So my girlfriend just had a screaming fit at me in front of a large group of strangers and I'm kind of ticked off

[Deleted member 7462]

I didn't know so many people assumed that their SOs are not functioning adults. Talmbout "go look for the independent adult you got separated from because she probably can't take care of herself."

That's weird, though it's the kind of weird thing I would have maybe thought when I was nineteen or so.

If I get separated from my wife, she is, you know, able to find me when she is ready. Because she's an adult. With intelligence and autonomy.

OP, since you haven't come back and responded to my post, here is my advice: If this is a new-ish relationship, you might think about ending it. This sort of behavior doesn't end, usually, when you let a yeller continue to yell after you apologize. Yelling at your partner in general is a red flag, but in public to me is a big red flag. It could be nothing, but it could be that you have a yeller and shouter-downer on your hands who yells you into submission and capitulation because it works. I would suggest that you don't need that in your life, having had friends who have dated yellers and seeing what that's like.

At the very least, were I you, I would let her know that yelling isn't an acceptable way to communicate anger and that you won't accept that sort of behavior again.

Then don't, if it happens again.

 

[Buttzerker]

Shave your head, hit the gym, lawyer up.

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Shave the gym, hit your lawyer, head up

 

[Yata]

I have no idea about relationships, but I'm kind of shocked so many people would just break up with their girlfriend for screaming in public once.

About the situation, you fucked up, OP. It was a minor thing from your perspective, but I totally get how this could be a big deal to your girlfriend. Isn't the whole point of going to a concert, if it's just the two of you, to enjoy it together? And your girlfriend clearly expressed her discomfort about the whole thing previously. I'll admit she should have texted you, but I feel we are missing a crucial part of this story; your girlfriend's side.

 

[Horza]

The number of people in this thread basically just saying 'dump that crazy b' is a little concerning considering most of us are well past our teens.

 

[A Boar]

Oh fuck off. That doesn't make him responsible for someone else committing a crime.

He didn't even know she was "vulnerable" until after the show outside so this ridiculous narrative doesn't stand.

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Well, OP did establish, first paragraph of his post, that he was aware she'd had a previous bad experience, specifically stating he kept to the back and out of the pit for her sake, so yes, he should have guessed she wouldn't be comfortable after getting separated, and should have tried to find her, at least text her to see if she was OK, and looked for her if she didn't answer or her answer was no.

 

[Kaelan]

My dude you're assuming frustration. I told you to fuck off because your point was nonsense, not because I was frustrated. You're projecting.

and yes you were.

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You know nothing about projection lol. In fact, from posts i've seen from you in this thread, it's clear you're projecting.

 

[Mahonay]

I didn't know so many people assumed that their SOs are not functioning adults. Talmbout "go look for the independent adult you got separated from because she probably can't take care of herself."

That's weird, though it's the kind of weird thing I would have maybe thought when I was nineteen or so.

.......

At the very least, were I you, I would let her know that yelling isn't an acceptable way to communicate anger and that you won't accept that sort of behavior again.

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"She's a functioning adult"

Also

"You should scold her like a child"

Lmao

 

[PJV3]

Burn this thread

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Yeah, it's fairly boring and the OP is long gone, the wife with Ice Cream rage sounds like something to get our teeth into.

 

[Cokie Bear]

Well, OP did establish, first paragraph of his post, that he was aware she'd had a previous bad experience, specifically stating he kept to the back and out of the pit for her sake, so yes, he should have guessed she wouldn't be comfortable after getting separated, and should have tried to find her, at least text her to see if she was OK, and looked for her if she didn't answer or her answer was no.

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I don't think I've disagreed with any of that. I don't think any of that would mean he's responsible if something worse happened to her.

You know nothing about projection lol. In fact, from posts i've seen from you in this thread, it's clear you're projecting.

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What am I projecting?

 

[N64Controller]

She was suffering from an emotional reaction triggered by a situation that she had experienced trauma in previously, OP knew this, and didn't check if she was okay. That's all it would have taken... a quick check.

Her response might have been emotionally charged, but given the circumstances it is understandable.

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I haven't read the whole thread, but the way OP mentions her story and the way it was told, there's no way to know if it was a traumatic event. Anyone who's been in a moshpit knows how it goes, you get hit, you get hurt. It happens to me and I'm a big bloke. OP clearly mentions that they stayed away from the pit, and they got separated during the 2nd set when people were trying to get closer to the stage. That's when she literally just bolted out. Not looking for another adult the second you're separated in a situation like this is at worst a little dickish, in no way does it deserve being screamed at and treated like shit.

Don't get me wrong, I know you can have actual traumas, and of course you won't act rationally when they're triggered. But with the story we have in the OP, there's nothing about him doing anything wrong. But that,s just me, I get the points of everyone here.

Not gonna lie folks, I'm half hoping gf is actually an Era member and creates another situation like that thread with the guy who claimed he got screamed at by his GF because of a dream.

 

[Deleted member 7462]

"She's a functioning adult"

Also

"You should scold her like a child"

Lmao

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Who said anything about scolding? You set boundaries firmly, and you keep them.

