Okay,
I'll tell a bit and if anyone wants to message me feel free.
I'm struggling with being a 23 year old where I feel I have control of my life. Almost two years ago, my dad had an affair, this led me and mom to leave the house we live in and since then have lived here. I don't speak to my dad much, he wasn't a great father growing up, favored my brother and never really took an initiative into me. There's so much to this relationship that it would take quite awhile to write about it. He always tell me he's there for me and calls me son now, where before this he never did. My brother talks to him once a week, i text but pretty inconsistent. My brother, friends everybody says I should have a relationship with him or he's changed but i'm not ready. They keep stating if something was to happen i'd regret it forever. This makes me even more conflicted, today's his birthday I wished him a happy birthday he asked to come over tomorrow but the rest of his side of the family is coming. I don't want to go simply because that side of the family causes a lot of trouble, when my brother was getting married they told my brother he was a disgrace and said some horrible things, my dad said he would never forgive them for the things he said about his kids but yet he spends a lot of time with them. Maybe it's because he lonely or not but he did put himself in this situation.
His girlfriend or whatever we call her, has been around for awhile not a hundred percent sure how long precisely because he lied about it for so long and kept changing if they were still seeing each other after my mom is separated. It's hard not to keep thinking of the past because I don't have much going on in my life now. Maybe I resent him because he came out of this with a new girlfriend, the house, reconnecting with family (he didn't talk to his side much before this) and i'm here taking care of my mom and my grandparents. My mom is better she struggled for a long time and honestly think she's doing better then I am now. My grandfather is dying of cancer and it's scary to see him get worse but also not knowing where i'll be living in several years. I just feel like the little family I'm connected to is slowly dying and it scares me. Do I embrace this family that hasn't been there for me in the past just the sake to say I have family. Last week, during a casual conversation I found out that my grandfather had an affair on my grandmother while my grandfather was in the room to listen. He became quiet for the rest of the night and my mom didn't know why. I had kept this a secret and eventually told her and she had a gut feeling it happened when she was young. Now i'm also conflicted, my grandfather has been there for me but he also fucked up hard, so it right to be okay with my grandfather and not my dad? I don't know.
I also think about my ex a lot, I know it was a toxic relationship but I did vent to her a lot, but she knew me the best. I miss that, maybe it's because she knew what to say to me but sometimes my friends words don't make my feelings better or I feel like if I share my consist thoughts they become numb to it. I feel like I have to talk about my feelings a lot and it's hard too when you feel like you're stuck. There suggestions, get a place of your own. I would love it but how do I afford it and still pay for university. My next step I think is to get a car at least have some freedom. I just feel lost in life and I know people care about me but it's just a reality that if something was to happen I would be forgotten like that because I haven't really lived a productive life. I know being 23 is so young but I just feel like stuck in limbo till this unknown event occurs where it could be much worse. It's feeling like you are always gasping for air and the only time I breath is when i'm either in the bathroom or out walking on my own.
I wish I could say I have a room to myself but I don't it''s just the downstairs of my grandparents basement, maybe my hatred or anger for my dad occurs because of what I wake up to everyday. A simple reminder that his life is moving forward but mine is not. Meaningless words of him saying i'm here for you or if you need anything let me know as if I need to put that effort into everything. He 100% knows where I live and you think he would ask if i need a dresser or somewhere to put clothes but instead he just spend huge bills on his girlfriend or whatever they are. She's married and has two kids but says her and her husband are separating but they live in the same house still. I've asked my dad what they are and his answer is always the same she's someone special son. I know for a fact her and her husband still take photos and do adventures together due to social media so I have no idea what their relationship is. I know it's none of my business but he keeps asking if I want to meet her. I really don't, and frankly I don't enjoy seeing him but like I stated before people say you have to understand it from his point of view, of how he must be lonely and losing both of his sons, etc. Maybe he should of just separated without cheating but it's done and can't dwell on it.
My brother lives two hours away, I tried to have a conversation on how to get better and this led to his wife coming on the phone and suggesting it's good to get out of my grandparents house and maybe go to the house to see my dad or stay over when he's not there. She kept pressuring and I said no and it doesn't make me feel good, she started swearing and saying she was just trying to help and i'm being overly negatively and i'm not thinking positively. My brother took over the phone and said night. I think about this night also all the time, it's the feeling where you don't feel like you have many people to talk too without being pressured or judged.
Maybe seeing my dad is a good thing, I have no idea. I just know this whole divorce has fucked me up hard. I keep thinking my ex is probably relieved at this point because she doesn't have to keep hearing about my issues on a daily. I know happiness is just a feeling that comes and goes but it's not as frequent as it was before, even hanging out with friends it starts to sink in this isn't permanent and i'll have to be faced with my thoughts on all this issues later that day. Sorry for how long this post is.
Right now, I'm off of work and work full-time at a school, it pays 24 an hour but it has a lot of drawbacks and also doing university part-time, if I didn't have university course content i'd probably lose my mind on what to do. Since breaking up i've been on some dating apps just to have causal conversations but so far no luck, hearing my friends talk to girls frequently makes me think i'm not attractive, while my ex always said she thought i'm hot I keep thinking is that because I was her first boyfriend. I don't know. I just feel like i'm this shell of the person I was and I know you need to love yourself before someone else can but it's a challenge when you seem not to be attractive to majority of people on these apps.
The only thing that tends to bring me happiness is my walks I go for daily, it helps and I go for an hour but after that hour these feelings sink in again. It could be something I struggle with for awhile but I really wish some positive things would come out soon. These past two years have been exhausting.
