My partner is posting risqué pics on Instagram and I don’t know how to feel about it

[astro]

Yeah she doesn't flirt back. She has told me sometimes when guys have been creeps. Her thing is mostly to just ignore it, but not block them

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Honestly, she is with you and ignoring guys throwing themselves at her. If you could find a way to support her doing this it will likely make you even stronger together. It sounds like those guys should be jealous of you, your wife, and your happy home honestly...

She does sound like she is being a bit dismissive, from what you said though and the "doing it for you" part doesn't ring true for me... but you'd need to talk that out with her more obviously.

Of course, if you reallly can't deal with it, you both need to honestly communicate about it and figure it out.

 

[KillLaCam]

I think the pictures on social media would mostly be fine (of course being uncomfortable about that is fine too), plenty of people in strong relationships still will still occasionally post pictures lIke that.

When guys send her inappropriate messages she doesn't block them, she mostly just doesn't respond but she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

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I'd atleast wanna know why she doesn't at least mute those guys though. I can slightly understand her not blocking them because she wants the followers . Id at least mute them so i don't have to see their weird messages but still get the engagement

 

[Deleted member 11976]

Yeah she doesn't flirt back. She has told me sometimes when guys have been creeps. Her thing is mostly to just ignore it, but not block them

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Is her goal to transition her follows/engagement to become some kind of influencer? Perhaps she wants the engagement for that end.

My situation is not similar to yours but there was a time when my girlfriend-now-wife was very into being a YouTube content creator in the early '10s. We'd talk about her aspirations and she got similar "fans" interacting with her in this way but she didn't block them because the engagement drove her numbers up. We had long serious talks about this stuff and I was cool with the way she ran things because she had a goal. My wife wasn't posting risque pictures though, so that's where our situations are wildly different.

 

[Shroki]

I'm not really on board with the "validating your feelings" thing, tbh. Your feelings strike me as unduly jealous.

Maybe I can be dismissive because I'm NOT a jealous person at all, but if she feels better about herself posting t-shirt and panty pics on Instagram, I don't see why should she have to stop because you're uncomfortable with it. It seems to me the journey here should be communicating a way for YOU to be comfortable with it.

 

[Akira86]

you set the boundaries you were comfortable with. now she wants to push the envelope because it makes her feel sexy.

it's her choice of course but it comes into conflict with her relationship. how does she balance it out, or does she just expect you to "loosen up" because she claims it's no problem?

it's something that she should see herself as a caution, where and how is she fulfilling her needs, the attention of online strangers, internalized self esteem, etc. If she really feels she needs to do this, it's not really a matter of you letting her, its you telling her how it affects you and wether she decides that matters or not.

 

[Vincent Alexander]

Maybe this is unfair, but if she is seeking validation from the internet....she's a bit hypocritical to call you insecure. I think where it would bother me is the fact you said people you know IRL follow her. You wouldn't like your wife sending pics like that to your friends directly, so why does it matter that Instagtam is the middleman?

 

[AlecKoKuTan]

I'm gonna be frank, sounds like she's bored and doesn't care about your insecurities. If you told her you'd do the same, online, I doubt she would care. This is a red flag, I'd take it as a hint to either, communicate more,, work on myself, or get ready to bounce.

She's perfectly in the right to post whatever she wants, and talk to whomever she wants to, as are you.

Longterm relationships usually have one or both becoming complacent. She seems pretty transparent to me. HiTtHeGyMoP

 

[astro]

Have you asked why she doesn't block them outright?

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She has no obligation to block them? There's no reason to even justify it. She is ignoring men throwing themselves at her, that is enough.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

Maybe this is unfair, but if she is seeking validation from the internet....she's a bit hypocritical to call you insecure. I think where it would bother me is the fact you said people you know IRL follow her. That's a bit awkward.

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She said it makes her feel sexy...not that she's seeking validation.

 

[LCGeek]

I'm in camp she's thinking too much of herself which she has every right.

Even if we remove you as a component she's risking yo fam, and lets not act like stalkers don't exist. I'd communicate and if she feels a certain way get a lawyer. I'm in camp red flag.

 

[That1GoodHunter]

You are not in the wrong at all. She has every right to do as she pleases with her body, on any social media app. But if You feel a boundary is being crossed, and is making you bad as a result.... Entirely valid, don't let anyone convince you otherwise

 

[Weiss]

Yeah she doesn't flirt back. She has told me sometimes when guys have been creeps. Her thing is mostly to just ignore it, but not block them

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That's good, that's communication.

