Need relationship advice...I love my girlfriend but I simply don’t know what to do anymore about our future

[Kyuuji]

I don't think this is being fair, Kyuuji. Just "joking and prodding" can mean a lot of things, it isn't always some innocent way of light-heartedly dealing, it can also be passive aggressive and harm the other person. OP might be in the wrong here, but we're only hearing their side and often people play down the behaviour of their partners when it can be more toxic.

I don't think any of us should be judging in threads like these when we only hear one side of it. We also shouldn't, imo, assume that "joking and prodding" is some harmless or acceptable thing when both of these people are going through what we all are.

From OP's posts, it does seem like they're a bit flippant about some of this. It also seems that they seem to put their feelings towards there dogs first. There are a lot of elements that make it appear like they're the problem.. but there are also parts of what they're saying that make it seem like the girlfriend isn't trying too.

In the OP it's stated that the girlfriend is fine with putting on TLC to binge for hours at a time, but when OP does the same with his own hobby it's a problem. That alone isn't fair.

The details make it seem like OP is in the wrong, but OP is actually in here at least trying to engage with us to understand this. If the girlfriend were in here instead, perhaps she'd be opening up too about things she was doing that were helping lead to this.

Honestly, from what I've read (and this is only from one side, so this is always difficult to gauge), it seems that they're both not really working on this here.

Click to shrink...

I think it's an entirely fair interpretation to throw out into the mix. I can totally see that in a good moment she was prodding a little for some validation that OP was willing to put her above his hobbies, when his extremely recent actions hadn't done. When only OP knows the full details all we can do is give perspectives for him to consider and see whether it helps make sense of what's going on. If she was taking a good day and making an incredibly toxic jab at his hobby then it's obviously less likely to be the above. If he can see that perhaps it is what was occurring, then it might help him understand where that came from.

 

[astro]

I think it's an entirely fair interpretation to throw out into the mix. I can totally see that in a good moment she was prodding a little for some validation that OP was willing to put her above his hobbies, when his extremely recent actions hadn't done. When only OP knows the full details all we can do is give interpretations for him to ponder on and see whether it helps make sense of what's going on. If she was taking a good day and making an incredibly toxic jab at his hobby then it obviously is less likely to be the above. If he can see that perhaps it is what was occurring, then it might help him understand where that came from.

Click to shrink...

I stand by what a I wrote. I think this is unfair and making too many assumptions.

As above, OP is the one here admitting to their negative traits, behaviours, and contributions. Were the girlfriend in here doing the same, we might be hearing things that put a lot of this into context.

it is absolutely, imo, unfair to assume those "jokes and prods" are harmless and acceptable.

 

[MazeHaze]

I can't move on. We have 3 dogs together that I love. How could someone tell me I can't be there for them in the end or see them everyday when I wake and every night when I sleep?

Click to shrink...

You can't force a relationship for the sake of pets.

 

[Kyuuji]

I stand by what a I wrote. I think this is unfair and making too many assumptions.

As above, OP is the one here admitting to their negative traits, behaviours, and contributions. Were the girlfriend in here doing the same, we might be hearing things that put a lot of this into context.

it is absolutely, imo, unfair to assume those "jokes and prods" are harmless and acceptable.

Click to shrink...

I stand by what I wrote too lol. I don't think it's an unfair perspective to bring to the table. One that could account for where those prods came from.

 

[astro]

I stand by what I wrote too lol. I don't think it's an unfair perspective to bring to the table, that could account for where those prods came from.

Click to shrink...

Again, as above, it is a common thing for a person to open up about their own issue while downplaying the other person's, or maybe not even be full aware of just how toxic that other person is being.

"Joking and prodding" could easily be a way a person justifies more harmful behaviours, we should not ignore that.

 

[rras1994]

I stand by what a I wrote. I think this is unfair and making too many assumptions.

As above, OP is the one here admitting to their negative traits, behaviours, and contributions. Were the girlfriend in here doing the same, we might be hearing things that put a lot of this into context.

it is absolutely, imo, unfair to assume those "jokes and prods" are harmless and acceptable.

Click to shrink...

OP admitted after being called out and honestly is still very vague about exactly how much they actually contribute to the household and how much his girlfriend has to do. I'm not going to be fair when I know exactly how much women statistically do of household tasks and when the OP omitted in their first post about how he hadn't been contributing financially and expected her to while he still spent money on his hobbies. And his posts are mainly about loving his dogs and not his girlfriend. And he pretty much turned it all on her again when he clearly has been using her for months. His behaviour towards her has been terrible so I'm not going to pretend her jabs toward his hobby are equal when as OP has stated earlier even she admits are her more bothered about it with the financial stuff.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Her joking and prodding, it was harsh to me while she laughed about it. I held in my tears because I just wanted us to start talking about other things and spending time together. Even if it was a few jokes, I thought after a day of talking and hanging out, she'd get we should both stop picking on each other and work on moving forward.

And yes, I walk the dogs. She doesn't, which is fine. She's very busy with work. One of the dogs is older so she goes out less, the other two I take together. I also clean the kitchen almost daily, have been since we got this place together.

 

[astro]

OP admitted after being called out and honestly is still very vague about exactly how much they actually contribute to the household and how much his girlfriend has to do. I'm not going to be fair when I know exactly how much women statistically do of household tasks and when the OP omitted in their first post about how he hadn't been contributing financially and expected her to while he still spent money on his hobbies. And his posts are mainly about loving his dogs and not his girlfriend. And he pretty much turned it all on her again when he clearly has been using her for months. His behaviour towards her has been terrible so I'm not going to pretend her jabs toward his hobby are equal when as OP has stated earlier even she admits are her more bothered about it with the financial stuff.

