Hell yeah, I dont want to host but if another family wants to, I'm all for it (my first grader daughter might be going to her first one in january in fact)
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Parents: Sleepovers for 6-7 yr olds at friend’s house - yea or nay?
- Thread starter Deleted member 19844
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This makes zero sense, though. I was specifically talking about the case of you offering to host, and only allow it then. You can't say "It feels like they're too young." while still allowing it. You're essentially calling other parents bad parents in that case, because they have the audacity to allow it, and you're the only logical one in your mind.
Yes, there is shitty parenting. I'll admit we've been incredibly liberal with our kids in terms of being open and honest, allowing them space to actually curse without ramifications (not the 3yo, lol), having actual real conversations about sex when each of our older ones turned 13. Some people would say that's "shitty parenting." Our 13yo identifies as gender fluid and asexual, and we support them. For some? Shitty parenting. Our 18yo is on the autism spectrum, so there were times when he was younger when we were in a store and he'd have a fit about something. As parents, we knew the only way to let him calm down fastest was to just let him work through it. I'm sure some people, who had absolutely zero insight as to what was going on or our situation, thought we were "shitty parents." Maybe a parent yells at their kid when they're in line to see Santa Claus because the kid is acting out, and someone thinks that is shitty parenting.
True shitty parenting is abusive behavior whenever a kid makes a minor infraction that in no way requires discipline, and ignoring the child most other times, all stemming from a parent seeing their child as an inconvenience rather than a treasure. That's actual shitty parenting. Having been a parent for 18 years, and having lived in the Midwest, West Coast, East Coast, and now Texas during that time, the number of actual shitty parents is far less than the number of parents that love and cherish their children.
User warned: hostility
OP I'm not saying this to be mean, but you sound kind of like a deuche. Not only because of your paranoia but because of your general attitude in this thread. I've gotten the barest whiff of your personality and I already resent you.
OP
OP
Oh, I'm sorry, I misread your post. Thinking about it, you're right — that's not a sustainable / explainable approach. I'll have to go with no sleepovers until you're 8 or 9. At that point I'll be more confident of their self-advocacy and confidence.
OP
OP
Why are you saying it if not to be mean? In what context would going up to someone you know so little about and saying that they're a bit of a douche and that you resent them based on the barest whiff of their personality be anything but mean.
You disagree with me, fair enough - in general I'm in the minority in this thread. Don't take the time out to make it personal and then couch it with "I don't say this to be mean."
If you don't know the friend's parents, to feel comfortable enough for your kid to stay over, then I wouldn't. Does your social circle feel differently? (They don't trust the frirend's parents, but still would be okay letting their child spend a night?)
Seems kind of strange to me
OP
OP
Okay, since multiple people are saying this: What is it that comes across as smugness? (I ask because I don't want to come across this way.)
Yeah sorry that was a bit harsh. I just mean that I had the type of parents that would make their kids miserable, and they considered it good parenting because of the fact. I think it's a common parenting technique that's a whole different topic that a thread could probably be made about. You kind of give off those vibes.
OP
OP
Generally it's either "sleepovers are cool and awesome, no worries" or "no way, sleepovers are weird and you never know about people."
OP
OP
Thanks for replying and explaining why. I get where you're coming from and I don't want to be that kind of parent, so I'm trying to find a balance. I mentioned this above in the thread: I think once they're 8 or 9 if it's the norm for their friend group, then I think we'll have to go with it and deal with my own anxieties.
I think there is a fair middle ground in there. Like some other people mentioned, If you have met the child (good kid?), their mannerisms etc. Meeting the parents (reasonable parents) etc. If everything feels OK, then I would likely allow my 6-7 year old to spend the night. But to answer the poll question, generally I would be open to it.
There isn't any difference with your first example (Going to a kids house after school). But the playground? There are no other adults strangers there..unless they are on approved parent list (usually volunteers) and or school staff on the field.
Nah, I am not letting my boy stay over anyone's house at that age - I just don't trust them as you stated OP. Just because our kids go to the same school and they see each other everyday doesn't mean I trust the parents.
I stay in a really good area and I am still hesitant on the thought.
I stay in a really good area and I am still hesitant on the thought.
Depends on the parents. We definitely have parents who we would trust with sleepovers and some we would not. It does not need to be universal.
