I never followed Etika. I saw some of his reaction videos and they were funny. I was guilty of being dismissive of his mental health issues, never out loud or in a public forum (why would I ever go around putting people down like that?), but internally I was like, "eh, if he's in a bad spot people around them will help him". Even his last video, which I never saw, just read the descriptions of, (because, again, why would I ever watch the potential suicide note of someone I've never met?), i was dismissive internally.
I feel guilt for this. Even if there was nothing I could have done myself, one person that's never interacted with them, I think, what if I was slightly closer? What if more people that like me were indifferent suddenly weren't? What if it had been a friend of mine? What if it'd had been me there, on the other side of that youtube video?
i've had bouts of suicidal ideation not that long ago, near the end of last semestre. I fucked up a thing royally, disappointed myself and those around me. i pictured how I could kill myself, in a way that was most sure and least painful, (but not too least painful, I needed to punish myself eitherway!). I never went through with it. I feel that I never would have gone through with it. Its not in my nature, I said. I never told anyone but my psychologist, who made me see that suicidal ideation does not come from nowhere. That made me see that going through with it would be damaging to everyone involved at the least. I guess I was lucky. Very much so, having a support structure around me that dashed any potential of that happening. Im in a much better place right now, thank the gods.
But if I hadn't? If that youtube channel I tried to make when I was like 15 took off? If I my life was a public book, a spectacle? If I had gone public with this ideation and posted it online, maybe said some shitty things to get people to pay attention to me? If people had reacted not even in the way YT or FB would react with "kys"s and "attention seeking"s but even in the way some reacted here, in this relatively tolerant forum, with the "eh"s and "I don't believe you"s?
Etika-- Desmond, is a man failed by society. Me and you, person reading this message probably included. Failed by the US police and healthcare system. Failed by rabid "fans" that loved to see their "stars" implode. Failed by an algorithm based, click-bait machine that is social media and youtube. Failed by the games enthusiast community at large. And yes, failed by the ResetEra community.
I love this community and the positives it can bring and show and grow in the videogames enthusiast community at large. But we can always be better. We can aknowledge our mistakes and move to fix them. As individuals and as a community. We might not have been able to save Desmond, as far removed as he probably was from us. But we might have been able to be a positive change in our communities. And if that were the case more people might have been able to help him directly. And maybe, just maybe we still could not have saved him. But we could have helped others. As a community. And perhaps we already do, but wouldn't it be grand if we could help more? Ourselves? I think that's something to strive for...
Desmond Amofah was a passionate man, and that pure passion was perhaps twisted inwards by a fickle, uncaring public. His tragedy was perhaps an avoidable one. And his death was everyone's loss.
Rest in peace, man.
