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Oct 27, 2017
45,240
Seattle
We got married 7 years ago in Vegas. Walking around the town all day left the bottom of the dress quite dirty, and the dress has been hanging in a bag on the side of the wardrobe ever since. Sort of mentioned cleaning it a few times. I wondered whether we left it that long that it would be nice to keep it dirt and all. We've been having a big tidy up lately. Not quite Marie Kondo, but certainly getting a load of stuff cleared out.

I said "So shall we clean the wedding dress before we bag it up?", and my wife says she was thinking of just sending it to the charity shop.... I have mixed feelings about this. It's just sat taking up space, but there seems something not right about saying goodbye to it. Shouldnt it be in an attic so that one day when we're old we can unbox it and look at it? That's what you do, right? I don't care now, but what if elderly me regrets throwing it away? Thoughts?

Also, if she gets rid of the wedding dress, what will my wife wear when she's a ghost?

Edit: To clarify, it's not an argument between me and her about the subject. It isn't causing conflict. It's pretty much a given that if i do want us to keep it, we can and will.

I can understand why you have an attachment to it, it was a huge day for you guys.

But..its her dress, and if she feels that someone can get use and value out of it, instead of just being stuck in your attic gathering dust? Let her donate it. You aren't throwing it away, it's not like it is going to the garbage can, It is going where it can be re-used for another person's special day, maybe someone who wasn't as fortunate as you to be able to afford the dress.

So let her donate it.
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,051
I totally get your side OP, I am a person of high sentimentality so even the smallest objects and trinkets mean the absolute world to me.

Don't let everyone here trod on you calling you selfish or whatever; if you believe keeping it is good for you then do so. Look after yourself before just appeasing the mob in a situation like this.
 

EN1GMA

Avenger
Nov 7, 2017
3,277
If it means that much to you then perhaps let your wife know. She probably has no clue you feel that way.
 

DarkChronic

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,037
I don't think you're selfish at all OP, I get sentimental about this stuff too.

At the end of the day, I would let my wife make the final decision, it's her dress. But you know, if you really want to keep it, she should be cool with that decision, too.

Also, I lol'd at the "what will she wear when she's a ghost" line
 

thewienke

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,957
I think I'm going to just let it go. We'll probably take it out of the bag and say bye bye, but yeah, it's just taking up space.

Also, some of you guys need to try and word your responses a little more politely. I asked for opinions and thoughts, not abrasive comments.

I think some people are getting hung up on the sense of ownership in marriage because everyone does it differently.

Saying that it was our wedding and our dress makes sense in my own marriage because we have joint checking accounts, we're both on the deed and note on the house and cars, we plan all major purchases, we budget every month, etc. etc. So in your instance, obviously it was her wedding dress but it's more "our" sentimentality from "our" wedding which was giving you pause.

I've seen some marriage arrangements that would be aghast at the concept that you could claim any ownership on the dress - sentimental or not. Maybe they have separate checking accounts, still refer to what they earn as "my money", and generally keep objects and titles as separate as possible.

Then I've also seen some rather uncomfortable sounding marriage arrangements (typically older people) where they both earn money but the husband buys what he wants but the wife has to ask permission for any purchases.

Anyway, that's just a long winded way of saying that everyone is going to come at this subject differently with their own world views of the right way to do a marriage.

If it's a really nice dress, I always kinda liked the idea of passing on the dress to your children or grandchildren for their wedding day. I've seen a lot of those vintage wedding dresses in weddings over the years and they're always pretty tasteful and a nice way to honor someone's memory.
 

stupei

Member
Oct 26, 2017
2,801
Well, I'm not totally on board with this take. It's also an iconic symbol of our wedding, and to me, in a way it's a souvenir of our marriage.

The actual marriage is the souvenir of the wedding day, not an object. I get why you feel an attachment, but it really isn't the symbol of your wedding: the love and the marriage is. It's just an object that will most likely one day experience deterioration and decay. Don't put too much emphasis on that, you know?

Y'all are fucking childish. Dude clearly loves his wife and feels sentimental about a direct, tangible connection to one of the happiest days of his life. He doesn't owe anyone a theoretically slightly cheaper wedding.

Given that he loves his wife, he should try respecting her decision when she wants to do something good and clear up clutter that literally no one ever does anything with ever. He doesn't owe a stranger anything, sure, but he owes his wife.

It's literally something OP has never done anything with and never ever would. He's just feeling understandably conflicted about it because it feels like the actual act of getting rid of it holds significance, but the reality is that if she hadn't suggested this really selfless and positive thing it would end up in a box, probably get moth eaten, and never get looked at again. That's what happens with wedding dresses.
 

pizoxuat

Member
Jan 12, 2018
1,458
I have an idea that might help you and your wife see eye to eye on this. Buy a chest. Spend on it, make it a really nice once, and negotiate on the size. This is now your Memory Chest. The things you want to remember go into this chest. Things from your wedding, your vacations, baby books and booties should you have children, etc. All your sentimental keepsakes go into the Memory Chest.