Click to shrink...

I understand the logic and reason many people are taking that direction.

All I'm saying is that we have one side here, it is common that a person admitting guilt will downplay the other's behaviours. The fact he is talking more about the dogs could be because his girlfriend has spent so much free time watching TLC and spending time on her phone, which could be what pushed him toward using discord/gaming so much and becoming neglectful toward her.

We do not know, we're not professionals and, honestly, threads like these are usually about as good as online prognosis of illness.

I think it's clear these people are trapped in a cycle, OP could very well be the one who is contributing more negatively right now, but we don't know how it started. Some people allow a lot of negative behaviours to happen without it emotionally affecting them directly, and things simply drift apart long term. It could very well be that both of these people were negligent of the relationship, and that over time circumstantial has pushed OP into the position of blame.

It's something to be aware of, that's all. I am all for people giving advice to OP based on what we know, advising them to take ownership of their negative behaviours, to explore exactly how much they value this relationship. They also need to make sure they are being fair with how they feel they are treated, and honest about the contributions of their partner.

This situation is only going to be resolved with both parties willing to honestly address their own contributions and offer them up freely. I think if they can afford it they should find some kind of online counselling service and be guided through this to be sure that it's all being addressed fairly.

Her joking and prodding, it was harsh to me while she laughed about it. I held in my tears because I just wanted us to start talking about other things and spending time together. Even if it was a few jokes, I thought after a day of talking and hanging out, she'd get we should both stop picking on each other and work on moving forward.

And yes, I walk the dogs. She doesn't, which is fine. She's very busy with work. One of the dogs is older so she goes out less, the other two I take together. I also clean the kitchen almost daily, have been since we got this place together.

Click to shrink...

You are getting a lot of flack in this thread, and while some of it does seem deserved via your own admissions of negative behaviour, your own well being is important and your feelings are valid.

This sounds like a really difficult situation, and it's very hard to come to a place like this and open up about it. Especially when people are constantly hounding you for "more info" to satisfy their own cravings.

I would suggest perhaps locking this thread for now and taking some time to consider it all. My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to.

Also, as above, is it possible for you two to be able to afford some kind of online counselling?

 

[Fatoy]

As someone who went through far too many relationships looking for someone exactly like me, only to find that I didn't like myself when I was reflected back at me, and who then went on to marry someone who's almost nothing like me, I can tell you that having things in common is vastly overrated. Especially trivial things like taste in films.

 

[Indy in the Fridge]

Her joking and prodding, it was harsh to me while she laughed about it. I held in my tears because I just wanted us to start talking about other things and spending time together. Even if it was a few jokes, I thought after a day of talking and hanging out, she'd get we should both stop picking on each other and work on moving forward.

And yes, I walk the dogs. She doesn't, which is fine. She's very busy with work. One of the dogs is older so she goes out less, the other two I take together. I also clean the kitchen almost daily, have been since we got this place together.

Click to shrink...

it takes practice. things can't be fixed in one day. we become rooted in our behaviors and it takes active work to break out of it. but recognize that your feelings are still valid in all of this.

 

[sgtnosboss]

This is a gaming forum and I love games myself, but if you are getting so lost in discord and video games, you forget to eat or that she exists for several hours... Then the problem here is you op, that's called an addiction. If you wanna see the harsh end of that I have several friends that have no s/o, live alone, dirty apartment, only eat microwave or fast food meals, up all night and day gaming and discord and missing work or showing up late to work because they can't stay awake, barely shower, never leave the house... Basically don't do anything but game, shit, and sleep and no words said to them have been able to pull them out of that routine.

 

[sgtnosboss]

Missed multiple pages of clarification and I no longer stand by op

 

[Nastrodamous]

relationships are about communication + respect.

 

[MrKirov]

Double post.

 

[rjinaz]

You can't force a relationship for the sake of pets.

Click to shrink...

For many people pets are their kids. They have the same amount of emotional bonding after years and this is especially true if they raised them from a puppy. I know it's hard for some to understand but it's true. You can debate whether that is emotionally healthy or whatever but it is what it is. The situation is worse though because you are likely to lose that pet for good. There probably won't be any regular visits or the like. They are just gone forever. When my dog died I mourned for 6 months.

Basically what I am saying is OP needs to weigh things. Honestly if the choice for me was to be in a slightly unhappy relationship or lose my dog forever I know what I would do. I'd find a way to make things work even if I'm unhappy. It's all about choices.

 

[MazeHaze]

For many people pets are their kids. They have the same amount of emotional bonding after years and this is especially true if they raised them from a puppy. I know it's hard for some to understand but it's true. The situation is worse though because you are likely to lose that pet for good. There probably won't be any regular visits or the like. They are just gone forever. When my dog died I mourned for 6 months.

Basically what I am saying is OP needs to weigh things. Honestly if the choice for me was to be in a slightly unhappy relationship or lose my dog forever I know what I would do. I'd find a way to make things work even if I'm unhappy. It's all about choices.

Click to shrink...

I get that, and it's hard. But staying in an unhappy/failing relationship for the dogs is just going to do more damage in the long run

 

[Kyuuji]

Her joking and prodding, it was harsh to me while she laughed about it. I held in my tears because I just wanted us to start talking about other things and spending time together. Even if it was a few jokes, I thought after a day of talking and hanging out, she'd get we should both stop picking on each other and work on moving forward.

