Paternity Leave - How Much To Take?

[DarkWish]

My wife and I are expecting our first baby at the end of November. Through my employer, I get up to 12 weeks of FMLA, which I could use for "paternity leave". My current job is constantly busy, as I work for a large health system in the US and I lead a team in providing data and analytics for the system, specifically for our employed physicians. I'm awaiting an official managerial title that is in the approval process, so that my lead role will be more formalized officially as the team's "manager". All this to say, it's always busy and I am receiving more responsibilities, and I fear being away from the workplace for too long. I'm not worried about the pay, because I can use PTO to get paid during this time and I'll have about 6 weeks of PTO saved up by this point. My parents also live with us and they're both retired and can help with the baby as well, so I do have that support. But this is our first baby, and I do want to be there and help raise him.

So my question is, what would be an appropriate amount of FMLA to take? How much paternity leave have you all taken when you've had a new baby? I don't need the full 12 weeks. But is 4 weeks reasonable, or more/less? I feel like there's a stigma sometimes in "paternity leave" so I'm just struggling with how much time off is generally considered acceptable?

EDIT: I should also add that I can stagger the 12 weeks, it doesn't have to be continuous. So I've also thought about taking a few weeks up front and then maybe a couple days a week for a while after that.

EDIT2: Also, I am working from home now because of COVID and they've announced this is pretty much a long term thing as they're send us computers to use at home. So wanted to mention that in case that's a factor.

 

[Wilson]

As much as you can afford to. You will appreciate it later when you're working, your wife will appreciate having you around and work doesn't care about you.

 

[captive]

Take the 12 weeks. You never get that time back.

 

[Septimus Prime]

Can you take intermittent leave? You should probably take a few weeks to start, then see if you can do one off, one on, or something.

 

[DarkWish]

Can you take intermittent leave? You should probably take a few weeks to start, then see if you can do one off, one on, or something.

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Yes, I just edited my post about that since I forgot. But I was toying around with that idea, of taking a few weeks up front and then maybe a day or two off a week or something.

 

[Shokunin]

Those initial 3 months with our first child were some of the greatest memories my spouse and I have shared.

The work will always be there. Take as much time as you are possibly allowed.

 

[lt519]

I took 2 weeks PTO and then was dying to get back into work :)

A lot of my employees spread their FMLA out over several weeks. I have one employee right now that took off 2 weeks initially and is taking every Monday off through FMLA and has been since July. I think that is really the ideal situation and something I wish I had done.

 

[Absoludacrous]

I would say at the minimum 2-3. Ideally 4-6, if you think you can get away with it.

 

[Camwi]

Yes, I just edited my post about that since I forgot. But I was toying around with that idea, of taking a few weeks up front and then maybe a day or two off a week or something.

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Do that, especially since you have help with your parents. I think I took three weeks with just my wife and I, and I can't fucking imagine moms having to do that shit by themselves. It's fucking ROUGH.

The job stuff you're talking about can't be ignored, either.

 

[GeoGonzo]

Take all of it. Taking any less only helps perpetuate babies as something mothers have to take care of on their own.

 

[captive]

The only thing about staggering FMLA specifically is you cant it even answer emails when on FMLA if you get caught doing work your employer can get in big trouble and IIRC I believe they could fire you for it.

 

[amon37]

I took 6 weeks I think. As others have said take as much as you can

 

[Trevelyan]

Never put work ahead of your family. Please take the full 12 weeks. I had 12 weeks and still took a leave of absence for 2 more months to spend with both my children after they were born.

 

[Aisod]

Since you are working from home, I would take 3-4 weeks off. I can't imagine being out of my role for 12 weeks. I just had a kid 4 months ago and as the lead of my team I took off 3 weeks for parental leave and when I came back the team seriously accomplished about 1 weeks worth of work.

 

[Foltzie]

Based on your above comments it sounds like the paternity leave is unpaid. So take what you can afford to take, though with you working from home you may not need to take six weeks unpaid.

To be frank a father holding a child on a call is much less likely to solicit any sort of negative feedback than if a mother has a child on a call, as completely unfair as that is to the mother.

