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The Pressure of Finding Love as a Young Adult is Hard
- Thread starter Star-Lord
- Start date
Genuine, healthy relationships are never forced. They also seemingly come out of nowhere when you most need them as well. Be true to yourself, focus on making healthy choices, and browse lightly with no expectations and the right person will eventually fall into your lap.
24-25 is SO young. I'm 31 and I feel like just now I found someone who is right for me. It can take a long ass time.
24-25 is SO young. I'm 31 and I feel like just now I found someone who is right for me. It can take a long ass time.
Yup which can be disingenuous, and the desperation can also be obvious to the other person.
I think the problem is using online dating as a be and end all. People used to go to dances, meet at work and through hobbies a lot more etc. The in person stuff was already going down and is no now non existent thanks to Covid so if you don't have a mixed sex friendship group you're really going to struggle.
I met my SO at work when I was 27 and was fortunate to be in the right place in the right time with her after being basically out of the game since I was 18 for various reasons. But it still happened as a result of me opening up and being friendlier at work. You're still young enough to organise your life where even if you strike out with online dating you could have opportunities to meet people organically.
I met my SO at work when I was 27 and was fortunate to be in the right place in the right time with her after being basically out of the game since I was 18 for various reasons. But it still happened as a result of me opening up and being friendlier at work. You're still young enough to organise your life where even if you strike out with online dating you could have opportunities to meet people organically.
That's, frankly, nonsense at best, dangerous at worst. Tying your happiness to being in a relationship is only going to make your desperation and lack of self esteem worse (which will hurt how you interact with women), and once you're in a relationship, it will put unrealistic pressure in your partner (which will hurt the relationship).
Life isn't a race to find your SO. I started dating my current SO at 29 and we've been together for 14 years. My best friend started dating his current wife in his late 30s and they're incredibly happy (it was her second marriage). Some of my 40+ friends are single. Find your self-worth and balance first of all; men and women are attracted to men and women that are balanced, self-reliant individuals that treat them like human beings, not like eligible bachelor(ette)s.
Just read on a site that the average age that men in Canada get married is 29 so at 24, you're still ahead of the game.
My wife taught me about the "Aragorn effect" which is basically that a lot of young people are looking for the dating equivalent of the legendary hero of Gondor from LotR. And at some point, as people learn about themselves and others, they realize that the impossibly perfect person doesn't exist (and if they did, they probably wouldn't want to date them) and they mature and start looking for a more grounded, yet perfect person for them.
The other advice I can offer is that like attracts like. If there's a quality that you're looking for in a significant other that you don't already possess, you should try to develop that quality in yourself.
Oh and I got married when I was 26. Been married for over a dozen years now with 6 kids.
My wife taught me about the "Aragorn effect" which is basically that a lot of young people are looking for the dating equivalent of the legendary hero of Gondor from LotR. And at some point, as people learn about themselves and others, they realize that the impossibly perfect person doesn't exist (and if they did, they probably wouldn't want to date them) and they mature and start looking for a more grounded, yet perfect person for them.
The other advice I can offer is that like attracts like. If there's a quality that you're looking for in a significant other that you don't already possess, you should try to develop that quality in yourself.
Oh and I got married when I was 26. Been married for over a dozen years now with 6 kids.
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I don't see why you couldn't try and find a relationship? try these subreddits, they're a good starting point for you to find somebody.
Reddit - Dive into anything
www.reddit.com
Reddit - Dive into anything
www.reddit.com
Same here. Early 30s, been single for close to five years. Just haven't had any luck in the search for a life partner yet. COVID certainly hasn't helped.