What a silly post you've made, but that's par for the course in this thread.

 

[Mahonay]

Who said anything about scolding? You set boundaries firmly, and you keep them.

What a silly post you've made, but that's par for the course in this thread.

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That is literally how you speak to your kid, not a partner.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

"She's a functioning adult"

Also

"You should scold her like a child"

Lmao

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lol damn.

 

[A Boar]

I think the real question is how you interpreted OPs post as "being alone for a moment"?

Oh wait, I know the answer. Dont bother.

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It's an easy guess given how, according to the thread on the matter, he wasn't very considerate of Ary F. 's needs and feelings when they were together.

 

[astro]

I haven't read the whole thread, but the way OP mentions her story and the way it was told, there's no way to know if it was a traumatic event. Anyone who's been in a moshpit knows how it goes, you get hit, you get hurt. It happens to me and I'm a big bloke. OP clearly mentions that they stayed away from the pit, and they got separated during the 2nd set when people were trying to get closer to the stage. That's when she literally just bolted out. Not looking for another adult the second you're separated in a situation like this is at worst a little dickish, in no way does it deserve being screamed at and treated like shit.

Don't get me wrong, I know you can have actual traumas, and of course you won't act rationally when they're triggered. But with the story we have in the OP, there's nothing about him doing anything wrong. But that,s just me, I get the points of everyone here.

Not gonna lie folks, I'm half hoping gf is actually an Era member and creates another situation like that thread with the guy who claimed he got screamed at by his GF because of a dream.

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If the person I cares about tells me of a bad experience they had that was even potentially traumatic, and we were in a similar situation where the parts in play (crowd becoming rowdy, being alone) could cause the same harm, I would look for them.

OP is at fault for that, imo, and the girlfriends reaction is understandable as people experiencing thse things are not experiencing rational emotions.

 

[Deleted member 7462]

That is literally how you speak to your kid, not a partner.

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I don't think you know much about speaking to kids or partners, really.

But no, you're wrong. Telling someone that you don't appreciate and won't accept abusive behavior is healthy.

 

[SageShinigami]

This is the most era thread I've read in a while.

Honestly, I can't really say whether OP is an asshole or not. Maybe his SO told him that story in a way that was a "joke" but was obviously not, maybe she was howling her way through it. One way I'd remember that immediately, the other I would write it off. Most people have conveniently ignored the fact that they've been to multiple shows before. In general he probably only remembered the story well after the fact when he was trying to remember wtf happened.

The not texting thing is a bit suspect, but that's going to depend on how often they communicate. You're near the back of the venue, not dead center.

Even the yelling is...who knows? Y'all are telling the OP to get over it but you don't know how it looked. If she said a bunch of hurtful shit in public, is she not responsible for that at all? Even if OP is in the wrong, does she never apologize? No one has the right to tell someone how to react to a situation. But that doesn't mean you get carte blanche to do that and just write it off as "my trauma", as if it's everyone else's responsibility to deal with it and not your own. In the moment is one thing, but with some distance from the situation you need to be capable of reflection. I wasn't there to see it, so maybe it isn't as bad as OP thinks, but then again maybe it's worse.

This whole thread is full with a ton of people who want to leap on OP because they think this is a post from r/relationships where every dude is a monster from a Lifetime movie. But given a bunch of factors outlined by the OP this isn't a " red flag" but rather a small misunderstanding.

Someone made a crack earlier about "oh no, a woman yelled at a man! His poor pride" , which about sums up how I look at Era. Just an immediate jump to a dude being trash. As if men are immune to having their feelings hurt and being yelled at isn't embarrassing for everyone regardless of gender.

I'm not laying blame on OP because I'm not laying blame. If there's any relationship left to salvage, it needs to start with you apologizing then getting her to talk about what happened and why she was upset. Everyone here assumes they know, but they weren't there and aren't her anyway. But it also has to involve communicating how you were hurt by her afterwards. The whole "ignore how you feel, just apologize" shit everyone's saying is how you wind up with a bunch of resentment over time because you keep ignoring your own emotions.

 

[Quixzlizx]

I am surprised at all of the people in this thread that are fine with her screaming at him and cursing him out in public. It's one thing to say that it's somewhat understandable if she's in the middle of a panic attack, but to say it's perfectly acceptable behavior reeks of paternalistic white-knight faux-feminism to me. I'm guessing all of those people would also be OK with an upset man doing the same to a woman in public?

Because if not, you're propagating toxic masculinity and/or infantalizing women by saying that men need to control their emotions in public, while women don't.

 

[Van Bur3n]

People getting a bit separated at a show where the crowd is active feels normal to me? It seems to happen to me often when going with friends and we just get back together between songs if we can or at the end, no big deal. I've never gone to a show like this with my current gf though, so I didn't know her feelings about it.

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You think someone like her was going to be okay with getting separated at a show like this after her previous experience? You gotta use your noodle, bruv.

First thing I would have done upon separation was look for her. That's just me, though.

