Ummmmm.... using violence in any capacity is a dumb as fuck idea and convincing an abuser that they need to walk away from a situation that they want to have control over is rarely going to work.
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My Sister got beaten up by her Husband - What can i do? (See Staff Post)
- Thread starter JuanLatino
- Start date
Amen to that.
Nothing worse than a grown man beating a women. Fuck that cunt.
That's why I said you don't resort to violence unless you have absolutely no choice and if you can't convince them to leave, you're not saying the right things. Most of the time, men like that are basically wimps who are abusing women because it makes them feel strong. It's not so hard to bring men like that around to your way of thinking.
Report it to the police, and then do everything in your power to try and convince your sister to get a restraining order.
My cousin was also in a physically abusive relationship years back, and she would often wear turtlenecks, and hide the choke marks on her neck.
The guy was a complete asshole, and had a grip on her that I've never seen. The breaking point was when they got into a major car accident, and my cousin's scalp was torn off, and she ended up requiring almost a mini facelift in order to seal up the wound. And what was worse was that it turned out that the guy was fine, and didn't want to get in trouble for the accident, so he dragged her beneath the driver seat side (the car was upside down), and then claimed she was driving.
It was only after this incident, she finally got a restraining order against him, but even afterwards, it still took time for her to get over him.
A restraining order will be important because it was one that the parents, and she had on him, and since she moved back home with them after the incident, he wasn't allowed to get anywhere close, and when she called him, he wasn't allowed to pick up either, as that would break the restraining order, and eventually, he just disappeared from their lives.
Don't let it get to this kind of a breaking point.
Do everything you can to try and step in, especially if there's plenty of physical evidence to prove that he beat her like that.
Report it to the police, asap, even if it's just to get a report on file, because you need to get it started.
Best of luck to you and your family.
My cousin was also in a physically abusive relationship years back, and she would often wear turtlenecks, and hide the choke marks on her neck.
The guy was a complete asshole, and had a grip on her that I've never seen. The breaking point was when they got into a major car accident, and my cousin's scalp was torn off, and she ended up requiring almost a mini facelift in order to seal up the wound. And what was worse was that it turned out that the guy was fine, and didn't want to get in trouble for the accident, so he dragged her beneath the driver seat side (the car was upside down), and then claimed she was driving.
It was only after this incident, she finally got a restraining order against him, but even afterwards, it still took time for her to get over him.
A restraining order will be important because it was one that the parents, and she had on him, and since she moved back home with them after the incident, he wasn't allowed to get anywhere close, and when she called him, he wasn't allowed to pick up either, as that would break the restraining order, and eventually, he just disappeared from their lives.
Don't let it get to this kind of a breaking point.
Do everything you can to try and step in, especially if there's plenty of physical evidence to prove that he beat her like that.
Report it to the police, asap, even if it's just to get a report on file, because you need to get it started.
Best of luck to you and your family.
So the thing people don't understand unless they've been in your situation is that your anger has nothing to do with it. That situation won't change until your sister wants it to change, and if you act without her approval you'll just send her back to him and have her alienate herself from the family. That's why you do NOT assault him until she's fully ready to put him behind her.
Just have your sisters back and keep trying to persuade her to work with the cops. As good as it would feel to take an iron bar to the guys knees, it won't do anything positive.
Edit: Seriously man, if there's one thing you take away from this thread it's that you should NOT listen to anyone who hasn't actually gone thru this. I had to learn this when my sister first went thru it. Don't try to be John Wayne and go beat the guy up until your sister tells you she's actually done with him. It's someone she loves, and the worst thing to do is make her have to choose.
Just have your sisters back and keep trying to persuade her to work with the cops. As good as it would feel to take an iron bar to the guys knees, it won't do anything positive.
Edit: Seriously man, if there's one thing you take away from this thread it's that you should NOT listen to anyone who hasn't actually gone thru this. I had to learn this when my sister first went thru it. Don't try to be John Wayne and go beat the guy up until your sister tells you she's actually done with him. It's someone she loves, and the worst thing to do is make her have to choose.
The thing with this is that you wouldn't actually be doing this for her. You'd be doing this for yourself. To satisfy your blood lust. To get it out of your system.
