guess you are to a degree, but the kid comes first.

It took my grandma a long time to come to that realization with my brother and I. Our dad (her son) was/is a trainwreck but she never wanted to do anything that he might perceive as not supporting him. We went through so much shit over that stance. It wasn't until we went to college and went No Contact with him that she finally gave us any kind of priority in her life. That still stings and to this day, she knows we're miles closer to our other grandma than her over it.
 
Xero grimlock

Xero grimlock

Member
Dec 1, 2017
2,946
After my dad has claimed to try and get sober 10 times now, nothing. Tough love when they need it, but support when they say they are going to get help is all you can do, and don't let them drag you down.
 

Deleted member 25606

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 29, 2017
8,973
Honestly, both anecdotal evidence (me and my brother are both recovering opiate addicts, and I know a ton of other addicts of all kinds of substances both recovering and active) and statistal research show that until the addict truly hits their personal bottom and truly want to clean up (and even then it's till super hard) it isn't going to happen.

As others have said the most successful thing for people around the addict is support programs and groups for those affected to learn how to cope with it, when to support and when to cut off, and how to deal with the fact it's literally out of your hands.

Also wouldn't hurt if more of society would accept that is actually a medical condition and not just losers with weak will power and junkie scum, but that so far has been a losing uphill battle. You even see that attitude here on "progressive" era all the time.
 
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