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SingleEra, how do you settle the bill?
- Thread starter Illenium
- Start date
OP
OP
So my question is are you looking for an attempt or for her to actually pay? Reason why I ask is that it's a messy situation if she makes the attempt to pay, but end up not being able to due to circumstances
Ok, I still would never characterize somebody I just had a meal with as a "total stranger". I also wouldn't treat a date as "almost exactly the same as a job interview". I think your advice is bad, literally.
I see you playa 👏
Yup, again...people have options, and for women, not even offering to pay can be a harbinger of the future. Very little happens on a first date that is going to balance out the negative impact of not offering to pay...women get offered to dinner by "nice guys" all the time. Paying is the biggest compliment you can give.
As Stephen A Smith likes to say..."Fair is a place where pigs are sold".
Then you are projecting your own dating habits on others or you are naive about the information your date is giving you. If you have a long time of getting to know someone before a date, that is fine...but that's not the experience for most people.
And, in most cases, what are you finding out on this first date? Oh this is what I do for work and I've lived here this many years and my favorite food is this yadda yadda...that is shallow and basic information that isn't even the very tip of getting to know someone...just like a job interview.
The fact that you are somewhat defensive ("your advice is bad") speaks to naivete when others in the thread agree. Again...people have options, especially women.
Exactly, I question the percentage of dating that make it to the 2nd/3rd date...or how often intimacy happens on the 1st/2nd date, for people that say otherwise. The question is, how do you settle the bill...not, how do people only interested in dating people wanting a monogamous long term relationship based only on personality and how you like someone as a person. At worst, people that don't offer are leaving alot of sex on the table.
Always split or pay for yourself. If it's coffee or a couple drinks or whatever who cares, I'll grab that. But I'm not paying for a whole meal for someone I just met simply because I'm the one with the penis, get real.
You're a chump or a boomer if you think the man should pay for everything.
Haven't been single in several years but when I was this never came up, not once, during my summer of fun (the only time I've been single in the last six or so years). Every date i went on it was assumed we'd pay our own bills.
You're a chump or a boomer if you think the man should pay for everything.
Haven't been single in several years but when I was this never came up, not once, during my summer of fun (the only time I've been single in the last six or so years). Every date i went on it was assumed we'd pay our own bills.
It's not. Because most first dates are pretty much that.
It's a lot of asking questions and prodding each other's interests. And you need to sell yourself on why YOU as a person are interesting.
Yea, looking for an attempt or a split. Although, its not really about the money and more of an insight to her personality and intentions.
So after a first meal together you are pretty much at the same point in a relationship/social dynamic as that totally random stranger you walked past earlier that you had never scene before, didn't make eye contact with, or talk to?
The poster I was replying to suggested that after all the questions, talking, and prodding of a first date, it's still a "total stranger" dynamic. I don't agree with that characterization.
OP
OP
yeah I figured. I only ask because this guy asked me out on a date & he offered to pay when I Said to just give me a few weeks to gather my finances together lol. I don't want to show up to a date empty handed & Id feel bad if he paid in full anyway
Bingo.
I think people are conflating this with "this person that I knew previously, I finally asked her out and she was cool with splitting"...most dates are with people you only meet long enough to get a number. For most people, the first date is the first real conversation you'll have.
For example, I never wear a suit to job interviews and have had no problem getting the jobs that I want. But that's not the best advice for the majority. You should absolutely wear a suit to your job interviews, for the same reasons.
You're being pedantic and literal though...if we are going by Webster Dictionary then yes it's not a total stranger but the trust on her end still isn't there to be a friend or really even an acquaintance based on the circumstances.
As a straight male, I always offer to pay on the first date. I don't agree with the dating rule but I know it's often an expectation and I'm worried about screwing up my shot at a second date. But there are also plenty of women who don't believe in that outdated standard. I can tell who they are because when I offer to pay, they usually will insist they pay for themselves or that they will pay for the next thing. That's always a good sign in my book.
I never do a first date that isn't something simple and cheap though, so paying for a coffee or a drink is not a big deal. Second date and beyond, I will suggest splitting so as not to set this expectation that I'm just gonna pay for everything. I've never dated anyone who has had a problem with that. In my last relationship, I still paid for dates sometimes but it was just on a whim. I just felt like treating her. She would do the same at times but most of the time we just split.
I never do a first date that isn't something simple and cheap though, so paying for a coffee or a drink is not a big deal. Second date and beyond, I will suggest splitting so as not to set this expectation that I'm just gonna pay for everything. I've never dated anyone who has had a problem with that. In my last relationship, I still paid for dates sometimes but it was just on a whim. I just felt like treating her. She would do the same at times but most of the time we just split.
