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Truly atrocious reviews.

GoaThief

GoaThief

Member
Oct 25, 2017
309
Escapist Dragon Age 2 perfect score review;


Includes such gems as
In fact, like Uncharted 2 and Empire Strikes Back, Dragon Age II is the rare sequel that improves upon its already excellent predecessor. The dialogue options inspired by BioWare's work on Mass Effect allow you to roleplay the voiced character of Hawke however you want.
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Not only does Dragon Age II play better, it looks absolutely gorgeous. Gone is the mess of pixels and aura bugs that were the graphics of Origins and in its place is a combination of environments that just sing
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Bottom Line: A pinnacle of role-playing games with well-designed mechanics and excellent story-telling, Dragon Age II is what videogames are meant to be.

Recommendation: Buy it, steal it, beat up your little brother so you can play it.
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I really liked Dragon Age: Origins, the second was a huge slap in the face for many due to the multiple changes (shall we call it the Mass Effecting?) but even ardent Dragon Age 2 fans would be hard pressed to consider it more or less perfect with its poor, ugly environments, repetitive dungeons and the like.
 
ADee

ADee

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
963
Sweden
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Rotobit

Rotobit

Editor at Nintendo Wire
Verified
Oct 27, 2017
10,196
JazzmanZ said:
The Electronic Playgrounds review of Super Smash bros.


a choice quote

"You see, while there are 12 fat-heads to play with, four of which are hidden characters like Luigi or Captain Falcon (from StarFox), the control configuration is of the one-button-fits all variety. That is to say, the same button-combos work the same magic for each and every character. Nintendo says this "convenient system allows you to switch easily between characters without having to get the hang of basic moves all over again." That�s a load of crap. "

I implore you to read the full thing.
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this is an absolute gem and I petition we go back to calling every single Nintendo character a "fat-head". Even Lucina.

also fun how the whole "if it isn't pushing the hardware to its limits whats the point!" ideology shown here continues to this day, though it's harder and harder to maintain as indies crop up.
 

Deleted member 51789

User requested account closure
Banned
Jan 9, 2019
3,705
GoaThief said:
Escapist Dragon Age 2 perfect score review;


Includes such gems as





I really liked Dragon Age: Origins, the second was a huge slap in the face for many due to the multiple changes (shall we call it the Mass Effecting?) but even ardent Dragon Age 2 fans would be hard pressed to consider it more or less perfect with its poor, ugly environments, repetitive dungeons and the like.
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The recommendation comes across like it's written by reviewer in the 90s trying to sound cool, and any line saying something similar to 'X game is what videogames are meant to be' is super cringey - but the rest of it reads OK (not out of this world by any means - a few too many trite phrases - but the points made seem to be supported fine), and it just sounds like they enjoyed the game more than Origins?
 
Taruranto

Taruranto

Member
Oct 26, 2017
5,047
GoaThief said:
Escapist Dragon Age 2 perfect score review;


Includes such gems as





I really liked Dragon Age: Origins, the second was a huge slap in the face for many due to the multiple changes (shall we call it the Mass Effecting?) but even ardent Dragon Age 2 fans would be hard pressed to consider it more or less perfect with its poor, ugly environments, repetitive dungeons and the like.
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You can do this for any review of any Bioware game except Anthem lol

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Hailinel

Hailinel

Shamed a mod for a tag
Member
Oct 27, 2017
35,527
Crushed said:
There's a Zero Punctuation/Yahtzee example where he was absolutely serious, despite his tongue in cheek humor personality.

Monster Hunter 3.

-Complaining that you don't actually fight big monsters like in the intro (ie, he never made it out of the tutorial)

-Somehow exaggerating the length of the tutorial (which was admittedly already quite long! It didn't need exaggeration!) to twice the longest time it should take anyone

-Going on a rant about how the game must not be open world because it's on the Wii

-Inventing an impossible scenario. I'd have to go back and watch the whole thing to remember the exact wording, but at one point he complains about a part where a big monster is in the water and he was stuck on land with no way to fight it. The only time anything close to that happens is during a tutorial mission when Lagiacrus appears in the middle of it as a surprise. Except, that mission has you learn about how to swim and attack underwater. Lagi only appears after you move to a new water only area, and then the Guild helper tells you to get the fuck out of there because it's too early to fight it. You swim back to the shore area and Lagi eventually follows and stays in the water; you're told to just head back to camp and end the mission. This is... obviously totally different from the scenario Croshaw describes.
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Somehow, none of this surprises me, but I haven't watched him in ages and haven't had any inclination to when it became clear he was the only one on board The Escapist that had no intent of leaving when it was completely on fire and sinking into the ocean.
 
