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TransEra |ERA1| We're People, Okay?
- Thread starter SweetNicole
- Start date
- OT
Would someone be able to talk?
I have been feeling really awful the past few days and it's not fair for me to keep dumping everything onto my mom (she's the only person im out too)
I have been feeling really awful the past few days and it's not fair for me to keep dumping everything onto my mom (she's the only person im out too)
Feel free to shoot me a PM, I may not be able to reply super responsive with work and all but I'll do what I can to help :)
You are welcome to pm me any time. I may be a bit slow to reply because i have the super flu or something ;_;
1 month on HRT so far.
No physical changes yet (obviously) except *maybe* clearer skin. I say maybe because plenty of times in the past I've gone weeks without any acne before it returns with a vengeance.
Also my breasts have occasionally felt a little sensitive but I'm pretty sure that's just placebo as I first noticed it like 2 days after starting, which is way to earlier for anything to happen.
Mentally I have been feeling more depressed and suicidal lately. I'm not sure if its HRT amplifying my existing emotions or if its just my SAD flaring up. I often feel more awful than usual around December and January. My dysphoria is still awful but what has been really driving the negative thoughts is regret about the past. Even if I end up one of the lucky ones and everything turns out OK (and I have little faith that it will) I still can't escape the feeling that I've already lost the most important years of my life.
Also I think spiro might be giving me digestive issues. I've been chronically constipated for the past two weeks. I've started changing my diet to incorporate more fiber and drink more water so hopefully that helps. The constant bloating has also reduced my appetite and I've lost almost 10 lbs, which could be dangerous if it continues as I'm already at the bottom of the healthy bmi range for my height. I've dealt with anorexia in the past but this is different; I'm just not hungry enough to maintain rather than intentionally starving myself.
No physical changes yet (obviously) except *maybe* clearer skin. I say maybe because plenty of times in the past I've gone weeks without any acne before it returns with a vengeance.
Also my breasts have occasionally felt a little sensitive but I'm pretty sure that's just placebo as I first noticed it like 2 days after starting, which is way to earlier for anything to happen.
Mentally I have been feeling more depressed and suicidal lately. I'm not sure if its HRT amplifying my existing emotions or if its just my SAD flaring up. I often feel more awful than usual around December and January. My dysphoria is still awful but what has been really driving the negative thoughts is regret about the past. Even if I end up one of the lucky ones and everything turns out OK (and I have little faith that it will) I still can't escape the feeling that I've already lost the most important years of my life.
Also I think spiro might be giving me digestive issues. I've been chronically constipated for the past two weeks. I've started changing my diet to incorporate more fiber and drink more water so hopefully that helps. The constant bloating has also reduced my appetite and I've lost almost 10 lbs, which could be dangerous if it continues as I'm already at the bottom of the healthy bmi range for my height. I've dealt with anorexia in the past but this is different; I'm just not hungry enough to maintain rather than intentionally starving myself.
It's possible that hormones could be amplifying your emotions. I remember that I had pretty bad mood swings when I first started, and eventually they disappeared as my T levels stabilized. I also remember having them come back when I was bumped up to 8mg Estrodial, before stabilizing again. Make sure to keep your endocrinologist (and if applicable, therapist) up to date on your emotional levels, and keep your hormone levels checked to make sure they're okay. The physical changes you've noted, including breasts being sensitive, are pretty normal for the one month period. It's around three months or so that you'll start seeing bigger changes, and you're younger than me as I mentioned before, so don't give up. I bet you'll look very pretty in a year or two.
Sadly, I can't give you advice for spiro, as I'm not on it; I was lucky enough to suppress my T levels with just Estrodial and Finasteride. D:
I came out to my mother a few days ago and she didn't take it too well.
At least she is talking about it with me, my father doesn't want to hear about until I talked to an expert.
Looks like both of them hope that I will change my mind or something, but that's not really how that works.
I'm moving to s big city in march and I think it's easier if all the know me as a woman from the start, but that's not a lot of time.
That won't stop my from trying though. Thankfully my amazing girlfriend is going to make it a lot easier.
At least she is talking about it with me, my father doesn't want to hear about until I talked to an expert.
Looks like both of them hope that I will change my mind or something, but that's not really how that works.
I'm moving to s big city in march and I think it's easier if all the know me as a woman from the start, but that's not a lot of time.
