imho playing racing sims on a controller without assists is "easier" than with a wheel as it is way more forgiving.
to me it sounds like you're doing a lot of basic things wrong and have to learn them first.
dont try to replicate hot laps of other people as you dont know what they re doing yet.
check out stuff like iracings driving school
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- drive without a racing line. learn how to read and remember tracks. focus on apex and braking points.
check out youtube for answers. this should cover the apex topic and you need to understand why you want to get out fast of a corner. not bomb into it.
Your OP sounds as if you miss braking points and cornering speed. at the end you only want to turn in once into a corner and hit the throttle once to speed out of it. (that part is never going to be smooth on a controller. but still: thats the goal)
- braking
you can keep ABS on until you have learned how to break. you only want to brake into a corner without turning in. so you either brake or you turn in / hit the throttle and not everything simultaneously. later you'll learn stuff like trail braking but before that you have to understand car physics.
- understand car physics and what weight transfer does (like this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX4euX-1rug)
in short: the reason why you dont slam on the input but try to be smooth
of course there is a lot more to it, but usually these points will cover a big chunk.
it is a lot of learning, failing and practicing at first but keep in mind: you're learning the tracks only once and they're for every other game out there aswell. plus, once you get the driving basics right you're able to jump into any "sim" game right away. event though all of them interpret nuances of physics differently they rely on basic car physics.
edit
As a driver of cars with manual transmission in real life, I just do not understand how manually shifting gears works in video games since half of the art of shifting gears is the physical feeling you get during the car's deceleration.
So more power to you op for trying it in a game.
its not about physical feeling its about having the right torque/revs at the right time. same as in real life.