PerrierChaud

PerrierChaud

Member
Feb 24, 2019
1,008
Jinroh said:
Dying light. Gamekult gave it a 4/10. The game is fantastic.
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My God even on ResetEra? Jesus Christ that thing went deep into some people's feelings

While I have no particular review in mind, I'd say gaming outlets finally got a decent grip on effectively pointing out artocious technical flaws. Last gen was a shitshow in almost every single way in terms of performance, IQ, bugs and they never really bothered taking that into account. FPS and side by side comparisons are finally a thing – I guess we can thank Digital Foundry for that.
Now if they could just balance review scores and use a grounded scale and not giving away 8s and 9s and fucking 10s (every single review that grades a 10 is a bad review btw) that'd be swell.
 
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russbus64

russbus64

Member
May 1, 2018
1,924
I think IGN had a Sonic Lost World video review where the reviewer didn't know there was a run button? On mobile so I can't find a link right now.
 
Error 52

Error 52

Banned
Nov 1, 2017
2,032
I forgot about Waypoint's Forza Horizon 3 article, which basically reads like someone trying to take the piss out of Waypoint.

I can sorta see what they were trying to do here, but the article as is goes on such a long fucking tangent, is barely related to the game at all, and generally feels like it's overthinking a game that is as inoffensive as it gets. And the parking lot metaphor at the end is one of the worst I've ever seen in a gaming article.

And, I dunno, I can't really relate to the premise of the article at all. The UK is a dumpster fire right now, but I can forget about it just fine when playing Horizon 4.
 
DrLight66

DrLight66

Banned
Nov 27, 2017
296
Pretty much every GamePro Magazine review of Dreamcast games, particularly Air Hendrix's review of MDK 2. I don't have proof but I'm 99% certain GamePro was being bribed by Sony to give Dreamcast games very little coverage and terrible reviews.
 
Hailinel

Hailinel

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Oct 27, 2017
35,527
Error 52 said:
I forgot about Waypoint's Forza Horizon 3 article, which basically reads like someone trying to take the piss out of Waypoint.

I can sorta see what they were trying to do here, but the article as is goes on such a long fucking tangent, is barely related to the game at all, and generally feels like it's overthinking a game that is as inoffensive as it gets. And the parking lot metaphor at the end is one of the worst I've ever seen in a gaming article.

And, I dunno, I can't really relate to the premise of the article at all. The UK is a dumpster fire right now, but I can forget about it just fine when playing Horizon 4.
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I just read through that and...damn. I know Waypoint gets unearned flak for the direction they want to take social discourse on their site, and more power to them, but that review really does read like a parody of a Waypoint review.

"Forza Horizon 3 is here. And now I'll review the nation of Australia and why it's perpetual shit."

OK??????
 

Allice

Member
Oct 9, 2018
150
above average said:
Thanks for responding to me specifically with this condescending nothingness of a response, I see that dealing with facts and logical progression is hard for you.
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Dat post history and those facts, lol.

Trying to find connections between different reviews and somehow correlating that to a media wide conspiracy against the honor of PS3, that's some above average logical progression right there.

On topic, never realized Edge gave VtM:B a 6, that's cool tho. Bloodlines is the GOAT however it was a technical disaster at the launch and had a few unavoidable crashes as well. Those issues were bound to sour critics and the public.
 
Garrod Ran

Garrod Ran

self-requested ban
Banned
Mar 23, 2018
16,203
cannot for the life of me remember where it was, but there was a site that gave Nier (the original) a 0/10 and it basically boiled down the reviewer not fishing in the right spot when the right spot is clearly indicated on the map
 
deepFlaw

deepFlaw

Knights of Favonius World Tour '21
Member
Oct 25, 2017
23,494
Really not a fan of this thread being a thing, to be honest.

We need less people shitting on reviews they disagree with here, not more. And I know this was meant to be more humerously inaccurate ones, but given how people tend to misrepresent/misunderstand things they just don't like as being that... not a great feeling.

Hailinel said:
I just read through that and...damn. I know Waypoint gets unearned flak for the direction they want to take social discourse on their site, and more power to them, but that review really does read like a parody of a Waypoint review.

"Forza Horizon 3 is here. And now I'll review the nation of Australia and why it's perpetual shit."

OK??????
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But that's absolutely not a review, just an article?