That won't stop my from trying though. Thankfully my amazing girlfriend is going to make it a lot easier.
Yeah its good that she's talking to you about it at least. When I told me mom she just kinda was quiet and said it was okay and she loved me and hasn't really acknowledged that it happened since. It would be fine but I can tell she gets uncomfortable when transgender stuff gets brought up. Everyone else I've told has been really supportive so that's nice.
I had to quit Spiro. The GI issues were getting so bad that I had barely slept in 3 days, and ive also started to get crazy dehydrated in the morning despite drinking a ton of water (at least 2 gallons a day). I'm gonna stay off it for a week, drastically increase my salt intake and then try again and see if that improves things.
Unfortunately there aren't many alternatives for T blockers in the U.S. Cypro is banned here and Lupron is completely unaffordable. I have heard good things about Bicalutamide, but it also makes blood testing useless due to it only blocking the receptors and not the actual production of testosterone. I will discuss this all with my endo when I see her in january. Hopefully i can find a work around.
Unfortunately there aren't many alternatives for T blockers in the U.S. Cypro is banned here and Lupron is completely unaffordable. I have heard good things about Bicalutamide, but it also makes blood testing useless due to it only blocking the receptors and not the actual production of testosterone. I will discuss this all with my endo when I see her in january. Hopefully i can find a work around.
Sounds a lot like my sister.
There is still a lot of familiy left, most importantly my grandmothers and my brother, but that will have to wait till 2018
I get along well with my bother, but he is... complicated and tends to overreact.
He also lives relatively far away, so I will probably come out to win when he vists us in 2018
As for my grandmother, one of the should be (relatively) fine (she rarely if ever gets mad at anything), but the other one is going to be difficult.
I will infrom them after I moved, because a bit of distant is probably for the best.
It's possible to suppress T with just estrogen alone, but it depends on a lot of factors, including having low-ish T levels to begin with.
That really stinks, I hope your endo can figure out a work around for you.
Good Luck!
Last month or so has been kind of rough. I lost my health insurance and I haven't taken my estrogen in over a month and a half because of financial issues. Still taking my Spiro thankfully. I feel pretty depleted without any real hormones in my body. I need to get my act together and figure out a plan instead of treading water like I have been. On the upside, I actually feel about as comfortable in my own body as I ever have, and I've been steadily losing weight dieting. So that's nice.
Worst case scenario I can just import Cypro from QHI or another online pharmacy. The major concern would be customs seizing it though.
I'm sending good vibes your way via queer witch telepathy plz stand by
Winter sucks butts, hang in there!!
Impressive how far you've come, Robin!
I still see saw on my thoughts, though some guys in a jacuzzi at the hotel I stayed at and hearing them talk reminds me that at a bare minimum I really can't connect well with those kinds of people. Funnily enough, that was right after watching Your Name and getting conflicting feelings again.
EDIT: I should probably note that those conflicted feelings usually go to the same end points and probably boil down to gender expression versus gender identity and wanting some sort of mix, or what seems like a mix to me anyway.
I still see saw on my thoughts, though some guys in a jacuzzi at the hotel I stayed at and hearing them talk reminds me that at a bare minimum I really can't connect well with those kinds of people. Funnily enough, that was right after watching Your Name and getting conflicting feelings again.
EDIT: I should probably note that those conflicted feelings usually go to the same end points and probably boil down to gender expression versus gender identity and wanting some sort of mix, or what seems like a mix to me anyway.
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I don't even hate winter, but a part of my brain cerainly does.
It's only a huge deal if I'm already in a bad mood.
Currently my biggest probelm is that I don't have a place to partice make up and to a lesser extend my voice.
At home my mother's boyfirend doesn't know it yet, because he probably wouldn't take it too well and my gf still lives with her stepfather, who already doesn't like me and is an ass in general.
I really need to figure something out in that regard, because I think I could already pass resoanbly well with the right clothes and make-up.
Still not sure what I should do with my hair while it's still short, though.
Has anyone here gotten face feminization surgery or voice feminization surgery? I'm going to presume the answer is very likely yes.
I am interested but scared about the opportunity. I've been given scares about horror stories of cosmetic surgery my whole life. People always telling me to be happy with my appearance and that cosmetic surgery is "risky". And that a lot of the time is goes wrong.
