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Roommates and Relationships
- Thread starter Deleted member 18025
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There is also the issue of how a third person makes the apartment get dirty and messy faster. I'd also say renegotiate the chores.
With a lot of people this is not an issue and that's great. But that does not mean they don't have a point if they have an issue with it. Your roommate may like you and want to live with you but dislike her and not want to live with her. They agreed to living with you, never with her. That's the bottom line.
With a lot of people this is not an issue and that's great. But that does not mean they don't have a point if they have an issue with it. Your roommate may like you and want to live with you but dislike her and not want to live with her. They agreed to living with you, never with her. That's the bottom line.
I mean it might be different where you live.. But alot of areas state if someone sleeps over for more than 4 nights in a week they are considered a occupant.
So yeah I'm with your roommate on this. If shes using utilities and maybe eating food.. She needs to chip in. If that's a problem then you guys need your own place
So yeah I'm with your roommate on this. If shes using utilities and maybe eating food.. She needs to chip in. If that's a problem then you guys need your own place
I would not assume just because someone doesn't bring something to your attention right away that they're automatically fine with it.
Not everyone just immediately jumps down someone's throat when they're slightly annoyed. I typically try to avoid confrontation unless something becomes more than just a trivial issue.
And obviously something that starts as a minor annoyance can become worse with time and/or changing circumstances.
I'm with the roommate on this.
If ya'll never discussed potential girlfriends/spouses staying over several nights a week or more when you first signed the lease together, then he's absolutely in the right to be annoyed by your girlfriend being there 4 nights a week. It's weird how relationships/psychology works, but I would feel uncomfortable if there was another person constantly sleeping over in the room besides me even if I never really saw them.
If ya'll never discussed potential girlfriends/spouses staying over several nights a week or more when you first signed the lease together, then he's absolutely in the right to be annoyed by your girlfriend being there 4 nights a week. It's weird how relationships/psychology works, but I would feel uncomfortable if there was another person constantly sleeping over in the room besides me even if I never really saw them.
The psychological issues behind it stems from that fact that the roommate never had a say in this. OP just randomly made a third person basically another roommate without asking him or getting his input. You're supposed to share an apartment 50/50 unless you own it and are renting out a room, and that goes for all decisions affecting the apartment. Otherwise it's unfair to the roommate.
i lived with 3 roommates who all had girlfriends over the same nights and the front yard was flooded with cars. several times a week sometimes
i didnt really ask them to pitch in for utilities, but they probably should have. if there's a noticeable increase in utility usage vs when she aint there, probably should pitch in an extra 10% or something.
they likely arent staying over long enough to matter. he's got a business to run out of his bedroom, after all
i didnt really ask them to pitch in for utilities, but they probably should have. if there's a noticeable increase in utility usage vs when she aint there, probably should pitch in an extra 10% or something.
they likely arent staying over long enough to matter. he's got a business to run out of his bedroom, after all
As others say, the whole asking for her to 'chip in' thing is unlikely to be about the money, but a way of complaining about the situation (the hope probably being she stops coming over as much, rather than giving him $20).
Living with other people, you can really build up resentment, sometimes justified, sometimes not.
I totally get the feeling of disliking roommates having people around. No matter how minimised the impact is (stay in your room etc...) for some people, there is just an added degree of uncomfortableness. Unless agreed in before moving in, obviously it's part of living with someone, them having other people around. However when it becomes so frequent that it's half the time or more, I totally get the frustration, and have been in that situation myself.
Living with other people, you can really build up resentment, sometimes justified, sometimes not.
I totally get the feeling of disliking roommates having people around. No matter how minimised the impact is (stay in your room etc...) for some people, there is just an added degree of uncomfortableness. Unless agreed in before moving in, obviously it's part of living with someone, them having other people around. However when it becomes so frequent that it's half the time or more, I totally get the frustration, and have been in that situation myself.
honestly surprised the pandemic angle hadn't been brought up till now
Im with the roommate on this OP. Also why is your gf spending so much time at your place? Maybe your roommate will feel better if you switched it up and you stay at your gfs place?
Seriously though a person staying the night 4 times out of 7 every week is basically a new roommate. Did you even discuss this with your roommate OP?
