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What do you feel is the bigger killer of adult friendships?
- Thread starter entremet
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Lack of Time mostly, I would like to play games with my friends / hang out but considering how difficult it is to line up everyone's schedule + people just doing different things it's gotten even more difficult.
Another thing I've noticed is that we also just gain different perspectives & priorities as we grow. I'm feeling pretty disconnected from my high school friend group because of our differences. Could be anything from the games we like to other social issues. I don't want to just outright cut them out of my life but I feel like I almost have to at some point for my sanity, I constantly talk with others and try to hang out with others and it's difficult for me to be by myself.
Another thing I've noticed is that we also just gain different perspectives & priorities as we grow. I'm feeling pretty disconnected from my high school friend group because of our differences. Could be anything from the games we like to other social issues. I don't want to just outright cut them out of my life but I feel like I almost have to at some point for my sanity, I constantly talk with others and try to hang out with others and it's difficult for me to be by myself.
Yeah, this is very common for guys (making a generalization I know). Women seem to do better here (again, obvious generalization).
This is well documented:
Are Men Really Having A 'Friendship Crisis'?
It’s lonely being a dude, but it doesn't have to be.www.huffpost.com
It's also why every male friend I know took ages to get over their divorce. They neglected to their friends (mostly men in this case) and put all their social needs on the SO.
This is a big reason. Men don't tend keep friendships well after getting married/finding an SO.
Time and kids
Most of my guys have kids now so getting all of us in one place is difficult.
as for time, I work full-time, and I'm a full-time student saving what money I can. It's a sacrifice.
Most of my guys have kids now so getting all of us in one place is difficult.
as for time, I work full-time, and I'm a full-time student saving what money I can. It's a sacrifice.
Yeah, kids.
People that were friends just became acquaintances because their time priorities switched to their family. Even if we still wanted to be friends, hanging out just became inconvenient and awkward because of their family, so I naturally seeked out new single friends without kids
I think it's pretty common for any circle of friends to be closely tied to their state of marital status and kids.
People that were friends just became acquaintances because their time priorities switched to their family. Even if we still wanted to be friends, hanging out just became inconvenient and awkward because of their family, so I naturally seeked out new single friends without kids
I think it's pretty common for any circle of friends to be closely tied to their state of marital status and kids.
I've been able to hold on to mine over the years, fortunately. Though I believe the "killers" can be time, distance, kids, and in one of my cases, a change of interests/personality/ego.
Some people don't have time due to various reasons. If you have a demanding job and a kid, it can make it more difficult.
Distance makes it difficult to get together. I moved nearly 7 years and my wife and I hate not being able to see our friends as frequently. Fortunately it's only a 1.5 hour drive, but it could be worse. Having our gamenights virtually for the past year was just not the same and something I don't think I could keep up with forever.
Kids are a commitment and can severely limit what you can do. A friend and his wife had a kid last year, and my wife and I had our first kid last month. We've been able to get our friend group together a few times which has been great. As long as everyone is supportive and understanding of periodic derailments, it can work out fine.
Change of interests/personality/ego is one some of my friends and I have been experiencing for a while. A friend and his wife get into arguments over trivial stuff, brag about their jobs and finances which really puts some people off, and they're not at all accommodating if it inconveniences them. Be a jerk and people will distance themselves from you.
Some people don't have time due to various reasons. If you have a demanding job and a kid, it can make it more difficult.
Distance makes it difficult to get together. I moved nearly 7 years and my wife and I hate not being able to see our friends as frequently. Fortunately it's only a 1.5 hour drive, but it could be worse. Having our gamenights virtually for the past year was just not the same and something I don't think I could keep up with forever.
Kids are a commitment and can severely limit what you can do. A friend and his wife had a kid last year, and my wife and I had our first kid last month. We've been able to get our friend group together a few times which has been great. As long as everyone is supportive and understanding of periodic derailments, it can work out fine.
Change of interests/personality/ego is one some of my friends and I have been experiencing for a while. A friend and his wife get into arguments over trivial stuff, brag about their jobs and finances which really puts some people off, and they're not at all accommodating if it inconveniences them. Be a jerk and people will distance themselves from you.
