Need relationship advice...I love my girlfriend but I simply don’t know what to do anymore about our future

[Deleted member 35509]

This thread popped up again, OP do you still have that job and have you paid your GF back for the car repairs yet? And please for the love of god don't say something like " I bought video games and saved the rest of "my" money"

New people coming into this thread REALLY NEED TO READ THIS ENTIRE THREAD and OP's responses throughout. Do not skim the first page and come to the end as there are a lot of glaring issues that led to this point.

Click to shrink...

Yes, I have been paying bills and buying groceries and spending more on her and the place to make up for things since my first post from months ago.

Chiming in, but I have an inkling it's less she dislikes fiction and moreso she derives no enjoyment watching/sharing fiction with you specifically. Especially since, from what I've gathered skimming the thread, you would often choose the world of fiction (gaming) over the relationship, resulting in her developing a Pavlovian dismissal of fiction altogether.

Click to shrink...

This is not an exaggeration and has NOTHING to do with me or my gaming. From day 1, she's always said fiction is stupid, she's not a fan of movies and tv shows with fictional characters and books as well. She'll tolerate them when I have them on once in a while but usually she either asks why people watch things that don't have real stories or she leaves the room the second I put a movie or tv show on. This has been a things since day 1, I always found it an odd thing and never made sense to me. I thought there was no way someone won't watch a movie or show once in a while but nope, that never changed.

I stopped gaming as much, only a few hours a week and let her do her thing, didn't judge her. That last a couple of days and she kept making comments about my hobbies.

This happens over and over. I don't instigate, I play like 30 minutes one day, middle of the week and the first time that week and instantly, I'm the bad guy. So I shut it off, go on my phone and we don't talk because she wants the tv for her shows.

 

[rjinaz]

Edit:

I'm just going to remove my post since I doubt it helps the OP in any way.

Good luck OP. I've already given advice and there is a lot of good advice out there for you in the last couple of pages. I recommend giving things some serious thought and consider that the only person that can really help you in this situation outside of a therapist, is you.

 

[Darksol]

Leave

 

[Pirate Bae]

Yes, I have been paying bills and buying groceries and spending more on her and the place to make up for things since my first post from months ago.



This is not an exaggeration and has NOTHING to do with me or my gaming. From day 1, she's always said fiction is stupid, she's not a fan of movies and tv shows with fictional characters and books as well. She'll tolerate them when I have them on once in a while but usually she either asks why people watch things that don't have real stories or she leaves the room the second I put a movie or tv show on. This has been a things since day 1, I always found it an odd thing and never made sense to me. I thought there was no way someone won't watch a movie or show once in a while but nope, that never changed.

I stopped gaming as much, only a few hours a week and let her do her thing, didn't judge her. That last a couple of days and she kept making comments about my hobbies.

This happens over and over. I don't instigate, I play like 30 minutes one day, middle of the week and the first time that week and instantly, I'm the bad guy. So I shut it off, go on my phone and we don't talk because she wants the tv for her shows.

Click to shrink...

This is toxic, leave

I know it's painful but I promise you will be happier in the long run

 

[EarlGreyHot]

That whole thing about her hating fiction kinda reminds me of a girl I once knew that hated music. Any music.

So I guess you could hate all fiction as well? Though I find that utterly bizarre.

 

[Shadow Red]

OP is 42? That is so sad. Talk about no confidence. 40s should be the prime of life. Not sticking with an immature TikTok gf or sneaking to play videogames. Step up OP. Leave her and rebuild yourself. If you can't leave her then you have some mental issues you need to deal with. Staying with her makes you look like you're just suckering up to her. Having significant others is supposed to lift each others up not drag each others down. It's not healthy. If you don't do anything, you're gonna be a miserable senior before you know it.

 

[Sarek]

This is toxic, leave

I know it's painful but I promise you will be happier in the long run

Click to shrink...

Sorry to say, but I completely agree. Your companion should be someone who makes you happy. Not someone around who you have to pretend to be someone else.

 

[Midramble]

What do you have in common? My wife and I have very differing interests; however, we find joy together in the things we both like. We still respect each other's separate hobbies moreso for what they do for the other than the actual hobby itself. We both try to find little bits in each other's hobbies we can talk a bit about to grow that connection. The thing that nurtures our relationship is doing the things we both like together though. Things as basic as walks, watching travel channels, the ocean, certain meals, certain movies or shows.