Seriously though a person staying the night 4 times out of 7 every week is basically a new roommate. Did you even discuss this with your roommate OP?
I mean if shes over 4 days out of 7 that's more than half the week, more than half the month. It's not that unreasonable to bring it up. Do you ever stay at her place 4 days a week?
Does it never cross your mind to help with the rent if you're there half the time?
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A couple questions:
1. Is it just 4 nights a week or is it those days too? Does she only come over at night is what I'm asking
2. Does she shower there or do you share a bathroom?
I think You should be more understanding of your roommate to be honest. Both of you have a case, but there should be a compromise. 4 days is a lot and he can only guess as to how much extra costs she brings. Water bill, electricity, etc.
How about you pay the $10 electrical, but you split the internet. Tell him she uses her data. Or split it three ways if you want. Either way he comes out losing and he will realize you paying for the internet is more than fair.
1. Is it just 4 nights a week or is it those days too? Does she only come over at night is what I'm asking
2. Does she shower there or do you share a bathroom?
I think You should be more understanding of your roommate to be honest. Both of you have a case, but there should be a compromise. 4 days is a lot and he can only guess as to how much extra costs she brings. Water bill, electricity, etc.
How about you pay the $10 electrical, but you split the internet. Tell him she uses her data. Or split it three ways if you want. Either way he comes out losing and he will realize you paying for the internet is more than fair.
I haven't gone through the whole thread but yes does she have her own place? Does she have a roommate? And why aren't you there?
While not quite this consistent, this has been pretty similar to my experience with my own relationships and those of whoever I loved with. However, rent is ridiculous here and living with others is pretty standard/necessary, so asking for someone to pay rent who wasn't living at the place pretty much every night would most likely get you laughed at because it wouldn't be feasible. Then again, with my own rent, gas, bills, and health costs, I have very little free money for anything more than my own groceries so it would be impossible for me to do so. I'm guessing most people here don't live where single bedroom spaces are $1800 a month. (Which is only half to a third what it is somewhere like the bay area. California housing really fucking sucks.) Getting your own place is basically a non-starter, and can sometimes be an issue even with a partner.
I have a couple questions from this, but I guess my main thing would be what was the situation like where she was there a similar amount of time but you weren't dating? Was she still only ever in your room or was there a different context and dynamic?
How is it not true? I specified that I was just talking about my experiences (I'd only split rent with close friends) Might not be true for you, but 100% has been for me when I've split rent lol. Someone's girlfriends being over every weekend isn't a bother to me unless they were taking over the living room and eating everything. Our bedrooms aren't gonna be next to each other, I'd never move somewhere with that type of floorplan. As long as their guest isnt crazy I can't really think of a reason they'd bother me.
As long as you don't have a problem with me also bringing my girl over often, I have no reason to care. Just chip in for food and clean or whatever. If I'm splitting the rent with you then I'm probably close friends with you anyway, none of my close friends are getting upset about something like that. We always have a really social atmosphere with many guests though, I'm sure most people don't do that.
Of course if I was just living with randoms then it'd be split per person. No argument there haha. If they can't do that then they should just live somewhere else.
Yeah that makes alot of sense, no way to know what the other person is doing in that situation.
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Your roommate is basically living with another 1.5 people. Even if your gf doesn't use much electricity/water etc he still needs to deal with reduced privacy and convenience. I'm with your roommate here.
So this was you, OP?
www.resetera.com
How would you react if you found out your roommate's SO has been staying over 2-3 nights per week, and they hid it from you?
This is situation I have now found myself in. I'm not sure what to think here, and don't want to overreact. My main concerns are the fact that: A) They actively tried to hide this from me, and B) This amounts to ~10 days a month this person has been staying over, and they could probably end up...
www.resetera.com
OP's girlfriend is making the bills go up, true, but it's not going to be nearly as much as OP's roomate is going to be paying on his own if OP moves out.
But yeah, it doesn't seem to be just about bills. Living with roomates is hard sometimes, you just gotta work out your issues, and if you can't, part ways.
But yeah, it doesn't seem to be just about bills. Living with roomates is hard sometimes, you just gotta work out your issues, and if you can't, part ways.