In my experience it's lobsided importance of the friendship. Like, we live in the most connected age in human history. If two people 'want' to stay friends it's really easy to just keep in touch through text, just replying whenever you get a chance. Plus there's video chat and online gaming and even watch parties. The longer one party doesn't respond or the more they respond haphazardly the harder it is for the first party to justify trying to keep it going, and the more awkward it is to keep reaching out.
Have a friend, even going back to highschool, who would pull the same shit. Couldn't be bothered to hang with anyone, even if it had been a while since we last hung out and really just had 1 free night to hang, because seeing a friend you haven't seen in a while is less important than another night with the same girlfriend you've had for years. When they inevitably break up though guess who is back looking to hang all the time again.
Covid, wfh, video games, and still living at home with my parents who instill antisocial tendencies which to be fair I should try to break away from… but my mom also sits my nephew and my brother forces us to wear masks at home if we go outside to meet up in doors so we won't spread it to my mom and them cause there's no vaccine for the kid…
Guess that went a little personal lol. Meeting up with friends later this week though lol.
Guess that went a little personal lol. Meeting up with friends later this week though lol.
They're in a more sound financial place, but it is nearing the time of questions about egg viability.
People don't invest in relationships enough. For me, it's just so easy to stay home and play some games/watch TV, etc.
I've found you just have to keep reaching out. Make sure you're spending time with friends at least once a month. That's been a challenge recently, of course.
I've found you just have to keep reaching out. Make sure you're spending time with friends at least once a month. That's been a challenge recently, of course.
I do that too. Problem is when you end up with a roster of C tier friends in terms of their investment in seeing you and like maybe one A tier friend who occasionally dips into B.
I feel like as an adult you less often are a high priority relationship outside of a romantic partner. Or maybe that's just my experience as someone without a friend group that drifts between one on one friendships with people who have higher priority friend groups of their own.
I had two friend groups in college but those fell apart after graduation when everyone relocated to far away places. Pretty much all my friends left the city one by one. I'll sometimes make a new friend who then moves a year or two later.
This is a big one. The traditional 9-5 mon-sat work week is long gone, many people have to work lates or weekends even if it doesn't mean working more hours overall.
Speaking of my friends group, it's really rare for us all to have our days off coincide and be free of familial obligations.
I don't think there is a single answer either. Women do tend to be better at keeping friendships while married whereas men aren't as good.
Mostly time and distance, I think. Or maybe just differences in lifestyle.
Friends move away. And for those who live nearby, if your lifestyles don't have much in common anymore, there isn't much to talk about.
You have to really put in effort to keep up with friends as you have less things in common, and oftentimes one or both people don't have the time and energy to do so.
Friends move away. And for those who live nearby, if your lifestyles don't have much in common anymore, there isn't much to talk about.
You have to really put in effort to keep up with friends as you have less things in common, and oftentimes one or both people don't have the time and energy to do so.
Speaking from personal experience? Ostracizing others from a group with 0 explanation. Lack of communication as to what is wrong and why.
Depends on the person but men often just disappear when they get into live-in LTRs. Like they're just happy w their SO and maybe a friend hangout once a month.
Now the article has gotten me worried I'm putting too much pressure on my wife because she's my main social outlet. Stupid article...
For me it's just daily obligations. I have a full-time job. I live with my family and have to help with upkeep. It's hard to maintain friendships when you're so exhausted that every second of leisure time feels better spent on relaxation and the few hobbies I actually have. It's a mental health issue perhaps, but there really are only so many hours in the day.
A decade ago I was a social MACHINE. Planning parties, having game nights, spending entire days doing activities with friends, etc. Now that I'm in my early thirties and constantly feeling like I'm in survival mode, my friendships are suffering.
COVID obviously didn't help. Once one of my best friends said NO to hanging out last year, we all basically gave up until everyone was confident in having safe social interactions again. I mean, I was okay with seeing people whenever, but everyone else wasn't. Now it's a struggle getting back into that swing.
