My heart goes out to you OP. I know there is really nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. Take care of yourself and stay as strong as possible. Be safe in these times. I sincerely believe you will see better days soon.
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My relationship appears to be over and I'm not coping
- Thread starter Aranath
- Start date
OP
OP
Oh and I forgot to mention, I did basically state to her that if this was over then I would move back to the UK. She basically responded by stating I shouldn't be setting ultimatums and how I'm basically trying to emotionally blackmail her by threatening to leave.
I do understand where she's coming from, though. At times where I have been very frustrated with my job and general life here in Spain I have just purely out of frustration spoken of leaving and returning to the UK. But at the same time, I also don't think it's too unreasonable when her ultimate goal was to move to the UK at some point anyway because she loves the country and said she wants to live and work there one day. Still, when she's dealing with her own problems, I can see how that kind of response is tone deaf on my part.
It's over mate, dont stick around trying to persuade her or yourself otherwise, you'll only make the wound deeper by doing so. Get back home with your family and lean on them for as much as you need whilst figuring out your next step. It's going to hurt for a while but you'll get through this, I promise. Godspeed brother
OP
OP
Thank you so much. Your words do mean a lot.
I'm just scared it exacerbates things to a point where it makes this even more difficult, trying to organise my things, moving out, getting home, etc. She was already pretty angry last night so if I start sticking my nose in there, I worry she'll be offended (I think understandably). I don't know.
It is very hard, especially since this is so fresh for you. The only thing that worked for me was just having a job to go to (was working a crappy retail hardware store job, stocking shelves, but it was enough to keep me focused on something else). Though I didn't start that job for several months after the breakup, and those first several months were definitely rough. It felt like the end of the world for me back then and that nothing would ever feel meaningful. But I promise it will, eventually - so many people go through this sort of thing, and it really, really sucks at the beginning, but you'll make it through. You seem like a nice person and I have no doubt that you'll find someone meant for you in the future.
Avoiding toxicity is a good idea. You'll only regret it years from now if things took a turn for the worse. If it can be ended without a lot of drama, it will make things easier and you'll feel better about it when looking back.
I know it's hard OP but try and be strong and just move on. No need to try and makes sense of it or try and get and explanation. Just focus on getting you a place to stay and taking care of yourself first.
hey, i went through/am going through the same thing.
My GF this January just started getting more distant over time, and made excuses why she couldn't be at home. I later found out she lied to me, though she
tried to talk her way out of it, i'm quite certain she found someone else. For almost 6 months we were in a state where she told me she needed time and when asked what the problem is she would avoid giving a clear answer.
I went through alot of emotions, anger, sadness, confusion because i didn't know what was going on. And i tried everything to save the relationship and it nearly destroyed me.
What i found out is that the best thing you can do is to let go. I still find myself being mad at what i had to go through because for 6 months i made myself sick because of her. Even after it was over i tried to be at least friendly with her, which ended up working against me because she started to get cold towards me and it put me into a bigger whole of depression having the one person you thought you could share everything with being so "heartless" towards you. I noticed that subconsciously i may have tried to keep my positive image of her alive even after how she treated me.
Right now for a month i haven't talked to her or written her, and i started to see that it's actually me that's better off without her. Even though that's not the situation i wanted to end up in sometimes you have to look out for yourself first. I started seeing this about 6 months too late but now i'm better. Don't make the same mistake as I did.
So in summary i really hope you pull through. It will get better and you will find out that that no one person is worth destroying yourself over. It's not you who lost in this relationship, you will come out of this having won.
My GF this January just started getting more distant over time, and made excuses why she couldn't be at home. I later found out she lied to me, though she
tried to talk her way out of it, i'm quite certain she found someone else. For almost 6 months we were in a state where she told me she needed time and when asked what the problem is she would avoid giving a clear answer.
I went through alot of emotions, anger, sadness, confusion because i didn't know what was going on. And i tried everything to save the relationship and it nearly destroyed me.
What i found out is that the best thing you can do is to let go. I still find myself being mad at what i had to go through because for 6 months i made myself sick because of her. Even after it was over i tried to be at least friendly with her, which ended up working against me because she started to get cold towards me and it put me into a bigger whole of depression having the one person you thought you could share everything with being so "heartless" towards you. I noticed that subconsciously i may have tried to keep my positive image of her alive even after how she treated me.