 

[dtcm83]

I took 3 weeks for my first child, 4 for my second (just recently during pandemic remote work). Both times I wanted to take more but felt pressure to get back to work on the many projects I'm leading, as lots of things had to be put on hold during my absence. If I have a third child, I'm telling myself I want 6-8 weeks, and I think if anyone out there is taking leave you should not take less than 4 weeks. That time is important to support your partner/family and to bond with your child. Trust me, you won't get that time back, so use it while you can.

 

[Chopchop]

What I did was take a few weeks of PTO to handle delivery and the first few weeks of child care, and then as many months as I could of parental leave near the end of my wife's maternity leave. That way she went back to work when my kid was a few months old (which was good for her mind, since having no adults to talk to besides me for months really bugged her), and then I left work to be my kid's main caregiver for a few months.

I suggest taking as much parental leave as you can, all in a big chunk if possible so that you can focus on your family full-time instead of being constantly pulled in multiple directions. I get that your job is busy and you always feel like you need to be there, but work will always try to step over personal time if it can, and it will always benefit your employer over you. This is an incredibly stressful and tiring time for your wife (and you too), and if you want to be there for them, I think it's best to try to commit to it and prioritize them over work. It's also probably the longest amount of uninterrupted time you'll get to spend with your kid that you'll ever get, since all other times you get to spend with your kid after this will have to be balanced with things like work vacation time. I wouldn't give that up just because of work.

I don't think it's a good idea to stagger your work and home time like you suggested, unless you're absolutely sure that your mind won't be thinking about work while you're at home. Child care is a full-time job, especially in the weeks immediately after birth, and it's going to be hard enough just worrying about your family during those first few months without juggling family worries with work worries. If your work is the type that requires you to constantly check mails or answer questions while at home (or worse, the sort that randomly pulls you away to "do this small thing" remotely while you're at home), it can be frustrating for your wife because she won't be able to rely on you to get uninterrupted help, since your work may pop in and get your attention at any time.

 

[BloodHound]

All of it.

 

[Xando]

I'll take 2 months and my wife will take a year or one and a half years.

 

[AndyD]

Can you take intermittent leave? You should probably take a few weeks to start, then see if you can do one off, one on, or something.

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If this is available, it's a great option.

 

[captive]

Since you are working from home, I would take 3-4 weeks off. I can't imagine being out of my role for 12 weeks. I just had a kid 4 months ago and as the lead of my team I took off 3 weeks for parental leave and when I came back the team seriously accomplished about 1 weeks worth of work.

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None of which is your problem.

I seriously don't get this attitude. Your employer would not hesitate to drop your assess at the drop of a hat.

 

[julian]

Take a few weeks at the start (or more depending on your wife's recovery), and then take a few weeks toward the end. I wouldn't split it up too much. At my old job it got kind of annoying finding the time and it was easier to request one big chunk than splitting it up. But if they don't limit how often you stagger, you could take every Friday for long weekends or Wednesday so you don't have more than two work days in a row. Take your days!

 

[DarkWish]

What I did was take a few weeks of PTO to handle delivery and the first few weeks of child care, and then as many months as I could of parental leave near the end of my wife's maternity leave. That way she went back to work when my kid was a few months old (which was good for her mind, since having no adults to talk to besides me for months really bugged her), and then I left work to be my kid's main caregiver for a few months.

I suggest taking as much parental leave as you can, all in a big chunk if possible so that you can focus on your family full-time instead of being constantly pulled in multiple directions. I get that your job is busy and you always feel like you need to be there, but work will always try to step over personal time if it can, and it will always benefit your employer over you. This is an incredibly stressful and tiring time for your wife, and if you want to be there for them, I think it's best to try to commit to it and prioritize them over work. It's also probably the longest amount of uninterrupted time you'll get to spend with your kid that you'll ever get, since all other times you get to spend with your after this will have to be balanced with things like work vacation time. I wouldn't give that up just because of work.

I don't think it's a good idea to stagger your work and home time like you suggested, unless you're absolutely sure that your mind won't be thinking about work while you're at home. Child care is a full-time job, especially in the weeks immediately after birth, and it's going to be hard enough just worrying about your family during those first few months without juggling family worries with work worries. If your work is the type that requires you to constantly check mails or answer questions while at home (or worse, the sort that randomly pulls you away to "do this small thing" remotely while you're at home), it can be frustrating for your wife because she won't be able to rely on you to get uninterrupted help, since your work may pop in and get your attention at any time.

