Feel free to shoot me a PM, I may not be able to reply super responsive with work and all but I'll do what I can to help :)Would someone be able to talk?
I have been feeling really awful the past few days and it's not fair for me to keep dumping everything onto my mom (she's the only person im out too)
Would someone be able to talk?
I have been feeling really awful the past few days and it's not fair for me to keep dumping everything onto my mom (she's the only person im out too)
1 month on HRT so far.
No physical changes yet (obviously) except *maybe* clearer skin. I say maybe because plenty of times in the past I've gone weeks without any acne before it returns with a vengeance.
Also my breasts have occasionally felt a little sensitive but I'm pretty sure that's just placebo as I first noticed it like 2 days after starting, which is way to earlier for anything to happen.
Mentally I have been feeling more depressed and suicidal lately. I'm not sure if its HRT amplifying my existing emotions or if its just my SAD flaring up. I often feel more awful than usual around December and January. My dysphoria is still awful but what has been really driving the negative thoughts is regret about the past. Even if I end up one of the lucky ones and everything turns out OK (and I have little faith that it will) I still can't escape the feeling that I've already lost the most important years of my life.
Also I think spiro might be giving me digestive issues. I've been chronically constipated for the past two weeks. I've started changing my diet to incorporate more fiber and drink more water so hopefully that helps. The constant bloating has also reduced my appetite and I've lost almost 10 lbs, which could be dangerous if it continues as I'm already at the bottom of the healthy bmi range for my height. I've dealt with anorexia in the past but this is different; I'm just not hungry enough to maintain rather than intentionally starving myself.
Sounds a lot like my sister.Yeah its good that she's talking to you about it at least. When I told me mom she just kinda was quiet and said it was okay and she loved me and hasn't really acknowledged that it happened since. It would be fine but I can tell she gets uncomfortable when transgender stuff gets brought up. Everyone else I've told has been really supportive so that's nice.
I had to quit Spiro. The GI issues were getting so bad that I had barely slept in 3 days, and ive also started to get crazy dehydrated in the morning despite drinking a ton of water (at least 2 gallons a day). I'm gonna stay off it for a week, drastically increase my salt intake and then try again and see if that improves things.
Unfortunately there aren't many alternatives for T blockers in the U.S. Cypro is banned here and Lupron is completely unaffordable. I have heard good things about Bicalutamide, but it also makes blood testing useless due to it only blocking the receptors and not the actual production of testosterone. I will discuss this all with my endo when I see her in january. Hopefully i can find a work around.
I had to quit Spiro. The GI issues were getting so bad that I had barely slept in 3 days, and ive also started to get crazy dehydrated in the morning despite drinking a ton of water (at least 2 gallons a day). I'm gonna stay off it for a week, drastically increase my salt intake and then try again and see if that improves things.
Unfortunately there aren't many alternatives for T blockers in the U.S. Cypro is banned here and Lupron is completely unaffordable. I have heard good things about Bicalutamide, but it also makes blood testing useless due to it only blocking the receptors and not the actual production of testosterone. I will discuss this all with my endo when I see her in january. Hopefully i can find a work around.
Sounds a lot like my sister.
There is still a lot of familiy left, most importantly my grandmothers and my brother, but that will have to wait till 2018
I get along well with my bother, but he is... complicated and tends to overreact.
He also lives relatively far away, so I will probably come out to win when he vists us in 2018
As for my grandmother, one of the should be (relatively) fine (she rarely if ever gets mad at anything), but the other one is going to be difficult.
I will infrom them after I moved, because a bit of distant is probably for the best.
That really stinks, I hope your endo can figure out a work around for you.
Time lines are very encouraging for, since it's impressive how much people can over a few years.
Because of my winter depression I'm not in the best mood, but it's not big deal.
This year I'm just be bit more vulnerable than usual.
I don't even hate winter, but a part of my brain cerainly does.I'm sending good vibes your way via queer witch telepathy plz stand by
Winter sucks butts, hang in there!!
Has anyone here gotten face feminization surgery or voice feminization surgery? I'm going to presume the answer is very likely yes.
I am interested but scared about the opportunity. I've been given scares about horror stories of cosmetic surgery my whole life. People always telling me to be happy with my appearance and that cosmetic surgery is "risky". And that a lot of the time is goes wrong.
And recently I've heard much the same things about voice feminization surgery. Someone told me that I could lose my voice. And others have told me there is a good chance something would go wrong and my voice would become deeper. That's terrifying. But also I really frustrated with trying to make my voice become more feminine through practice. I guess it is taking so long that I am becoming impatient.