And yes, I walk the dogs. She doesn't, which is fine. She's very busy with work. One of the dogs is older so she goes out less, the other two I take together. I also clean the kitchen almost daily, have been since we got this place together.

Click to shrink...

It sounds like you're being a little short sighted in how long things like this can take to patch over, especially when they've been going on for awhile. It was only a couple of nights ago you said you completely missed dinner she was cooking by hours. That no doubt hurt her and spending a day together isn't an olive branch or good will on your part, it's just what couples usually want to do. To her it might seem a bit rich for you to start talking about what you both need to do to heal the relationship after such a recent instance of your behaviour causing a rift. Whether that's logical to you or not, it might still be the case – emotions are emotions.

 

[DonNadie]

OP, months of your immature and irresponsible behavior are not just going to go away by having a single good day/conversation. Honestly you're lucky she hasn't left you and move on with her life. You have lots of work to do to earn back her affection and trust. However, if I was one of her friends I'd be telling her to dump you ASAP, so prepare for the hammer to drop OP.

 

[MrKirov]

But I did admit my issues yesterday.

I'm just saying today she was picking on me a little again, I thought we had talked about how we wouldn't do that and work on not doing that. Then she got annoyed hearing that and said basically, "I'm not even allowed to joke?", shut down and when I asked what's wrong, she said she feels miserable. Went on her phone, I asked her what's wrong and she said, "nothing". Now she's laying away from me.

Click to shrink...

Let me tell you a little story OP. It's a little different to yours, but the situation is somewhat similar.

But let me preface it with a simple, honest and upfront truth: If you continue as you are, and don't stop trying to justify your crappy behaviour, your relationship will end, and you will lose everything.

I know, because it happened to me.

Similar situation. Lived with my then partner, 10 year relationship. Over time we were very different in some ways, and the same in others- like most relationships. But we loved each other, for a long time.

I developed anxiety, and had some issues which she stuck with me through, could never have asked for more love and support with it. Some stuff happened with our house, and we bought another- it's a long story I won't bore you with, but it was the shittiest year and a half we had seen.

I thought moving would resolve my anxiety, but it didn't, it continued and the effect drained both me and her on a daily basis.

"She should support you" you think, "you were sick, she shouldn't leave for that"

No. My actions changed, and I didn't see it. Like you, I'd spend more time gaming, or more time in bad moods. I'd spend less time cleaning and helping and looking forward to doing the things we wanted to do in the house, instead everything was a massive chore.

She thought it would be short term and ploughed on, taking these things over and cooking, cleaning, planning- all the rest.

And I let it happen, little by little. At first I thought "Well, I'm struggling, I'm not well, she knows this because she's been so good with me". But eventually that became normal, and slowly it becomes that little bit more selfish, until that's the norm

Looking back now, with clarity, I realised she would work all day, come home to find nothing done, do it all, cook and clean, play with and feed the cat, and then sit down infront of the telly, and what would be there? Me playing games. In my own world, worries about me and my anxiety and all the rest without a thought of what she was doing.

It went on, without me ever realising she was walking on eggshells and becoming a different, unhappy person because she no longer had my support day to day.

She spoke to me many times, and I never took it seriously. I eventually agreed to go to counselling, and for the first time she became happy at the thought it would be fixed- she stuck around because that's what she wanted, for me to be me, and us to be us again.

it sounds similar to you right? She supported you while you were jobless? What did you do when things were better and you had a job and could contribute? ... Well, you started ignoring her, letting her cook, not spending time with her and started slagging off HER way of coping with the crap situation around her with trash TV? Don't you think that cuts her a bit?

I ended up getting a new job, and the counselling was going to overlap with the new job- so without a thought I cancelled it- and justified it by saying the job was more important.

About a week or two later, 3 days after starting the new job, I came home to our new house and she was gone. Took all her stuff, took our beloved cat which I adored, and left me a note saying she couldn't be in the relationship anymore.

My actions up to that point was a constant drain on both of us, and I selfishly only saw my point of view and didn't take her into account at all.

10 years of life built up, gone. And my beautiful cat what I adored and was basically my therapy cat was gone too.

If you listen to any post here- listen to this one from someone who has been through it. You are being selfish. You are thinking of no one but yourself. That's not a slight against you, I know how easy it is to happen- but trust me when I say if you don't acknowledge it now, everything you fear- your relationship, and your dogs.

The gaming is a red herring. The issue here is your behaviour, so stop focusing on discord and games- the fact is, your lack of understanding and empathy for the effects of your actions are the problem.

Don't let what happened to me, happen to you.

Please.

 

[AHA-Lambda]

OP, months of your immature and irresponsible behavior are not just going to go away by having a single good day/conversation. Honestly you're lucky she hasn't left you and move on with her life. You have lots of work to do to earn back her affection and trust. However, if I was one of her friends I'd be telling her to dump you ASAP, so prepare for the hammer to drop OP.

Click to shrink...

1000% this.
You need to own up and change NOW, else be prepared to get dumped in very short order.
The convo you last described shifting back to the hobbies is likely going to be one of the last straws you have left, if not the last.

I'm really sorry to say it, but if I was a friend of your gf I'd be telling her to leave you.

 

[rjinaz]

I get that, and it's hard. But staying in an unhappy/failing relationship for the dogs is just going to do more damage in the long run

Click to shrink...

I can agree with that. Again it's about choices. I don't think this relationship is beyond saving it's not abusive or destructive. It does however seem like it needs a lot of work.

So again weighing things. OP needs to so just that. Look at the bigger picture, decide what they are willing or unwilling to do. Lay it all out there. Even better make this argument to the gf and let her decide. At least that way that hard choice is out of their hands.