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All good points. That's not a bad idea to take it in big chunks rather than a few days here and there. Like you said, doing a few weeks up front and then perhaps a few weeks around when she has to go back to work. Big enough chunks of time that I'm not preoccupied as much, but then also being there for my wife and son.

 

[fanboi]

Damn. As a Swede and only getting 12 weeks of paternity leave is insanity to me.

 

[Huncho_Houdini]

Its only 12 weeks, take it all.

Damn. As a Swede and only getting 12 weeks of paternity leave is insanity to me.

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He's lucky to be getting any at all.

 

[DirtyLarry]

As much as you can afford to. You will appreciate it later when you're working, your wife will appreciate having you around and work doesn't care about you.

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I wholeheartedly agree with Wilson here.

I get you are trying to do the right thing by your company, especially with the potential promotion coming up.
But make no mistake about it, I bolded the end of Wilson's comment as it is 110% the reality of the situation.
They are not worried about doing the right thing. They are worried about the bottom line. You are simply a cog in the machine that helps them achieve that bottom line.
Never-mind the fact that if you are truly an essential employee to them, the longer you are gone the more you will be missed. So it actually as strange and counterintuitive as it may sound to your advantage in that regard as well if you truly are indispensable.


I would also make the case that your first kid is only born once. Take what they give.

 

[Aisod]

None of which is your problem.

I seriously don't get this attitude. Your employer would not hesitate to drop your assess at the drop of a hat.

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Some people are driven and take pride in their work product along with various accomplishments in life. Could my employer drop my ass? Well of course.. Is it likely? Not really.

I guess I don't get your attitude, but to each their own.

 

[boxter432]

AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND MORE

 

[BringBackSonics]

I took 8 weeks for both of my kids. I *could* have taken 12 weeks, however my banked sick/pto leave was all used up.

I took more time than my wife did (who went back to work in 6 weeks, because she did not get maternity leave..she had our children in the summer - She is a teacher)

 

[Zoe]

Stagger it in chunks to help your wife make the transition at the end of her leave.

 

[Random Painted Highway]

Considering you're work from home and you have grandparents to assist, I would take 2 weeks off now and then the last week of december/first week of january. Of course, I can't being out of work for more than that time, as my wife has long maternity leaves through her work. We have child 3 due in March, depending on my work load and scheduling due to the pandemic work pile-up, it will likely be 1 week off and random days that I just wfh without triggering FMLA leave. FMLA leave where I've worked is something to be avoided due to all the red tape. If I have the sick hours, why jump through those hoops.

 

[Torpedo Vegas]

I get up to 12 weeks of FMLA

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That much.

 

[DBT85]

As much as you can early on. I was off for 2 months and didn't want to go back to work.

In your position maybe take 6 weeks and then go back to work 3 days a week or something.

Without question use up every last hour you can. You don't get the time back that you missed while stressing about some dumb email or a deadline someone else could be stressing about.

Take the time, look after your partner and child as much as you can because before long you'll be back at work and might just feel like shit if she's sat at home with a child and having a hard time of it. There are days when it's really hard, and then whole weeks where you think your child is a literal angel.

 

[Dougald]

I'm getting two weeks at £300 a week in January, the UK govt and my employer suck for paternity

Take everything you're entitled to.

 

[Pluto]

Take the full 12 weeks, you'll never get a second chance to spend the first few months with your child.

 

[yyr]

Take all of what you're allowed.

You mentioned that you can stagger it. Here's what I did: I worked 2 days a week for a while and took the rest as leave. It allowed me to spread my leave over a longer period of time, and I was never truly out of work. If you're allowed to do that, I highly recommend it.

 

[tangeu]

Not sure if you want an outsider perspective, so skip if you don't, I'm not looking to ruffle feathers just an experience from the other side:

Take as much as you can, your coworkers might resent you but take it all. I work with a guy who has 7 kids and the 8th is on the way, he gets a free extra 10 weeks off every time and I get to do all his work on top of all mine as well as no extra compensation or time off or anything because my wife and I choose not to spawn like rabbits. Like, I can't blame the guy but I wish I could at least get something, maybe negotiate a different benefit because I'll never use paternity leave. So take as much time off as you can but maybe at least say thanks to whomever is picking up your work, I don't even get that.

