Hope you're ok OP. One thing to bear in mind is that this experience will make you a stronger person. I remember many (many!) years ago when my long term relationship ended; we had just bought a house, were supposed to be getting married etc etc and she broke things off. At the time I was a complete wreck, I could barely function but you come through that even though it feels like you'll never be normal again at the time.
And the person who emerges from the wreckage of that relationship will have a much broader perspective of life and relationships in general, one better able to handle the bad stuff. It's all part of that ole' life experience I suppose.
Eventually you'll come to appreciate her perspective - at least I did. You may never agree with how she ended things (and it sounds like a really immature and shitty way to do it, to cause you infinitely more pain than she needed to) but part of you will on some level understand how hard it must have been for her too at the time.
The old adage is absolutely true: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". It takes time but you'll be able to look back on the positives of your relationship as you move on with your life, potentially with someone else.
All the best.
Yeah, given this is my first proper long term relationship, it's a learning experience from beginning to end and I truly do hope it helps me to just improve myself in the future or to even not be so hard on my self on the other hand. Given the lack of communication that has seemingly led to this all, I hope I can maintain this awareness of making sure I listen and focus on whoever I may end up with one day and then maybe this ugliness can be avoided and we don't end up wasting what really was an amazing relationship, at least for a time.
Hey man. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I've been there -- a couple times.
I wanted to just comment on this feeling you're having. I want you to know that it's easy to think this way, the relationship is over because this and that...
Its ending because she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Those things are symptoms of the bigger problem.
This might sound harsh, but it's good realistic advice that I've taken to heart- is that we can never control someone's feelings. People fall out of love with the most intelligent, responsible, beautiful people on the planet. Its just chemical and can't be explained. Its not because you wanted her around more or you told her to take care of the cats.
In a little while I hope this is almost more comforting to you, that you didn't do anything wrong. You just aren't for each other and that's okay. On to find your soulmate, after you recover and become a stronger version of you 🙂
I'm sorry you had to go through this more than once. That's awful. Thank you for using that to try help others.
You're absolutely right. Just focusing on those little details is leading me to try assign blame and I can see that just making things unnecessarily toxic and doesn't help anyone at all. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to rationalise it because it's just been so hard to understand and accept that it's actually happening. Talking with you all is really helping me to put things in perspective and to try deal with this in the least messy and most mature way we can I guess. At least on my end.
I sincerely appreciate the advice.
Get the cats. They need you. I know it's difficult but sounds like she is not the person for you.
I really, really want that. But as I said before, I'm really struggling to see a way I could manage it.
At the same time, as much as I felt she could have done more to help them, I know she does love them with all her heart. I guess I have some consolation that if I lose them, I know they're still going to be loved. As much as it hurts, the thought helps.
We can fully enjoy our relationship. It doesn't mean we should become blind or deaf to facts about the nature of modern people/relationships.
A error on a save is just that. A binary, technical error. There is not much to look into it other than how to fix it or stop it from happening again.
People. People are very predictable. The same way, having a loose cord fall over the front of the TV for people to trip over, will probably mess up your save.
But I also think modern discourse about "working at your relationship" is silly. People should be working at themselves. The more you work at yourself, the more someone is likelier to fit anyway. It's those who don't develop purpose that struggle. Sometimes... for the rest of their lives, depressed and drunk about "what could have been". And then you legit have a situtation where they become a cat lady or something. Seriously.
It's not pretty. And it's not good we let "love" or "true love" etc do so much damage to our psyche and long-term well-being.
You gave me some things to think about here. Thank you.
I guess from my view right now, why not both? I genuinely think this whole ugly situation could have been avoided if we had both been better able to deal with our personal problems, like my job, while at the same time acknowledging that maybe things have gone a bit awry and need a course correct between the two of us.
Then again, it's probably not helping me right now to dwell on past hypotheticals so I'll just end it there.
this is really nice warm advice
It really is.
From what you described and the way things ended up so abrupt, I think she's already out the door. You need to evaluate if you really want to try to convince someone to stay with you, I think it will be worse for you if you keep trying to fix a relation like this.
