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Talking to my boss about my mental health

ExhaustedWalrus

ExhaustedWalrus

Member
Oct 28, 2017
5,849
I have long been afraid of telling any boss I've had about my struggle with depression and anxiety. They can cause me to seem withdrawn, quiet, even mad. But I am worried that when I feel this way at work, that others will think I'm ignoring them. The truth is, I am always struggling mentally when I am at work, and it's entirely my fault. I have slowly come to realize this, and I am really trying to make a change. I tell myself that people think certain things when I have no evidence that they do, or I assume I am always going to be fired or ignored. But I am beginning to realize that is not the case, and I am having trouble realizing that others have a lot of shit on their mind. They're not ignoring me, they're just stressed.

I really want to talk to my boss about how I go through these moods. I want him to understand more about me. But like many I am nervous about how he may perceive me afterwards. I don't expect anyone here to know what he'll say or how he'll react, but want advice on if you had to do the same. I am not asking for time off or pity, I just feel like I owe him an explanation for why I seem nervous and down a lot of the time.
 

Deleted member 11413

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Oct 27, 2017
22,961
I would be very careful, employers have been known to hold this kind of thing against employees.
 
Maxim726x

Maxim726x

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
13,050
Don't do it.

Even if you believe this may be understood, it will be used against you if you verbalize it and confirm it.
 
Mammoth Jones

Mammoth Jones

Member
Oct 25, 2017
12,296
New York
That's a really tough one. On one hand you may find someone that can understand that you don't mean to appear angry but it could also easily backfire.

But you know your boss better than I do so if they appear to be a decent person maybe let em know you.

Also: Never tell a coworker anything you don't want the entire office/job to know about.
 
zoboomafoo

zoboomafoo

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
213
Yeah I would not recommend doing it. If there are things that would help your mental health, ask for them, but I would not directly mention your depression/anxiety/etc. to a boss.
 
bluexy

bluexy

Comics Enabler & Freelance Games Journalist
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Oct 25, 2017
14,510
Unless you are prepared for the possibility of being fired, no, this would be a very risky decision. I speak through personal experience that has worked out poorly.
 
DJ_Lae

DJ_Lae

Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,858
Edmonton
Has it come up before? Is your company large enough to have a confidential abilities management team (or something similar)?

Otherwise I would not bring it up with your boss directly, as it will end up being a liability.
 
xxracerxx

xxracerxx

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
31,222
Yeah, be careful with this especially since you are a contractor. I would suggest not doing it.
 
HStallion

HStallion

Member
Oct 25, 2017
62,261
I would say this is risky unless you're like absolutely sure of your boss and even then HR and other parts of the company could easily override them. I'm on the spectrum and I rarely if ever tell any of my superiors about it because I don't want to risk that being used against me even if I do the job I'm assigned with no issues.
 
FinalFanXtreme

FinalFanXtreme

Banned
Oct 30, 2017
565
I announced it at work. I've had two bosses. Boss A - used it against me. Told me "he didn't understand it" and had zero sympathy.
Boss B - said he has a family member with extreme anxiety and can relate to me about my issues. And he actually works with me more.
If Boss A didn't get promoted I may have quit.
 
Dylan

Dylan

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,260
Instead of focusing on your mental health, depending on your relationship with your boss, it may be worth going for a beer or coffee with them some time after work and just allowing them to get to know you better as a whole person instead of focusing on the specific problems you mentioned.
 

Deleted member 13798

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
12,374
Lord of Ostia said:
I would be very careful, employers have been known to hold this kind of thing against employees.
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Yep. They can put it in writing, both formally and informally. They may even make it part of an employee improvement plan if they see any impact on your work. This is from experience, from accidentally saying nothing more than "things are hard right now" when questioned after having a difficult month at work. Got written up. Employers are not your friends, don't expect them to understand.

Consult with HR if anything.
 
OP
OP
ExhaustedWalrus

ExhaustedWalrus

Member
Oct 28, 2017
5,849
Welp, never mind. So I guess I will ask this: how do you deal with depression/anxiety at work when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk to people/think they're mad at you or don't like you/just overall paranoid depressive thoughts?
 
Foffy

Foffy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,376
In the world we've made here, telling your boss about your health in any capacity is a cause of concern. It is more likely to be used against you instead of being known to better aid you.

If any company can determine a weakness or asterisk they can add to your name as a "problem" they will use it against you. Don't share anything.
 

Jazzman

Member
Oct 25, 2017
161
Depressing to read everyone's responses assuming you all work for awful employers when it comes to mental health.
 
xxracerxx

xxracerxx

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
31,222
ExhaustedWalrus said:
Welp, never mind. So I guess I will ask this: how do you deal with depression/anxiety at work when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk to people/think they're mad at you or don't like you/just overall paranoid depressive thoughts?
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Keep a little note on you that says something like this:
ExhaustedWalrus said:
But I am beginning to realize that is not the case, and I am having trouble realizing that others have a lot of shit on their mind. They're not ignoring me, they're just stressed.
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Jazzman said:
Depressing to read everyone's responses assuming you all work for awful employers when it comes to mental health.
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The poster is a contract worker and has only been on the job for a year and change.
 
Musubi

Musubi

Unshakable Resolve - Prophet of Truth
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
23,611
Its shit that people have to be so secretive about this kind of stuff. Mental health stigma needs to go the fuck away.
 
TransEuropaExpress

TransEuropaExpress

Member
Dec 6, 2017
10,986
US
Especially if this is an American work environment, I would strongly advise against that. Unless you work in some mom & pop type environment and really know your boss and/or coworkers, I wouldn't ever divulge shit about my personal life, especially anything that can be construed as a 'weakness' and held against you be it officially or in terms of gossiping and mental warfare.
 