Right now for a month i haven't talked to her or written her, and i started to see that it's actually me that's better off without her. Even though that's not the situation i wanted to end up in sometimes you have to look out for yourself first. I started seeing this about 6 months too late but now i'm better. Don't make the same mistake as I did.
So in summary i really hope you pull through. It will get better and you will find out that that no one person is worth destroying yourself over. It's not you who lost in this relationship, you will come out of this having won.
Hi OP.
I don't have any advice but I've read your OP and skimmed through the thread.
Personally, I don't have anything to suggest. I think people here that had similar experiences were in better place to talk than I am.
But I wanted to say something though. There's a silver lining in all this. If your marriage would've gone through like it was supposed to be, it would have been much more difficult to cope on top of the divorce and whatnot on top of being a financial sinkhole.
So, now, at least, you can just take your own stuff, leave and start to heal. :-)
I don't have any advice but I've read your OP and skimmed through the thread.
Personally, I don't have anything to suggest. I think people here that had similar experiences were in better place to talk than I am.
But I wanted to say something though. There's a silver lining in all this. If your marriage would've gone through like it was supposed to be, it would have been much more difficult to cope on top of the divorce and whatnot on top of being a financial sinkhole.
So, now, at least, you can just take your own stuff, leave and start to heal. :-)
I'm so sorry. Dynamics can determine everything. I was only with my ex 2 and a half years, but we were each others best friends. He moved to my area for a job and didn't know many other people. We talked about moving and had settled on Seattle or Austin, Texas since both of us knew people there. He ended up getting a well paying job in San Francisco, a place where I knew no one, but he had friends and of course a job. We had planned on getting married, but the city set off my anxiety like nothing else. He said he couldn't trust me anymore and our relationship soured as he agreed that things worked when we were best friends, and with so many other options I wasn't fulfilling the same need. It was messy and painful. I still miss him, but only when I forget all of the bullshit attached.
You can have plans, but people change and if you don't follow or get in the way, sometimes not of your own doing, then they leave you with no choice but to move on. I hope you can try and make it work, but also start setting things up so if it doesn't it's fast. Fight for the cats if you have the energy, even if you have no legal standing. Do what you can to convince her.
OP
OP
Yeah, I know there's not much I can say at this point to change things so I'm just focusing on myself. I start teaching again on Wednesday and I've got my family's offer to get out of here as quickly as possible so I can at least rest a little easy knowing I've still got options.
And thank you.
I'm actually looking forward to returning to the UK and getting a change of job finally. Even if it just retail or something. Finally being able to stop teaching and dealing with difficult students and parents and a difficult boss would really be nice.
And thank you for the kind words too. I get choked up every time my family and you all actually offer me a compliment through all this, so that's actually really nice. Thank you.
Yeah, I think that's definitely the way forward. Just have to now do my best to cope each day and get myself there.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like it was really painful and I'm so sorry you went through that. I glad you're finally in a position to start being happy again.
This topic has helped me a lot because I really think I would have done as you say and tried desperately to make this work somehow and probably just made both our lives worse, but especially mine, were it not for all the advice I've been given.
It's so difficult to push yourself into a position that you know is going to hurt like hell, even if only for awhile.
I am really thankful of that. It really hurts because I so looked forward to our wedding but if this was what lay in store in the future, it really is a relief that we could avoid huge complications. I think dealing with this I addition to the divorce process would have made it so much harder. Especially if it was just months after the wedding.
I enjoyed this post, lots of great advice in this thread
No relationship lasts forever
Yeah man, I can tell by the way you respond to people in this thread, despite experiencing such a low in life, that you're a thoughtful person. This thing that's happening to you is out of your control, and in no way defines you or makes you less.
Eh, there's no hope for a long term relationship to succeed if the attitude going in is "if you leave, nbd." Not exactly inspiring wedding material :P
OP, this is gonna hurt. No avoiding that. You need to get a really good cry in, just let it all out. Then get some friends or family on the horn for self-care.
You don't know their situation and are only getting one side of the story. Chill out.