As for what to do now, I don't know, good luck!

 

[EloquentM]

Weekend relationship threads whew.

 

[Elfotografoalocado]

Not really. He needs to apologize for not looking for her sooner and she needs to apologize for blowing up at him

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That's precisely what I'm trying to convey. OP is not faultless because he pulled a mild asshole move just forgetting about her, which is what I said in my first post. However, normally a mild asshole move would prompt mild annoyance, and no more. OP could not predict how bad his GF would feel, that was missing communication on her part, and the blaming and verbal abuse are completely out of order.

 

[Pelicano]

TIL being an asshole is treating someone like an adult.

 

[Kieli]

Sounds like she has the emotional intelligence, conversational capacity, and conflict escalation mechanisms of a 5 year old.

I couldn't deal with that in a partner. I'd expect them to be mature and communicate their annoyances, anger, frustration, whatever with me and have a rational conversation.

Ain't worth it, bruv.

 

[A Boar]

This is the most era thread I've read in a while.

Honestly, I can't really say whether OP is an asshole or not. Maybe his SO told him that story in a way that was a "joke" but was obviously not, maybe she was howling her way through it. One way I'd remember that immediately, the other I would write it off. Most people have conveniently ignored the fact that they've been to multiple shows before. In general he probably only remembered the story well after the fact when he was trying to remember wtf happened.

The not texting thing is a bit suspect, but that's going to depend on how often they communicate. You're near the back of the venue, not dead center.

Even the yelling is...who knows? Y'all are telling the OP to get over it but you don't know how it looked. If she said a bunch of hurtful shit in public, is she not responsible for that at all? Even if OP is in the wrong, does she never apologize? No one has the right to tell someone how to react to a situation. But that doesn't mean you get carte blanche to do that and just write it off as "my trauma", as if it's everyone else's responsibility to deal with it and not your own. In the moment is one thing, but with some distance from the situation you need to be capable of reflection. I wasn't there to see it, so maybe it isn't as bad as OP thinks, but then again maybe it's worse.

This whole thread is full with a ton of people who want to leap on OP because they think this is a post from r/relationships where every dude is a monster from a Lifetime movie. But given a bunch of factors outlined by the OP this isn't a " red flag" but rather a small misunderstanding.

Someone made a crack earlier about "oh no, a woman yelled at a man! His poor pride" , which about sums up how I look at Era. Just an immediate jump to a dude being trash. As if men are immune to having their feelings hurt and being yelled at isn't embarrassing for everyone regardless of gender.

I'm not laying blame on OP because I'm not laying blame. If there's any relationship left to salvage, it needs to start with you apologizing then getting her to talk about what happened and why she was upset. Everyone here assumes they know, but they weren't there and aren't her anyway. But it also has to involve communicating how you were hurt by her afterwards. The whole "ignore how you feel, just apologize" shit everyone's saying is how you wind up with a bunch of resentment over time because you keep ignoring your own emotions.

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OP states he kept to the back and off the pit because of her, so I'd say we can infer he was well aware of her past experiences.

 

[Van Bur3n]

I am surprised at all of the people in this thread that are fine with her screaming at him and cursing him out in public. It's one thing to say that it's somewhat understandable if she's in the middle of a panic attack, but to say it's perfectly acceptable behavior reeks of paternalistic white-knight faux-feminism to me. I'm guessing all of those people would also be OK with an upset man doing the same to a woman in public?

Because if not, you're propagating toxic masculinity and/or infantalizing women by saying that men need to control their emotions in public, while women don't.

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What are you going on about, you goof ball.

Honestly, who gives a shit about the whole getting yelled at publicly thing. No one there is going to remember or care about what they saw of you in the next 24 hours. It's a silly thing to get hung up on.

 

[Deleted member 7462]

TIL being an asshole is treating someone like an adult.

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Don't you know she's a woman, so she obviously can't take care of herself or control her emotions. She's just being hysterical, you know, so apologize to her.

I'm guessing most of the posters in here wouldn't know a functional relationship if they saw one, nor how to recognize the signs of someone who is potentially abusive.

 

[Mahonay]

I don't think you know much about speaking to kids or partners, really.

But no, you're wrong. Telling someone that you don't appreciate and won't accept abusive behavior is healthy.

Click to shrink...

"let her know that yelling isn't an acceptable way to communicate anger and that you won't accept that sort of behavior again."

How is that not taking down to someone and treating them like an ornery child?

Maybe talk to them like a normal adult "Hey, when you yelled at me and cursed me out in front of strangers, it didn't feel great. I don't think that was cool. What was up with that? I know you were upset but I'm always willing to talk if there's something going on",

Not

"Please use your inside voice"

Adult relationships have problems. Just talk to them like a regular person. I'm a 33 year old adult and have had many relationships. I've never treated a girlfriend like a subordinate.

 

[EN1GMA]

This thread kind of reeks of people trying too hard to look good.

 

[Android Sophia]

This thread has turned into pointless bickering, in addition to some unfortunate implications regarding the infantilizing of women. Due to this, we're leaving this thread locked.