If you cannot discuss and come to a compromise with your partner then you really shouldn't be in that relationship.

 

[AGoodODST]

Last night, while she was cooking dinner for us, I was on Discord. I lost track of time and when I came out to talk to her, she had already eaten dinner. It was 10pm. I honestly thought it was around 8pm. I felt really bad and it hammered home her feelings of just wanting to spend nights together.

Click to shrink...

Honestly had to read this over several times because it's just ridiculous.

This combined with later post...Only thing I can say is that I am genuinely surprised you haven't been dumped already. Good lord.

 

[Chibs]

Honestly, having common interests or hobbies isn't that big of a thing if you ask me. You can date a person with exactly the same interests as you, that doesn't necesarily make them the perfect partner for you. What I find troubling is that your partner seemingly doesn't respect your hobbies and interests, and you don't really seem to respect hers either. That kind of stuff leads to resentment really quickly and it will probably nuke your relationship if you don't sort that stuff out.

Again, focus less on having the same interests and focus on respecting each other's. If you can't make that work, then you're in real trouble.
For the record, that does not mean not changing your routines a little. It always takes two to tango, it's give and take.

 

[bananab]

But I did admit my issues yesterday.

I'm just saying today she was picking on me a little again, I thought we had talked about how we wouldn't do that and work on not doing that. Then she got annoyed hearing that and said basically, "I'm not even allowed to joke?", shut down and when I asked what's wrong, she said she feels miserable. Went on her phone, I asked her what's wrong and she said, "nothing". Now she's laying away from me.

Click to shrink...

I think this goes back to the maturity issue you acknowledged upthread. It's not like when you're a kid, and you can basically say sorry and it's a done deal. It sounds like the gaming has been out of hand for some time, it's going to take a while + a lot of meaningful actions for this to get better, and tbh gaming in general may in fact be a sore spot / no-fly zone for a very, very long time.

 

[Yerffej]

Honestly, having common interests or hobbies isn't that big of a thing if you ask me. You can date a person with exactly the same interests as you, that doesn't necesarily make them the perfect partner for you. What I find troubling is that your partner seemingly doesn't respect your hobbies and interests, and you don't really seem to respect hers either. That kind of stuff leads to resentment really quickly and it will probably nuke your relationship if you don't sort that stuff out.

Again, focus less on having the same interests and focus on respecting each other's. If you can't make that work, then you're in real trouble.

Click to shrink...

Yep, this is key.

 

[leafcutter]

No video games for one year, young man. You're grounded!

(But seriously take a long break from gaming and discord until this is figured out one way or another)

 

[sensui-tomo]

Did OP really think this was going to blow over in a night or two... Dude this is something you're going to have to figure out yourself whether or not you want to do or not. This is going to be a long process for you and if she makes fun of you a bit or teases... well remember that you're the one who wanted to buy video games while having your sugar mama pay for your rent/car/food etc at one point. She deserves some kind of release for being put into that situation by you, and if it's some slight teasing... just take it.
As bad as this part will sound, you did bring this on yourself when you continued dismissed your girlfriend and recklessly spent what little money you did have on games and not important stuff for the both of you (and however many pets you have)

 

[Mendrox]

Last night, while she was cooking dinner for us, I was on Discord. I lost track of time and when I came out to talk to her, she had already eaten dinner. It was 10pm. I honestly thought it was around 8pm. I felt really bad and it hammered home her feelings of just wanting to spend nights together.

Click to shrink...

I am always surprised how something like this happened to people. Don't people look at the clock?

 

[shnurgleton]

How do such self absorbed people end up in relationships for years? I would never leave my girlfriend hanging for hours if she was making dinner. Honestly I'd be helping make dinner. And, holy shit at continuing to buy dumb shit instead of chip in for rent and bills. Holy, shit. This is basic stuff, people; if you love someone, you love them, you should not expect her to fucking support you at every turn

B b b but I walk the dogs, I do the dishes

You're gonna have to do a lot more than that, pal. Maybe stop making fun of her for enjoying what she enjoys, start having some shred of self awareness, and start respecting her and helping her instead of being a shitty shitty roommate

 

[Razmos]

OP really needs to get his priorities straight, the thing about the dinner and the bills is just pathetic and I really feel for how his girlfriend must be feeling. If I made dinner for my boyfriend and he straight up just didn't turn up for it for no good reason I'd be devastated

 

[mordecaii83]

The problem isn't that one of you plays games and one of you doesn't, or that one of you is really into social media and reality tv and the other one isn't. Plenty of stable relationships work out just fine when this happens. My wife does not like videogames *at all* but will leave me alone to play one when the mood strikes me.

The problem is that you *resent* your partner for these things:



That right there? Needs to stop yesterday. I imagine her behavior is similar. You two should seek counseling to deal with this before discussing marriage or buying a house.

Click to shrink...

I know I'm really late to this thread, but this is my answer as well 100%. People have different interests, in fact it's healthy to have different interests. Treating your partner's interests like they're "lesser" than yours or that they're something to be made fun of is a huge problem and a terrible attitude to have.

It sounds to me like you both need to step back and realize as long as you're happy doing what you do and as long as you're able to spend time together happily then there should be no problem. My wife doesn't play games but she knows I enjoy it, while I don't watch TV shows but I know that's her thing and we respect each other's interests. We still do other things together like exercise, watch movies, talk, play with our dogs, etc.