And recently I've heard much the same things about voice feminization surgery. Someone told me that I could lose my voice. And others have told me there is a good chance something would go wrong and my voice would become deeper. That's terrifying. But also I really frustrated with trying to make my voice become more feminine through practice. I guess it is taking so long that I am becoming impatient.
Does anyone know what my risks are? I really want a more feminine face and voice really badly right now.
Also I am unhappy and unsatisfied with therapists of all sorts in my area. Psychological issues like my mild OCD and other things, gender therapists who deal with trans patients with gender dysphoria, voice therapy. Are there any good online therapists you would recommend who are likely to be covered by just about any type of insurance I might have? The therapists in my town have been so disappointing.
I am interested but scared about the opportunity. I've been given scares about horror stories of cosmetic surgery my whole life. People always telling me to be happy with my appearance and that cosmetic surgery is "risky". And that a lot of the time is goes wrong.
And recently I've heard much the same things about voice feminization surgery. Someone told me that I could lose my voice. And others have told me there is a good chance something would go wrong and my voice would become deeper. That's terrifying. But also I really frustrated with trying to make my voice become more feminine through practice. I guess it is taking so long that I am becoming impatient.
Does anyone know what my risks are? I really want a more feminine face and voice really badly right now.
Also I am unhappy and unsatisfied with therapists of all sorts in my area. Psychological issues like my mild OCD and other things, gender therapists who deal with trans patients with gender dysphoria, voice therapy. Are there any good online therapists you would recommend who are likely to be covered by just about any type of insurance I might have? The therapists in my town have been so disappointing.
I've been trying really hard to deal with this but I just can't shake the feeling that HRT just doesn't hold any solutions for my dysphoria. I've been on it for so long, that I'm scared that I'll never really pass and see myself as a woman in the mirror. And I feel like my dysphoria is just getting worse because of it, because the hope that HRT would help in any way is just kind of gone.
I was going to come out to my sister by sending her an email, just seemed like a good time, new year and all, but she called me before I sent it and she was drunk. She's been having a rough year because her boyfriend has a terminal disease and is pretty much at the end. I didn't want to add to all the stress and unhappiness she already has. :( Maybe in a few months.
Long post below
I am scheduled to get facial surgery in 2 years. There is only like 1 man in California that does these surgeries apparently.
This wait time may not apply to you of course.
There will probably be a consultation with the person who will do the facial surgery. There, you can ask questions, and concerns that you may have.
They will probably allow you to break up the surgeries, meaning you can just do your nose, and then just do the chin at a later date for example. This is a great option if you don't want to be under anesthesia for too long.
Many transgender individuals have seen positive results from facial surgery, and I personally have never heard of anyone complaining about their results.
I am not sure if this feature is available everywhere, but surgeons can actually show you what you will look like after the surgery via a computer.
Another option is to take a picture of your face, and then modify it in a painting program. You can remove the features you don't like, and then see how you would look.
Finally, you can go to a website called Realself, where actual surgeons can answer questions, and concerns you may have.
I would honestly heavily advise against voice Surgery, as like you said, people have actually lost their voice from doing it.
The best way in my opinion is practice, or voice training. There are apps that I believe can help you in this matter, though I have forgotten the names. You can also watch a video on how to change your voice, if you would like.
I am not sure about therapists. The transgender therapist I see at Kaiser is great, but of course that doesn't mean they all are everywhere.
I hope my post could be of some help.
If you're on Android, I use the following apps myself to practice my voice.
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=de.lilithwittmann.voicepitchanalyzer
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=co.speechtools.voiceanalystfree&hl=en
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=de.lilithwittmann.voicepitchanalyzer
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=co.speechtools.voiceanalystfree&hl=en
That is terrible. I am so sorry that your sister is going through that. I am sorry for her loss.
I want to transition but I don't even know how to begin, I have no insurance and don't know how much it will cost, do I still need a therapist? I'm in California so I probably have it easier than most but I have no idea where to start.
Its been 3 - 4 years. HRT is pretty much done with any major changes at this point
See if you can get Medi Cal. From there find general health clinics that take it and talk with the people there to figure out where to go.
This may not be the best advice given I'd been waiting quite awhile currently, but that's also a UCSD referral I got.
That is so disappointing. And so is the possibility of such long waiting times. I admit I am feeling rather impatient.