They didn't do reviews until over a year after that was published.
 
Kagoshima_Luke

Kagoshima_Luke

Member
Oct 27, 2017
278
Pacific NW
Frox said:
The following from EDGE,

Dragon Age - 5/10
Mass Effect - 7/10
Neverwinter Nights - 9/10
Baldur's Gate 2 - 8/10
Fallout 3 - 7/10
Oblivion - 8/10
Morrowind - 6/10
The Witcher 2: Assassin's of Kings - 6/10
Arcanum - 5/10
Temple of Elemental Evil - 4/10
Diablo 2 - 6/10
Vampire The Masquerade Bloodlines - 6/10
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The bolded are perhaps in my top 20 RPGs ever.
 
Red Devil

Red Devil

Member
Oct 29, 2017
824
ADee said:
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To add some angle to this quote, a lot of PS1 games used to map the camera buttons on the shoulder buttons because pre-DualShock controller had no analog sticks. It was cumbersome, yes, but this is before PS2 where analog sticks truly became standard control scheme. In other words, it's familiarity issue.
 
Revali

Revali

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
1,394
Rito Village
"The story isn't interesting enough to keep you involved, and the gameplay doesn't elevate past mashing attacks for combat. All together, it's a disappointing title, and not one that I suggest checking out." - Gaming Age on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky

Not liking the gameplay is one thing but saying its story isn't interesting is just bad.
 
deepFlaw

deepFlaw

Knights of Favonius World Tour '21
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Oct 25, 2017
23,494
Revali said:
"The story isn't interesting enough to keep you involved, and the gameplay doesn't elevate past mashing attacks for combat. All together, it's a disappointing title, and not one that I suggest checking out." - Gaming Age on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky

Not liking the gameplay is one thing but saying its story isn't interesting is just bad.
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Not to be rude, but this is pretty much the exact thing wrong with this thread.

"Atrocious" does not mean "I disagreed with this and bizarrely held a grudge about it for a literal decade". Though at least you're not one of the people who apparently are still bothered by Polygon daring to even slightly criticize sexualization in Bayonetta 2, giving it the low low score of... 7.5.
 
Aminga

Aminga

Member
Oct 27, 2017
911
deepFlaw said:
Really not a fan of this thread being a thing, to be honest.

We need less people shitting on reviews they disagree with here, not more. And I know this was meant to be more humerously inaccurate ones, but given how people tend to misrepresent/misunderstand things they just don't like as being that... not a great feeling.



But that's absolutely not a review, just an article?

They didn't do reviews until over a year after that was published.
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Agreed, I mean edge just released some scores so that's more than likely the culprit for this thread. I'm not seeing many haha so left field reviews instead I'm seeing many--- how dare they score this game which is my goat poorly. Fire and brimstone.
 
Cantaim

Cantaim

Member
Oct 25, 2017
33,322
The Stussining
I can't remember the name of the game. But there was a ps1 aliens game where the reviewer shit on it because they thought it was unnatural to use the dual shock to walk and control the camera in a FPS.
 
Revali

Revali

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
1,394
Rito Village
deepFlaw said:
Not to be rude, but this is pretty much the exact thing wrong with this thread.

"Atrocious" does not mean "I disagreed with this and bizarrely held a grudge about it for a literal decade". Though at least you're not one of the people who apparently are still bothered by Polygon daring to even slightly criticize sexualization in Bayonetta 2, giving it the low low score of... 7.5.
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I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that I've held a grudge about this for a literal decade.
 

Deleted member 13101

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
17,973
Differing opinions to my own are just fine with me, I don't consider those atrocious. Review scores are whatever, since the assignment and aggregation processes surrounding review scores are still rooted in the arbitrary.

But reviewers differing on facts, or expressing insensitivity/indifference to the product, people, or process of development and playing games, can be misleading to the reader. I do not appreciate being misled. The last time this happened to me was about a month ago.
 

Deleted member 37151

Account closed at user request
Banned
Jan 1, 2018
2,038
Reading these replies makes me sympathise with reviewers.

Sometimes you just bounce off games. It took me ages to appreciate DKC : TF. The first few levels took me weeks to do as I occasionally booted it up and played it but didn't really enjoy it. Then something clicked and I really got into it and blasted through the rest.

Take a long game, though. One people say doesn't really get good until 10 hours in. One where you need to play for 40 to appreciate the post game content etc. That's an entire working week. That's before you've got any words down. You think most reviewers are getting a full working week to review stuff?