A decade ago I was a social MACHINE. Planning parties, having game nights, spending entire days doing activities with friends, etc. Now that I'm in my early thirties and constantly feeling like I'm in survival mode, my friendships are suffering.
COVID obviously didn't help. Once one of my best friends said NO to hanging out last year, we all basically gave up until everyone was confident in having safe social interactions again. I mean, I was okay with seeing people whenever, but everyone else wasn't. Now it's a struggle getting back into that swing.
Yup. I've seen it happen with some of my friends. Granted, as you said, this isn't every man.
I wouldn't worry too much about it. Try to find other outlets if you want to though. I know that's much easier said than done.
Same here. I also have timing issues die to my friends living in different states with different time zones.
If you have kids, the answer is obviously kids, especially if your friends don't have kids. It's simply impossible to match pace and go out all the time like you might have done before you had kids.
Also my interests have changed. I'm in my 30s and have some friends in their 20s. They live hard. Out drinking or to concerts one night, and then in to work on 4 hours of sleep and/or hungover the next day. fuck that shit. I like to have friends over for some board games once ever 1-2 weeks, and I play games with my friends most nights for a couple of hours. Beyond that, I like going to bed at a pretty reasonable early and getting up around 5~6:30. I don't miss feeling shitty the next day for crimes committed the night before.
Also my interests have changed. I'm in my 30s and have some friends in their 20s. They live hard. Out drinking or to concerts one night, and then in to work on 4 hours of sleep and/or hungover the next day. fuck that shit. I like to have friends over for some board games once ever 1-2 weeks, and I play games with my friends most nights for a couple of hours. Beyond that, I like going to bed at a pretty reasonable early and getting up around 5~6:30. I don't miss feeling shitty the next day for crimes committed the night before.
I will say you might lose single friends...but you do gain friends with kids. We're at a good point where we can hang out with several couples with kids. Its great because they were friends with us prior, and they all decided to have kids around the same time. So we take trips together etc (Beach, Mountain Cabin, Disney etc)
Yea there's some truth to this. But it's definitely something you can overcomeYeah, this is very common for guys (making a generalization I know). Women seem to do better here (again, obvious generalization).
This is well documented:
Are Men Really Having A 'Friendship Crisis'?
It’s lonely being a dude, but it doesn't have to be.
It's also why every male friend I know took ages to get over their divorce. They neglected to their friends (mostly men in this case) and put all their social needs on the SO.
Careers, kids, houses and significant others do a number on hanging out with friends. It's just a lot harder to do when you have to maintain so many other things.
I have a friend who basically cut himself off because he lost his job and was embarrassed. Once he got a new job, he got back in touch and I explained to him "our friendship is a judgment free zone. And his behavior was unnecessary."
Honestly, I have a few friends that have ducked out due to circumstances like that and it always sucks because I don't value them for superficial reasons that caused them to duck out in the first place.
You shouldn't feel left behind like that. You're just robbing yourself and your friend of what's really important. Material possessions do not matter as much as a friendship.
You see people keep saying kids, but my Mother had a great social life and we always had a good balance going, some weekends I'd be with friends or I'd stay with Grandparents, but sometimes I would tag along with my Mother and we would stay at her friends house who were really supportive.
They would always have things to do for me, often a console would be there and we would go out for a meal together. Then when it was getting late they knew I had to sleep earlier and couldn't go to a pub or club so we would go home and I would go to bed, they would stay up for a few hours and drink and have a laugh but they were always respectful of time and noise.
Once I was old enough I would sometimes sneak to the Pub with my mum. She always had a great balance and I had such a great time growing up.
But that was a generation ago in the late 90s/2000s, a young single Mum with an only child who was struggling to balance everything, no social media. But its not impossible.
I'm 33 this year and I'm so glad I have a shared interest trying to run a band, despite the pandemic we still have a laugh and FaceTime regularly. I do think Men struggle more than Women, perhaps it's a developmental and societal thing but I find Men tend to need a 'focus' to centre their relationships on, rather than just 'hanging' out, otherwise it falls into the same dull rhythm or the Pub, beer and sports.