It will be really hard but it does get better. Stay strong.
I don't think I can convince her of anything at this point even if I wanted to try. I'm just giving her space now and meanwhile I'm going to focus on my job and/or getting out of here and back to my family. I need to think of myself right now and whatever she decides is what she decides. She has the right to determine things herself too.
If it makes you feel any better, I had a very similar experience and there was no other guy who appeared suddenly after the fact. My ex found a new group of friends and started spending all her time with them, including staying out till the early hours without answering messages. Turns out she'd been checked out for a long time and being able to monkey branch over to a new social group was the impetus she needed.
Ending a long-term relationship genuinely feels like losing a loved one - because that's exactly what it is. If this is your first rodeo expect a grieving process. Take your time and look after yourself. Be self reflective if it helps but try not to pick the scabs for too long. Moving on is the eventual goal. And it will happen eventually even if, at times, it feels like you're drowning.
Many can attest that being dumped was the kindest thing their ex ever did for them. Personally, I'm now married to the warmest most caring woman and we have a 6 month son. That I even thought my previous life was worth holding onto, I can only attribute to naivity.
Max Payne 2 was my breakup game. The tone and content are perfect for that frame of mind.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience too, but I'm glad you were able to move on to better and bigger things. Congratulations on your son. Thank you for sharing that.
And yeah, I'm holding out hope I can move beyond this without a great deal of negativity and look back on it one day as a slightly more positive episode (than it feels right now) along the course of my life and not something awful that I'd rather just forget.
Playing RDR2 is putting me in the mood for a replay of Max Payne 3 actually, haha. I was a big fan back in the day, particularly of the shooting. Still some of the GOAT.
The first is always the hardest and it's completely normal to be frozen and to grieve. Just don't wallow in it too long. Look at it as an opportunity to find someone that will treat you better and is a better fit for you. Most people have several long term relationships before finding the person that is right for them.
I'm definitely trying to focus on the positives as much as I can, hard as it is right now. But moving on gracefully and finding something better is a comforting thought.
Man, I'm sorry you're going through something like this right now, especially during these trying times.
I know this can feel like the end of the world, considering it's your first long term relationship, but trust me, it will heal in due time.
Just take it one day at a time and know that it's okay to feel horrible about this, this is normal. This isn't a feeling you'll be able to just switch off, you know?
You just be kind to yourself right now and know that this phase will pass.
When you feel a little better, maybe try picking up an old hobby again, contact that friend you haven't heard from in ages, go for a walk or, hell, talk to us!
You'll have to rediscover who you are as a person without the relationship, separate the 'I' from the 'us' so to speak. Not gonna lie, that's not easy, but in the end you'll come out stronger.
I will definitely take your advice and that should be all the easier if I'm back in the UK and especially without the stress and anxiety that my job causes and this relationship has obviously been causing. I know it's a bit cliché but I legit haven't had a proper workout in years and it's actually a nice thought being able to hit the weights with my brother once again when I'm finally back there.
I'm really sorry that you have to go through this situation... It's never easy. I really hope you'll be well and that things will start to feel better soon.
A recent experience with a woman that I cared a lot about showed me (again) how essential good communication between the two persons is. This woman found it very difficult to open up and talk about her feelings and desires, while I can do it fairly easily as long as I feel that I can trust the other person. And there were other issues on top of that. It took me a while, probably far too long, but in the end I had to accept that things wouldn't work between us in the long term even though I really liked her.
There had been several red flags (which I ignored at the time) indicating that our different communication styles would clash badly, and of course it ended up happening. I also think that it hadn't been a healthy, balanced relationship. I invested a lot of time and energy providing support and helping her out, while my emotional needs were not being covered. Sometimes I felt that my feelings were being dismissed.