How do such self absorbed people end up in relationships for years? I would never leave my girlfriend hanging for hours if she was making dinner. Honestly I'd be helping make dinner. And, holy shit at continuing to buy dumb shit instead of chip in for rent and bills. Holy, shit. This is basic stuff, people; if you love someone, you love them, you should not expect her to fucking support you at every turn

B b b but I walk the dogs, I do the dishes

You're gonna have to do a lot more than that, pal

Click to shrink...

Oh shit, looks like I missed a lot by stopping at the first page... OP, sounds like you personally have some things you need to work on because what's quoted above is not ok.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Let me tell you a little story OP. It's a little different to yours, but the situation is somewhat similar.

But let me preface it with a simple, honest and upfront truth: If you continue as you are, and don't stop trying to justify your crappy behaviour, your relationship will end, and you will lose everything.

I know, because it happened to me.

Similar situation. Lived with my then partner, 10 year relationship. Over time we were very different in some ways, and the same in others- like most relationships. But we loved each other, for a long time.

I developed anxiety, and had some issues which she stuck with me through, could never have asked for more love and support with it. Some stuff happened with our house, and we bought another- it's a long story I won't bore you with, but it was the shittiest year and a half we had seen.

I thought moving would resolve my anxiety, but it didn't, it continued and the effect drained both me and her on a daily basis.

"She should support you" you think, "you were sick, she shouldn't leave for that"

No. My actions changed, and I didn't see it. Like you, I'd spend more time gaming, or more time in bad moods. I'd spend less time cleaning and helping and looking forward to doing the things we wanted to do in the house, instead everything was a massive chore.

She thought it would be short term and ploughed on, taking these things over and cooking, cleaning, planning- all the rest.

And I let it happen, little by little. At first I thought "Well, I'm struggling, I'm not well, she knows this because she's been so good with me". But eventually that became normal, and slowly it becomes that little bit more selfish, until that's the norm

Looking back now, with clarity, I realised she would work all day, come home to find nothing done, do it all, cook and clean, play with and feed the cat, and then sit down infront of the telly, and what would be there? Me playing games. In my own world, worries about me and my anxiety and all the rest without a thought of what she was doing.

It went on, without me ever realising she was walking on eggshells and becoming a different, unhappy person because she no longer had my support day to day.

She spoke to me many times, and I never took it seriously. I eventually agreed to go to counselling, and for the first time she became happy at the thought it would be fixed- she stuck around because that's what she wanted, for me to be me, and us to be us again.

it sounds similar to you right? She supported you while you were jobless? What did you do when things were better and you had a job and could contribute? ... Well, you started ignoring her, letting her cook, not spending time with her and started slagging off HER way of coping with the crap situation around her with trash TV? Don't you think that cuts her a bit?

I ended up getting a new job, and the counselling was going to overlap with the new job- so without a thought I cancelled it- and justified it by saying the job was more important.

About a week or two later, 3 days after starting the new job, I came home to our new house and she was gone. Took all her stuff, took our beloved cat which I adored, and left me a note saying she couldn't be in the relationship anymore.

My actions up to that point was a constant drain on both of us, and I selfishly only saw my point of view and didn't take her into account at all.

10 years of life built up, gone. And my beautiful cat what I adored and was basically my therapy cat was gone too.

If you listen to any post here- listen to this one from someone who has been through it. You are being selfish. You are thinking of no one but yourself. That's not a slight against you, I know how easy it is to happen- but trust me when I say if you don't acknowledge it now, everything you fear- your relationship, and your dogs.

The gaming is a red herring. The issue here is your behaviour, so stop focusing on discord and games- the fact is, your lack of understanding and empathy for the effects of your actions are the problem.

Don't let what happened to me, happen to you.

Please.

Click to shrink...

Thank you so much for this. This had more of an effect on me than most of the others.

We talked again and I apologized for trying to "two side" the whole thing. I clearly have trouble seeing the root cause. She told me one of the reasons she got mad at me is because I told her to "grow up" after she picked on me a couple of times instead of laughing it off. She said hearing those words upset her so much, she just didn't feel like seeing or talking to me.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Let me tell you a little story OP. It's a little different to yours, but the situation is somewhat similar.

But let me preface it with a simple, honest and upfront truth: If you continue as you are, and don't stop trying to justify your crappy behaviour, your relationship will end, and you will lose everything.

I know, because it happened to me.

Similar situation. Lived with my then partner, 10 year relationship. Over time we were very different in some ways, and the same in others- like most relationships. But we loved each other, for a long time.

I developed anxiety, and had some issues which she stuck with me through, could never have asked for more love and support with it. Some stuff happened with our house, and we bought another- it's a long story I won't bore you with, but it was the shittiest year and a half we had seen.

I thought moving would resolve my anxiety, but it didn't, it continued and the effect drained both me and her on a daily basis.

"She should support you" you think, "you were sick, she shouldn't leave for that"

No. My actions changed, and I didn't see it. Like you, I'd spend more time gaming, or more time in bad moods. I'd spend less time cleaning and helping and looking forward to doing the things we wanted to do in the house, instead everything was a massive chore.

She thought it would be short term and ploughed on, taking these things over and cooking, cleaning, planning- all the rest.

And I let it happen, little by little. At first I thought "Well, I'm struggling, I'm not well, she knows this because she's been so good with me". But eventually that became normal, and slowly it becomes that little bit more selfish, until that's the norm

Looking back now, with clarity, I realised she would work all day, come home to find nothing done, do it all, cook and clean, play with and feed the cat, and then sit down infront of the telly, and what would be there? Me playing games. In my own world, worries about me and my anxiety and all the rest without a thought of what she was doing.