As another old person, I wish that I stayed single in my late teens and 20s. Like Platocplx, it took me being single in my later twenties to really figure out who I was and I regretted being in serial relationships early in my 20s... none of which were particularly good relationships. The pressure is hard, but it's not a pressure that is attached to reality. I kept thinking like ... "Well if I don't have a girlfiend at the end of college I'll *never* find anyone, it's impossible to find anyone after college..." And shit, but that's totally crazy thinking, even though it's really common in college. Now I thank god that relationship ended because in my late 30s I know as many people who are divorced who got married to their college or early 20s sweetheart, and who knows, that probably woulda been me.
I wont say it gets easier or that yu'll find someone, lord knows Ive been on and off of dating sites for the last 4 years and it feels like Im always going to be there but I will say you need to get out of the rut of convincing yourself you need someone. The one and only focus should be yourself.
Its okay to focus on your own friends, career and aspirations cause dating(Especially apps) will inevitably cut down your self asteem the longer you dable in it.
Personally I find dating apps exhausting as most interactions I have feel like I pretty much have to do the heavy lifting in most scenarios (get someone to talk/ bring the conversation/keep texting if you dont she most likely wont / suggest a date/ prepare for the date whether its reservations or prep travelling if its long distance/ Prepare for the likely on the day cancel/modulate the conversation direction based on subtle hints) and I usually just stay on the app for 3-5 months at a time before taking a break so if your getting to the point where the pressure is getting to you, take a break.
Its okay to focus on your own friends, career and aspirations cause dating(Especially apps) will inevitably cut down your self asteem the longer you dable in it.
Personally I find dating apps exhausting as most interactions I have feel like I pretty much have to do the heavy lifting in most scenarios (get someone to talk/ bring the conversation/keep texting if you dont she most likely wont / suggest a date/ prepare for the date whether its reservations or prep travelling if its long distance/ Prepare for the likely on the day cancel/modulate the conversation direction based on subtle hints) and I usually just stay on the app for 3-5 months at a time before taking a break so if your getting to the point where the pressure is getting to you, take a break.
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I used to have that pressure, especially when I was a teenager. These days, I'm fine being single.
Love will come when you less expect it.
Love will come when you less expect it.
Mid 30s and never met someone. Kind of given up at this point since I probably won't live much longer with the health issues I have.
What a load of shit.
What a load of shit.
Hey, some still have hope...
That said, I'm close to my 30s and have never dated anyone. So yeah, that 'advice' might (most likely) be a load of bullshit.
I didn't meet my wife until I was 25, and we didn't even start dating until I was 30. We just got married this year, when I was 35. Everyone moves at different paces, and there is nothing wrong (or right) about doing so.
Keep at it, and good luck out there. Met my wife when we were 16/17 and now we're 28/29 - married last year.
WOULD wish this on literally anyone.
WOULD wish this on literally anyone.
Don't feel too bad. It's genuinely really hard to meet new people once you're out of school. If you don't click with anyone in your friend circle or at work, there aren't any other avenues for meeting new people unless you make them yourself.
It's not really applicable because of covid right now, but try to find communities to meet up with regularly. It could be any hobby you like, such as a sport, or crafting, or board games or something. Anything that gets you to meet people with common interests. That's one way of meeting new people outside of things like bars or dating apps. And even if you don't find anyone romantically, you at least know some more people with common interests.
Don't feel too bad about your age. I met my wife when I was around 27. She was the first person I had dated and until I met her, I had basically given up on relationships because.
It's not really applicable because of covid right now, but try to find communities to meet up with regularly. It could be any hobby you like, such as a sport, or crafting, or board games or something. Anything that gets you to meet people with common interests. That's one way of meeting new people outside of things like bars or dating apps. And even if you don't find anyone romantically, you at least know some more people with common interests.
Don't feel too bad about your age. I met my wife when I was around 27. She was the first person I had dated and until I met her, I had basically given up on relationships because.
Haha, believe me, at 24 you're a baby.
Relax, you have all the time in the world, now is a fucked up time for everyone but It'll get better.
Relax, you have all the time in the world, now is a fucked up time for everyone but It'll get better.