In the end things got ugly. When I talked with friends about it, all of them told me that this person was being manipulative. But it took me a while to see it and I still want to think that she wasn't doing it on purpose... Our final conversations were like spirals that didn't go anywhere, no matter what I said, and it started to feel toxic. There was a bit of gaslighting, second guessing myself, emotional blackmailing... In the end I needed time and space to sort out my thoughts and feelings, and things ended there. Unfortunately the end was very abrupt and I didn't like that at all, but in a sense it was good to be out to get some perspective.
Everything you're describing there is hitting real close to home. My experiences echo a lot of what you went through, and now having been there, I empathise completely and I'm sorry you had to go through it all. Again, thank you for sharing it with me.
I'm really trying hard to avoid things getting toxic here which will help no one. Our conversation last night was exactly how you described your last one. Eventually we just agreed to stop talking and head to bed.
Leaving the country works wonders for relationship break-ups, I find.
There will be other cats!
Yeah, the distance will help a lot. I think getting out of Spain too and a change of jobs will do me wonders, just in terms of general stress/anxiety/depression.
And yeah there will be others. I think I said last night I'd be happy to adopt one of my own one day. Still hurts like hell to lose these ones though. They really are family.
OK, so Rory above @'ed me for a couple of reasons:
- I'm Spanish, living in Spain, and can speak both Spanish and English.
- My SO spends most of her free time
coordinating cat rescues and adoptions (we stopped counting at 500 cats adopted).
We would love to lend an ear to you and help with whatever we can about your situation. Let me know:
- Do you speak Spanish? (it's not an issue if you don't, just that I'll have to translate between both because my SO doesn't know much English).
- What would you be confortable communicating through? (phone, email, discord, etc)?
Feel free to answer via PM. :
Wow, thank you so much for offering to help me out. I'll definitely send a long a PM.
OP, now is your chance to get a dog. Vastly superior and far more loving. Hope it'll get better over time.
Well, if I do end up back with my family, my mom has two gorgeous huskies so I've got that to look forward to, hehe.
Correct me if I read anything wrong as I tried my best to through the entire thread before I post.
Sounds like you don't enjoy working there and your fiancé basically checked out mentally on the relationship and outside of that relationship you don't really have anything holding you there.
If so I don't know if I would keep trying to stay and see if it works out. I would just buy the ticket now for a flight in a week or two, let her know and see what happens.
If you or your mother truly believe a change of heart or mind may be in the cards then this is a good way to find out. You're going to eventually need to leave that apartment for your own good anyways and worst case nothing changes but you get to be back home with family and have that support system to help you move on.
Edit - I also think this is a very pessimistic side of me talking too as I usually try to be optimistic. My concern if that you still don't know exactly what's going on in her head. I would just want to be prepared for the day she comes home and recommends you both live separately. You said yourself that the landlord is like family and it won't be her leaving, it will be you.
Yeah, you are right with all of it and I don't think you're being pessimistic. Right now, if I stay on a bit longer, it won't be for waiting for her to change or come to her senses, it would be to just sure myself up a bit more financially before home and being unemployed for a time.
My mom warned me of the flat situation too. She recommended leaving ASAP because being here longer than necessary won't help but I should at least try and have things ready to more easily move should things go worse. The problem is right now I don't even have boxes to pack my stuff in and I've got large things that need moving (TV, consoles, desktop PC, guitar, etc.). Not to mention the thought of packing my life up like right now is actually stressing me out more. I don't know, like having a bit more time to deal with it would do wonders. But then at the same time, that depends on how she's going to be when she gets home from work today. Man, this really just sucks. Hate it.
Straight up take your parents offer to pay for everything and GTFO now.
Take the cats. Let her fight internationally for them if she's that slighted, but I doubt she cares enough about them to do anything about it.
Good luck!
It is tempting to just get out right now but I honestly just feel like I'm drowning and having to pack up everything, get on the plane, and, were it possible, somehow get the cats too, while I'm still reeling from the shock of all this feels like too much for me to handle. I really mean it when I say I'm not coping. I really wish my family could actually come and help me but that's not possible, not during this pandemic.
Nothing risked - nothing gained
It's true. As much as this sucks beyond belief right now, I am still trying to focus on the positives, as much as I can.