Does anyone know what my risks are? I really want a more feminine face and voice really badly right now.
Also I am unhappy and unsatisfied with therapists of all sorts in my area. Psychological issues like my mild OCD and other things, gender therapists who deal with trans patients with gender dysphoria, voice therapy. Are there any good online therapists you would recommend who are likely to be covered by just about any type of insurance I might have? The therapists in my town have been so disappointing.
That is terrible. I am so sorry that your sister is going through that. I am sorry for her loss.I was going to come out to my sister by sending her an email, just seemed like a good time, new year and all, but she called me before I sent it and she was drunk. She's been having a rough year because her boyfriend has a terminal disease and is pretty much at the end. I didn't want to add to all the stress and unhappiness she already has. :( Maybe in a few months.
I've been trying really hard to deal with this but I just can't shake the feeling that HRT just doesn't hold any solutions for my dysphoria. I've been on it for so long, that I'm scared that I'll never really pass and see myself as a woman in the mirror. And I feel like my dysphoria is just getting worse because of it, because the hope that HRT would help in any way is just kind of gone.
See if you can get Medi Cal. From there find general health clinics that take it and talk with the people there to figure out where to go.I want to transition but I don't even know how to begin, I have no insurance and don't know how much it will cost, do I still need a therapist? I'm in California so I probably have it easier than most but I have no idea where to start.
That is so disappointing. And so is the possibility of such long waiting times. I admit I am feeling rather impatient.I would honestly heavily advise against voice Surgery, as like you said, people have actually lost their voice from doing it.
Yes, I guess you're right. I guess I am unhappy with the fact my vocal chords were masculinized by puberty at all.
I'm so sorry to hear that. :/I was going to come out to my sister by sending her an email, just seemed like a good time, new year and all, but she called me before I sent it and she was drunk. She's been having a rough year because her boyfriend has a terminal disease and is pretty much at the end. I didn't want to add to all the stress and unhappiness she already has. :( Maybe in a few months.
Wow, thank you so much. I will download and try those out right away.If you're on Android, I use the following apps myself to practice my voice.
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=de.lilithwittmann.voicepitchanalyzer
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=co.speechtools.voiceanalystfree&hl=en
I've been trying really hard to deal with this but I just can't shake the feeling that HRT just doesn't hold any solutions for my dysphoria. I've been on it for so long, that I'm scared that I'll never really pass and see myself as a woman in the mirror. And I feel like my dysphoria is just getting worse because of it, because the hope that HRT would help in any way is just kind of gone.
Your welcome (happy face emoji)That is so disappointing. And so is the possibility of such long waiting times. I admit I am feeling rather impatient.
I so wish it were all as easy as something like a video can and just modifying a slider or buying a cosmetic changer microtransation on a cash shop. Alas, reality is never that quick or easy or risk free.
Anyway, thank you very much for all of this advice and taking the time to write out this post.
Yes, I guess you're right. I guess I am unhappy with the fact my vocal chords were masculinized by puberty at all.
And feel like I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm so sorry to hear that. :/
Wow, thank you so much. I will download and try those out right away.
I feel like a lot of people way overstate how effective HRT is and especially how common passing is. Much of it is probably down to survivor bias as people who are unhappy with their transition are less likely to be open and willing to share details about it. This in turn creates unrealistic expectations that can be harmful for a lot of people in the community when those expectations fail.
For my part I went into HRT with zero expectations, mostly viewing it as a last ditch effort because I was (still am) deeply suicidal, so if/when HRT would fail for me I could just kill myself as that was my original plan anyways.
Hrt takes while before the changes take effect, but it's also mircale cure.I don't like talking about this because it feels like I'm guilting people into responding. But if I can't find a way to make this dysphoria go down then that's my plan as well. I'm just reaching out everywhere possible before I finally give up
Hrt takes while before the changes take effect, but it's also mircale cure.
Hold out and meanwhile look for other ways to reduce your dysphoria.
There's a lot more to passing than just hormones. Hormones will do the subtle changes that'll push you over the edge, but there's also hair style, clothing, skin care, body language, etc that'll make one pass too. I didn't really feel like I passed until I got bangs and stuff, as it complimented my appearance and made me look super feminine. Even then, it still took people correctly gendering me as a women by accident to realize that I passed.
Ketkat, is there anything specifically you don't like about your appearance? Anything you absolutely know is a cause of dysphoria for you?