As someone pointed out earlier, fearing reactions like that can sometimes keep women from telling about abuse to men in their lives. Because they know that while men like you do care about them, you're not capable of really thinking about how the woman feels and what she needs in that situation - having someone near and there for her. When you'd go to jail, she wouldn't have you there for her, but hey, it doesn't matter because you got your blood lust satisfied, good for you!
Sorry if I'm harsh, but it's the truth.
That's such a dumb thing to say. There's a reason that therapists have PhDs and it's not because their job is easily done by untrained, overconfident people.
Short term is the easy part let the police handle it.
Long term is the hard part. Convince her to press charges get a restraining order and gtfo. You can only do this by convincing her she deserves better which isn't always easy . But it may save her life
Long term is the hard part. Convince her to press charges get a restraining order and gtfo. You can only do this by convincing her she deserves better which isn't always easy . But it may save her life
OP. I'll say again considering all the replies advocating violence. Don't touch him. Don't talk to him. Don't even think about him. Tell your sister to cooperate with police. Tell her to show up to grand jury. If she doesn't talk to police now we WILL NOT indict him for domestic violence. But if you physically struck him over this we WILL charge you with assault.
Internet tough guys out in full force on this one...
Don't do anything stupid OP.
Don't follow the terrible advice in the thread to try to hurt him. That helps no one and it will leave your sister without you to comfort her. That is why a lot of women don't report abuse because of how their family will react. Follow all the correct procedures with the police and be there for her.
User Banned (1 day): Violent rhetoric
There are more than enough stories of women getting injured or killed because the perpetrators gave fuck all about a restraining order.
If he fears getting his legs broken he won't do shit ever again.
Or he escalates because he knows that if he does anything again, it'll be bad for him. Not only that, the woman now has their family in jail and she is without people she needs.
This is part of a massive problem with some men. Their only understanding of relationships is absolute control and dominance to keep their partners.
There are 3 steps in how they do this:
1) Psychological manipulation - "You're worthless, no one would like you, you can't do better"
2) Controlling money/assets/housing - Having control of necessities and threatening to deprave the partner of them
3) Threats of violence - This is self explanatory, do as I say or there will be repercussions.
This is usually done by complete losers who know they are no good and need to establish a hierarchy and control over women.
My sister has already been through this as well, my mother and I warned her that the dude she was dating was a troglodyte and a manipulator and she still stayed with him. If you tell people something is bad in their lives, they will double down to prove you wrong. My sister suffered physical abuse, mental abuse, death threats, had all her money taken from her that she earned including her mortgage. One second she said she was trying to leave, the next second she is married to him. We found out later after she finally got away from him that he had set up cameras in the house and tracking devices on her car. This asshole was a pure psycho. He got away with it too, because the second she said something he came running to daddy who was a police officer and he made it all better. My sister received multiple death threats from his brother and sister after that. It took 6 months to get a restraining order on him.
There are 3 steps in how they do this:
1) Psychological manipulation - "You're worthless, no one would like you, you can't do better"
2) Controlling money/assets/housing - Having control of necessities and threatening to deprave the partner of them
3) Threats of violence - This is self explanatory, do as I say or there will be repercussions.
This is usually done by complete losers who know they are no good and need to establish a hierarchy and control over women.
My sister has already been through this as well, my mother and I warned her that the dude she was dating was a troglodyte and a manipulator and she still stayed with him. If you tell people something is bad in their lives, they will double down to prove you wrong. My sister suffered physical abuse, mental abuse, death threats, had all her money taken from her that she earned including her mortgage. One second she said she was trying to leave, the next second she is married to him. We found out later after she finally got away from him that he had set up cameras in the house and tracking devices on her car. This asshole was a pure psycho. He got away with it too, because the second she said something he came running to daddy who was a police officer and he made it all better. My sister received multiple death threats from his brother and sister after that. It took 6 months to get a restraining order on him.
OP
OP
we live in germany
so im still waiting for my mom to call, the police is still there.
i calmed down, and im not going to anything stupid unless i have no choice.
i could'nt even if i wanted to, we don't even know where he is
First of all i need to talk to my sis tough
Real talk, have you ever been in this situation? Because to everyone that has you sound just ridiculously ignorant.
You're giving insanely bad advice that is likely to prolong how long the sister stays with the abusive husband and you should be ashamed of yourself for doing that man.