As far as dating between straight men and women go, this is saying the same thing as "the man pays."
Hmmm, you told him "give me a few weeks to gather my finances together"? I wouldnt bring out issues like that on a first date. If he offered and you cant pay, just say you'll get the next one. ....if a second date actually happens. If not, a gracious thanks is good enough.
Alway split if it's dating before we get together.
I wouldn't want to be with someone with that mindset anyway.
Yes, really, honestly.
I wouldn't want to be with someone with that mindset anyway.
OP
OP
i essentially said two weeks cus I'm returning to work next week just so he knows I'm not purposely turning him down like most girls do. :) yeah don't worry! I'm not an asshole haha.
I'll say that as a woman, you can definitely get away with this...but guys should definitely not do this LOL...the reason for not going on a first date until a certain time should always be "I'm busy until this time".
But giving someone a solid date either way is certainly the way to go instead of leaving them flailing in the wind.
OP
OP
well I think that depends on the woman. If the guy I'm pursuing is having financial issues, it's totally fine and understandable. I don't have my life together and I don't expect you to either. But it also depends on your age I guess. I think constantly saying "I'm busy until this time" might give off the impression that I'm just being strung along
Yes I agree, not constantly...but just when settling on a time for the first date. You should definitely stick to that date no matter what.
I guess what I was trying to say is be careful with putting your business out there too fast 😁 Unfortunately people will look for anything to not go forward with the date.
We could probably cross out some of the disconnect if we just clarified that yes, if you just want to get laid, then the best way to do that is to pay the bill. If that is what someone means by "dating" then fair enough.
I don't care about sex really. I'm 33 and I've had plenty of "experiences." At this point it's definitely about wanting a partner.
Smells a little desperate, judging your success at dating by how soon you get sex. Personally I prefer to limit my partners to people who I'm emotionally attracted to. For others, especially young'uns I imagine, I'm sure someone expecting a free night would be no problem. For me, it's a real turn-off. The amount of times I've turned down sex this year outweighs the other way around.
OP
OP
Hm? Why do you offer to split if they did the inviting? Shouldn't it go both ways?
Chick here. My rule was always, I pay for the whole thing unless he's getting some. Then, he can pay for all of it.
If I pay for the date, I usually slip the waiter the card halfway through. Otherwise, I've never had a guy not argue/fight over the bill and try to pay for me.
I'm not sure how I would feel if a guy didn't offer to pay for the whole thing, to be honest. Call me old fashioned but the gesture is nice. A guy that didn't at least OFFER to pay would be a never see again, regardless of how the date went.
If I pay for the date, I usually slip the waiter the card halfway through. Otherwise, I've never had a guy not argue/fight over the bill and try to pay for me.
I'm not sure how I would feel if a guy didn't offer to pay for the whole thing, to be honest. Call me old fashioned but the gesture is nice. A guy that didn't at least OFFER to pay would be a never see again, regardless of how the date went.
This should be really simple: everyone always split everything, if you can't afford half the date, don't go on it.
As a guy, there's enough women who don't think the old fashioned way anymore to weed out the ones who do from your dating pool and still have success in your dating life. And over time, I feel like eventually it'll be the women who do still cling to that who are limiting themselves.
I've always thought of it as if you're asking someone to dinner, you pay. Even if it's multiple times.
If you start officially dating then you take turns or split or whatever.
In fact last year a girl essentially asked me to dinner, and I still insisted on paying, although to be fair she paid our tab at the bar afterwards.
If you start officially dating then you take turns or split or whatever.
In fact last year a girl essentially asked me to dinner, and I still insisted on paying, although to be fair she paid our tab at the bar afterwards.
Don't cherry-pick. I literally said that people expect different outcomes from a date based on how it goes. Don't know where you got sex as being the only factor. And, sex doesn't mean that an emotional attraction hasn't happened or won't happen. And even further more, people who DO date just for sex and are honest about that with a person who is also okay with that, are not desperate.
And again...if you have a long "lead time" of getting to know someone before you go on a date, that's fine, but that's not the majority of dating experiences. Plus, the average single person isn't turning down sex from someone they had a nice time with and are attracted to.
Like I said...I haven't needed to wear a suit to a job interview...but I wouldn't recommend that to the average person.
Wait, so why did you insist on paying if she asked you out?
I really don't get this "whoever asks the other out pays" rule some people have.
I didn't cherry pick, you mentioned missing out on sex twice in the same paragraph.
Also, I don't have a long lead time for online dating. I usually ask someone out in 10 messages or less.
The first date should never feel like an interview, talking about what you do and how long you've been living somewhere. That is what a bad first date is.