And our kids have been at sleepovers, or had them at our house, since they were 3-4, essentially once potty trained. A good number of their friends have all been together since the days of daycare, and their parents are some of our best friends.
And our kids have been at sleepovers, or had them at our house, since they were 3-4, essentially once potty trained. A good number of their friends have all been together since the days of daycare, and their parents are some of our best friends.
Y'all are making sleepovers sound so political and serious lol.
OP, I see where you are coming from. Immigrant family here too and my mom had the same rules, she'd host but not allow us to sleepover. We were only allowed to sleepover our cousins house. I don't feel like my social life was damaged at all by not going to sleepovers.
I'm more open-minded than my parents were but it's not something I'm thrilled about. Keep in mind, as pointed out, sexual abusers will most likely be family. I already know who I'm not ever leaving the kids alone with for a second.
OP, I see where you are coming from. Immigrant family here too and my mom had the same rules, she'd host but not allow us to sleepover. We were only allowed to sleepover our cousins house. I don't feel like my social life was damaged at all by not going to sleepovers.
I'm more open-minded than my parents were but it's not something I'm thrilled about. Keep in mind, as pointed out, sexual abusers will most likely be family. I already know who I'm not ever leaving the kids alone with for a second.
I have to know the parents.
My daughter has asked to stay at a couple girls' houses, but their parents....yikes...LOL. I've offered to let them come stay at our home for a sleep-over. Both kids' parents are suspect/iffy. One of her friends seems to be pretty well behaved, the other is a bit wild.
We have a few friends with kids that I'm fine with them sleeping over with, but they've never asked. 🤷♂️ Only my oldest has asked, and of course it has to be the weird/crazy people.
(Being "abused" isn't really my concern though, that's not what I'd worry about with these parents)
My daughter has asked to stay at a couple girls' houses, but their parents....yikes...LOL. I've offered to let them come stay at our home for a sleep-over. Both kids' parents are suspect/iffy. One of her friends seems to be pretty well behaved, the other is a bit wild.
We have a few friends with kids that I'm fine with them sleeping over with, but they've never asked. 🤷♂️ Only my oldest has asked, and of course it has to be the weird/crazy people.
(Being "abused" isn't really my concern though, that's not what I'd worry about with these parents)
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Shooting down the first few responses probably wasn't a great way to start the discussion.
Are you not friends with any of your kid's friends parents, or have friends with kids the same age? Might be a good jumping off point for a sleepover.
I said no in the poll, but I'm not really a hard no. For me it all depends on how well I know the parents, so if the house they are staying at is a family member or close family friend I'm okay with it. But in terms of new friends my daughter makes at school and I don't know the parents for shit? That's a hard no until I've personally hung out with the parents/guardians and am familiar with the environment my child would be staying the night in at that age.
Wait, the kid can't stay at a friends house even during the day?
Not at 6-7 but older yes, they can visit their friends or have them visit, actually my 7 year old has started doing this, but i think he's too young for a sleep over
If I were a parent I would like to meet the other parents and make a judgment call and then maybe the kid can sleep over.
But I'm biased to say yes because when I was 15 I was gonna sleep over at a friends house and my parents told me I couldn't. It was such bullshit. I'm still bitter about that. Over 20 years later.
But I'm biased to say yes because when I was 15 I was gonna sleep over at a friends house and my parents told me I couldn't. It was such bullshit. I'm still bitter about that. Over 20 years later.
It's not a clear yes or no situation.
It all depends on the child, age of the kids, how well you know the parents, how comfortable you're with their level of care, how many kids are going to be there, how far is the sleepover from your house.
If all those boxes are ticked (whatever other concerns you may have) then it would be OK.
It all depends on the child, age of the kids, how well you know the parents, how comfortable you're with their level of care, how many kids are going to be there, how far is the sleepover from your house.
If all those boxes are ticked (whatever other concerns you may have) then it would be OK.
We have left our kid over a friend's home during the day, but the parents and I were very cool before hand.
"Your children can come here but my children can't go there"
Like you and your kids are somehow better than the other families
It's entirely possible I'm biased by my own son's (7) ability to communicate but I went with in general, no. Really close friends and family, at 7 probably, 6 is borderline even then for me.