It went on, without me ever realising she was walking on eggshells and becoming a different, unhappy person because she no longer had my support day to day.

She spoke to me many times, and I never took it seriously. I eventually agreed to go to counselling, and for the first time she became happy at the thought it would be fixed- she stuck around because that's what she wanted, for me to be me, and us to be us again.

it sounds similar to you right? She supported you while you were jobless? What did you do when things were better and you had a job and could contribute? ... Well, you started ignoring her, letting her cook, not spending time with her and started slagging off HER way of coping with the crap situation around her with trash TV? Don't you think that cuts her a bit?

I ended up getting a new job, and the counselling was going to overlap with the new job- so without a thought I cancelled it- and justified it by saying the job was more important.

About a week or two later, 3 days after starting the new job, I came home to our new house and she was gone. Took all her stuff, took our beloved cat which I adored, and left me a note saying she couldn't be in the relationship anymore.

My actions up to that point was a constant drain on both of us, and I selfishly only saw my point of view and didn't take her into account at all.

10 years of life built up, gone. And my beautiful cat what I adored and was basically my therapy cat was gone too.

If you listen to any post here- listen to this one from someone who has been through it. You are being selfish. You are thinking of no one but yourself. That's not a slight against you, I know how easy it is to happen- but trust me when I say if you don't acknowledge it now, everything you fear- your relationship, and your dogs.

The gaming is a red herring. The issue here is your behaviour, so stop focusing on discord and games- the fact is, your lack of understanding and empathy for the effects of your actions are the problem.

Don't let what happened to me, happen to you.

Please.

Click to shrink...

Thank you so much for this. This had more of an effect on me than most of the others.

We talked again and I apologized for trying to "two side" the whole thing. I clearly have trouble seeing the root cause. She told me one of the reasons she got mad at me is because I told her to "grow up" after she picked on me a couple of times instead of laughing it off. She said hearing those words upset her so much, she just didn't feel like seeing or talking to me.

 

[gozu]

<snip>

Click to shrink...

Listen to this man.

I am not going to place blame on either OP or GF because it ultimately does not affect the ultimate situation.

If you're not both (mostly) happy then you should break up.

People get divorces when they have multiple CHILDREN together because it's still better than being stuck in an unhappy (and therefore toxic) relationship.

So do NOT use your dogs as a reason because it absolutely PALES with the above.

Fix it or get out. Yeah?

 

[LegendofJoe]

Covid-19 coupled with your wife not having a lot of friends (with an inattentive bf being all she has) are likely a big reason why she's miserable. She's stuck in a rut like a lot of us are right now. Let her know that it's okay and you will stand by her and support her doing whatever she needs to be happy. Make sure she knows through your actions and your words that her wellbeing is important to you.

Also, behavior doesn't change overnight, so don't be discouraged that things aren't immediately better. Keep at it and prove to her that you've changed. Sooner or later she will respond to it, especially if you also prioritize her wellbeing and encourage her to address what's making her unhappy.

Don't be one of the main reasons for her unhappiness, be a true partner by being a source of stability, love, and comfort.

 

[mordecaii83]

Thank you so much for this. This had more of an effect on me than most of the others.

We talked again and I apologized for trying to "two side" the whole thing. I clearly have trouble seeing the root cause. She told me one of the reasons she got mad at me is because I told her to "grow up" after she picked on me a couple of times instead of laughing it off. She said hearing those words upset her so much, she just didn't feel like seeing or talking to me.

Click to shrink...

If this is something that has bothered her for years, it's going to take her a while to get over it. The important thing is that instead of getting defensive if it comes up, just calmly explain to her that you know it was a problem and you're committed to working on it, but that the jokes hurt. If you attack her then it's not only hurting her back but making her feel justified with bringing up the issue because it seems you're not actually working to move past it.

 

[Antrax]

Personally I'd have lost quite a lot of respect for you spending UI money on games while she was working and paying the bills. You're saying you got a job and contributing, but the reality is you did real harm and saying "well yeah, but I'm not doing that anymore" isn't a magic bullet to make her forget you being a bum before. This is harsh, but you don't sound like a partner, you sound like a child. She made dinner and you got too wrapped up in vidya to come eat the food she cooked for you?

Try some empathy here and put yourself in her shoes. Is that a life and role she seemed like she would want? Eating alone because her adult partner won't get off Discord? Worrying about you blowing money yall don't have on games while she gets all the bills? This is stuff parents of teens have to deal with, not adults in romantic relationships.

Tbh, you don't sound like you love her anyway. Just the dogs. But if you do actually care for her specifically (not the life you've built up but her as a person), then you need to box up the games for awhile and show her that you're not that person anymore. Words aren't enough here. You gotta actually invest in this.

 

[Nerdcy]

But I did admit my issues yesterday.

I'm just saying today she was picking on me a little again, I thought we had talked about how we wouldn't do that and work on not doing that. Then she got annoyed hearing that and said basically, "I'm not even allowed to joke?", shut down and when I asked what's wrong, she said she feels miserable. Went on her phone, I asked her what's wrong and she said, "nothing". Now she's laying away from me.

Click to shrink...

OP, it's not going to blow over in a day. You spent months not contributing financially and emotionally. It's going to take her a while to believe that you've changed.

Please go to counseling. Not couples counseling but for yourself. You really seem to not understand why your actions have and continue to cause hurt. It will also help you figure out if you actually want to stay in this relationship.

You might have to acknowledge that she will now never be okay with you gaming and discord. My husband was addicted to WOW for a while and knows that if he ever decided to get back into it, it's something that would break apart our relationship.

