Okay, I've written and deleted this like three or four times now...
Last year I came to the realization I am some variety of non-binary; something akin to bigender or genderfluid. Neither of those are quite right, but gets you in the same neighborhood where I live. It's been a lot to unpack, and I've been climbing a hierarchy on introspection ever since about what I'm allowed to identify as. I've already gone through "Am I non-binary enough? Am I trans enough? Am I queer enough?" and I think all that's left is "Am I female enough?"
And I have to be honest, this is a hurdle higher than the rest. I don't... girl good. Part of that is just the weight of years of lack of experience, part of that is the "Why bother?" factor of knowing no one is going to take someone with my frame and features for a woman. The biggest factor though is I can't ever shake the feeling I'm guilty of some sort of gender appropriation, especially since the other half of the equation is that I still identify as male in spite of everything else (well, mostly. I've never felt all the way "there" on that, but that's a different discussion). I've never been harassed, I've never been mansplained to, I've never been called shrill, etc. I'm acutely aware of how much of my life is owed to being (outwardly) a straight white male, and I feel like I'm trying to buy my way in because I wear a little makeup and have some clothes from Torrid I stole from my wife.
I guess I didn't really have a conclusion to all of that. Hi ladies.