Couples Therapy or find someone who will fulfil your sexual needs.
Not sure if any sort of therapy can change your sexual desires however ..
Not sure if any sort of therapy can change your sexual desires however ..
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(NSFW) Loving relationship, some sex issues. Any advice?
- Thread starter DestinyArrives
- Start date
Make clear that you want couples therapy, not because she said no to BJ's, but because you felt like communication broke down and you want to ensure you have productive methods to talk through serious issues.
DestinyAwaits Maybe try shaving down there and get flavoured condoms?
If there's trauma from previous partners informing her views on certain sexual acts, sex therapy might help her (only if she consents to it). Just offer the suggestion.
If you don't want to feel like you're guilt tripping, don't give oral to her if you're expecting it in return, only give oral if you really want to and are ok with it not being reciprocated. It sounds like she does some things like handjobs, maybe she can do more initiating or say "it would be nice if you initiated a bit more"?
If there's trauma from previous partners informing her views on certain sexual acts, sex therapy might help her (only if she consents to it). Just offer the suggestion.
If you don't want to feel like you're guilt tripping, don't give oral to her if you're expecting it in return, only give oral if you really want to and are ok with it not being reciprocated. It sounds like she does some things like handjobs, maybe she can do more initiating or say "it would be nice if you initiated a bit more"?
People aren't going to like both my answers.
My first suggestion is couples counseling. That can help a lot in bridging sexual asymmetries in a couple.
My second suggestion is to consider an open relationship. One human may not fulfill all your sexual needs especially if they're the only person you've ever had sex with. Having an open relationship realistically addresses the fact that humans are sexual creatures that often need to explore, experiment and enjoy a variety of partners that have different sexual tones. It doesn't mean you love your primary partner any less. But then again I'm poly and in an open relationship and it's worked out beautifully for me so YMMV.
My first suggestion is couples counseling. That can help a lot in bridging sexual asymmetries in a couple.
My second suggestion is to consider an open relationship. One human may not fulfill all your sexual needs especially if they're the only person you've ever had sex with. Having an open relationship realistically addresses the fact that humans are sexual creatures that often need to explore, experiment and enjoy a variety of partners that have different sexual tones. It doesn't mean you love your primary partner any less. But then again I'm poly and in an open relationship and it's worked out beautifully for me so YMMV.
Some people just really aren't into some things and that's perfectly fine and should be respected, however, this:
This really makes me question things. Something's going on here that's deeper than a preference or a hang up on a specific act. The back and forth is either a form of abusive manipulation or she has some major issues she needs to speak with someone and iron out, not so you get blowjobs but because that can't be healthy for her either.
Stop wanking for at least 2 of 3 weeks. It's pretty likely you'll see a huge change in the sensitivity. After that don't wank so often and when you do, try having shorter sessions if you're having any long sessions now and try to be gentler (after the break it should be enough).
I tend to think that therapy, and couples therapy, is a net good. But, not really in the way that's being suggested here?
The tone of the suggestion in a lot of posts sounds something like, "Partner doesn't want to do thing I want to do. Therapy will make them want to do thing I want to do." And that's not really how therapy works. Some people just don't like giving head. Can you connect it to a larger problem in the relationship?
Did she used to give head, and now she doesn't?
Does she express a desire to give head, but then backs out when it's time to commit to the act?
Does she express disconcerting views about oral sex that you're afraid may inform other aspects of how she treats the relationship?
These, I imagine, are ways that the lack of head might inform larger issues in your relationship that are worth talking through with the guidance of a professional. But, absent that, she just might not like giving oral sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. Especially, if she's being resolute with you even after you've communicated with her how it makes you feel. And then the onus is on you to respond accordingly. That is, how much does this matter to you?
For me personally, at this stage of my life, it would absolutely matter to me.
And hey, it might still be worth it to try the therapy route.
EDIT: Also, something I haven't seen brought up yet, but seems very obvious to me:
If she's so far been clear and resolute in not wanting to engage in oral sex, to the point that she gets angry when you bring it up...then the suggestion that you two seek couples/sex therapy (the implication being because I want my dick sucked that badly), is likely not going to go over too well. This is not to dissuade you from talking to her about this or suggesting therapy. Just...be very sensitive and considerate about how you go about this. In my opinion, it would be helpful if you connected this to larger issues you want to work through with her.
The tone of the suggestion in a lot of posts sounds something like, "Partner doesn't want to do thing I want to do. Therapy will make them want to do thing I want to do." And that's not really how therapy works. Some people just don't like giving head. Can you connect it to a larger problem in the relationship?