I had a very similar situation with a long term relationship and being blind to it falling apart until the end. What I did that most people cannot do usually due to work or obligations (I had just lost my job), is I just packed up and left the next day to get out of the feelings I had and things reminding me of it. If you can go back to your parents I would do it. Also at this point I wouldn't hold hopes that it will work out, especially if she has already shown that it's done for her, staying together at that point will just end up worse later on unless something somehow changes. Sorry you have to go through this, hopefully it gets better from here.
Yeah you will need time, you've been there a long time and basically built a life so taking more time makes sense.
Whatever happens I'm positive she will at least work with you to give the time needed to move out properly.
Best of luck to you with everything. I'm sure you'll land on your feet.
I'm so glad that my post was able to give you even a little comfort! It's definitely hard to think about from time to time, but thankfully, those moments are rare, and it's only gotten easier with time! Keep moving forward. That's all we can really do.
OP
OP
Thank you to everyone else that responded to me with the advice and kind words. You all have no idea how much you've helped me to get through this.
I just wanted to give you an update. I've spent the last few days packing up all my possessions and they were picked up to be shipped to the UK today. My co-worker I mentioned before came and picked me up this evening so I'm now lying on the bed in her spare room. She's been helping a lot and is letting me stay until I leave on Thursday.
Speaking of which, I've got a plane ticket booked on Thursday to go home. I decided I just couldn't handle continuing to be here and quit my job. My boss wasn't happy and has basically ghosted me, but the head teacher of my school at least sent me a really nice message and offered to give me a letter of reference if I need it. The teachers are all meeting for lunch tomorrow and want me to come along so they can at least say goodbye, which means a lot.
So for now, I'm making positive progress, but I'm not going to lie, I feel terrible. I legit haven't felt this bad since my grandmother died. I said goodbye to my cats and am trying as hard as I can to accept I'm not going to see them ever again. I said goodbye to my fiancée. She was crying and hugged me. I told her I still loved her and she said she loved me too. That actually really didn't help.
I really hope this feeling doesn't last much longer because it's unbearable. I just want to be at home with my family right now. Just got off the phone with my mom and she's furious that I was forced to leave the flat instead of being able to just stay until my flight. But in some ways I'm glad I'm out at least. My cats were breaking my heart being around me all day and it didn't help that she was still around the house, at times acting like nothing was wrong and everything was normal.
The next few days I'm just going to try sleep as much as I can, because I've barely slept since this started, and then probably just watch lots of TV and read to pass the time. I just hope the days go quickly.
I just wanted to give you an update. I've spent the last few days packing up all my possessions and they were picked up to be shipped to the UK today. My co-worker I mentioned before came and picked me up this evening so I'm now lying on the bed in her spare room. She's been helping a lot and is letting me stay until I leave on Thursday.
Speaking of which, I've got a plane ticket booked on Thursday to go home. I decided I just couldn't handle continuing to be here and quit my job. My boss wasn't happy and has basically ghosted me, but the head teacher of my school at least sent me a really nice message and offered to give me a letter of reference if I need it. The teachers are all meeting for lunch tomorrow and want me to come along so they can at least say goodbye, which means a lot.
So for now, I'm making positive progress, but I'm not going to lie, I feel terrible. I legit haven't felt this bad since my grandmother died. I said goodbye to my cats and am trying as hard as I can to accept I'm not going to see them ever again. I said goodbye to my fiancée. She was crying and hugged me. I told her I still loved her and she said she loved me too. That actually really didn't help.
I really hope this feeling doesn't last much longer because it's unbearable. I just want to be at home with my family right now. Just got off the phone with my mom and she's furious that I was forced to leave the flat instead of being able to just stay until my flight. But in some ways I'm glad I'm out at least. My cats were breaking my heart being around me all day and it didn't help that she was still around the house, at times acting like nothing was wrong and everything was normal.
The next few days I'm just going to try sleep as much as I can, because I've barely slept since this started, and then probably just watch lots of TV and read to pass the time. I just hope the days go quickly.
Good luck man, sounds like you're handling everything in the best way that you can. Ik its hard during this pandemic but if you try to pick up a new skill or hobby it'll really help take your mind off of things. At least you'll be physically far away when you get back to the UK.
This right here. Losing the cat my ex and I had together pushed me to adopt one back in February, immediately before the pandemic fully kicked into swing. Great decision, man.