All that said, it takes both people doing this to work and if that isn't the case and/or both parties aren't willing to make that the case, it may be best to prep your heart for moving on as amicably as possible. You shouldn't feel obligated to be in a relationship our of fear of being alone. That'll just build self loathing, doubt, and anxiety along with resentment for your partner.

THAT said, if both are willing to nurture that middle ground, it'll only get better.

 

[deimosmasque]

Yes, I have been paying bills and buying groceries and spending more on her and the place to make up for things since my first post from months ago.



This is not an exaggeration and has NOTHING to do with me or my gaming. From day 1, she's always said fiction is stupid, she's not a fan of movies and tv shows with fictional characters and books as well. She'll tolerate them when I have them on once in a while but usually she either asks why people watch things that don't have real stories or she leaves the room the second I put a movie or tv show on. This has been a things since day 1, I always found it an odd thing and never made sense to me. I thought there was no way someone won't watch a movie or show once in a while but nope, that never changed.

I stopped gaming as much, only a few hours a week and let her do her thing, didn't judge her. That last a couple of days and she kept making comments about my hobbies.

This happens over and over. I don't instigate, I play like 30 minutes one day, middle of the week and the first time that week and instantly, I'm the bad guy. So I shut it off, go on my phone and we don't talk because she wants the tv for her shows.

Click to shrink...

This is extremely toxic. This isn't just a lack of respect for your hobbies. This is a lack of respect for you as a person.

I know it's hard but it's time to leave. The relationship is dead.

 

[Jive Turkey]

We're trying but the resentment, the resentment we have for each other, it's killing us. I'm basically miserable all the time and so is she.

Click to shrink...

The relationship is already over. Just make it official.

 

[Chrno]

Your title says you love your girlfriend, but I think you just love not being alone.

Time to leave and do some growing OP.

 

[Random Painted Highway]

I promise you that if OP's girlfriend found this thread and starting posting, the tide of favor would change very quickly as she tells her side of things.

Click to shrink...

Considering what op has admitted, a post from his gfs pov would no doubt be wildly depressing.

 

[HiLife]

Came in 6 months later and these updates still aren't promising.

 

[whytemyke]

I mean you two either have to learn to be happy together separately or split. There are couples that share different rooms, sleep in different beds, etc. But they've figured out how to make it work. So far it seems you two haven't.

good luck OP

 

[Stuggernaut]

I was in a similar situation in my late 20's. Living with a girl, shitty income/unemployed, pets, talking about marriage & future all the while building up resentment for her. We were a great "couple" on the surface, but underneath not so much and neither of us wanted to admit it. I was a gamer and she was a socialite, I liked movies, she liked parties, I liked barbeques, she liked fancy dinners... we both did both for each other but it was always forced.

I reached out to a family member to secure a place to stay if things blew up in my face and needed a night or two to crash somewhere, then I ripped off the bandaid. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but once I came to terms with the fact that I was not happy, and she wasn't either. It was much easier. The HARDEST part was living together for 2-3 months while saving money and finding a new permanent home.

Best decision I ever made. I met my current wife 2 years later (online in an MMO) and just celebrated my 20th anniversary last year. My current wife has hobbies I don't do, and opinions that differ from mine, but the core "friendship" is there and everything else added to it.

Bottom line, if you are not happy, get out. It's best for you, and it's best for her. If you keep "playing" house you will both end up hurt even more or be trapped in a worse financial situation.

Not sure if what I did would work for you, but I firmly believe it is the best you can do.

 

[squeakywheel]

Don't buy a house until you resolve the bickering. My wife has accepted my video-game hobby but no way can I do hours of gaming a day. So she'll watch her Ellen and TLC show while I game. Then we'd meet halfway and watch a movie or show we both like together. Try to spend more time together away from technology. Go out for a walk together or picnic. I think relationship counseling will do you both since good.

 

[rjinaz]

Considering what op has admitted, a post from his gfs pov would no doubt be wildly depressing.

Click to shrink...

Right and I should clarify that I'm not in anyway indicating that the OP is lying or that he's being treated completely fairly.

I apologize to the OP if I have come across that way, because at least from what you have told us and your recent changes, you do at least appear to be making an effort and you seem to care enough to seek advice.

More so that, she no doubt has her own perspective and her own stories to share that would likely get many positive responses towards her.

