Reverse information on “ They Didn’t Have Children and, Most Said, They Don’t Have Regrets”

[Deleted member 17092]

you likely wont feel it til you get older. for example i have a co worker friend who never had kids and got divorced in his 40s. he recently got into a bad car accident and hes been alone in the hospital for 2 weeks.

my dad on the other hand had a room full of grandkids after his car accident.

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I think there are a lot of variables here and as long as you have solid relationships with your siblings and friends and relatives and even coworkers this won't happen unless you've literally outlived everyone and at that point good for you.

 

[nightstalker962]

You can still drive a BMW or Mercedes and take nice vacations with a kid, just depends on your income.

 

[LewieP]

LoL. WTF.

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Obviously it's exaggerated to a violent degree there, but yeah I think if someone has kids they should probably be vegan + give up flights, or admit that they don't care about the environment or the future of the human race.

 

[Feep]

It bears mentioning that both sides are going to describe few regrets, because they *made the decision that would make then happiest*. The people who describe deep love for their children are likely the people who were open to being parents in the first place.

Those with regrets are likely those were were accidental parents or caught in a relationship that made them unhappy.

Don't expect a child to magically shift your thinking. It's possible, but if you're having trouble imagining being happy as a parent, I do not recommend that course.

 

[Kurdel]

I can see the appeal of not having kids when you are young / middle aged.

On the other hand, I've known dozens of old people with no children. As their bodies break down they don't have help. As their financial situation slowly deteriorates they don't have help. As they become lonely and depressed because their spouse died 8 years ago and they have no more family, they have no emotional support.

That's the idea that always haunts me when I think about not having any kids.

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I already hate it when people help me, I can't imagine the guilt I would feel for being a burden on my own children. My own parents are getting old, and I wouldn't want to make anyone do what I have to do for them.

Especially seeing how abusive and shitty they were growing up, and still are. I don't want to replicated any of that shit, so I would much rather avoid children alltogether.

More power to people who do and have had wonderful wholesome family experiences in their lives.

 

[BringBackSonics]

Obviously it's exaggerated to a violent degree there, but yeah I think if someone has kids they should probably be vegan + give up flights, or admit that they don't care about the environment or the future of the human race.

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[GatsGatsby]

I dont want kids I was concered my SO who said he never wants kids would change his mind while teaching small children in South Korea. Thankfully those kids made him hate kids more than ever so we're good.

I dont hate kids but theres more I want in my life and a child would get in the way. Also if I wanted a child I would only do it if I knew I could give it a better life than I had and I cant promise that.

 

[darz1]

im looking for specific regrets of people who have had them who are well past having them and numbers if that makes sense. I thought I made a pretty clear op but I guess not

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You are probably not going to find alot of people who have had kids who seriously regret it. And im not saying that there arent any or that parents never envy the freedom of the childless, just that they wouldnt be the majority, and most parents who have good relationships with their kids would not seriously regret having them.

 

[Deleted member 45211]

How can you possibly quantify such a human emotion? Yes, we are evolved enough to be able to think rationally, but most of our decisions are still made by our "lizard brain." It's asking a tool made to take many chemical stimuli and return a simplistic output (Run!, Hide, Eat, Fuck, Rest, Smile) to come up with a nuanced and intricate analysis of the pros and cons of a decision that we overwhelmingly likely don't have full control over, and then to rationalize said analysis.

"Studies" like this measure something very narrow, and that is "how did people answer this study?" Trying to draw any other conclusions is, I'd have to believe, useless.

 

[jack_package_200]

I like having money

 

[Pomerlaw]

Yeah I drive a shittier car but I got to see my daughter's joy just now after I lit our Jack-o'-lantern so it evens out.

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:)

Oh the old days I cared about my car...

Anyway OP think about it. You are on an internet forum asking for evidence you should not have kids. To me the greatest evidence you should not have them is exactly this thread. You are either not ready or not up for it, and it is fine.

You can't really understand how it feels unless you have them. I do know how it's like to not have kids though. Just like you can't truly understand pain & love, despair and joy, unless you truly felt them deep in your heart. I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but it's true. The biggest learning in life imo is that nothing can truly replace experience.

 

[JeTmAn]

If you didn't have kids it's not like you actually know what you're missing; you never had that experience. And it goes the other way as well. But no matter the choice, people tend to justify whichever way they went.

 

[Ocean Bones]

It took millions of years of evolution and mating to produce a creature that says "what's in it for me?"

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Evolution still working as intended.

 

[disillusion386]

I'm kind of curious about your intention with this thread. Are you actually looking for studies or are you looking for validation that you've made the right decision in choosing not to have kids?

Also, the way you've described your parent colleagues seems very superficial. What if they just don't care about cars? What if they don't like traveling at all? People can like and prioritize different things.