You are strong and you are worthy of happiness. While this moment may seem dark and uncertain, your future is bright. You will look back on this moment in your life in the future and realize that it happened for a reason. The best is yet to come! Keep pushing forward. Keep your chin up. You are awesome, OP!
Just posting to wish you well OP. I don't have any advice for you because you seem to be handling it way better than me when my first long term girlfriend broke up. I was a broken simp for months.
Only thing I can tell you that in the end it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Two years later I met the love of my life and I have been happily married for 13 years now.
Only thing I can tell you that in the end it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Two years later I met the love of my life and I have been happily married for 13 years now.
They're just words. The same way people sometimes say "how was your day" and without really wanting to hear it and then begin zoning out on their phone.
They literally don't mean anything unless they're actions show otherwise ... or in your/her case appear consistent.
--
Anyway not to stay on the topic of her. Good luck OP, again.
Congratulations on your new-found single-dom.
Congratulations on all the free time you now have to do what you want.
Getting that one step closer to finding someone a better fit for you.
Congratulations on getting away from your shitty boss/job or whatever it was and potentially finding something much better or more fun to do.
You can either look at all this as a step back or a step forward. I highly suggest the latter.
And yeah... Thanks for the update OP! I love happy endings (well to me it is lol).
Edit: Except for the cats. Boo. I just left my sisters house after months, she who owns a cat and ... well I too now know the love of a cat :'(
I've been where you are. Sick and lost after what seemed like a great relationship just ended abruptly by the other person. Years down the tubes. Took me months to feel happy again. Years later, i was walking downtown and bumped into her. I had been over the pain for quite some time by then and things in my life were really going great. Got married, good job, bought a house which i never thought i would ever be able to do. Was sober for 5 years and just happy. She was rough. Looked like she aged twice as much as myself. Smelled like booze and it was early in the day. She grabbed me as i didn't even realize it was her. We spoke briefly, she kept saying how bad of a choice it was to break up, blah, blah, blah. Asked if i wanted to get something to eat. I said no and walked away. I hate to admit it but goddamn did that feel good.
i guess I'm just saying, things happen that seem really shitty but later in life you realize you dogged a bullet. Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.
i guess I'm just saying, things happen that seem really shitty but later in life you realize you dogged a bullet. Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.
You've done a fantastic job coping with this situation and adjusting to everything it has thrown at you. Be proud of yourself. And trust me, those feelings of loss and sadness and rage and frustration and so on on will absolutely fade with time. Now is the time to focus on yourself and what you want and making yourself feel happier - and it will come, sooner than you think.
You'll look back on this as a blip in the road in the larger scheme of things. It's completely natural for this to feel world ending at the moment. I've gone through similar a couple of times before and I've always bounced back stronger than before.
You're already doing a good job at addressing the situation and looking out for what's ultimately best for yourself. We're rooting for you man!
You're already doing a good job at addressing the situation and looking out for what's ultimately best for yourself. We're rooting for you man!
OP
OP
It's been quite a while since I wrote anything in this thread and I sincerely apologize to anyone I've ignored. I just ended up being so busy once I moved to the UK and actually really struggled to bring myself back into the thread, because it just made me feel like shit every time I tried, frankly.
Thought I'd post a little update.
So, I'm still living with my folks and got myself a decent-ish job that I'm actually enjoying. Got a car. Even bought myself an OLED and I'm upgrading my PC, haha. From that angle, things are going well.
My family haven't been much of a help on the emotional front, if I'm honest. Any time I've tried to talk about my relationship or feeling down, they just move the conversation on, like not talking about it will help. But it doesn't. Not at all. I just end up sitting alone in my room, feeling depressed and lonely.
Going through Christmas now is actually hitting me pretty hard and I actually feel extraordinarily shit today. I mean, I feel good that I'm back by my family, got a better job, and my quality of life is definitely better than what I had before. But at the same time, I still really miss my life back there. I miss my fiancee. I miss my cats and still actually end up crying when I think about them.