We will always only have half of the picture and we are all only human and in a relationship this toxic, there is no doubt behavior that is making the situation worse coming from both sides. It's easier for us to tell you what the girlfriend is doing wrong because that is mostly what you know, much harder for us to tell you what YOU are doing wrong.

 

[AceStrimmer]

39 year old here. Going out with a 48 year old nurse.

She is thankful she has me since I don't need to do the same thing as her all the time and I have my own interests.

A decent relationship HAS to be based on mutual respect and that includes giving each other your own space to enjoy what you each enjoy.

You have to be true to yourself.

 

[Surakian]

Sounds toxic, OP. She doesn't respect your hobbies and expects you to do the same.

It's weird too because those reality shows she watches are all fiction as well. None of it is real. It's all scripted or partially scripted.

Anyways, if something as small as your own personal hobbies and sources of entertainment are what keeps you from having a fulfilling sex life and romantic relationship, then your relationship is over. It's been over for awhile.

 

[Helmholtz]

Yes, I have been paying bills and buying groceries and spending more on her and the place to make up for things since my first post from months ago.



This is not an exaggeration and has NOTHING to do with me or my gaming. From day 1, she's always said fiction is stupid, she's not a fan of movies and tv shows with fictional characters and books as well. She'll tolerate them when I have them on once in a while but usually she either asks why people watch things that don't have real stories or she leaves the room the second I put a movie or tv show on. This has been a things since day 1, I always found it an odd thing and never made sense to me. I thought there was no way someone won't watch a movie or show once in a while but nope, that never changed.

I stopped gaming as much, only a few hours a week and let her do her thing, didn't judge her. That last a couple of days and she kept making comments about my hobbies.

This happens over and over. I don't instigate, I play like 30 minutes one day, middle of the week and the first time that week and instantly, I'm the bad guy. So I shut it off, go on my phone and we don't talk because she wants the tv for her shows.

Click to shrink...

Hey man, this sounds like a major incompatibility. It's one thing to not be into your SO's hobbies, but another to be critical and not allow them to do them. And it sounds like things haven't really been improving. You might have to start taking a look at things and deciding if this is the person you really want to be with, and if it is actually a positive living environment.
And personally for me... I'm huge into fiction. It's one of my favorite things, fiction books, shows, movies. I couldn't really imagine going through life with someone who is 100% against that. Might sound like an overreaction but for me personally, I'd want an SO who at least somewhat entertains some of the things I am passionate about. For instance my fiance and I both absolutely adore Lord of the Rings and I place some importance in that, it's one of the reasons we really got to know each other and get so close.

 

[Kongroo]

I'm in the same situation except i'm fine with my girlfriend watching her TLC shows and she's fine with me playing games.

It's EXTREMELY healthy for partners to have different interests that don't overlap. I wouldn't have it any other way personally. She needs to respect you and you need to respect her.

I'll also add that I think doing things separately every day is a good thing. You shouldn't need to do everything together all the time. Or at the very least, it's a problem if only one of you feels that way.

 

[Deleted member 1445]

I stopped gaming as much, only a few hours a week and let her do her thing, didn't judge her. That last a couple of days and she kept making comments about my hobbies.

This happens over and over. I don't instigate, I play like 30 minutes one day, middle of the week and the first time that week and instantly, I'm the bad guy. So I shut it off, go on my phone and we don't talk because she wants the tv for her shows.

Click to shrink...

This is just a coarse impression of what you've written in this topic, but it sounds like a typical destructive cycle that you're caught in. It could be that your partner is the pursuer and you're the withdrawer.

Generally speaking, a pursuer comes with criticism, and withdrawer withdraws emotionally after the criticism. Under the surface, the pursuer's criticizing is sparked by the panic brought upon by them noticing the lack of connection. Then they turn that panic into anger and lash out as their way to deal with that emotion in a relationship. The withdrawer then feels like they're doing it all wrong, and in turn have their attachment panic sparked as well. They then deal with it by withdrawing, so that they don't make more mistakes and that it will hopefully blow over. Both are trying to protect the attachment in their own maladaptive way. This is a cycle that perpetuates, because for neither the problem of connection is really resolved, neither thinks that the other can be there for them in their time of need.

So to me, it sounds like you're in a form of such a cycle, and that this is not something you can get out of yourself. I would really advise either couples therapy, or separation here -- it sounds like you're really hurting, and your partner probably too. It's not healthy for either of you, and without help, it doesn't look like you will ever be able to resolve it.