Not gonna lie, the only reason I want somebody right now is because I can't talk to my family about nothing except "what's the weather today". Friends and coworkers help of course but they have their own lifes going on. Still can't decide if I'm being selfish or not. Other than that, I often work 10 hours a day and feel to tried to go on a drink or something, so I feel you OP.
If you marry your high school sweetheart, you're missing out on the chance to learn about yourself and explore many potential relationships during the "easy" times to have them - college and post college (pre 30s). That's typically when folks have the largest, most active friend circles, so it's easier to meet and get to know lots of people.
Once you hit 30, your friends start coupling off, and get busy with kids and their career. It's not the end of the world, but it does start to get more difficult as you get older.
OP
OP
Thanks for sharing and that's true things work out in mysterious ways
Don't stress about it too much. Five years ago I thought I'd be forever alone - limited to non-existent success with women, barely put any effort into trying to date people. Then a little over 3 years ago I found my current gf, moved in with her a few months after dating her, and have lived with her since.
36 here and never even kissed a girl much less been in a sexual relationship with one until this year. Now we're 8 months of dating and couldn't be happier.
i feel you
was in a relationship off and on for 4ish years and when that finally ended, i spent the last 2 years just focused on myself and loving myself as much as possible through my mental health recovery.
i only recently started dating again after meeting someone who kinda turned my life upside down unexpectedly. we're now in a relationship but it feels like i'm rediscovering what it means to date/love someone all over again like im doing it for the first time. its all weird.
i still strongly believe loving yourself is the first step towards being able to love someone else wholeheartedly though.
was in a relationship off and on for 4ish years and when that finally ended, i spent the last 2 years just focused on myself and loving myself as much as possible through my mental health recovery.
i only recently started dating again after meeting someone who kinda turned my life upside down unexpectedly. we're now in a relationship but it feels like i'm rediscovering what it means to date/love someone all over again like im doing it for the first time. its all weird.
i still strongly believe loving yourself is the first step towards being able to love someone else wholeheartedly though.
I'm 28 and divorced for a couple years now. I think dating is definitely harder when older. I didn't have many issues when I was younger but as an adult I've had negative luck and only bad experiences so far after getting out of my marriatge. A couple years without a match on those dating apps definitely is painful to the self esteem, especially after getting out of a marriage where I was unloved for years and years. You have to learn to relive your life without passion which is definitely weird. You just gotta re-focus that into other areas, for me it was politics.
I think it's healthier to just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. Focusing on it just makes you feel like a failure. There's really nothing you can do about being alone and failing to find love right? You can't force somebody to care about or love you. It may be an unsolvable problem, or something that is only fixed by time. We'll never know until it happens or we die.
I think it's healthier to just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. Focusing on it just makes you feel like a failure. There's really nothing you can do about being alone and failing to find love right? You can't force somebody to care about or love you. It may be an unsolvable problem, or something that is only fixed by time. We'll never know until it happens or we die.
If they felt like they were ready for marriage then let them get married. You can learn a lot about yourself in a relationship too lol.
You are still young and have plenty of life experiences ahead.
I'm in my 30s and I think only now I have met my significant other so don't worry about finding Love within a certain frame. It will come and honestly get off Social Media, it just doesn't help when you are feeling down.
PM me if you want someone to talk to :-)
Enjoy your youth because it's fragile and fleeting.
Honestly dating isn't more difficult or easy as a general rule. People say two things that are quite false - you can't make friends easily after university/when you get older and dating is harder. Both are incorrrect and pointless generalisations. This depends entirely on the individual. If one is not open to new experiences, aren't willing to give it time, if one is closed out, if one is insecure, if one is socially anxious, if one is extremely reserved, if one is are afraid to branch out and meet new people - then yes they are both hard.