I sent her an email last month, just as like an update thing, telling her what I had been up to and telling her I wanted to fix things and try make it work. I'm probably an idiot for even trying (I know that 'probably' is putting in a lot of work there), but I just can't accept throwing away six-and-a-half years of what is, or was I guess, a loving relationship. I still don't understand how we went so quickly from planning a wedding together to her just cutting me out of her life. She didn't respond to the email. I sent her a message yesterday wishing her and the cats for Christmas and attached a recording of me playing Promise from Silent Hill on guitar, which she always loved, as a little extra something, I don't know. It's stupid. And I'm going to sound like a stalker when I say this, but she's still on my friends list on Spotify. I saw her listening to Silent Hill music today, so I'm assuming she listened to the recording. But, again, no response. Yeah, I know I'm being stupid and I'm just prolonging this, but I don't know if I can accept just giving up completely.
I hate this. So much. I thought it would get easier, but it really isn't. Just feels like it's getting harder and harder, the more I realise that it's over and I'm not getting her or the cats back in my life. Just writing that out made my chest hurt now. Ugh.
I'm finally going in for an endoscopy on Wednesday, so I'm hoping to finally figure out what's been causing all my stomach issues over the last two years. At the same time I'm really scared I find out something scary and then it's like... christ. Got both of these things just weighing on my mind and it's getting a bit much today.
I'm sorry. I'm probably rambling at this point. Not sure what the point of all this is, but just thought I'd send it out into the ether anyway.
Hope everyone's had an awesome Christmas, despite all the shittiness this year.
Thought I'd post a little update.
So, I'm still living with my folks and got myself a decent-ish job that I'm actually enjoying. Got a car. Even bought myself an OLED and I'm upgrading my PC, haha. From that angle, things are going well.
My family haven't been much of a help on the emotional front, if I'm honest. Any time I've tried to talk about my relationship or feeling down, they just move the conversation on, like not talking about it will help. But it doesn't. Not at all. I just end up sitting alone in my room, feeling depressed and lonely.
Going through Christmas now is actually hitting me pretty hard and I actually feel extraordinarily shit today. I mean, I feel good that I'm back by my family, got a better job, and my quality of life is definitely better than what I had before. But at the same time, I still really miss my life back there. I miss my fiancee. I miss my cats and still actually end up crying when I think about them.
I sent her an email last month, just as like an update thing, telling her what I had been up to and telling her I wanted to fix things and try make it work. I'm probably an idiot for even trying (I know that 'probably' is putting in a lot of work there), but I just can't accept throwing away six-and-a-half years of what is, or was I guess, a loving relationship. I still don't understand how we went so quickly from planning a wedding together to her just cutting me out of her life. She didn't respond to the email. I sent her a message yesterday wishing her and the cats for Christmas and attached a recording of me playing Promise from Silent Hill on guitar, which she always loved, as a little extra something, I don't know. It's stupid. And I'm going to sound like a stalker when I say this, but she's still on my friends list on Spotify. I saw her listening to Silent Hill music today, so I'm assuming she listened to the recording. But, again, no response. Yeah, I know I'm being stupid and I'm just prolonging this, but I don't know if I can accept just giving up completely.
I hate this. So much. I thought it would get easier, but it really isn't. Just feels like it's getting harder and harder, the more I realise that it's over and I'm not getting her or the cats back in my life. Just writing that out made my chest hurt now. Ugh.
I'm finally going in for an endoscopy on Wednesday, so I'm hoping to finally figure out what's been causing all my stomach issues over the last two years. At the same time I'm really scared I find out something scary and then it's like... christ. Got both of these things just weighing on my mind and it's getting a bit much today.
I'm sorry. I'm probably rambling at this point. Not sure what the point of all this is, but just thought I'd send it out into the ether anyway.
Hope everyone's had an awesome Christmas, despite all the shittiness this year.
Bro what are you doing
it's done, it's over, cut her out completely. You're just making it worse for yourself. Remove from friends on everything. Block if you have to
I feel for you man but you're making a mistake doing it this way. It's natural everybody makes those mistakes. If you need to chat via voice or text or something feel free to send me your discord. Do any gaming?
Thanks OP for the update. Good to see you're trudging forward through things nevertheless.
But yeah definitely don't message her. Delete everything to do with her. Trust me on this one :)
100% Time to let her go. Its sad but shes movrd on and most likely unless she moves to the UK for YOU there is zero chance of it working.
Do not move for her again etc.
There is plenty of people to meet. Its cliche but true.
Look, it sucks you lost the pets. But she doesn't want to be with you, so focus on finding someone that does. Build something new.