I so wish it were all as easy as something like a video game can and just modifying a slider or buying a cosmetic changer microtransation on a cash shop. Alas, reality is never that quick or easy or risk free.
Anyway, thank you very much for all of this advice and taking the time to write out this post.
Yes, I guess you're right. I guess I am unhappy with the fact my vocal chords were masculinized by puberty at all.
And feel like I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm so sorry to hear that. :/
Wow, thank you so much. I will download and try those out right away.
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Voice surgery has actually come a far way compared to the old style where they would basically rip your voice box out, poke holes in it and hope for the best. Dr. Haben in New York and Dr. Yeson in South Korea are the two biggest names who do the more modern surgery, although there may be others out there that I'm unaware of.
I feel like a lot of people way overstate how effective HRT is and especially how common passing is. Much of it is probably down to survivor bias as people who are unhappy with their transition are less likely to be open and willing to share details about it. This in turn creates unrealistic expectations that can be harmful for a lot of people in the community when those expectations fail.
For my part I went into HRT with zero expectations, mostly viewing it as a last ditch effort because I was (still am) deeply suicidal, so if/when HRT would fail for me I could just kill myself as that was my original plan anyways.
I feel like a lot of people way overstate how effective HRT is and especially how common passing is. Much of it is probably down to survivor bias as people who are unhappy with their transition are less likely to be open and willing to share details about it. This in turn creates unrealistic expectations that can be harmful for a lot of people in the community when those expectations fail.
For my part I went into HRT with zero expectations, mostly viewing it as a last ditch effort because I was (still am) deeply suicidal, so if/when HRT would fail for me I could just kill myself as that was my original plan anyways.
Your welcome (happy face emoji)
It sucks that the wait time is so long for facial surgery. Heck it even took 4 months just to get a consultation with the main surgeon unfortunately.
Time does go by fast though.
I don't like talking about this because it feels like I'm guilting people into responding. But if I can't find a way to make this dysphoria go down then that's my plan as well. I'm just reaching out everywhere possible before I finally give up
My dysphoria is recently getting worse, but I think that's because I have big plans for the weekend.
Not only am I planning to go shopping with my gf (primairly for bras), but I also have the oppurtnity to present as female in semi-public for the first time.
That would also mean coming out to quite a few people.
I really want to do these things, but I'm also really scared.
Hold out and meanwhile look for other ways to reduce your dysphoria.
Not only am I planning to go shopping with my gf (primairly for bras), but I also have the oppurtnity to present as female in semi-public for the first time.
That would also mean coming out to quite a few people.
I really want to do these things, but I'm also really scared.
Hrt takes while before the changes take effect, but it's also mircale cure.
Hold out and meanwhile look for other ways to reduce your dysphoria.
Hold out for what exactly? Its been 3 - 4 years. HRT is done with anything major. And that's not meant to be snarky or anything. I genuinely don't know what I should be hoping for that will somehow fix this
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There's a lot more to passing than just hormones. Hormones will do the subtle changes that'll push you over the edge, but there's also hair style, clothing, skin care, body language, etc that'll make one pass too. I didn't really feel like I passed until I got bangs and stuff, as it complimented my appearance and made me look super feminine. Even then, it still took people correctly gendering me as a women by accident to realize that I passed.
Ketkat, is there anything specifically you don't like about your appearance? Anything you absolutely know is a cause of dysphoria for you?
Ketkat, is there anything specifically you don't like about your appearance? Anything you absolutely know is a cause of dysphoria for you?
Specifically, pretty much everything. Size of my head, sunken in eyes, nose too big, hairline sucks, broad shoulders, bigger ribcage, height, big hands/feet, and so many others. I don't think there's one thing about myself that I like.
I used to feel that way but increasingly I've found that I just don't care anymore. Life has made me bitter and hateful to the point that I don't feel guilty at all for being an emotional vampire anymore. I'm done pretending to be happy for the sake of other people's comfort.
Are you me?
I'm sure that they're common feelings among trans people since it comes from dysphoria, and I've definitely had them before. But I dealt with them before with the hope that HRT would help push things in the right direction, and I just don't feel that it really has.