The truth is this, it is better to focus your youth on becoming a better person, on overcoming your insecurities, on trying to build something for oneself and growing as a person. Make mistakes, fall in love, fall out of love, travel solo, travel with friends, explore a hidden part of yourself, change careers, try something new, get out of your shell. This is the time to do all of that. As you get older, the appetite for risk for most people diminishes for varying reasons. Generally people become risk averse, their bodies slow down a bit, and it's more about consolidation. But by this point you should try and gain a wealth of experience in life that when you meet someone you are pretty much the best version of yourself. The funny thing is when you're so focused on this without closing yourself out to people - you will meet the right person for yourself.
You're 24. You're a year shy of what one might consider the point of full development for your brain. You are likely to meet people who match your priority right now. There is no guarantee that this person you meet will be the right person for you for your lifetime, but they match your priority now. Take it for what it is, something that you can enjoy for now and live in the moment. The person you are today is not the same as the person you will become tomorrow - especially if you try to be a better version of yourself. You will evolve and they will evolve and the chances of both of you evolving in the same way aren't that high - but guess what? People settle and give up on things and dreams and that's okay too but it isn't for everyone.
There is no age to finding love, you can find love at any age. My friend's grandfather found love at 80 after 3 decades of solitude. I've known many people who have met their partners between the ages of 30 and 50 and have had more solid relationships because they are established and found themselves. Mind you, this isn't everyone because age isn't a maturity indicator and neither does it indicate accomplishments - but when you are established and worked on yourself then you'll find that you are more attractive to people and find yourself in a healthier relationship too. This doesn't mean you can't find it when you're younger but a healthy last relationship where you are more of an individual and not a dual is harder when you're younger for people who are independent or want to be independent without concessions and when you're younger you are more likely to concede on things that are important to you as you don't really know yourself all that well.
General things that work in your favour that most people already know:
Take time to get to know yourself thoroughly and be someone who's happy in their own skin
Work on your insecurities and don't put a band-aid on them, but process a healing strategy.
Build a healthy network of friends and cut off the unhealthy ones.
Find a part to feeling accomplished. For some it's being established for others it's something else. This helps build self-confidence without being arrogant.
Also remember it isn't a race. Everyone has their own pace in life, so don't feel pressured.
Honestly dating isn't more difficult or easy as a general rule. People say two things that are quite false - you can't make friends easily after university/when you get older and dating is harder. Both are incorrrect and pointless generalisations. This depends entirely on the individual. If one is not open to new experiences, aren't willing to give it time, if one is closed out, if one is insecure, if one is socially anxious, if one is extremely reserved, if one is are afraid to branch out and meet new people - then yes they are both hard.
The truth is this, it is better to focus your youth on becoming a better person, on overcoming your insecurities, on trying to build something for oneself and growing as a person. Make mistakes, fall in love, fall out of love, travel solo, travel with friends, explore a hidden part of yourself, change careers, try something new, get out of your shell. This is the time to do all of that. As you get older, the appetite for risk for most people diminishes for varying reasons. Generally people become risk averse, their bodies slow down a bit, and it's more about consolidation. But by this point you should try and gain a wealth of experience in life that when you meet someone you are pretty much the best version of yourself. The funny thing is when you're so focused on this without closing yourself out to people - you will meet the right person for yourself.
You're 24. You're a year shy of what one might consider the point of full development for your brain. You are likely to meet people who match your priority right now. There is no guarantee that this person you meet will be the right person for you for your lifetime, but they match your priority now. Take it for what it is, something that you can enjoy for now and live in the moment. The person you are today is not the same as the person you will become tomorrow - especially if you try to be a better version of yourself. You will evolve and they will evolve and the chances of both of you evolving in the same way aren't that high - but guess what? People settle and give up on things and dreams and that's okay too but it isn't for everyone.