I told you when the first thread came up not to wallow in it but it seems like you are, which is only making things a lot worse than they need to be. You are doing this to yourself and it's simply not necessary. It's your first LTR, so it's hard to see, but there's someone else out there right now who would make you even happier and treat you better. You can't find that person if you're shut in and holding out hope. You're like a skipping record now and you just need to move on.
It's good to hear that you are otherwise doing better than you were. Channel that into new experiences. The cliche answer is a clean break + hitting the gym for a reason. It works. You have to put yourself out there again. That is the fastest way to not feeling the way you currently do.
I've been in your position and did similar acts of, I guess I would say, desperation. All I can say is that I can relate to that fear of never hearing from them ever again and that you will eventually feel better, and that it can take as long as you need.
Give yourself the ultimate Christmas present and stop engaging in this kind of behavior immediately and permanently. Work on yourself, as it is literally the only thing you can control at this point.
It's going to take a while. It took me 6 months after my marriage ended before I realized that I was even allowed to move on.
OP, I had a similar situation about a year and a half ago (although not as serious). I think it took me about six months before I really started pulling back together. Sending check in or holiday messages just reopened the wound and friends and family frankly got sick of hearing about it because there just wasn't much more to say even though it was all that was on my mind. Just keep your head down and keep going, you'll be alright.
Sounds tough, and it's good to know you're doing ok in lots of areas.
Honestly though it sounds like you're stuck, you need to accept that you're done, your relationship is over, you're not getting her back you're not getting your cats back. That chapter of your life is over. Remember it fondly but it's time to stop looking back at what you had and continue looking forward to what you want. Don't be grovelling for attention, scratching at her metaphorical door with sad puppy eyes and sighing deep sighs of long lost love. She's not interested in you or your life, harsh as that sounds, she doesn't care about your life updates or that you sent her some silent hill music. She doesn't want this. If she did, you'd still be together.
What's the end game you're clinging to here? She 'comes to her senses' and wants to reconcile, she loved you all along! And what, you'd just come running would you? To the woman who completely ruined your happy existence, scrambled your life and then ignored you for months? Regardless of her reasoning (and no doubt this has been hard on her too), she has caused you a lot of pain, you shouldn't just be able to sweep that away and come scurrying back if she did call.
I mean, fuck that. It's fine and good to be sad and to miss how things were but you're not getting back with her and even if you could get it back, it wouldn't be the same. Everything has changed for you both, you can't put the genie back in the bottle and it's a fools errand to wish you ever could.
I know how you feel, I honestly do, I've been there and at this stage a little anger at the whole situation is far more productive for you than desperation. It's ok to feel justifiably annoyed at the situation and at her, but you need to let her properly go.
Sounds really mean when I write it out, but I know how this feels and I know what won't help. Good luck with the endoscopy though.
A person that ends a relationship so far into it without a proper explanation deserves no attention, no time and most importantly no affection. It is hard, i have been where you are, but in my case my girl was pregnant, we were going to get married and i caught her cheating on me. I was touch deep bottom, you will get through this, i know it, I've been there, but you need to show respect for yourself and stop all intents of communicating with her. After my experience I learned that self respect is the one thing you never give up when getting into a relationship, love and be loved but respect and ask for respect as well. Merry Xmas OP, it may not be much but many of us are sending you positive vibes.
Just jumping in here to say that I 100% second all of what you just said and I hope OP takes it to heart.
OP, you deserve better. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through something veryyyy similar. I do think it's best to try and accept that that part of your life is now a part of the past and will remain there. By all means cherish the good memories but also do realize that you may want to respect yourself a little more as time goes on. Don't forget that she kind of messed your life up. The person she is now is not necessarily the person you fondly remember in your memories. That's ok. People change. But, it's 99% likely wouldn't work out even if she did come running back. Things ended for a reason, whatever that reason truly was.
It's so hard around the holidays. I totally understand being sad, but just focus on loving yourself and sticking up for yourself. You deserve it.
You got desperate and tried to bother her and win back her favour in the vain hope that you might get closure from the relationship, but sometimes you don't get that closure and it's ok. It's just better to assume they had their reasons, and you'll do better after this for new relationships because you've figured yourself out better and know what to be wary of/red flags in the future.