If you don't have reason to suspect infidelity, which is an entirely separate discussion to what you've put forth here, then I think it's all good as long you two are just talking about it. Calling you an insecure asshole is crossing a line, and I think that's something that can be hashed out with a professional, but otherwise it's okay for you to have boundaries for yourself. You can't stop her from posting pictures of herself, but you can say you don't want you and your kids on the same account.

I do think at the end of the day it's not about whether or not it's Right or Wrong for her to do this, it's that this is something she wants to do while in a committed relationship with you (assuming monogamous), and in that case yeah your feelings matter, but you don't get to pressure her into fully stopping, which is good, because you haven't entertained the slightest notion of making that pressure to us and you've talked a lot more about your feelings and how you want to accommodate her without upsetting her.

Do you feel the root of your feelings are in that by posting these pictures that are seen by men, you feel that you, yourself, aren't enough for her?

 

[Royalan]

I'm not really on board with the "validating your feelings" thing, tbh. Your feelings strike me as unduly jealous.

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I just... Can't agree with this.

A healthy relationship takes all partners feelings into account. OP has described their attempts to be OK with their partner's behaviors. But if, at the end of the day, they're uncomfortable, then that's completely valid too.

It's not just jealousy involved. A healthy relationship requires all parties involved to be on the same page.

 

[Ascenion]

y'all gotta respect each other full stop. If she wants to feel sexy, that's her right. I'd be proud if other people were saying my partner was sexy. Don't let that make you feel insecure. If she didn't want to be with you she wouldn't be. At the same time, you are her partner and she needs to respect your limits and boundaries within reason. Letting other dudes slide in her DMs while she is posting what some might consider to be thirst traps and not shutting that shit down is a no no. Ain't no way anyone can think that someone messaging you about how sexy you are and then you entertaining that while being in a relationship is okay. Because it's not. And that's a valid conversation to have especially if these are people you both personally know. Your feelings matter OP, your boundaries do too.

 

[Ashhong]

Honestly it sounds like you have made your feelings clear, and she hers. If it's something that continues to bother you, I suggest you try to have another conversation with her. If that doesn't work and it becomes a big issue, you may need to do some couple's therapy and discuss boundaries.

 

[Akira86]

oof, i missed that she said you are being an asshole. what's the age range here?

the fact that she doesn't worry about making you feel better and the fact that she doesn't boot anyone who is being sleazy to her across the fucking ocean, are major red flags to me.

 

[shan780]

it sounds as though she is looking for validation (to "feel sexy") because she maybe doesn't feel she gets enough of it elsewhere. her response to you telling her how you feel about it strikes me as unfair - she's allowed to post whatever pictures she wants, but that doesn't mean you can't have your own feelings about it, or see it as an issue.

if I were you, I'd ask her about why she's looking for this kind of attention. couples therapy, as some others have suggested, is a good idea

btw, messaging guys that have come onto her etc. would break the boundaries I personally have in a relationship - maybe have another conversation about that too.

 

[Ashhong]

I'm not really on board with the "validating your feelings" thing, tbh. Your feelings strike me as unduly jealous.

Maybe I can be dismissive because I'm NOT a jealous person at all, but if she feels better about herself posting t-shirt and panty pics on Instagram, I don't see why should she have to stop because you're uncomfortable with it. It seems to me the journey here should be communicating a way for YOU to be comfortable with it.

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You aren't able to understand that not everyone is as "non-jealous" as you? It's completely normal for someone to be uncomfortable with their partner to be posing in underwear for the world to see. Doesn't make them a jealous person who just has to get over it

 

[HiLife]

Like you said, she can do what she wants with her body but if it's making you feel bad about yourself and she's dismissing that, then that's pretty messed up.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do in your position OP. I'd probably be bummed that me hyping her up myself wouldn't be enough to make her feel 'sexy'. Then again, I'm not in a relationship so take my comment with a grain of salt. Lol.

 

[Deleted member 10014]

Masterbate to them in front of her

 

[iareharSon]

I'm surprised at some of the responses on here lmao, actually no I'm not.

Most social media influencers, youtubers, models, etc. have significant others. Liking to post somewhat risqué photos and being into social media aren't red flags in themselves, and it's a little ridiculous to suggest that they are.

This is clearly something that your significant other likes, given that she has 15,000 TikTok followers and is trying to grow her Instagram foothold. She's literally going out of her way to be transparent with her "fan" engagement, which she doesn't have to be, so why do you want to squash something that she seemingly enjoys due to you being uncomfortable with men looking at her (you know women can look at her too by the way) sexually? News flash, if she can be viewed that way in a bikini or panties, she can and is viewed that way clothed too.

 

[Aprikurt]

I've been there OP, my ex used to do this all the time.

She never entertained sleazy messages though... Or responded kindly to them... That's a firm line.