There is no age to finding love, you can find love at any age. My friend's grandfather found love at 80 after 3 decades of solitude. I've known many people who have met their partners between the ages of 30 and 50 and have had more solid relationships because they are established and found themselves. Mind you, this isn't everyone because age isn't a maturity indicator and neither does it indicate accomplishments - but when you are established and worked on yourself then you'll find that you are more attractive to people and find yourself in a healthier relationship too. This doesn't mean you can't find it when you're younger but a healthy last relationship where you are more of an individual and not a dual is harder when you're younger for people who are independent or want to be independent without concessions and when you're younger you are more likely to concede on things that are important to you as you don't really know yourself all that well.
General things that work in your favour that most people already know:
Take time to get to know yourself thoroughly and be someone who's happy in their own skin
Work on your insecurities and don't put a band-aid on them, but process a healing strategy.
Build a healthy network of friends and cut off the unhealthy ones.
Find a part to feeling accomplished. For some it's being established for others it's something else. This helps build self-confidence without being arrogant.
Also remember it isn't a race. Everyone has their own pace in life, so don't feel pressured.
I stayed in a hotel this weekend with —almost inexplicably! — a copy of the Little Prince next to the bed. I've read it a handful of times, but always find something new in it. Its still so good.
The titular Prince loves his Rose, which on his home planet is one of a kind flower. Then on Earth he finds a whole field of roses, rendering the idea of a "rose" more common than what he had held in his heart. Of course this leaves him crestfallen.
A fox, of all things, explains to him that it is the time and love he gave his Rose that made it special, and the feeling in his heart when he thinks of his Rose is the only real difference that matters. She is one-of-a-kind, to him.
I write all of this to say that love is not a scarce thing we only find once. It is a thing we all find out in the world, as often as we stumble upon it, and when it calls to us we are given the option to nurture it, like gardeners, or to leave it to fend for itself. (This metaphor extends to all different types of love and relationships — like friendships and family — not purely romantic ones.)
Your comment sort of hit me in the feels, and I figured I could pass this blip of optimism along. If you've lost it once, you'll find it again.
Finding your SO is one of those "you don't find them, they find you" kind of situation, for the most part you rarely find them when you actively seek them, they just seem to find you at a certain point in your life when everything falls in place (at least that's what happened in my case).
This is a beautiful post that brought me to tears so thank you.
That's how my wife and I figured our journey was. My wife is gay so we didn't really have a chance, but the love between us helped each of us grow in new ways. We also have a kid from it so our continued love for each other is important for us to foster so our daughter can feel it coming from all ways. We can't romantically love each other but she's still my partner. My soul grew in new ways that only she could have helped opened up, she'll forever be a part of me even if the romance is dead.
I have love for all things, since I can't focus it in romantically with anybody I try to spread my love to people in other ways. Which is why politics help, I just want people to be happy even if I struggle with it.
I turned 37 last month and I've been single all my life. Being short, not good looking or having a fantastic personality is just the most unlucky thing in the dating world. Women will just ignore you because you are not above 180cm, rich and look like some those handsome guys in the movies or commercials.
Women around the same height will ignore me when their dating profile states they don't want to date short guys 🤷‍♂️
So it's just impossible for short guys to get a date around here
Women around the same height will ignore me when their dating profile states they don't want to date short guys 🤷‍♂️
So it's just impossible for short guys to get a date around here
When my mother tells me that why I don't get married I always retort 'why? I thought you wanted me to be happy'.
I've come to terms that relationships are not for me. I'm just very impatient with people. And that's okay. It took me a few years to realize that so don't feel the rush to do so.
I've come to terms that relationships are not for me. I'm just very impatient with people. And that's okay. It took me a few years to realize that so don't feel the rush to do so.
Don't worry, you will get there. Finding a partner for some is more challenging than for the others, like pretty much everything in life. Enjoy your time being single, marriage is not exactly all roses either. And if you suck at posing, pay a professional photographer for some photos. First impressions matter. I managed without it, but if I were doing it all over again, I wouldn't hesitate. Life is too short to be proud - if you're bad at something, get help.
