The Navy's Probe Into Sky Penis
"Aircrew maneuvered an EA-18G aircraft in a pattern that resulted in contrails depicting an obscene symbol when viewed from the ground," it warned. "Media attention is expected."
The EWO broached it first, according to the investigation.
"My initial reaction was no, bad," the pilot wrote in a statement after the incident. "But for some reason still unknown to me, I eventually decided to do it."
They theorized on the second-order effects of their nascent sky drawing.
"Dude, that would be so funny," the pilot said. "Airliner's coming back on their way into Seattle, just this big (expletive)ing, giant penis. We could almost draw a vein in the middle of it too."
Soon, the EWO reported they were definitely "marking."
They had found the sweet altitude, and the contrail sky penis was being born in their wake.
"Balls are going to be a little lopsided," the pilot advised.
"Balls are complete," he reported moments later. "I just gotta navigate a little bit over here for the shaft."
"Which way is the shaft going?" the EWO asked.
"The shaft will go to the left," the pilot answered.
"It's gonna be a wide shaft," the EWO noted.
"I don't wanna make it just like 3 balls," the pilot said.
"Let's do it," the EWO said. "Oh, the head of that penis is going to be thick."
"Some like Chinese weather satellite right now that's like, 'what the (expletive)?'" the pilot surmised.
"Soon after, I realized the extent of our actions," the pilot wrote. "That the contrails were remaining longer than predicted."
Evasive maneuvers became necessary.
"I remarked that we needed to take steps to try to obfuscate it," he wrote. "I flew one pass over it essentially trying to scribble it out with my contrails. That pass was ineffective."