Because there has already been a loss in trust, you're relationship can never go back the way it was. You absolutely can work toward me a new different happy relationship but only if you're both willing to put in the work.

 

[PeakPointMatrix]

Let me tell you a little story OP. It's a little different to yours, but the situation is somewhat similar.

But let me preface it with a simple, honest and upfront truth: If you continue as you are, and don't stop trying to justify your crappy behaviour, your relationship will end, and you will lose everything.

I know, because it happened to me.

Similar situation. Lived with my then partner, 10 year relationship. Over time we were very different in some ways, and the same in others- like most relationships. But we loved each other, for a long time.

I developed anxiety, and had some issues which she stuck with me through, could never have asked for more love and support with it. Some stuff happened with our house, and we bought another- it's a long story I won't bore you with, but it was the shittiest year and a half we had seen.

I thought moving would resolve my anxiety, but it didn't, it continued and the effect drained both me and her on a daily basis.

"She should support you" you think, "you were sick, she shouldn't leave for that"

No. My actions changed, and I didn't see it. Like you, I'd spend more time gaming, or more time in bad moods. I'd spend less time cleaning and helping and looking forward to doing the things we wanted to do in the house, instead everything was a massive chore.

She thought it would be short term and ploughed on, taking these things over and cooking, cleaning, planning- all the rest.

And I let it happen, little by little. At first I thought "Well, I'm struggling, I'm not well, she knows this because she's been so good with me". But eventually that became normal, and slowly it becomes that little bit more selfish, until that's the norm

Looking back now, with clarity, I realised she would work all day, come home to find nothing done, do it all, cook and clean, play with and feed the cat, and then sit down infront of the telly, and what would be there? Me playing games. In my own world, worries about me and my anxiety and all the rest without a thought of what she was doing.

It went on, without me ever realising she was walking on eggshells and becoming a different, unhappy person because she no longer had my support day to day.

She spoke to me many times, and I never took it seriously. I eventually agreed to go to counselling, and for the first time she became happy at the thought it would be fixed- she stuck around because that's what she wanted, for me to be me, and us to be us again.

it sounds similar to you right? She supported you while you were jobless? What did you do when things were better and you had a job and could contribute? ... Well, you started ignoring her, letting her cook, not spending time with her and started slagging off HER way of coping with the crap situation around her with trash TV? Don't you think that cuts her a bit?

I ended up getting a new job, and the counselling was going to overlap with the new job- so without a thought I cancelled it- and justified it by saying the job was more important.

About a week or two later, 3 days after starting the new job, I came home to our new house and she was gone. Took all her stuff, took our beloved cat which I adored, and left me a note saying she couldn't be in the relationship anymore.

My actions up to that point was a constant drain on both of us, and I selfishly only saw my point of view and didn't take her into account at all.

10 years of life built up, gone. And my beautiful cat what I adored and was basically my therapy cat was gone too.

If you listen to any post here- listen to this one from someone who has been through it. You are being selfish. You are thinking of no one but yourself. That's not a slight against you, I know how easy it is to happen- but trust me when I say if you don't acknowledge it now, everything you fear- your relationship, and your dogs.

The gaming is a red herring. The issue here is your behaviour, so stop focusing on discord and games- the fact is, your lack of understanding and empathy for the effects of your actions are the problem.

Don't let what happened to me, happen to you.

Please.

Click to shrink...

Have you been ok since then?

 

[BronzeWolf]

Thank you so much for this. This had more of an effect on me than most of the others.

We talked again and I apologized for trying to "two side" the whole thing. I clearly have trouble seeing the root cause. She told me one of the reasons she got mad at me is because I told her to "grow up" after she picked on me a couple of times instead of laughing it off. She said hearing those words upset her so much, she just didn't feel like seeing or talking to me.

Click to shrink...

What are you doing to get a job?

 

[Kumquat]

I've been with my gf for 4 years. We have a small apartment together a few dogs.

We've always had financial issues, mostly with me being laid off and always looking for work while she covers the bills. It's caused a lot of stress but financially, we are in a better place now.

We're looking at a home right to buy and even thinking about marriage, we discussed it last year. But there's something that's been bugging me and her and it's been causing arguments a lot lately: we don't have a lot in common.

Our politics, thoughts on religion and general attitude towards like and people are the same. No issues there. It's everything outside of that and it make things seem silly but...almost every night there's comments from either one of us that sours the mood. Ruins almost every night.

She hates fiction, mostly movies and videogames. She prefers "reality" tv and keeps TLC on for hours to binge. But, if I play a videogame for a couple of hours with friends, I never hear the end of it and it leads to harsh words. I pick on her for watching her shows that have no basis in reality and are in my opinion for the lowest common denominator and she says all I do is talk to my friends and play games. It sounds really silly I think but it's been like this at least 3-4 times a week.

It's effected our sex life, it makes us miserable when we sleep sometimes and it always leads to a "talk" where we agree that maybe I am online too much. But I keep telling her, we grew up differently. That playing videogames for an hour two a night or a few hours a week in my household was the same as watching hours of TV etc. Plus, she's on her phone constantly with TikTok and Instagram (I don't use social media) and thinks that's okay but that I'm addicted to Discord because I like talking to my friends that way during the pandemic. I tried to explain to her that me talking to my friends virtually is no different than her spending time on social media.

I think my point is, lately I'm like, can this really effect a relationship? It's just pastimes and hobbies or both...