Once you get the new Xbox and ps5 you won't even think about it.
Jk of course but you're extremely young and got the whole world in your hands in terms of possibilities. You could meet someone tomorrow for all you know. Don't let it stress you out, Covid will be over you'll be in love with someone and you'll have a great ass future.
Plus on top of all that you have a cute ass dog who loves you right now.
Jk of course but you're extremely young and got the whole world in your hands in terms of possibilities. You could meet someone tomorrow for all you know. Don't let it stress you out, Covid will be over you'll be in love with someone and you'll have a great ass future.
Plus on top of all that you have a cute ass dog who loves you right now.
Hey OP,
thank you for making this thread. I've been feeling the same way, with 27, after a legendary bad luck with relationships and several failed crushes and missed opportunities along the way. Right now I'm trying to remain positive in that regard because a lot of good things are happening in my life and it seems kind of stupid to miss something I've never really had besides some affaires here and there. But yep... I feel you. The 20´s seem to have a thing on making one feel like time's running ourt; and in my case, I don't really know if sharing a life is really my thing, but damn, I feel like I've been deprived of even trying. Also I need to get a fuck ASAP hahaha
So yep, let's keep the goddam faith
thank you for making this thread. I've been feeling the same way, with 27, after a legendary bad luck with relationships and several failed crushes and missed opportunities along the way. Right now I'm trying to remain positive in that regard because a lot of good things are happening in my life and it seems kind of stupid to miss something I've never really had besides some affaires here and there. But yep... I feel you. The 20´s seem to have a thing on making one feel like time's running ourt; and in my case, I don't really know if sharing a life is really my thing, but damn, I feel like I've been deprived of even trying. Also I need to get a fuck ASAP hahaha
So yep, let's keep the goddam faith
Met my SO when I was 27 and she was 30. Didn't get married until I was 31 and she was 34. You got a loooooooot of time (on both her timeline and mine lol). Also fun fact is that my SO said she would have rejected me if I had texted her to go out after we had been introduced by friends because she wasn't really in the mood for dating but since I actually called her she was like "eh, that's nice, why not." Make sure you are putting in some genuine effort, don't throw in the towel yet.
Late 20s as a guy in NYC is weird, especially if you want to date seriously and have things figured out re: career and housing. I feel like a lot of people of either gender at my age or younger are still in the "fun"/"casual" phase of their lives, which is great, but not for me. Granted, I was in a serious relationship ages 22-25 so I know there's people out there.
Some people are just meant to die alone. Maybe you're one of them.
I'm 30 and i'm done with pretending that i'll ever be good enough for anyone. The last few years have taught me what a fucking lie that was.
I'm 30 and i'm done with pretending that i'll ever be good enough for anyone. The last few years have taught me what a fucking lie that was.
Are you heterosexual OP? Men don't peak until their mid 30s, my man.
Mid twenties is nothing. Most dudes are not super successful at dating in their mid twenties. You're a goober basically lol.
Work on your career, fitness, interesting hobbies (geeky hobbies aren't bad, but they don't interest most people and people bond on shared interests) build a great life.You will be much more attractive to the opposite sex.
In the meantime, have fun. Don't put too much pressure on dating. It's easier that way. Forget all this soulmate stuff you got from TV/Movies/Media. It's BS.
Read Models by Mark Mason. It will change your dating life.
Mid twenties is nothing. Most dudes are not super successful at dating in their mid twenties. You're a goober basically lol.
Work on your career, fitness, interesting hobbies (geeky hobbies aren't bad, but they don't interest most people and people bond on shared interests) build a great life.You will be much more attractive to the opposite sex.
In the meantime, have fun. Don't put too much pressure on dating. It's easier that way. Forget all this soulmate stuff you got from TV/Movies/Media. It's BS.
Read Models by Mark Mason. It will change your dating life.
OP
OP
Ill read the book thanks man!
I also love modern romance by aziz ansari