 

[Deleted member 17092]

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Yeah brah even though we're in an environmentally critical state let's post memes over peoples decisions to do what they can to stop that.

i honestly Couldn't even respond to the post in here about how hey my kid is gonna be a genius that changes the whole damn world

ridiculous

 

[BringBackSonics]

Yeah brah even though we're in an environmentally critical state let's post memes over peoples decisions to do what they can to stop that.

i honestly Couldn't even respond to the post in here about how hey my kid is gonna be a genius that changes the whole damn world

ridiculous

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He's saying other parents has to do xyz for the world if they decide to have kids, not that was what he was doing (and if he was, good on him).

Is it such a horrible thing to raise good, kind hearted children that care about the world and each other? How is that ridiculous?

 

[Deleted member 17092]

I'm kind of curious about your intention with this thread. Are you actually looking for studies or are you looking for validation that you've made the right decision in choosing not to have kids?

Also, the way you've described your parent colleagues seems very superficial. What if they just don't care about cars? What if they don't like traveling at all? People can like and prioritize different things.

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i am looking for studies and numbers and as I said in the op I think it's interesting it seems like there are none

 

[Veliladon]

I'm 36, wife is 45, no kids, no regrets.

 

[Lord Fagan]

I'm only gonna raise children if I can one day afford it.

And if I can't afford it, oh well.

 

[disillusion386]

i am looking for studies and numbers and as I said in the op I think it's interesting it seems like there are none

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Why is it interesting? Based on your OP and your responses in this thread, you don't seem to be the type of person who would be swayed by people's regrets or lack thereof. So why does it matter to you?

 

[amusix]

I know some people who regret having kids. What should be clear is that they don't regret the existence of the child, but, if they regret the burden and responsibility that comes with having a kid. Most of them feel that they would have simply waited another 5 years or so before having kids, but some acknowledge that the joy of parenthood has not outweighed the stress of parenthood.

Personally, my wife and I chose not to have kids. It wasn't a 'we get more money' thing, as we're very comfortable in that area, but more of deciding that neither of us were seeking what it would add to our lives. We have set up a policy to ensure that we will be taken care of, something my brothers and sisters haven't had to think about.

 

[Deleted member 17092]

He's saying other parents has to do xyz for the world if they decide to have kids, not that was what he was doing (and if he was, good on him)

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sure I maybe pushed a little what was said but that kid is 100% gonna do more harm than good for the environment and it's silly to say otherwise especially when so many say the same shit. You're actually concerned about about the environment you can do just as much or more than you're kid can. It's ridiculous.

 

[Dark Knight]

I wish life were longer, along with more time to decide on having kids.

Because I think I might want them someday, but at 32 I feel no where near ready and probably won't until it's too late. I just need more time to myself.

 

[LewieP]

He's saying other parents has to do xyz for the world if they decide to have kids, not that was what he was doing (and if he was, good on him)

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No I said that if people choose to have kids they have two options:

1. be vegan and give up flights.
2. admit they don't care about the environment or the future of the human race.

Simply because I think it's a logical fallacy to claim to care about the environment or the future of the human race whilst having children, eating meat and making flights.

I think option 2 is a valid choice, and wouldn't mandate doing "xyz for the world", but the secret third choice that I think lots of people make is "hypocrisy".

 

[Deleted member 17092]

Why is it interesting? Based on your OP and your responses in this thread, you don't seem to be the type of person who would be swayed by people's regrets or lack thereof. So why does it matter to you?

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because the numbers and hard evidence might sway me and others. Aka the point of the thread. Me and others are only supposed to rely on the anecdotal stories of current parents of yes it's great to have kids?

seems to me in any other debate you rely on numbers. And even in this forum you get shouted at for anecdotes.

why do you think this is any different?

 

[Amiablepercy]

Having kids is a personal decision and the only thing that annoys me is people implying that either side of the decision is wrong.

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This.

 

[Poimandres]

So the benefits of not having kids is... You can consume more? Eh, that might not bring you lasting meaning/happiness. Having kids might not provide any fulfillment either, but that's one of the commonly claimed benefits.

Personally I can see positives and negatives. Life is full of choices, and there's usually a balance of gain/loss for everything. So yeah, I'll report back next year after the birth of my first child and see how I feel then!

 

[h1nch]

I like having money

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For me it's freedom (which money helps with)

A requirement for me in life is to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want (within the bounds of the law and reason of course) and having children seems like...the literal antithesis of this goal.

If I could find a way to reconcile those two I'd consider it. So far all I can come up with is to be rich enough to be able to hire a full time nanny to offload a chunk of the day to day responsibility.

 

[RPGam3r]

OP you don't need data or studies. You need to have a serious conversation (and maybe you have already) with your SO and make a decision based on what you want. I thought the same as you at one time (I was also 30) and my wife talked with me about it. For me, I was never happier to be wrong about wanting to have kids. It can be tough, but damn the payoff is so sweet.

I'm not blind to some of the difficulties like travel, but we also only had one kid intentionally so that we could still plan that stuff in without it being as big of a deal.