If you want to go the therapy direction, but your partner doesn't want to join you, then try out a couples therapist on your own, they can help you with further steps. (and again, I'd really recommend EFT, it has had really good outcome studies for couples)

 

[rjinaz]

I'm in the same situation except i'm fine with my girlfriend watching her TLC shows and she's fine with me playing games.

It's EXTREMELY healthy for partners to have different interests that don't overlap. I wouldn't have it any other way personally. She needs to respect you and you need to respect her.

I'll also add that I think doing things separately every day is a good thing. You shouldn't need to do everything together all the time. Or at the very least, it's a problem if only one of you feels that way.

Click to shrink...

Yeah I too also compromised with my last girlfriend even though our interest were different. Except with her it was about me playing "other" video games lol. She wanted me to play GTA or games like Mortal Kombat. I really only like RPGs. I played GTA and MK with her sometimes because she wanted me to. However she also wanted me to watch Golden Girls because it was her favorite show and I refused. Maybe someday I would have but there can be lines. Similarly she watched a couple of tv shows she didn't want to like Harley Quinn, which she actually loved.

Anyway, that's how a healthy relationship should work ideally. Even though that's not even a guarantee seeing as how I'm no longer with her.

 

[Sweet James Jones]

Should probably close this thread?

 

[Dave.]

Should probably close this thread?

Click to shrink...

Lol? The thread should be closed when OP has gotten himself free of this horrendous situation and is on the mend, not while he is resigned to living a sexless life with a girl who hates him for the sake keeping up outward appearances (and the dogs).

Im A Hero Too You got to snap yourself out of this. Leave her, move back in with your parents for a bit or a friend, or get a new place of your own. The dogs will get over it. You don't have to live like this.

 

[Wood Man]

She criticizes you for watching or playing any fiction? That's not cool

She doesn't need to share your interests but she should at least respect them and let you have your fun without giving you shit for it.

 

[loco]

That whole thing about her hating fiction kinda reminds me of a girl I once knew that hated music. Any music.

So I guess you could hate all fiction as well? Though I find that utterly bizarre.

Click to shrink...

It's sounds crazy but some people genuinely dislike music. Definitely a relationship red flag for me but to each his own.

 

[Kongroo]

Yeah I too also compromised with my last girlfriend even though our interest were different. Except with her it was about me playing "other" video games lol. She wanted me to play GTA or games like Mortal Kombat. I really only like RPGs. I played GTA and MK with her sometimes because she wanted me to. However she also wanted me to watch Golden Girls because it was her favorite show and I refused. Maybe someday I would have but there can be lines. Similarly she watched a couple of tv shows she didn't want to like Harley Quinn, which she actually loved.

Anyway, that's how a healthy relationship should work ideally. Even though that's not even a guarantee seeing as how I'm no longer with her.

Click to shrink...

For sure. Compromise and communication are 100% the biggest keys to a relationship.

I've been with my SO for 4 years now but one thing that was important was me telling her early on that video games and alone time are important to me. At first she was insulted about the alone time part. But the way I explained it was that it's not about me wanting to be away from her but rather about me wanting to spend time with myself. Since then, we've been on the same page and respect each other a ton.

 

[Deleted member 40853]

The only time OP replies in this thread is to get mired down in the details of how he should be able to play video games more or how his gf doesn't like his tv shows. None of this matters, there are plenty of people in this thread saying they have no or few shared interests with their partner and it's fine. If his gf "lets" him play video games more it's not going to change anything. I am also positive there is another side to this story and it's not as simple as OPs gf being an evil witch who hates video games and all fiction. The most simple understanding of this situation is that a good relationship should be easy and straightforward. You should derive happiness from your partner. If you are on the internet writing endless paragraphs about how you are miserable because of your partner then your relationship is bad. It's not the complicated. There are plenty of people in this thread reading the extremely obvious writing on the wall to OP, but he continues to ignore that and get mired down in the details of their shared hobbies and how he wants to be allowed to play more video games. It's exhausting reading his replies.