There's several big benefits to this. The first is that you know where all your keepsakes are and they are stored safely and protected from spoilage. This is a huge benefit to you, you know that nothing is going to get lost or broken or accidentally given away.

To your wife's benefit, there is a limit. You can't keep everything, because your keepsakes go in the chest and anything that doesn't fit is up for negotiation. If you want to put the dress in there, you can, but that means that other large items won't be able to go in. And that's ok! That is still a space for remembrances and what is important is what you two want to remember.

This also becomes a keepsake down the generations. My great-grandmother had a chest like this. I and my cousins had an amazing couple of afternoons slowly exploring the things that she kept in that chest and discussing what they must have meant.

It's OK to keep sentimental things, it is just also important to not let every thing become sentimental and hold on to everything. I think this is a good method of setting a sane limit that lets both your and your wife have a say.
 

TheIdiot

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
2,729
This is... not a topic for Era lol.

No-one has an emotional attachment to your wedding. Only you can tell if it has enough sentimental value that makes it worth keeping.

Most people here telling you it's not worth keeping probably have 800 physical games in their collection.
 

Drek

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,231
You won't care when you're old. You can help someone now and probably claim a tax write off if you itemize as well. Don't overstate the importance of material possessions as the way to commemorate important moments in your life, that's surrendering yourself to consumerism/materialism and neither is a needed or beneficial building block for a happy marriage or happy life.
 

MilesQ

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,490
Sounds like you have some control and possessive issues to work through, fam.

This sticks out like a sore thumb...

It's pretty much a given that if i do want us to keep it, we can and will.
 

The Albatross

Member
Oct 25, 2017
39,038
I think it's a nice gesture. There's tons of places that take in charitable wedding dresses and it's good that someone else that couldn't afford a designer dress has the opportunity to. Also cleaning a wedding dress is pretty expensive. MY wife's dress was a fucking DISASTER After our wedding. Probably cost $200 or $300 to get it professionally cleaned. Styles also change so much in wedding dresses ... Some women think that, like, their daughter might wear their wedding dress or something when they get married (I think my mom had this idea), but what's in style in 2012 is going to definitely be out of style in ~2042.

now if she were giving away her wedding ring I might feel differently...
 

weemadarthur

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,606
Another option, depending on the fabric of the dress, is to have the fabric reused to make an item you would get more daily use of. Such as a throw blanket. There are shops that specialize in bridal item preservation. Of course this option costs money and some fabrics aren't suitable for uses outside of formalwear.
 

kierwynn

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
198
A wedding dress just sitting there does you no real good. I'm guilty of this as well- my wedding dress is still in a closet at my parents house. lol I understand that feeling of not wanting to give it away, though. Perhaps suggest an alternative to donation if you really don't want to just give it away? The dress can be repurposed into something else that is either more practical or easier to display. Then, at the very least, it's not just sitting around taking up space. I've been very interested in turning mine into a quilt and my mom mentioned something about possibly turning it into something for our baby that is due in 3 months. I've also seen places that turn wedding dresses into like stuffed animals etc. So many great ideas out there!
 

Serein

Member
Mar 7, 2018
2,347
Personally I would be fine with donating it to charity but I'm sure we can all relate to hanging on to something solely for sentimental reasons because of the memories attached to it/them. I suppose though that if you guys ever considered renewing your vows you could use it again or it could be passed on to a family member.
 

Rampage

Member
Oct 27, 2017
3,140
Metro Detriot
If you really not ready to let go of this dress for sentimental reasons, talk to you wife. These are emotions you should work through together. Perhaps you could set a timeline, or just snip of a keepsake piece (without ruining the whole).

However- it is just a dress. Not your memories. Not your wife. Not your love.

It is no different than the suit you wore getting married. It is a piece of clothing. Most men rent their wedding attire- while women buy theirs. It is a waste of money if it is not going to be reused again.

Donating a wedding dress is a great thing. It allows others to share that same joy you had on your wedding day.
 
Last edited:

carlsojo

Member
Oct 28, 2017
33,843
San Francisco
It means so much to you that you left it dirty in a bag for seven years?

You can do what my wife did and get it cleaned and stored in like a display box. The display box just sits in our closet but hey it's better than a bag?
 

mute

â–˛ Legend â–˛
Member
Oct 25, 2017
25,097
Got married in Vegas over a decade ago, have no clue where the dress is. Out of sight, out of mind.

I don't know if I have strong feelings one way or another keeping it vs. donating.
 

Futureman

Member
Oct 26, 2017
9,404
Personally I wouldn't care either way. Whatever my wife wants to do.

When we were planning on marriage last year, my wife's mom took her dress out. Hadn't taken it out in decades and it was all yellow. Seems kind of dumb to just keep it wrapped up in the attic to me.
 