 

[Ultima_5]

hows this even a question. all of it. why would you even consider going back early. the kids only going to be a baby for a little bit. work will be there until you retire.

 

[ShapeDePapa]

I had 5 weeks off and I used them all at once. You could do that and take a week off every other week? I think it's important to be there during the first weeks though.

 

[GeoGonzo]

hows this even a question. all of it. why would you even consider going back early. the kids only going to be a baby for a little bit. work will be there until you retire.

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Are we still doing avatar quote? Because.... avatar quote.

 

[BUNTING1243]

Take as much as you can. If your workplace is at all compassionate your team will understand. This is some really important time you will never get. If you really can't use it all at once at least stagger the full time.

 

[night814]

Take it all at first and make changes later if you guys are good and you're ready to get back to work

 

[Powdered Egg]

Your kid will always be there. You don't want to miss the first 3 months of your work! Take four days off max.

 

[captive]

Some people are driven and take pride in their work product along with various accomplishments in life. Could my employer drop my ass? Well of course.. Is it likely? Not really.

I guess I don't get your attitude, but to each their own.

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because the question in the OP is between your family and some people who pay you to do things.
your family, and in this case, your kids are the most important thing.

You can be "driven" and "take pride in your work" and not be a slave to the man. I learned a long time ago at my first job out of college, that it doesn't matter how good you are, how much you bust your ass, what you produce your employer doesn't care about you.

I was there almost 5 years, everyone knew me cause i was on helpdesk, i setup their accounts, computers, busted my ass. A new CIO came in and simply decided he didn't like me and both the client and company i worked for said ok, you can terminate him. Ive seen people literally die on the job and the company and all your "work friends" carry on like nothing happened. So yea, i can be good at my job but im not going to sacrifice my life for some company.

 

[Robochimp]

My wife and I are expecting our first baby at the end of November. Through my employer, I get up to 12 weeks of FMLA, which I could use for "paternity leave". My current job is constantly busy, as I work for a large health system in the US and I lead a team in providing data and analytics for the system, specifically for our employed physicians. I'm awaiting an official managerial title that is in the approval process, so that my lead role will be more formalized officially as the team's "manager". All this to say, it's always busy and I am receiving more responsibilities, and I fear being away from the workplace for too long. I'm not worried about the pay, because I can use PTO to get paid during this time and I'll have about 6 weeks of PTO saved up by this point. My parents also live with us and they're both retired and can help with the baby as well, so I do have that support. But this is our first baby, and I do want to be there and help raise him.

So my question is, what would be an appropriate amount of FMLA to take? How much paternity leave have you all taken when you've had a new baby? I don't need the full 12 weeks. But is 4 weeks reasonable, or more/less? I feel like there's a stigma sometimes in "paternity leave" so I'm just struggling with how much time off is generally considered acceptable?

EDIT: I should also add that I can stagger the 12 weeks, it doesn't have to be continuous. So I've also thought about taking a few weeks up front and then maybe a couple days a week for a while after that.

EDIT2: Also, I am working from home now because of COVID and they've announced this is pretty much a long term thing as they're send us computers to use at home. So wanted to mention that in case that's a factor.

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Also work in healthcare and I took my full 12 weeks both times. It's time you'll never have again. My wife took her leave, I took 2-3 weeks at the beginning and used my 9-10 weeks after my wife's leave was up.

I think I inspired and empowered other male coworkers to take more than they would have otherwise.

 

[Listai]

Not a parent but as someone involved in employment law all I can say is take the maximum amount. Men are (at least in my jurisdiction) not taking their full entitlements for reasons similar to those you've posted.

People have fought tooth and nail for these entitlements - use this time, you won't get it back.

 

[fanboi]

Its only 12 weeks, take it all.


He's lucky to be getting any at all.

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:( sad

 

[Rsinart]

I agree take as much time as you can. they are not little for long.

 

[captive]

Damn. As a Swede and only getting 12 weeks of paternity leave is insanity to me.

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you probably already know this, but its unpaid too. You have to use PTO on top of it to get paid or if your company is extra nice they'll give you some money during FMLA.

 

[fanboi]

you probably already know this, but its unpaid too. You have to use PTO on top of it to get paid or if your company is extra nice they'll give you some money during FMLA.

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Holy hell. Didn't know.

* Hugs my tax bracket *