Did she used to give head, and now she doesn't?
Does she express a desire to give head, but then backs out when it's time to commit to the act?
Does she express disconcerting views about oral sex that you're afraid may inform other aspects of how she treats the relationship?
These, I imagine, are ways that the lack of head might inform larger issues in your relationship that are worth talking through with the guidance of a professional. But, absent that, she just might not like giving oral sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. Especially, if she's being resolute with you even after you've communicated with her how it makes you feel. And then the onus is on you to respond accordingly. That is, how much does this matter to you?
For me personally, at this stage of my life, it would absolutely matter to me.
And hey, it might still be worth it to try the therapy route.
EDIT: Also, something I haven't seen brought up yet, but seems very obvious to me:
If she's so far been clear and resolute in not wanting to engage in oral sex, to the point that she gets angry when you bring it up...then the suggestion that you two seek couples/sex therapy (the implication being because I want my dick sucked that badly), is likely not going to go over too well. This is not to dissuade you from talking to her about this or suggesting therapy. Just...be very sensitive and considerate about how you go about this. In my opinion, it would be helpful if you connected this to larger issues you want to work through with her.
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If you do suggest therapy or similar then please make sure that the reason is because you are worried about the angry reaction and feel as though there may be deeper issues which aren't being communicated and which is of course not good in a relationship and is causing you problem with your self confidence too
Oh yeah, that sounds similar to my husband with the "ready any time!" mindset lol. We are each other's firsts and there are lots of things he wants to try, especially because porn is such an inspiration for unrealistic pleasure, but I am fairly open with him discussing stuff and also watching and commenting on the porn with him so he understands me own thoughts and perspective (like if I think something looks painful-like you see a girl ramming her full nails into another girl--wtf man! lol).
A lot of things I will tentatively try but also openly communicate if it's not working for me so we'll stop and switch to something else. He's also pretty considerate and doesn't want to push stuff if I am not feeling in the mood for it, so I try to be equally considerate in putting in some effort instead of being straight up unwilling. We do have very little sex compared to most couples though (like maybe 6 times a year lol), so figure out if that is way below your tolerance threshold. It got worse while I was pregnant.
It might take some time for your girlfriend to feel safer about your sexlife together and open up to trying more stuff if she is not the type to have absolutes in other areas as well. If she is the type to be rigid in lots of other areas, that might be a lot tougher, and you will have to discuss with her how comfortable she would be with you having other outlets for it without having disdain or resentment.
I am also Low Initiative, so he's going to be the one usually doing the asking. And maybe it would work better for him if he were more assertive in a "and then one things leads to another" and command statements like "put your hands on me" lol. This is something you can explore more, and if you are determined, with a couple's sex therapist because it sounds like there is a certain amount of "chemistry" that needs to be ignited with her first if her past relationships were much more active.
It also sounds like maybe you both have autism (because you mention social awkwardness and I just get that feeling lol), so there are going to be sensory issues around this that probably a lot of people aren't going to consider. Like if she has a bad gag reflex and smell and texture sensitivity. Either way, great idea about tackling the hygiene stuff. Wash up before sex happens if she does seem sensitive about it. Do it in the shower even lol. If she can get her mindset to be a little more loose and playful, and to be honest, if you acted a slight bit less overly cautious (this could be causing her to second guess you and herself, and the anxiety is a mood killer), it will help the both of you.
Also yeah, take a couple weeks break from your hand and jack off less if you want sensitivity back. I have read much about death grip issues lol. Maybe she is also feeling a bit down she can't get you off herself.
She likely will never match you in libido, but if everything else is amazing, and you can find compromise, your relationship can still work out.
If she has a shitty family, she probably needs therapy, and you probably beed some as well. Everyone can use some individual therapy sometimes to work out them skeletons in the closet, not just for sexual health, but overall mental hygiene.
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I think you need time apart from each other to figure out what you deserve. Because at this point it seems like you're settling. Having more experience with others is crucial to figuring yourself out.
This is a red flag to me. Affection shouldn't be transactional (score keeping, etc.) in a relationship, but both people should have their needs met. It doesn't feel right that she enjoys oral from you without reciprocating occasionally. Or at least, trying to find some other way to make things enjoyable if there are certain things she doesn't want to do.