Soda

Member
Oct 26, 2017
8,873
Dunedin, New Zealand
>Shouldnt it be in an attic so that one day when we're old we can unbox it and look at it? That's what you do, right? I don't care now, but what if elderly me regrets throwing it away? Thoughts?

This is how hoarding starts, and I say this as an adult that, as a child, lived with parents that were hoarders.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 44129

User requested account closure
Banned
May 29, 2018
7,690
>Shouldnt it be in an attic so that one day when we're old we can unbox it and look at it? That's what you do, right? I don't care now, but what if elderly me regrets throwing it away? Thoughts?

This is how hoarding starts, and I say this as an adult that, as a child, lived with parents that were hoarders.
I'm definitely not a hoarder. Lots of shit gets given to charity shops. In fact, usually, it's my wife that wants to keep hold of more stuff than i do.
 

PrimeBeef

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
5,840
We got married 7 years ago in Vegas. Walking around the town all day left the bottom of the dress quite dirty, and the dress has been hanging in a bag on the side of the wardrobe ever since. Sort of mentioned cleaning it a few times. I wondered whether we left it that long that it would be nice to keep it dirt and all. We've been having a big tidy up lately. Not quite Marie Kondo, but certainly getting a load of stuff cleared out.

I said "So shall we clean the wedding dress before we bag it up?", and my wife says she was thinking of just sending it to the charity shop.... I have mixed feelings about this. It's just sat taking up space, but there seems something not right about saying goodbye to it. Shouldnt it be in an attic so that one day when we're old we can unbox it and look at it? That's what you do, right? I don't care now, but what if elderly me regrets throwing it away? Thoughts?

Also, if she gets rid of the wedding dress, what will my wife wear when she's a ghost?

Edit: To clarify, it's not an argument between me and her about the subject. It isn't causing conflict. It's pretty much a given that if i do want us to keep it, we can and will.
It's just a dress. That way too much money was spent on it to only be worn once. Just let it go.
 

Ferrio

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,072
Donate it unless you're bringing it out for some occasional wedding dress sex, otherwise it's just taking up space where someone else less fortunate could use it.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
56,969
It's just a dress, it's material the memory is in your mind not the dress itself.

If your wife wants to pass it along so it can be enjoyed by someone else probably in a less fortunate position than you both, that sounds like a wonderful gift.
 

Shodan14

Banned
Oct 30, 2017
9,410
It's just a dress, it's material the memory is in your mind not the dress itself.

If your wife wants to pass it along so it can be enjoyed by someone else probably in a less fortunate position than you both, that sounds like a wonderful gift.
The real dress was the memories made along the way.
 

Dark_EMT

Banned
Apr 19, 2018
571
Talk to your wife and express your feelings. See what's her rational and what the dress means to her. Clearly you hold sentimental value for something that reminds you of one of the biggest day of your life and it's something important to you.
 

sprsk

Resettlement Advisor
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,452
Regardless how you feel about the dress, this is a good couples moment to remember sometimes, it's not about you. I promise, after she donates it, you will stop caring pretty soon after and you have plenty other mementos from the event that will do the trick.

Edit: I should add, if you choose to make a deal out of it, the dress will become a symbol of a stupid argument you had once and in the end make the whole thing not worth it. Let her do what she wants and move on.
 

draculabyte

Video Game and Metal Mashup Shirt Design
Verified
Jun 20, 2019
469
I say if it's already bothering you now, there's a good chance it will bother you years from now. I say keep it. That way you have no regrets. Do you have kids? They may want to see it one day. Especially a little girl.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
56,969
I say if it's already bothering you now, there's a good chance it will bother you years from now. I say keep it. That way you have no regrets. Do you have kids? They may want to see it one day. Especially a little girl.

I don't agree with this at all. Pictures will be fine as will memories. Passing it along to a couple less fortunate is a far better thing.

Also, personally, the entire wedding scene and costs and traditions are not something I would want to install in a child, but that's another conversation.
 

draculabyte

Video Game and Metal Mashup Shirt Design
Verified
Jun 20, 2019
469
I don't agree with this at all. Pictures will be fine as will memories. Passing it along to a couple less fortunate is a far better thing.

Also, personally, the entire wedding scene and costs and traditions are not something I would want to install in a child, but that's another conversation.
I'm just saying as a little girl, I would have loved to try on my mom's wedding dress. She passed away so any part of her is special. It's nothing to do with a wedding or extravagant things.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
56,969
I'm just saying as a little girl, I would have loved to try on my mom's wedding dress. She passed away so any part of her is special. It's nothing to do with a wedding or extravagant things.
Not going to go any further with this as it's tied to a loss and obviously very meanigful for you.

Sorry for your loss.
 

Dynamite Cop

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,002
California
It's her dress, so it should be her decision. I mean, you have photos of her in it from that day, right?

Think of it this way: you spent way too much money that day on food, and it has all been pooped out by everyone since then. Donating a dress for someone else to use isn't a bad thing.