I don't like talking about this because it feels like I'm guilting people into responding. But if I can't find a way to make this dysphoria go down then that's my plan as well. I'm just reaching out everywhere possible before I finally give up
Specifically, pretty much everything. Size of my head, sunken in eyes, nose too big, hairline sucks, broad shoulders, bigger ribcage, height, big hands/feet, and so many others. I don't think there's one thing about myself that I like.
Specifically, pretty much everything. Size of my head, sunken in eyes, nose too big, hairline sucks, broad shoulders, bigger ribcage, height, big hands/feet, and so many others. I don't think there's one thing about myself that I like.
Hmm... a lot of those are little adjustments you can make. You can change the appearance of the size of your head by changing your hairstyle (get a style that draws attention to your facial features, rather than size), and proper use of skin care can help with your eyes and stuff. Or do what I do and wear glasses, which make my eyes pop. >_>
Not much you can do about a bigger rib-cage, but while you can't change your height, you can totally own it. I'm 6'1" myself, but I totally end up passing because I simply wear clothes that draw attention to my legs and make them look good. How tall are you?
Um, what? They aren't little adjustments, most of them are completely unchangeable things that scream man when seen in combination with each other. I can't change hairline, which affects what hairstyles I can have, for one. Shoulders, ribcage, height, hands/feet, facial structure in general, those things can't be changed. And drawing attention to my facial features, which I don't like, doesn't really fix the issue. It just exacerbates different ones while I'll still be fully aware of the size of my head.
Skin care isn't going to help the structure of my skull that has my eyes more sunken in either. These are all things that just happen when you go through a male puberty until you're 21/22. And for some people its not as prominent and they get lucky, but it definitely feels prominent to me and that I got pretty much all of it. And my height is around 6'0.
I feel you. Too often a lot of practical advice from people with passing privilege can fall quite flat, because while cosmetics, hair, and clothing can help a little bit, passing is about 95% bone structure (the other 5% being voice). People don't like to admit this as its uncomfortable to know how little control you have over your own outcome, but simply put you're either fortunate enough to have a bone structure that can pass as andro or fem or you aren't, Its really that simple.
I would suggest looking into getting on a really strong cocktail of anti-depressants to see if that can help numb the dysphoria a bit. There's also general escapism things you can do to try and distract yourself (i don't keep any mirrors in my apartment and I cover all reflective surfaces, I also never leave my place unless its for work, school, or food.) As you said, there's no surgery to correct a masculine bone structure, so you just have to learn to deal with it. It sucks, but that's being Trans, shit just sucks all the time.
Anti-depressants would probably help me out, yeah. But I don't have any income and I don't have health insurance. So that's not happening for a bit. And personally, I'm tired of escapism. I'm tired of just running from my problems, so I'm trying to face them head on. I know I'm just being difficult here by saying that none of it is fixable, but I feel like I have to get everything out there in order to get the advice I need. And while I probably do need to learn to just deal with it. I'm not sure how to get to that point
I've been trying really hard to deal with this but I just can't shake the feeling that HRT just doesn't hold any solutions for my dysphoria. I've been on it for so long, that I'm scared that I'll never really pass and see myself as a woman in the mirror. And I feel like my dysphoria is just getting worse because of it, because the hope that HRT would help in any way is just kind of gone.
How long have you been on? I've been on for two years and change and I feel like I have my ups and downs with dysphoria / passing anxiety. At the start I was really worried about not passing and looking visibly trans but these days, I DON'T think I pass at all, but I actually like the way I look in many ways? Problematic, but when first starting out I'd look at typical "after" pictures and have panic attacks, but these days I've grown pretty comfortable with the idea of not passing. Never expected that. I don't think I look cis but I don't know, I found a place where I'm comfortable. I have a ton of body image problems but they mostly stem from being overweight. I still have feelings like "my shoulders are too wide, my feet are too big" but they're mostly nagging feelings and don't crush me as much as they used to. I'm a big believer in things like good makeup routines, smart clothing choices, etc. Which isn't to say I even wear makeup every day, but when I do knowing which choices are good for me, etc. Also this is an "easier said than done" but actually interacting with other LGBT, especially other transpeople/nb's and creating a real friend group on and off the internet helped immensely. I'm also living in New England in a progressive area, so I'm very lucky in that regard.
I'm 3 - 4 years into it, which makes me feel like I should definitely have all of this sorted out by now. Just going off the picture you posted on this page, I'd say you pass. But even if you feel you don't, was presenting what pushed you into making it seem less crushing? I'm in a pretty shit environment, so how I can present is pretty limited. The little I've been able to do just makes me feel out of place when doing it, like I just look odd, but maybe that's just me not being used to it?