I'm a pretty good judge of character, so meeting the parents a couple times would be enough for me. Sleepovers were a huge highlight of my youth, even though I got homesick real easy as a kiddo, eventually getting over it and having a blast with my friend(s) for a whole night was fucking awesome.
I just think it is a really sad world we live in where people have such distrust for other humans that children are no longer allowed to do fun things with their friends because we are so scared another parent would hurt them. Where a child cannot sleep over at their best friends house for 1 night because the parents might be rapists or serial killers.
6-7 is still relatively young and judging if they are ready for a sleepover is going to be a case-by-case situation. The talk about only allowing it if you can host is completely nuts though and I would argue is more indicative of irresponsible parenting than good parenting. Be a normal person and help your child develop socially. You don't have to start with a sleepover. Let them hang out at their friend's house for an afternoon then pick them up and talk to them about how it went. Have a birthday party or another random event for your kid and invite their friends and parents. All of these things will help you determine if the other kid and parents are OK for your child to be around. And remember that no one is perfect -- including yourself.
I'm in the "Yes, but not at 6-7" camp. I had sleepovers all the time as a kid, and it was some of the moments in my childhood that I looked forward to the most, but I think waiting until they are 9-10 is a better plan. Of course you always have to factor in the context of what's going on with your kids and the kids around them:
In my family's case, my oldest son is almost 6 and I can just tell he's not ready for a sleepover yet. He's still afraid of the dark, and wakes up in the middle of the night asking for us to check in or even lay with him. Additionally, his best buddy in the neighborhood is 10 years old, and while he's generally a good kid, there is no way I'm letting them spend extended periods of time alone with my son. I feel like that is the type of situation that leads to irreparable disaster. Most of the other kids in our neighborhood that are my son's age are girls, and I would be more likely to allow a sleepover with one of them. And yes, the parents factor into that too, but I know all of the parents in our circle very well and everyone is relatively well adjusted.
Never allowing a sleepover at someone else's house seems extreme to me, maybe your view will change as the years pass?
In my family's case, my oldest son is almost 6 and I can just tell he's not ready for a sleepover yet. He's still afraid of the dark, and wakes up in the middle of the night asking for us to check in or even lay with him. Additionally, his best buddy in the neighborhood is 10 years old, and while he's generally a good kid, there is no way I'm letting them spend extended periods of time alone with my son. I feel like that is the type of situation that leads to irreparable disaster. Most of the other kids in our neighborhood that are my son's age are girls, and I would be more likely to allow a sleepover with one of them. And yes, the parents factor into that too, but I know all of the parents in our circle very well and everyone is relatively well adjusted.
Never allowing a sleepover at someone else's house seems extreme to me, maybe your view will change as the years pass?
Long as I spoke to the parents and checked out the neighborhood they lived in, I'd be fine with it. My kid is going to be an only child, so I expect he's going to have some really close friends when he gets a few years older, and sleepovers will probably be a normal thing. I didn't go to my first one until 10, but my god-daughter started going to them around 7 years old. Never had a problem. At some point, you're going to have to place some trust in your children and those who will be looking after them if they pass your initial concerns.
My two kids are now 15 and 22 and they had a lot of sleepovers. The 15 yer old still does. Mostly now I know the friend group so its a full non issue. Just meet the familys. You probably have met their friends from playdates right? Does the friend seem like things are on the up and up, no warning red flags or anything? Well when you take them over for a playdate walk in the door when you get there, every one of the long term friends my kids have had that was always kind of expected. Then, as is almost always the case, if they offer for you to sit down, or have some coffee or whatever, instead of politely declining like so many people do actually take them up on it, hang out in their home, get to know them, make friends with them. You most likely will be seeing and interacting with at least a few of these families long term as you kids grow up together. They don't have to be your best friends or anything but my youngest I know three of her friends parents pretty well, text them occasionally, and know enough about them and their lives at this point I feel like I know them personally.
It's important to remember even though you feel like you are the sole person raising your kids, you aren't. Thats just the reality, their friends, teachers, and people they see everyday are going to be shaping them as much as you are. Why not show that you are more than willing to take part in that, and be a part of those peoples lives as well so you can have that window of whats going on with them.