I want to reiterate that your desires are valid and important in a relationship, just as much as hers are. What you're asking for isn't unreasonable. Talking, therapy, and other ways to come to a compromise are good steps, but it may come down to the two of you being incompatible at this point in time.
Years ago, I matched with a woman on OKCupid who, after some discussion, mentioned she wanted her partner to beat her. Hard. Like, leaving serious bruises and welts all over her body (not her face, though). Now, I'm pretty kink friendly, but that just wasn't something I could do unless I knew the person exceptionally well. I made some other suggestions, but she let me know it was the most important thing to her, so we went our separate ways. Neither of us faulted the other, we just didn't match on an important issue.
OP
OP
I want to update this thread because I did give it a shot for suggesting therapy. Yesterday we were watching a TV show and she saw two characters doing couple's therapy. She laughed at one point and said, "I couldn't do therapy, it just wouldn't work for me." At that moment, my heart sank because I was like shit, is this the worst sign I could of possible have received?
Later into the night, I decided to have the talk. It was really tough for me, but I told her how I felt, how I understood her point of view and that I wanted to work to figure some things out. She was pretty quiet but listened to every word I stated. I told her about going to couple's therapy and what she had said about it earlier in the night, but told her I believe it could work and help us figure some things out. To my surprise, she said she'd be willing to do it. I don't know if she saw how much pain I was in and decided to give it a try or if she was just making a joking comment earlier. Either way, we're going to give it a try.
I have no idea how we'll pull it off because we usually see each other on weekends and she doesn't have a car, but I will try to make some time for it! Thank you all for the recommendation, I really hope it'll work out.
Later into the night, I decided to have the talk. It was really tough for me, but I told her how I felt, how I understood her point of view and that I wanted to work to figure some things out. She was pretty quiet but listened to every word I stated. I told her about going to couple's therapy and what she had said about it earlier in the night, but told her I believe it could work and help us figure some things out. To my surprise, she said she'd be willing to do it. I don't know if she saw how much pain I was in and decided to give it a try or if she was just making a joking comment earlier. Either way, we're going to give it a try.
I have no idea how we'll pull it off because we usually see each other on weekends and she doesn't have a car, but I will try to make some time for it! Thank you all for the recommendation, I really hope it'll work out.
OP
OP
It's really difficult because we love each other. Intensely, like we have a lot of shared experiences that brought us closer together. I'm worried that if we broke up, not only would I be devastated - I would lose all the self confidence in the world. Last time I dealt with a breakup, I ended up not dating anyone for 3 years. I tried, but I just felt weird and always felt unattractive. And again, I absolutely love my girlfriend, so I want to make it work.
I've noticed a few times that when I mentioned how much I enjoyed giving her oral and seeing she was happy with it, she wouldn't be willing to reciprocate and give a line like "Well we can stop giving oral to me too if that helps." Which feels wrong because I want the sexual experiences for both of us, not to take things away.
I'm in a slightly similar boat as the OKCupid woman - I have a major weird kink (not the beating one though) that, while my partner is accepting of it, isn't willing to do anything about it. I will admit it is very weird, but I just try to handle that side of me on my own.
You'll have to try a sitting down and talking to first, then move on to couples counselling if that doesn't work.
If you have a desire for oral sex, and she just WILL NOT do it, that is going to destroy your relationship [eventually].
I was unfaithful once in my life [my first serious relationship], and I hate myself for it to this day, but it was due to 2 years of being with a partner I loved desperately,
who wouldn't [or couldn't?] give me what I needed sexually [and that was oral sex].
Same, I generally went about 3 years between relationships back in the day, but that timeframe got smaller and smaller each time when I got past 32, 33, 34 years of age...
Don't let that stop you OP - being single and finding happiness in yourself only serves to make you more desirable [if you commit to the work].
A sexually compatible human who can love just as much [or more] than your current partner DOES, in fact, exist out there.
If you have a desire for oral sex, and she just WILL NOT do it, that is going to destroy your relationship [eventually].
I was unfaithful once in my life [my first serious relationship], and I hate myself for it to this day, but it was due to 2 years of being with a partner I loved desperately,
who wouldn't [or couldn't?] give me what I needed sexually [and that was oral sex].
Same, I generally went about 3 years between relationships back in the day, but that timeframe got smaller and smaller each time when I got past 32, 33, 34 years of age...
Don't let that stop you OP - being single and finding happiness in yourself only serves to make you more desirable [if you commit to the work].
A sexually compatible human who can love just as much [or more] than your current partner DOES, in fact, exist out there.