OP, this will sound harsh, but frankly it seems like you are obsessed with video games. I get the impression if your gf left you alone to go on discord and play video games then you would be willing to overlook everything else and see no problems with your own behavior. You are only interested in changing your own behavior if you will get rewarded with video game time. It seems like you have very little affection for her, and you are much more upset about your access to video game time. You are a 42 year old grown ass man. You don't need to wait for girlfriend/mommy to give you permission. If you just want to play video games then leave your poor gf and go play video games. Or if you are too scared just play video games until she leaves you, and you can still be the victim. This waffling around is just sad and pathetic. It seems like you are addicted to being the martyr because you do not acknowledge simple advice from anyone, you just go on and on about how miserable you are and how you want to play more video games but you could not possibly walk because XYZ. People have continuously brought up real issues with your behavior and your relationship, but you've made it clear what you are most concerned about is your game time.You are an adult. Either go play your video games or accept your gf the way she is, but please stop feeling sorry for yourself because she won't grant you guilt free video game time and absolve you of the responsibility to change your behavior. She is not your mom. Its pathetic to treat a relationship this way.

 

[werezompire]

Divorce is harder on the pets than the children is a hot take I was not expecting to read today.

 

[Joni]

I would recommend therapy for yourself. It will help you move on, help with expressing your feelings and articulate your needs.

 

[Deleted member 13798]

The only time OP replies in this thread is to get mired down in the details of how he should be able to play video games more or how his gf doesn't like his tv shows. None of this matters, there are plenty of people in this thread saying they have no or few shared interests with their partner and it's fine. If his gf "lets" him play video games more it's not going to change anything. I am also positive there is another side to this story and it's not as simple as OPs gf being an evil witch who hates video games and all fiction. The most simple understanding of this situation is that a good relationship should be easy and straightforward. You should derive happiness from your partner. If you are on the internet writing endless paragraphs about how you are miserable because of your partner then your relationship is bad. It's not the complicated. There are plenty of people in this thread reading the extremely obvious writing on the wall to OP, but he continues to ignore that and get mired down in the details of their shared hobbies and how he wants to be allowed to play more video games. It's exhausting reading his replies.

OP, this will sound harsh, but frankly it seems like you are obsessed with video games. I get the impression if your gf left you alone to go on discord and play video games then you would be willing to overlook everything else and see no problems with your own behavior. You are only interested in changing your own behavior if you will get rewarded with video game time. It seems like you have very little affection for her, and you are much more upset about your access to video game time. You are a 42 year old grown ass man. You don't need to wait for girlfriend/mommy to give you permission. If you just want to play video games then leave your poor gf and go play video games. Or if you are too scared just play video games until she leaves you, and you can still be the victim. This waffling around is just sad and pathetic. It seems like you are addicted to being the martyr because you do not acknowledge simple advice from anyone, you just go on and on about how miserable you are and how you want to play more video games but you could not possibly walk because XYZ. People have continuously brought up real issues with your behavior and your relationship, but you've made it clear what you are most concerned about is your game time.You are an adult. Either go play your video games or accept your gf the way she is, but please stop feeling sorry for yourself because she won't grant you guilt free video game time and absolve you of the responsibility to change your behavior. She is not your mom. Its pathetic to treat a relationship this way.

Click to shrink...

Yep. This sentiment was expressed earlier in the thread too, months ago. Still accurate. I think OP needs to bail o the relationship but we don't know what the real dynamics are. Regardless if OP's perception is accurate or not, he shouldn't stay in this relationship at this point.

 

[Chronic_Moto]

Couples Therapy.

Its never to early to start. it saved my marriage. We have never been happier once we were able to maximize our communication skills with each other.

 

[Prinz Eugn]

We haven't been intimate for almost a year now. She makes jokes about it which makes it even harder for me to want to try but I'm at the point where I'm just too nervous and anxious to even try because she makes comments about how sometimes it weird that I try and rub her back or scratch her. She says things like, "you never do this, what do you want?"

Click to shrink...

Maybe I'd rather be miserable and die this way. Masturbate to women I'm more attracted to, play games in secret and just ride it out until I'm dead.

Click to shrink...

There's a lot of things going on, but the lack of sexual intimacy or attraction strikes me as next-level brokenness on top of everything else.

 

[Sylvestre]

why are people so scared of breaking up ?

 

[rjinaz]

why are people so scared of breaking up ?

Click to shrink...

Some people become very dependent on others and don't even have an idea as to how to function on their own. It's not by any means a rare phenomenon.

 

[Kiekura]

Edit: forget it

 

[John Rabbit]

Lotta assholes in this thread just absolutely latching on to some dumb shit (like his age) to shame OP over. Y'all are embarrassing.

If she doesn't want counseling then she's A) not respectful of your wants/needs and by proxy, B) not respectful of what the relationship deserves.

In that case bounce and get counseling for yourself. You can't control other people or their feelings, only yourself and your feelings. Get the help you want with or without her.