Talk with them before they go on these outings, talk to them after they are done, have them put on a phone at some point and talk with them then. I'd trust you could tell if they are distraught or uncomfortable over the phone. More importantly does your child seem ready? Have they asked and it seems desireable by them? It's all on each individuals rate at "when are they ready" but don't let it be something you shut your child out from on "But these other parents might be evil". Know them well enough that you can say "Those parents are like me, not perfect but fine normal people" by starting to meet and greet now.
It's important to remember even though you feel like you are the sole person raising your kids, you aren't. Thats just the reality, their friends, teachers, and people they see everyday are going to be shaping them as much as you are. Why not show that you are more than willing to take part in that, and be a part of those peoples lives as well so you can have that window of whats going on with them.
Talk with them before they go on these outings, talk to them after they are done, have them put on a phone at some point and talk with them then. I'd trust you could tell if they are distraught or uncomfortable over the phone. More importantly does your child seem ready? Have they asked and it seems desireable by them? It's all on each individuals rate at "when are they ready" but don't let it be something you shut your child out from on "But these other parents might be evil". Know them well enough that you can say "Those parents are like me, not perfect but fine normal people" by starting to meet and greet now.
Already done so for my 6yo son. I think it's been....3 sleepovers at a friend's house already?
of course, we know the parents. They've all been with either classmates, or his teammates.
Typically though, sleepovers are at my house. My daughter is like having at least 1 sleepover at our house over month.
of course, we know the parents. They've all been with either classmates, or his teammates.
Typically though, sleepovers are at my house. My daughter is like having at least 1 sleepover at our house over month.
I'd be fine as long as I could meet the parents first to talk and see the house. In addition to having your kid call before bed to check in, it's good to have some kind of code word they can use if they're feeling uncomfortable and want to leave, but don't want to say so in front of the family.
My kids have been at sleepovers and we have been hosting sleepovers since they were 5-6. We have no issues with it what so ever. I would actually highly encourage it. We've had around 2-3 sleepovers per year, per kid since then. Just finished one actually. We had 9 10 year olds and 2 12 year girls. Our house is huge, clean, safe, and we have a metric ton of stuff for all the kids to do. We basically plan the food/snack/movie/sleeping arrangements. Other than that, we just let the kids do whatever they want. We're basically just babysitters at that point. Thankfully, both of my girls run with good crowds. They all perform well in school and there are no trouble makers. We had one around 2nd grade that came to a few sleepovers that we kind of edged out due to how much she would poison the well. That kid was just plain mean.
Participating in sleep overs has so many hidden benefits. Over the many years, we've become friends with many of the parents of the frequent flyers. It takes a level of trust from one parent to another to sign off on a sleep over, and we value the trust we are given. When we go to student activities, all the various kids and their parents know me, call me by name, and wave to me. I really treasure that. The cast of kids is forever rotating and it has truly expanded the social circles of my daughters.
Participating in sleep overs has so many hidden benefits. Over the many years, we've become friends with many of the parents of the frequent flyers. It takes a level of trust from one parent to another to sign off on a sleep over, and we value the trust we are given. When we go to student activities, all the various kids and their parents know me, call me by name, and wave to me. I really treasure that. The cast of kids is forever rotating and it has truly expanded the social circles of my daughters.
Parent of a 7 year old checking in. We are open to it so long as we meet the other parents first and feel confident in their ability to care for minors. My son has only had one sleepover, though, and my wife kinda knew the other mom through PTA or something like that.
Sleepovers are great and enrich your experiences. At 6-7 years of age you should allow your kid that, especially if it knows the other child since a while and they are friends. Invite the parents over for coffee or something if you want to be sure. Yes there are bad people in the world, but being overprotective makes you a bad case of helicopter parent and your child won't learn anything
I started sleeping over at my friends house at a pretty young age, 4-5 ish I guess. Most of the time is was with good family friends so my parents never had anything to worry about. When it was the first time with a new friend, my parents would drop me off, have a brief interaction with the parents then leave me quicker than you could believe, lol. Those sleepovers were some of my favorite memories as a child and I'm glad my parents allowed me to do it as often as I did.
meet the parents and trust your gut. It's just one night.
meet the parents and trust your gut. It's just one night.
The implication of this post is pretty fucking gross tbh.