Everybody Lies

Everybody Lies

Member
Oct 28, 2017
6,207
ExhaustedWalrus said:
Welp, never mind. So I guess I will ask this: how do you deal with depression/anxiety at work when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk to people/think they're mad at you or don't like you/just overall paranoid depressive thoughts?
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Pretend everything is fine and always remain professional. Seek therapy away from the workplace and see if they can't suggest some coping mechanisms to get you through.

Jazzman said:
Depressing to read everyone's responses assuming you all work for awful employers when it comes to mental health.
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It's a big country. There are a lot of them out there.
 
Shadybiz

Shadybiz

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,105
Tuck that idea way down deep, and don't let it come out in the office.

It sucks, but that's the way it is, at least here in the US.
 
totowhoa

totowhoa

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,222
As a boss, I'm always really appreciative when people do this and try to give them resources and check in with them on occasion to make sure they're doing well. It just depends on what kind of boss you have - you know better than anybody else in this thread.
 
DonNadie

DonNadie

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
880
Nope, don't do it. This could be and will be used against you. And depending of what your job is( like If you work in a hazardous environment) it's totally legal to put you on Leave until you get "better".
 
terrible

terrible

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,294
Toronto
Jazzman said:
Depressing to read everyone's responses assuming you all work for awful employers when it comes to mental health.
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It's just reality unfortunately. I was once fired for having to take time off due to anxiety attacks I was having as a result of having to take care of my dying mother. Best part is my boss had an anxiety disorder himself and he still fired me under those circumstances. Had I simply lied and asked for vacation time I would've been fine probably. Bosses give absolutely no fucks about you sometimes.
 
Jogi

Jogi

Prophet of Regret
Member
Jul 4, 2018
5,445
yeah dont do that. If anyone, talk to your HR person. Hopefully your handbook also provides resources for this very thing.
 
Kunka Kid

Kunka Kid

Member
Oct 27, 2017
3,020
Fury451 said:
Yep. They can put it in writing, both formally and informally. They may even make it part of an employee improvement plan if they see any impact on your work. This is from experience, from accidentally saying nothing more than "things are hard right now" when questioned after having a difficult month at work. Got written up. Employers are not your friends, don't expect them to understand.

Consult with HR if anything.
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Jesus, that's brutal.
 

Deleted member 18502

User requested account closure
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Oct 27, 2017
1,562
Career suicide, don't talk to HR either. HR is concerned with avoiding lawsuits or union negotiations, that's it.
 

Deleted member 13101

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Oct 27, 2017
17,973
If you have a health plan at work that includes wellness hotlines and such you can see if they have consultations as part of your plan benefits, that you can use outside the office.

But telling co-workers or bosses it's your fault when it's not, is not something you should feel like you have to give up or give in to. I hope you do get to talk to someone qualified to address your concerns before too long.

You may be the walrus, but you are not the villain.
 
tangeu

tangeu

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,224
HR is probably more dangerous to talk to than your boss, general policy is treat HR like cops, never talk to them more than absolutely required..they WILL use it against you.
 
kamineko

kamineko

Linked the Fire
Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,491
Accardi-by-the-Sea
I absolutely would not unless you get into trouble and it's the only & last thing you can say, there's a lot of stigma out there

employees assistance stuff is different & ok imo
 

onadesertedisland

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,660
terrible said:
It's just reality unfortunately. I was once fired for having to take time off due to anxiety attacks I was having as a result of having to take care of my dying mother. Best part is my boss had an anxiety disorder himself and he still fired me under those circumstances. Had I simply lied and asked for vacation time I would've been fine probably. Bosses give absolutely no fucks about you sometimes.
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In most cases, bosses only care about their own paycheck or bonus. Threaten one of those, and you're not even a human to them, just something in the way of getting money.
 

Deleted member 36086

User requested account closure
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Dec 13, 2017
897
User Banned (Permanent): Stigmatizing mental health. Prior severe infractions.
Musubi said:
Its shit that people have to be so secretive about this kind of stuff. Mental health stigma needs to go the fuck away.
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I'm an employer and in my line of work, if an employee told me that, I'd fire him. Keeping him on is just an accident and lawsuit waiting to happen.
 
Musubi

Musubi

Unshakable Resolve - Prophet of Truth
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tommyz2kool said:
I'm an employer and in my line of work, if an employee told me that, I'd fire him. Keeping him on is just an accident and lawsuit waiting to happen.
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Which is shit. We shouldn't treat people like machines and cast them aside the moment we think they are faulty.
 

Deleted member 11413

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Oct 27, 2017
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ExhaustedWalrus said:
Welp, never mind. So I guess I will ask this: how do you deal with depression/anxiety at work when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk to people/think they're mad at you or don't like you/just overall paranoid depressive thoughts?
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My advice? Start seeing a therapist regularly, specifically one who specializes in CBT. They will teach you techniques to manage intrusive thoughts, anxiety, paranoia, and catastrophozing.
 
Lakeside

Lakeside

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Oct 25, 2017
9,213
Jazzman said:
Depressing to read everyone's responses assuming you all work for awful employers when it comes to mental health.
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I know people that won't treat their mental illness because they can't take appropriate meds for fear of losing their clearances and jobs. They are just suffering through and hoping to make it to retirement.
 
Megawarrior

Megawarrior

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,355
Use the wellness hotline that comes with your employers insurance if that is a thing where you work. Mine has that and even offers free counseling sessions as well. Do NOT disclose any of that to your boss or co workers under any circumstances. They can and absolutely WILL use that against you.
 
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