Read it all while constantly reminding myself it would have a sudden bad thing or punch line at the end.
But I got too into the climax and forgot so it was so sudden.
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Saw man fishing. Said he hadn't eaten in weeks. So I ate him.
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Read it all while constantly reminding myself it would have a sudden bad thing or punch line at the end.
But I got too into the climax and forgot so it was so sudden.
Congratulations, you are now all inductees of a sacred trust. We all once stood where you stand today.
So, there's this couple who just started dating and things are going really well. One day, the girl finds a box of old love letters from her high school boyfriend. She reads them and, like, loves how silly they are. You know, the drama of young romance.
So, on a whim, she sends the letters to her ex-boyfriend thinking he might find them funny too. Well, okay, that night, she tells her current boyfriend about it and he loses his shit. They get in a huge fight about it. He's all, "Why would you send your ex the old love letters? He's going to think you're still in love with him!" And she's just like, "Relax, Brandon!"
So, anyway, now the night is ruined because Brandon is obsessed. He's like, "That ex-boyfriend's going to come back for you. He knows where you live!"So, after dinner, he drives her home.
She lives in one of those big apartment buildings by the freeway. And he walks her to her door, but he forgets to lock the car and leaves the windows down. He kisses her good night, but things are kind of weird, you know? Then he gets back in his car and starts to drive away, but when he glances in his rear-view mirror, his blood turns cold. Guess what's in the back seat.
The bag of mulch.
Bojack Horseman
A guy has a big giant pumpkin head. His friend comes over to visit and asks him, "Holy shit, your head is a big giant pumpkin. What happened?" The guy says, "I found this magic lamp with a genie in it and it gave me 3 wishes. But I really blew it." His friend goes, "Oh, Yeah?" The guy says, "First, I wished for a million dollars and the wish came true. Next I wished for a beautiful woman who would love me, and that wish came true too. But I really messed up the last wish." His friend asks him, "Well, what the hell happened?". The guy goes, "For the last wish, I asked for a big giant pumpkin head."
In Australian legends it is said that there is a mystical didgeridoo that if you blow will awaken the slumbering spirit of the kangaroo god. The mystical doo, was said to be lost to time, until one day an intrepid explorer located a map, followed it and found the doo, however as put it in his mouth and took a deep breath , the only thing he blew was this joke.
First one that came to mind.
Also, "I tripped and stumbled down an escalator. I fell for 45 minutes".
Reported in an attempt to get a laugh from the mod team. If I'm fired by the end of the day...
F
Lol, I love a shaggy dog story.
The pun doesn't even work for British readers as we pronounce 'lever' as 'leaver' rather than rhyming with 'never', which just adds to it as the payoff is far weaker after the rambling story. I've heard some good variants over the years though.
Usually dont get high, and tonight this thread has me rollin. Myself never do I actually post myself, because I dont get it, but I think today I was so high that I think I got myself to actually post because I was high.
This reminds me of that one thread in the old place.
Captain N: "I'm pretty sure not that many people
are really looking forward to anything to do with Nintendogs. Well, expect for my wife and probably yours as well. She wants a new Nintendogs and she wants it real bad. She rarely ever get excited about a new game coming out, but she really wants Pokemon Gold & Silver. The whole idea of the PokeWalker has been getting her wondering when this thing will hit stateside.
She wants to see this same sort of thing used with a new Nintendogs. She wants to play little mini games with her dogs and would even like to see it look like a bone. it of course could also count your steps as if you were to be taking your 'dog' for a walk. That would be a great feature. The game sold millions of copies..isn't it time they revisit it?"
baardhimself (banned): "i had a better idea.. i kick your wife in the back of the legs and fuck her bareback doggy style, just as i am about to nut i whip out nintendoggy 2 and using the dsi i record me covering her mouth and busting up her nostrils as she fingers my taint. bitch."
Captain N: "I'm pretty sure not that many people
are really looking forward to anything to do with Nintendogs. Well, expect for my wife and probably yours as well. She wants a new Nintendogs and she wants it real bad. She rarely ever get excited about a new game coming out, but she really wants Pokemon Gold & Silver. The whole idea of the PokeWalker has been getting her wondering when this thing will hit stateside.
She wants to see this same sort of thing used with a new Nintendogs. She wants to play little mini games with her dogs and would even like to see it look like a bone. it of course could also count your steps as if you were to be taking your 'dog' for a walk. That would be a great feature. The game sold millions of copies..isn't it time they revisit it?"
baardhimself (banned): "i had a better idea.. i kick your wife in the back of the legs and fuck her bareback doggy style, just as i am about to nut i whip out nintendoggy 2 and using the dsi i record me covering her mouth and busting up her nostrils as she fingers my taint. bitch."
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After spending nearly an hour and a half (and a whole lot of distractions in between) reading this, that's how it ends? That suddenly? Better Nate than lever?
Idk if I'll ever be the same.
Norm Roasts Bob Sagat
www.youtube.com
that Cloris Leachman joke has been one of my all time favorites since it aired. The delivery on the for the birds joke is fantastic also.
I despise anti-humour. Fuck it and everything is stands for. Especially that Jokers Trick bullshit
Why did Robert Redford stick his cock in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce?
Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he's gonna stick his cock in a competitor's product?
Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he's gonna stick his cock in a competitor's product?
Yeah, the fact that it doesn't work for us Brits actually makes it even better. Or worse. Or both.
I fell into the trap. Read the whole thing, but I enjoyed it 😆
Before this thread I'd never seen any Norm McDonald material
Fuck this thread
Alright that actually made me laugh after a terrible day today i needed that lol
I like shitty (in all senses) limericks
There once was a girl called Valerie
She wanted to sing by the sea
To travel there she saved her salary
But the economy crashed and she was fired
(Pure gold, you don't understand genius when you see it...)
There once was a girl called Valerie
She wanted to sing by the sea
To travel there she saved her salary
But the economy crashed and she was fired
(Pure gold, you don't understand genius when you see it...)
Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
Better Nate than lever is an oldie but a goodie. Sadly it doesn't really work in the UK, we pronounce it "leave-er"
Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Xi Jinping walk into a bar. They ordered one beer each. Then they left.
There once was this guy that won 1 million dollars. Instead of spending everything at once on stupid shit, he invested. Invested in stocks, but also in different businesses and startups.
After a few years, his total net worth was probably around 50 million.
But here's the thing; every single day since he got that first million, he picked a random account number belonging to someone else and sent over 1 dollar.
Do you know why he did that?
After a few years, his total net worth was probably around 50 million.
But here's the thing; every single day since he got that first million, he picked a random account number belonging to someone else and sent over 1 dollar.
Do you know why he did that?