Policy Reminder Regarding Advocating Violence
Offer her emotional support. Focus on doing things that will make her feel better, rather than making you feel better about how you handled the situation.
Police can be lazy heartless bastards in this sort of situation, but when there's visible marks they're usually gonna actually do something because it's an easy case to make.
Make sure you support her and let her know she's loved. And not to take away from her agency but the longer and further she has zero contact with her husband or his friends/associates the better. She'll start to see through his shit without him around.
Speaking from what I've seen irl, stockholm syndrome is very real and is a hard barrier to get over.
Make sure you support her and let her know she's loved. And not to take away from her agency but the longer and further she has zero contact with her husband or his friends/associates the better. She'll start to see through his shit without him around.
Speaking from what I've seen irl, stockholm syndrome is very real and is a hard barrier to get over.
Do not let your sister go back. Let the police handle the rest. Get a lawyer for your sister in order to get full custody of the child.
OP
OP
the police found him, they are escorting him back so that he can take his clothes and leave. he is not allowed to get near my sister or the child for atleast 10 days.
my parents and a friend are with my sister right now and will sleep there. tomorrow i will also be there
my parents and a friend are with my sister right now and will sleep there. tomorrow i will also be there
Comfort and support. Do everything you can to convince her to get a restraining order. The most important thing is to show her this piece of shit isn't as powerful as he has convinced her he is.
She will go back to him when this blows over. I guarantee that. The restraining order will allow you and your family the power to have the police intervene every time it happens.
She will go back to him when this blows over. I guarantee that. The restraining order will allow you and your family the power to have the police intervene every time it happens.
Once both you and your sis calm down, you tell her that she needs to remove him from her life.
No matter what she says (If she defends him) tell her that anyone who hits her does not love her. You need to be harsh here, not only her health is on the line but the child's too.
No matter what she says (If she defends him) tell her that anyone who hits her does not love her. You need to be harsh here, not only her health is on the line but the child's too.
That's a real shitty situation but it sounds like your family is doing the right thing. All you can do is be there.
Whooping his ass might sound nice, but if you consider the physical and legal risks and the likelihood that she will then go back to him and not tell you or her family anything else, it's obviously the wrong move.
Hopefully her husband goes away for long enough to break the spell.
Whooping his ass might sound nice, but if you consider the physical and legal risks and the likelihood that she will then go back to him and not tell you or her family anything else, it's obviously the wrong move.
Hopefully her husband goes away for long enough to break the spell.
She needs to think about her baby. Does she really want to raise a child around a piece of trash like him?
But police will find him and when they do she has a very important decision to make. Hopefully she makes the right one. From your description it sounds like this man will not ever change.
EDIT: They found him. Good
But police will find him and when they do she has a very important decision to make. Hopefully she makes the right one. From your description it sounds like this man will not ever change.
EDIT: They found him. Good
Very hard situation to be in. Like others have said support her. I hope she makes it through this and don't let him apologize and she falls back with him.
Well I'm glad it's all sorted out and she's safe. That was the main concern. Give her some time, then talk with her about removing him from her life. I know it won't be easy since he's the father of her child and everything, but arrangements need to be made. He's clearly not safe to be around.
This x100000
Abuse is awful, but unfortunately there's always instances where people get abused and still don't separate from their abusive spouse. The only room your sister and her hopefully soon to be ex-husband should ever be in at the same time is a courtroom, otherwise make sure they never get close to each other again.
Glad they found him and that your sister is safe OP, wishing you and yours all the best. Hope she's able to move forward in her life without him as he clearly doesn't deserve to be a part of it.
Vigilantism won't solve the problem. Maybe you'll feel better in the short term, but down the line you're not any better than any other thug.
Be there for her, offer her what you can to make her feel safe. That's the least you can do.
Godspeed OP.
Be there for her, offer her what you can to make her feel safe. That's the least you can do.
Godspeed OP.
she needs to at least file a report and get a restraining order
don't leave it all up to her because she's in a really weak position, victimized by her husband, and very likely to be victimized again.
and they both know this.
her family needs to be her backbone here.
don't leave it all up to her because she's in a really weak position, victimized by her husband, and very likely to be victimized again.
and they both know this.
her family needs to be her backbone here.