If he did have a partner over 4 nights a week and throughout the weekend - how would your space be? Would it be cramped and you'd be tripping over each other? A little difficult to use common spaces etc?
If it sounds like it'd be awkward and perhaps something that'd build up into an issue that you'd have to talk through - maybe thats how they're feeling right now
hmm. Is there a business model there? If you literally are not in your apartment every other week, someone else could use that space and pay some of the rent, helping you out. They'd obviously need somewhere for the other 50% of the time so you'd need a circle/chain but could be interesting (= a nightmare)
I thought this would be about having a relationship with a roommate and was so ready for the drama.
Sorry i missed that you meant just your experience
I'd say though if you had a couple as roommates but you were only splitting rent in half you got jobbed out hard
Four nights a week is too much. Three non-consecutive nights probably fine, but not all the time. It's hard to feel like you've got your own space in most flatmate arrangements, and when you're introducing a third person that makes an already undesirable situation worse.
Also, if people start taking the piss and encroaching on boundaries and changing an agreed arrangement, they often don't stop. Like with my last housemate, her boyfriend went from coming over 3/4 times a week to being there 6 or even 7 days a week, contributing nothing, occupying living areas, etc. etc. until eventually his mother came to stay for like three weeks in this very small house with both of them + me and my girlfriend and it was horrible and weird as fuck. I'm not saying that's what's gonna happen here OP, I'm sure you're entirely reasonable, but these things can escalate very easily.
Also, if people start taking the piss and encroaching on boundaries and changing an agreed arrangement, they often don't stop. Like with my last housemate, her boyfriend went from coming over 3/4 times a week to being there 6 or even 7 days a week, contributing nothing, occupying living areas, etc. etc. until eventually his mother came to stay for like three weeks in this very small house with both of them + me and my girlfriend and it was horrible and weird as fuck. I'm not saying that's what's gonna happen here OP, I'm sure you're entirely reasonable, but these things can escalate very easily.
Haha yeah if they were moving in as a couple we'd def have to split 3 ways . I might be dumb but im not that dumb lol. I just meant It's alright for them to be coming over every weekend or something as long as they're not a drain on our food and stuff.
See that's what I meant by per person and what I mistakingly thought you were arguing against when you said per room heh
I currently have two housemates, one of whom has their boyfriend over twice a week - he comes in the evening, stays the night and stays all day the next day. Technically it's only about 48 hours in a week but psychologically it feels like more because it's spread over 4 days. The other has her boyfriend over practically every night.
NGL, I'd be a bit irritated at this frequency in normal times because I basically never get to have some alone time in the house but in a pandemic I find this annoying and inconsiderate as shit. I don't know where you live OP but it is most definitely breaking the pandemic rules where I am and neither of them give a shit, justifying it by talking about needing to see their SOs that much for their mental health. What about my mental health eh? I'm an introvert and I want some fucking alone time. If I can hear people talking or watching shit all the hours of the day I'm awake I don't feel like I'm alone even if we're not technically in the same room.
NGL, I'd be a bit irritated at this frequency in normal times because I basically never get to have some alone time in the house but in a pandemic I find this annoying and inconsiderate as shit. I don't know where you live OP but it is most definitely breaking the pandemic rules where I am and neither of them give a shit, justifying it by talking about needing to see their SOs that much for their mental health. What about my mental health eh? I'm an introvert and I want some fucking alone time. If I can hear people talking or watching shit all the hours of the day I'm awake I don't feel like I'm alone even if we're not technically in the same room.
This could still happen and would be an interesting twist! Maybe that's the real reason for all this tension?
Looking forward to season 2!
Seriously though, it does sound like something you should discuss calmly. And I think it's crucial for us to know whether OP also stays at his GF's place from time to time to balance things out a bit.
It's in your interest to have this resolved, as it is there's a bad vibe when she's over, it's uncomfortable for all involved.
This isn't about the bills, you should talk to your flatmate about a solution. You should consider when your flatmate has free time and when she is over (if it's at the same time that's a lot worse for them). The best thing would be if your girlfriend has her place, not only do you give your flatmate a break from her, you give them a break from you, it would count for a lot and it would make those times she is there that much easier. Have the conversation and be ready to make a concession because it sounds like the current setup is unfair, unless you live in a massive place.