To be honest my two dogs are more of a hassle to my travel than my daughter, its not even close.

 

[Deleted member 17092]

This.

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agree

 

[Randomly Generated]

Yeah it's sad to see old lonely folks.

It's not really selfish, it's a part of life. I sacrificed everything to raise my kids and one day I'm going to be a busted old clown. Can I at least get a ride to the doctor?

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It's also sad to see old people whose kids barely want anything to do with them until they die and get inheritance.

 

[Elrid]

Don't todays children already have enough burden? Now you want them to take care of you?

 

[Powdered Egg]

It's also sad to see old people whose kids barely want anything to do with them until they die and get inheritance.

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That's usually the parents fault from what I've seen.

 

[Deleted member 5334]

So I kinda read the OP and skimmed a little bit of the topic, so I may be misunderstanding something, so apologizes if I am.

For everyone, it's gonna be different and it's really a personal choice ultimately. Doesn't make you a bad person inherently for not wanting kids or anything like that. Don't worry having to feel you need to seek validation as to why you want or don't want kids. If you guys are happy about it at the end of the day, you're good. That's important.

Some people don't have kids, and that's perfectly okay. Some other people also made it a personal choice to adopt and rescue animals and to them, that's more than enough and to them, those are their children. That's also valid. Whatever you're choice, you're good. Just don't ever force yourself into a decision because people push you to. If that's not what you want, then ultimately that's what's probably for best of all parties.

 

[2PiR]

It took millions of years of evolution and mating to produce a creature that says "what's in it for me?"

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thats part of the evolution

 

[Deleted member 17092]

It's also sad to see old people whose kids barely want anything to do with them until they die and get inheritance.

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100

 

[Deleted member 17092]

Don't todays children already have enough burden? Now you want them to take care of you?

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ok I lol at this

 

[jack_package_200]

I also have family history of Alzheimers, heart disease, and several forms of cancer.

Feels kinda shitty to pass that on to any future children.

 

[Elrid]

Honestly having kids is amazing! I have two and love them to death! Would of had more if I could of supported more. That said I would never put a burden on them.

 

[ascii42]

No I said that if people choose to have kids they have two options:

1. be vegan and give up flights.
2. admit they don't care about the environment or the future of the human race.

Simply because I think it's a logical fallacy to claim to care about the environment or the future of the human race whilst having children, eating meat and making flights.

I think option 2 is a valid choice, and wouldn't mandate doing "xyz for the world", but the secret third choice that I think lots of people make is "hypocrisy".

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If everyone stopped having kids there won't be much of a future for the human race either.

 

[disillusion386]

because the numbers and hard evidence might sway me and others. Aka the point of the thread. Me and others are only supposed to rely on the anecdotal stories of current parents of yes it's great to have kids?

seems to me in any other debate you rely on numbers. And even in this forum you get shouted at for anecdotes.

why do you think this is any different?

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But that's the thing though, I don't think you're really interested in actual hard evidence based on your OP and responses. You just want to justify your choice, mention why your life is better for not having kids, dunk on parents for their choice, and pretend that you might be swayed. Basically, I think this thread was made in bad faith since your only evidence for child-free happiness is an NYT article featuring one poll and a bunch of anecdotal responses in it. You just want additional validation from other non-parents of ERA.

 

[Plywood]

I want kids
To take care of me when I'm old

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What a nice thought, to be someones burden.

 

[jon bones]

i am 34 and have a one year old daughter, and for all the fancy gadgets i bought myself as a young man, trips to paris and expensive clothes - not one of those brings me more joy than coming home to her at the end of my day

not everyone should be a parent - it requires a certain amount of selflessness that not everyone is capable of - but life is much more fulfilling with children

 

[henhowc]

My occasional interactions with my nieces sometimes make me think about it. Then I have to babysit for a full day and that's enough to dissuade me lol

 

[Heromanz]

What a nice thought, to be someones burden.

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Oh yeah I'm going to be old

 

[Deleted member 17092]

I also have family history of Alzheimers, heart disease, and several forms of cancer.

Feels kinda shitty to pass that on to any future children.

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see I have same, but most people would say so doesn't everyone?

I guess probably relevant but it's pretty personal I have survived Hodgkin's lymphoma and have celiac. I will Never post anything about cancer again because it is so difficult. Like I'm crying as I make this post. I'm 31 and had to do full chemo and rad.

 

[Plywood]

Oh yeah I'm going to be old

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lol, rock on

 

[Coleslaw]

Hey guys, you know what we could really use? More people.

 

[Bakercat]

I always just assumed once you have a kid something clicks in your thought process. Who knows...

I don't plan on having any biological children, but I'm up for adopting later.

 

[pigeon]

yeah it's honestly kind of hard to frame, by reverse information I specifically mean the reverse of people who are older who didn't have kids and don't have regrets. So I'd like to see the same information positive or Negative from older people who had them and did have kids

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we have a kid and it's great? strong recommend?