 

[AHA-Lambda]

Lotta assholes in this thread just absolutely latching on to some dumb shit (like his age) to shame OP over. Y'all are embarrassing.

If she doesn't want counseling then she's A) not respectful of your wants/needs and by proxy, B) not respectful of what the relationship deserves.

In that case bounce and get counseling for yourself. You can't control other people or their feelings, only yourself and your feelings. Get the help you want with or without her.

Click to shrink...

Exactly, the OP got called out many months ago about his gaming habits and has since made the effort to improve, and yet the relationship has not at all despite what's put in now. Obviously tense relationships don't fix in short term but you would think the gf would positively acknowledge that effort.
The gaming isn't the issue anymore.

 

[loco]

I suggest heading over to r/deadbedrooms. You'll find lots of shared stories similar and worse than your own. Some good advice over there

 

[MrMysterio]

why are people so scared of breaking up ?

Click to shrink...

They know all our secrets.

 

[Pirate Bae]

why are people so scared of breaking up ?

Click to shrink...

Change is scary and breaking up is painful, tf kind of high horse are you on

 

[Deleted member 35509]

I may talk to her tonight. I don't know, I'm scared. It looks like there's no 1 bedroom apartments in Jersey in my price range because even if I saved living somewhere else, I need something eventually on my own.

And to everyone who keeps bringing up video game addiction, I stopped, it didn't help. It just made me more miserable because I had nothing to do and her more upset because she shoots down all of my suggestions and we just sit on our phones then go to bed with our backs turned to each other. No way am I saying she's evil or this is her fault, of course she has resentment for what I've done to her for months but for years, she's shown no interest in much of anything. She's very anti-social which is okay but it makes it so that everything that I've suggested or wanted to do is shot down.

I just don't feel like crying and I don't not want to see her smile again or her laugh or the dogs jumping up at us out of pure joy.

I agree with almost everything that you've all said but it's easier said than done for most things.

I'll update everyone tonight.

 

[Dr. Feel Good]

I may talk to her tonight. I don't know, I'm scared. It looks like there's no 1 bedroom apartments in Jersey in my price range because even if I saved living somewhere else, I need something eventually on my own.

And to everyone who keeps bringing up video game addiction, I stopped, it didn't help. It just made me more miserable because I had nothing to do and her more upset because she shoots down all of my suggestions and we just sit on our phones then go to bed with our backs turned to each other. No way am I saying she's evil or this is her fault, of course she has resentment for what I've done to her for months but for years, she's shown no interest in much of anything. She's very anti-social which is okay but it makes it so that everything that I've suggested or wanted to do is shot down.

I just don't feel like crying and I don't not want to see her smile again or her laugh or the dogs jumping up at us out of pure joy.

I agree with almost everything that you've all said but it's easier said than done for most things.

I'll update everyone tonight.

Click to shrink...

instead of video games you have to be able to find something else to do. Go to the gym pick up cooking. Read books. Join a bowling league. It can't be video games or nothing. That's not healthy.

 

[Stuggernaut]

instead of video games you have to be able to find something else to do. Go to the gym pick up cooking. Read books. Join a bowling league. It can't be video games or nothing. That's not healthy.

Click to shrink...

It's not "video games or nothing" that is unhealthy. If his singular hobby is gaming, then so be it. Nothing wrong with being passionate about something. If you sacrifice your health or well being, or relationships/family for the sake of a hobby... THAT is unhealthy.

Agreed on broadening your horizons for hobbies though. You can learn some new stuff and expand your social circle at the same time!

 

[gogosox82]

If you need to read the OP and some of my posts for a refresher, please do so.

We're trying but the resentment, the resentment we have for each other, it's killing us. I'm basically miserable all the time and so is she. I cut back on the gaming almost completely and we just…it's hard because we have almost nothing in common. We can't find anything to do together.

This bugs both of us for obvious reasons. This resentment, it makes me wonder and feel, there must be someone else out there that probably likes more of the things that I enjoy. It kills me, destroys me inside thinking like this. I have random crying fits.

We haven't been intimate for almost a year now. She makes jokes about it which makes it even harder for me to want to try but I'm at the point where I'm just too nervous and anxious to even try because she makes comments about how sometimes it weird that I try and rub her back or scratch her. She says things like, "you never do this, what do you want?"