This isn't about the bills, you should talk to your flatmate about a solution. You should consider when your flatmate has free time and when she is over (if it's at the same time that's a lot worse for them). The best thing would be if your girlfriend has her place, not only do you give your flatmate a break from her, you give them a break from you, it would count for a lot and it would make those times she is there that much easier. Have the conversation and be ready to make a concession because it sounds like the current setup is unfair, unless you live in a massive place.
Thanks, it was truly awful. Neither he nor his mother had very good hygiene! But if I'm being honest, despite their bad behaviour, we definitely contributed to it by not communicating boundaries clearly enough - we were resentful and quiet at the 4/5 day a week mark, and then we kept quiet, and then it got worse and we kept being resentful and quiet and letting it fester until the situation basically blew up and got really ugly.
So my sense is also that OP's roommate is doing them a kindness by being direct about it, and OP should make some adjustments to accommodate him. It's not like they need to ask every time she comes over - or never have her over at all - but it's clear that it's not working for him and he's not comfortable in his living space right now.
If she's always there when it's his days off, then yeah, I agree with the roommate. Can you agree that she won't be there every other weekend or something, as in the two of you will go to her place OP? If you can't agree on something like that it's time to move out. He's not being unreasonable if his days off always have someone who isn't paying rent there.
This is a personal situation to resolve that depends on the desires of both parties involved and there's no real objective standard.
People can share their preferences (with me, if people are contained pretty much exclusively within their rooms and there's no issues like noise/food/messes/etc, go nuts on having people over), but your roommate's preferences and how they align with yours is the only thing that matters at the end of the day.
People can share their preferences (with me, if people are contained pretty much exclusively within their rooms and there's no issues like noise/food/messes/etc, go nuts on having people over), but your roommate's preferences and how they align with yours is the only thing that matters at the end of the day.
I had a roomate whose GF was over all time told him that she was uncomfortable that I walked around the house without a shirt on (I'm a dude, if that matters). He brought this up to me and I basically told him to fuck off, that it was not her place and she doesn't get to dictate those kind of terms as a guest.
I don't feel I was being unreasonable as she was over all the fucking time and not chipping in for anything.
It's probably not about the money and more about the roommate feeling uncomfortable in the home because there is someone else over half the time and it's just a way of then showing that.
Also do you live in a rona riddled area OP? Can your room mate be concerned with someone coming over a lot with the pandemic going on?
Also do you live in a rona riddled area OP? Can your room mate be concerned with someone coming over a lot with the pandemic going on?
He got really angry at me too, like I was being disrespectful of both of them haha.
Financially I don't see the issue, pretty sure it's not the real reason either. He seems to be annoyed at having someone else stay over that often, invading his personal space and all that.
Tbh, shit like this should be one of the first things to talk about before you move in with a roommate. I personally don't see an issue with a SO staying over often, it's a pretty normal thing when you're with someone I'd say, but you really need to make sure that you're on the same page with your roommate on this from the very beginning and if you're not don't move in together.
Tbh, shit like this should be one of the first things to talk about before you move in with a roommate. I personally don't see an issue with a SO staying over often, it's a pretty normal thing when you're with someone I'd say, but you really need to make sure that you're on the same page with your roommate on this from the very beginning and if you're not don't move in together.
Wow, fuck the both of them.
Not really related, but I once lived in a house with 6 people where guests were literally always over, and when interviewing to get my room, the owner made sure I was okay with people potentially walking around naked, lol.
Clearly they're young and at extremely low risk. Don't think the pandemic enters into this at all.
Is he your roommate or your friend? Cuz he sounds like a friend.
I don't think so (although I was always called a house-ghost because I was either in my room with the door closed or out, and nobody was sure which was the case unless I came out for food/bathroom), but everyone was in their underwear all the time especially in the summer.
Couldn't OP theoretically sleep at his girlfriends place 3 nights a week and only sleep at his apartment 4/7 nights?
Pretty sure he would still have to pay rent. Not sure your logic holds up under even the most basic of scrutiny.
And where's the line? Would 5/7 nights be okay? 6/7?