And then sometimes you just bounce off a game. You're not taken in by it's charms at all. Like that God Hand review. I have bounced off Bioshock every time I've plated it. It doesn't seem anything more than an average FPS with a pretentious plot and lovely design. I'd give it 5/10, but that's not the right opinion and Internet nerds will jump down your throat.

Either we accept that games are an artform like movies and music, and that people's experiences with them are personal and informed by their world and internal life. I love the EDF games but mainly because I have fond memories of playing co op with a friend.

Or games are software. Like spreadsheets with only technical merits to consider.

They're kind of a bit of both.

I actually don't think any reviews posted here are bad. Their personal responses to games. Even the Football Manager one is useful and good becuase the game IS baffling to casual football fans and they're unlikely to get anything out of it.
 
Squid Bunny

Squid Bunny

One Winged Slayer
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Jun 11, 2018
5,340
Hailinel said:
Unless I'm mistaken, he stopped publishing game reviews after the blowback over that.
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It wasn't after Senua, it was mostly that he was tired of being endlessly harassed every time someone didn't like a score.

He gave Hellblade a bad score despite actually loving the game because of a gamebreaking glitch that erased his save. He was pissed, did the video, noticed he was too harsh and apologized.
 
DarthWalden

DarthWalden

Prophet of Truth
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Oct 27, 2017
6,030
The one review that always bugged me is Ryan Mcaffery review of Alien Isolation.

I find I typically see eye to eye with RM so I was surprised to see and read his review of Alien after I had played it because to me it still ranks as one of my favorite games this generation.
 
Jobbs

Jobbs

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
5,639
Some of the Alien Isolation reviews were truly embarrassing, particularly Polygon's, who didn't even seem to understand how to play and gave it a 5/10 (iirc). The best horror game ever made, a masterclass in just about every way (story was a bit limp, sure, but story is not important to me), and it got so many super low scores
 
StallionDan

StallionDan

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
7,705
I remember some Arkham Asylum review got pulled as it criticised a bug about the gliding bugging out and making Batman fall. It was a 'feature' of pirated PC copies.
 
deepFlaw

deepFlaw

Knights of Favonius World Tour '21
Member
Oct 25, 2017
23,494
Revali said:
I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that I've held a grudge about this for a literal decade.
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I just assumed you read the review when the game came out 11 years ago, which I don't think is an unfair assumption when people are bringing up reviews that are even older. Apologies for misunderstanding that.
 
Jaxar

Jaxar

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Oct 25, 2017
2,048
Australia
Jobbs said:
Some of the Alien Isolation reviews were truly embarrassing, particularly Polygon's, who didn't even seem to understand how to play and gave it a 5/10 (iirc). The best horror game ever made, a masterclass in just about every way (story was a bit limp, sure, but story is not important to me), and it got so many super low scores
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Sorry but Alien Isolation was a good but divisive game at launch and still is today. You may consider it to be the 'best horror game ever made' and a 'masterclass in just about every way' but I assure you that is not the general consensus now or at launch.

Critics giving the game a 5/10 is not surprising to me in the least because it did receive quite mixed reviews.
 
Sotha_Sil

Sotha_Sil

Member
Nov 4, 2017
5,059
Jobbs said:
Some of the Alien Isolation reviews were truly embarrassing, particularly Polygon's, who didn't even seem to understand how to play and gave it a 5/10 (iirc). The best horror game ever made, a masterclass in just about every way (story was a bit limp, sure, but story is not important to me), and it got so many super low scores
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Niche games are more likely to have a wider range of review scores. I think Prey is one of the best games released this gen, but it got a lot of 5/10 and 6/10 scores. There's an audience that gets them, and an audience that doesn't. You see that less with mainstream game reviews.
 
Landford

Landford

Attempted to circumvent ban with alt account
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Oct 25, 2017
4,678
I unironically believe that atrocious Alien Isolation review is part of the reason we wont get another one.
 
Memento

Memento

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Oct 26, 2017
8,129
There is a site (or magazind idr) on metacritic that I am 100% sure they only make bad reviews and give bad scores for highly acclaimed games just to be the one exposed as the lowest review in the front metacritic page
 
blueredandgold

blueredandgold

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Oct 25, 2017
5,601
The Eurogamer Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze review taking up so much time complaining about the fact it was on Wii U.

The Gamespot Yoshi's Woolly World review complaining that playing it was taking away from the reviewer's Witcher 3 time.

I don't have to like a review even though I am or may be partial to the game that's being reviewed, nor if that game actually scores quite high either.
 
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