We're so aligned with our feelings on politics, religion, society, history but that's it. I didn't know it was going to be such a big deal that, we just simply have no hobbies or activities we want to share and it makes us miserable when we sit around, doing nothing but having the TV on.

Our 3 dogs. I'm crying now, writing this. I can't see my life without them. We got them together. I can't not see them live their lives. But her and I, we literally turn away in bed from each other. She's so miserable and so am I honestly. But these dogs are obsessed with us, I've been their dad for years. How am I supposed to leave them? It's not fucking fair.

I don't know what to do. We live together and I make less than 50k, I'm scared I can't afford living alone, that I'd have to live with my parents for a while. I'm scared of being alone forever. I'm scared if we break up, that's it. I don't know how to move out and away from her and the dogs and be happy.

We still have some moments of joy, we still sometimes make each other laugh. And what about our families? Her family and mine are so deeply woven into our lives.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's fixable, and I so often think now and wonder if there's other people out there for me to be with who enjoy the things I do and if it might make me happier. Then I burst into tears thinking about how, how can I think that. I don't want to go food shopping without her. I love the little moments and her quirks and our little jokes and the way we talk to the dogs. I'm crying now thinking about how I don't want to be without her because of these moments.

Can't even spend this Memorial Day off enjoying it.

I just don't know what to do and apologies for this depressing uodate.

Click to shrink...

End the relationship. work out some agreement with the dogs. being alone but happy is perable to being miserable in a relationship.

 

[Rampage]

From experience, I'm thinking the video game and difference in hobbies is not the problem. Both OP and the girlfriend attack each other over these topics because it is easier than sitting down and having an honest conversation about the true status of their relationship.

If you both respected each other, you would not be attack what make each other happy. Eliminating gaming, stop watching favorite shows is not going to do it. Nor is to try to find common hobbies and shows at this time- this is just treating the symptom of the dysfunction in the relationship.

You need talk, looking directly at each other, using "I feel..." statements to let each other know what each other have done that hurts each other. Only from there can you two come up with strategized to adjust how your interaction or end the relationship.

As for the dogs, I get that is had, but you can sit down like adults and make a share agreement to have time with each. One one takes the dogs with the understanding that the other will not uses them as pawns to hurt one another .

 

[Shadow Red]

I may have not read everything yet and no offense but why is she still staying with you even through all the fighting? Are you two good looking or something?

 

[Kadey]

All I can add is that the best relationships are people who don't have much in common and appreciate each other and deal with each other through any given time. I see more relationships breaking apart with people having more in common than not.
Your relationship sounds more like you are using each other's interests as an excuse for whatever the true problem is. Remember if you truly love someone you will accept everything about them whether you like it or not. It sounds like she has some other deep issue/issues. Kind of like if you don't like someone, every little thing they do you will hate it or vice versa. Talk it out somehow and if it doesn't work then the relationship wasn't mean to be.

 

[Prax]

Absolutely and she says things about being more mature or growing up or that it's my whole life.

She hates all fiction. I really, really am not exaggerating. She hates shows with "fake" characters, watches one movie a year and hates anything with fictional stories and characters. Doesn't matter the medium. It's a little odd but I got over it. But it makes things really hard to find stuff to watch or do together. And when I hear literally any couple ever talk about binge watching a show or watching a movie together or going out to see something, I get this deep feeling of jealousy and sadness.

Click to shrink...

Both of you sound so fixated. Do you both have autism? lol (I say this with love as I am on the spectrum too and hae ridiculous hangups).
I also hate fiction, but mostly reading fiction. I prefer reference to textbooks to fiction. I am ok with watching fiction though.

Can you just watch historical dramas together or listen to NPR together or something? Listen to true crime or Tedtalks podcasts, etc. Or just engage in Parallel Play. Lots of people with autism do this (as well as just introverts), whoch knvolved each doing your own thing but in the presence of each other. You can game on a handheld like the Switch or phone beside her while she watches 90 Day Fiancee or whatever. Then you can glance once in a while when something wildly stupid happens on tv and laugh with her.

Though I think dreaming about and getting jealous of "other couples" is pretty toxic for the relationship as well. Don't get yourself mixed up in fantasy. I know a videogaming couple that met through online games and they resent each other, so shared hobbies is no relationship secret sauce

Go to therapy. If she doesn't want to do couple's therapy, at least get some for yourself because your anxiety and self-esteem seem really fragile. Your relationship may not survive, but you have to make sure you do after all of it and prepare yourself for life after.