I don't know. I was drunk and trying to be the gentleman. Maybe also because I usually pay so it was instinctive.
Thinking about it I guess it's kind of situational and depends on the people. This girl and I had hung out at work happy hours and stuff, so were kind of familiar with each other.
Again, you are projecting your own dating style on others, and implying that I'm speaking for my own dating style.
The fact that you pointed out that I mentioned sex twice (OMG THE HORROR) says as much. It's the #1 reason people date. Shallow surface information isn't any real connection or indicative of some romantic progression from stranger to more than that. That takes time and unless your first date lasts weeks in a row there isn't much you are getting from a person that is beyond what you would say in a job interview.
And...you don't get to decide what is a good or bad date for someone. Plenty of people are not comfortable with getting too close at first and with the information they share. Alot of people don't want an emotional connection. Others only date until that have that. None of that is for anyone to judge.
People are twisting the question the OP posted...it's literally "how do you settle the bill"...not "how is the best way to find a soul mate".
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Yeah, I can understand trying to be the gentleman. That was kind of what I was getting at with the whole "if you ask someone out to dinner, you pay." It's more about a guy being the gentleman than it is about him being the one to asked her out.
I guess I never got the difference between "whoever asks pays" and "the man pays" because if I didn't ask women out, I'd literally never get a date. Even if a woman did ask me out, I'd still feel some sort of pressure to pay or at least offer.
OP
OP
hm what's your idea of a good first date? Like what should be discussed?
And the two are related. Because I'm looking for a soulmate. Well, perhaps not a soulmate, but at least someone I'm actually having fun with.
And my paying for the meal should have no influence on how fun the date has been or how my date thinks of me. That should be based on how much fun we have, on if there's some sort of chemistry. Not on if I offered to pick up the bill or not.
It's the opposite for me even, if someone expects me to pay for the meal, I'm not interested. I'll pay for it to avoid the hassle, but there won't be a second date.
Yes, that's why I said earlier that if your aim is to get laid, then go for it and pay. When the OP asked how I settle the bill, I answered and said why.
The question has no context unless you combine it with what we're talking about. My answer was Split - okay why? Because it filters out people that see dating differently than I do. Your answer is Pay - okay why? Because it's statistically most likely to please someone. Giving my reason as "I want to find someone on equal footing as me" isn't twisting the OP any more than "because you'll get the sex."
Usually you just start by expanding on a topic you've mentioned during messages. For example, I have in my profile that I think Mulan has the best Disney soundtrack and I get a ton of messages about that. So boom, right away during the date you can talk about Disney and Pixar. I also have a fun Mulan drinking game, so I can talk about that. One girl then mentioned she always does Disney costumes for Halloween, so we look at those and then I can talk about my Halloween costumes. Then we talk about whether Halloween or Christmas is the better holiday (it's Halloween). Maybe then what's the worst Xmas gift we've ever gotten.
Before long you've long forgotten what started the convo, you just know it's 3 hours and 3 drinks later and you've found chemistry. The above is just one example, of course. To me "what do you do" is what happens when there's an awkward silence because you've both run out of interesting/funny things to say.
To Akita One's point of course, sometimes "what do you do" is appropriate, if for example you don't date outside your own financial bracket. Though usually those people are also the ones not looking for hookups.
I'll pay in full unless they insist on something else. It's not worth the awkwardness to save the 50 bucks.
OP
OP
I agree to a certain extent that it should be based off chemistry and the time spent. I think if the guy makes the attempt, that's all that matters. I remember being on a date with this guy. He insisted on paying, but tipped $2 for the whole meal which shows he wasn't a good tipper and I felt bad. What made it worse was that he paid cash for it and said "keep the change" like it was a lot. I was super embarrassed and the waitress looked at me like "are you fucking kidding me?" Mind you, service was great and all too. :(
When I was single, it was split majority of the time. If it was just a coffee date, then I'd pay for it cause it's really cheap anyway.
I always assume I'm paying for dinner unless they ask to split it. I will if they want, it's silly to force the issue. Generally though if I ask someone out to dinner I take on the responsibility of paying for it.
Seems like the polite way to do it.
Seems like the polite way to do it.
And I'm fine with all of this! Then there was no reason to target my posts because I'm speaking to what is the general advice I would give based on the experiences of myself and people around me. I'm not speaking for myself persay or to what either of you specifically should do in your situations. Everyone is different of course. I haven't replied to anyone here that said "no you should not pay", just stating my response to the question.
If I asked the person out, I'd pay for the bill. Same as if I ask someone to meet for coffee, just seems like the decent thing to do.
OP
OP
Wouldn't a lot of these topics in the messages be already expanded unless you meet up soon after matching?