They would always have things to do for me, often a console would be there and we would go out for a meal together. Then when it was getting late they knew I had to sleep earlier and couldn't go to a pub or club so we would go home and I would go to bed, they would stay up for a few hours and drink and have a laugh but they were always respectful of time and noise.
Once I was old enough I would sometimes sneak to the Pub with my mum. She always had a great balance and I had such a great time growing up.
But that was a generation ago in the late 90s/2000s, a young single Mum with an only child who was struggling to balance everything, no social media. But its not impossible.
I'm 33 this year and I'm so glad I have a shared interest trying to run a band, despite the pandemic we still have a laugh and FaceTime regularly. I do think Men struggle more than Women, perhaps it's a developmental and societal thing but I find Men tend to need a 'focus' to centre their relationships on, rather than just 'hanging' out, otherwise it falls into the same dull rhythm or the Pub, beer and sports.
this is my take, in time everyone i think learns how to just stop needing any specific person and it reveals how easy it actually is, and that's knowledge you're never giving back
I've been with the same folk since preschool and we don't see or speak to each other less even after marriage and children. I don't understand how people can't keep friends tbh.
Kids in my experience.
It's just a total transformation for a person's life. Marriage is the first big change, but you can work around that. Kids not so much.
Don't get me wrong, I still keep in touch with my close friends who have kids, but it's definitely less steady than before.
It's just a total transformation for a person's life. Marriage is the first big change, but you can work around that. Kids not so much.
Don't get me wrong, I still keep in touch with my close friends who have kids, but it's definitely less steady than before.
Kids / work / life
Kids are easily the biggest blockers. Once they get older they don't take up as much time, but you still want to generally be around during prime time hours.
Some people have careers that take up a lot more time, and can get in the way of scheduling hangouts. And in some fields, you need to be working on your skills to remain competitive.
And then there is the general "life" bucket that just comes up - like someone is going out of town with their SO, or they have a parent that needs some help, are going through a divorce, etc.
I play online games with some friends once a week, but it's fallen off lately - one guy's kids got sick, which tanked that week. Then a different guy was crunching on a game that was about to ship, then a different person had work issues, etc. It doesn't take much to knock a schedule out of whack, especially once a family is involved.
Edit: meant to add that at some point, it just becomes too much of a hassle, and the frustration of blocking off time only to have things fall apart tends to make people drop it after a while.
Kids are easily the biggest blockers. Once they get older they don't take up as much time, but you still want to generally be around during prime time hours.
Some people have careers that take up a lot more time, and can get in the way of scheduling hangouts. And in some fields, you need to be working on your skills to remain competitive.
And then there is the general "life" bucket that just comes up - like someone is going out of town with their SO, or they have a parent that needs some help, are going through a divorce, etc.
I play online games with some friends once a week, but it's fallen off lately - one guy's kids got sick, which tanked that week. Then a different guy was crunching on a game that was about to ship, then a different person had work issues, etc. It doesn't take much to knock a schedule out of whack, especially once a family is involved.
Edit: meant to add that at some point, it just becomes too much of a hassle, and the frustration of blocking off time only to have things fall apart tends to make people drop it after a while.
the only friend I still regularly hang out with lives a few minutes walk away. neither of us have a car.
so yeah, I'd say distance is the biggest culprit.
so yeah, I'd say distance is the biggest culprit.
Literally said Happy Birthday to my friend since Kindergarten earlier today. He is now 47.
If people are worth it, you figure out a way. And me and this friend definitely have had some ups and downs over 4 decades.
But we make it work as best we can because it is worth doing so.
I think you ultimately just figure out a lot of people are not worth the bullshit they require.
Yes, it takes some effort, but it should never feel like it does if that makes any sense.
I am fortunate that I still have many friends from high school. Kids. No kids. Issues. No issues.
But we figure it out.
If people are worth it, you figure out a way. And me and this friend definitely have had some ups and downs over 4 decades.
But we make it work as best we can because it is worth doing so.
I think you ultimately just figure out a lot of people are not worth the bullshit they require.
Yes, it takes some effort, but it should never feel like it does if that makes any sense.
I am fortunate that I still have many friends from high school. Kids. No kids. Issues. No issues.
But we figure it out.