Hmm... a lot of those are little adjustments you can make. You can change the appearance of the size of your head by changing your hairstyle (get a style that draws attention to your facial features, rather than size), and proper use of skin care can help with your eyes and stuff. Or do what I do and wear glasses, which make my eyes pop. >_>
Not much you can do about a bigger rib-cage, but while you can't change your height, you can totally own it. I'm 6'1" myself, but I totally end up passing because I simply wear clothes that draw attention to my legs and make them look good. How tall are you?
Um, what? They aren't little adjustments, most of them are completely unchangeable things that scream man when seen in combination with each other. I can't change hairline, which affects what hairstyles I can have, for one. Shoulders, ribcage, height, hands/feet, facial structure in general, those things can't be changed. And drawing attention to my facial features, which I don't like, doesn't really fix the issue. It just exacerbates different ones while I'll still be fully aware of the size of my head.
Skin care isn't going to help the structure of my skull that has my eyes more sunken in either. These are all things that just happen when you go through a male puberty until you're 21/22. And for some people its not as prominent and they get lucky, but it definitely feels prominent to me and that I got pretty much all of it. And my height is around 6'0.
I feel you. Too often a lot of practical advice from people with passing privilege can fall quite flat, because while cosmetics, hair, and clothing can help a little bit, passing is about 95% bone structure (the other 5% being voice). People don't like to admit this as its uncomfortable to know how little control you have over your own outcome, but simply put you're either fortunate enough to have a bone structure that can pass as andro or fem or you aren't, Its really that simple.
I would suggest looking into getting on a really strong cocktail of anti-depressants to see if that can help numb the dysphoria a bit. There's also general escapism things you can do to try and distract yourself (i don't keep any mirrors in my apartment and I cover all reflective surfaces, I also never leave my place unless its for work, school, or food.) As you said, there's no surgery to correct a masculine bone structure, so you just have to learn to deal with it. It sucks, but that's being Trans, shit just sucks all the time.
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Anti-depressants would probably help me out, yeah. But I don't have any income and I don't have health insurance. So that's not happening for a bit. And personally, I'm tired of escapism. I'm tired of just running from my problems, so I'm trying to face them head on. I know I'm just being difficult here by saying that none of it is fixable, but I feel like I have to get everything out there in order to get the advice I need. And while I probably do need to learn to just deal with it. I'm not sure how to get to that point
Georgia,USA. Its a real "fun" place to be trans that's for sure
How long have you been on? I've been on for two years and change and I feel like I have my ups and downs with dysphoria / passing anxiety. At the start I was really worried about not passing and looking visibly trans but these days, I DON'T think I pass at all, but I actually like the way I look in many ways? Problematic, but when first starting out I'd look at typical "after" pictures and have panic attacks, but these days I've grown pretty comfortable with the idea of not passing. Never expected that. I don't think I look cis but I don't know, I found a place where I'm comfortable. I have a ton of body image problems but they mostly stem from being overweight. I still have feelings like "my shoulders are too wide, my feet are too big" but they're mostly nagging feelings and don't crush me as much as they used to. I'm a big believer in things like good makeup routines, smart clothing choices, etc. Which isn't to say I even wear makeup every day, but when I do knowing which choices are good for me, etc. Also this is an "easier said than done" but actually interacting with other LGBT, especially other transpeople/nb's and creating a real friend group on and off the internet helped immensely. I'm also living in New England in a progressive area, so I'm very lucky in that regard.
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I'm 3 - 4 years into it, which makes me feel like I should definitely have all of this sorted out by now. Just going off the picture you posted on this page, I'd say you pass. But even if you feel you don't, was presenting what pushed you into making it seem less crushing? I'm in a pretty shit environment, so how I can present is pretty limited. The little I've been able to do just makes me feel out of place when doing it, like I just look odd, but maybe that's just me not being used to it?
I was in a similar boat and was on HRT for 3 years and didn't see many changes. It wasn't till I switched up my meds and went on Lupron that I actually started to really see significant changes. Lupron lowered my T to near zero, since I always had higher levels (180-240) and that made all the difference for me. Don't forget that even cis women have male traits as well and the trick is learning to balance out yours with the rights styes and cosmetics as Robin also pointed out. Confidence plays a big role too and you have to own yourself.
I know a few trans women that match the traits you say you have and pass more often than not due to the things I mentioned above. Maybe you could ask some of the more make up savy women in here for tips or hair styles.
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