Im actually crying writing this because the dogs we have, they're our children. I can't imagine life without them. I want to be there for them forever and how do avoid all this stress and depression from the relationship to be with them? I don't know. It's always "the grass is greener on the other side" when I think what if we're apart but then I cry thinking how I can't imagine a day without her and the dogs in the future.

Click to shrink...

Part of it depends on what you want in life. My wife and I have a similar dynamic that you and your GF do. Does it suck sometimes? Yeah. We still find some common points. Like when I play Fallguys she will do a level or two and hand it back to me for the hard ones. I actually got her to watch two Harry Potter movies so far which is an accomplishment.

My point is, we are very different, but we also attack problems from two different ends of the spectrum. I'm really good at big picture strategic thinking and she's really good at following that vision and finding a way to make it happen. We own our own business and have real estate investments together and we do it as a team. We are a great power couple and get shit done, but there is a trade off. I was willing to make it though. No relationship is perfect and it requires work. I picked her because she's so different and it helps balance me and makes us an incredibly effective team in the business world.

I hope some of that helps. Good luck to you.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

What are you doing to get a job?

Click to shrink...

I got a nice job this month. Pays better than my previous work and much easier for me in many ways so less stress.

 

[Rune Walsh]

Picking on each other over your hobbies is a big red flag. If you love someone, you accept what they like and don't mock them for it. If it's becoming a huge impedement to time better spent on your relationship, you need to state it like that. My wife likes HGTV but it's something I'll watch with her sometimes because we like to mock it together. She doesn't mind me playing games because she knows it's how I relax. The only thing we'll get on each other's case for is spending time looking at screens before we put our daughter to bed. All time from 4-8 is family time where phones are not allowed.

 

[Stone Cold]

I find that playing games can be a very dangerously unhealthy hobby if you let it be. Doing anything for 2-4 hours at a time isn't good for a relationship, nor do I think it's good for you either. Every now and then, sure; but you should really try finding other things that you enjoy that can be enjoyed with someone else if you want your relationship to work

 

[BronzeWolf]

I got a nice job this month. Pays better than my previous work and much easier for me in many ways so less stress.

Click to shrink...

That's a good start.

So couple of things first.

Did you splurge her out when you got your first check?
Do you own this apartment together?
How are you doing finances together?
What do chores and responsibilities look like, as in what's a typical week? Who cooks, does laundry, folding, taking care of the pets, organizing, sweeping and mopping, taking the trash out, doing the dishes, doing the groceries?
What kind of car did you get?

 

[MrKirov]

Have you been ok since then?

Click to shrink...

It's been a struggle, not going to lie. It's been nearly two years since, but there's not a day that goes by without a lament for my old life.

The house saga goes on, but I've made a decision to buy the house from her. It's a huge place for just me, but it feels like a wise move financially- and will at least get some closure.

I went a bit mad for a bit, dating, going out shagging everything in sight, been hurt by women since and done a bit of hurting myself I guess.

I'm in a solid, mostly secure mental place now, and I'm comfortable on my own at least.

Although it didn't take me long to adopt a rescue cat to pour my attention and love into.

The irony is, that I'm completely self sufficient,do all the cooking, cleaning, chores, all while working a tough full time job- and in the same house that was causing me anxiety in the first place- which means that I could have done it before when she was around with no trouble!

That's life. Sometimes you've got to get beaten down to realise you can get back up again I guess.

 

[AliceAmber]

OP, are there are any hobbies you can do together that you've both expressed interest in? Board/card games can be a lot of fun!

 

[pizoxuat]

Resentment will eat you both from the inside and destroy the relationship, and it sounds like you both have a lot of resentment boiling inside. If you both want the relationship to continue, and you both should take some time to really think about the answer to that question, you should both seek individual counselling and when your therapists both think you are ready then you should start couples counselling. But know that counselling in itself isn't a magic solve. Sometimes the answer is "it's time to figure out how to separate without doing more damage in the process."

 

[Helmholtz]

It's been a struggle, not going to lie. It's been nearly two years since, but there's not a day that goes by without a lament for my old life.

The house saga goes on, but I've made a decision to buy the house from her. It's a huge place for just me, but it feels like a wise move financially- and will at least get some closure.

I went a bit mad for a bit, dating, going out shagging everything in sight, been hurt by women since and done a bit of hurting myself I guess.

I'm in a solid, mostly secure mental place now, and I'm comfortable on my own at least.

Although it didn't take me long to adopt a rescue cat to pour my attention and love into.

The irony is, that I'm completely self sufficient,do all the cooking, cleaning, chores, all while working a tough full time job- and in the same house that was causing me anxiety in the first place- which means that I could have done it before when she was around with no trouble!

That's life. Sometimes you've got to get beaten down to realise you can get back up again I guess.

Click to shrink...

I read your previous post, and good to see you're on track to getting yourself back together. It sounds like you learned a lot from your previous relationship, and I don't doubt that someday you'll find yourself in another (if that's what you want) and you'll be a lot more aware of these things.

 

[BronzeWolf]

Resentment will eat you both from the inside and destroy the relationship, and it sounds like you both have a lot of resentment boiling inside. If you both want the relationship to continue, and you both should take some time to really think about the answer to that question, you should both seek individual counselling and when your therapists both think you are ready then you should start couples counselling. But know that counselling in itself isn't a magic solve. Sometimes the answer is "it's time to figure out how to separate without doing more damage in the process."

Click to shrink...

They need to start communicating a whole lot more. Right now.

OP's gf clamping up and not talking is not working, and OP needs to find a way to entice her to open up again. Treating her well is the absolute first step.