 

[Expy]

Maybe she's testing you.
Nobody knows except for herself.

You either trust her or you don't.

 

[hachikoma]

Always remember that that she loves you
They may be seen as potential customers/fans (in a sex work context. not saying that applies here), or positivity boosters, but remember that at the end of the day, you are in her heart not them


Yeah that can be worrying, not gonna lie. Anyone can be a friend, but dudes usually never have those honest intentions in mind

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This seems pretty normal to me, just as a counterbalance.

 

[echoshifting]

I feel like some people are forgetting there are kids involved. Shouldn't just jump to "gotta be prepared to leave!" when there's nothing extremely unfaithful happening. It's best to continue working things out and coming to an understanding and setting boundaries through communicating (either together or with a professional) because getting divorced or separating into single parents isn't worth instagram pictures.

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I feel like this attitude often does more harm than good. It certainly did for my family. Op is free to ignore any advice in this thread but this issue doesn't involve the kids. If this ends up being a long-term point of conflict without a viable compromise then it's a problem for everyone if it's left to fester. Not to say it's not worth trying but I hate when people say this to disqualify options. No offense intended.

 

[Lobster Roll]

It's her choice at the end of the day. Let her know how you feel, but that's kinda that at the end of the day. I've been with people in the past that simply enjoyed getting attention on days that they felt they looked really, really good or wore an outfit that was outside of their comfort zone and got attention that way. I eventually started leaning into those feelings of attention they wanted and it was extremely positive for those relationships. If she's unwilling to be respecting of how it hurts you, then yeah, that's a separate issue that you two should work on. But if any of my SOs want to post photos of themselves on social media, then they can go nuts. Have at it. I have no control over that decision.

 

[Vincent Alexander]

She said it makes her feel sexy...not that she's seeking validation.

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Ah. Yeah, you're right.

First thing, OP, actually 2 first things...

1) Your partner is entitled to do whatever the hell they want.

2) You are entitled to feel how you feel.

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At the end of the day, it comes down to these two things. Don't ignore how you feel, and communicate. Just because you two disagree doesn't mean the conversation is over. You have to come to an understanding. If you let it go, then it'll simply boil up again. And you risk a bigger fight.

 

[Davilmar]

You aren't able to understand that not everyone is as "non-jealous" as you? It's completely normal for someone to be uncomfortable with their partner to be posing in underwear for the world to see. Doesn't make them a jealous person who just has to get over it

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This is where I'm at, and its weird that everyone has to be accepting of open or liberal standards of dating. Nothing wrong with that, but acceptance cuts both ways. Some people can be comfortable with their partners posting themselves online, and other can be uncomfortable. It doesn't make their feelings less valid, even if she has every single right to control her body.

 

[Akira86]

You either trust her or you don't.

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ultimatums don't fare well in this instance

this isn't a non-negotiable, take it or leave it situation.

 

[onpoint]

I feel like there's a middle ground in there somewhere that could make you both happy, but I echo the couples counseling suggestions.

 

[Afrikan]

She said she isn't posting it for anyone else just for me. I said she could send it to me if it were just for me. She said it's her body she can do what she wants and she won't take it down.

When guys send her inappropriate messages she doesn't block them, she mostly just doesn't respond but she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

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She lying her ass off. This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship. Just be prepared to make tough decisions, imo. I know you have kids with her, so I do hope it works out... but it doesn't seem like something that could be fixed rather quickly. There's something else going on in her head where having partner and having a family isn't enough to keep her happy, to keep her from not making decisions that she knows hurts you.

Now that being said, if she gave you the impression before you started the relationship that she wants/needs that kind of attention to be happy/feel Sexy, then you can't get too mad. Otherwise don't be too hard on yourself.

Edit- I fixed the mistake of using the word marriage... but that's mainly because I view relationships/partners like a married relationship, specifically if children are involved.

 

[Cipherr]

You're not being an asshole. If this is a boundary you don't like crossed and she keeps crossing it despite you articulating your feelings to her then the relationship is cooked.

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This right here. You cannot and should not be able to control another adult OP. But you do have a right to having your own boundaries and feeling that they have been crossed. You have an obligation IMO to make it known and talk about it, or attempt to. But after that; well.

Hopefully it can work out.

 

[Shroki]

You aren't able to understand that not everyone is as "non-jealous" as you? It's completely normal for someone to be uncomfortable with their partner to be posing in underwear for the world to see. Doesn't make them a jealous person who just has to get over it

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I can understand a level of righteous jealousy. This isn't that, though. There's no evidence she's cheating on him or even adjacent to cheating on him. He doesn't own any kind of exclusivity on seeing her body. She could have a full-on nude OnlyFans and I'd say the solution is making him comfortable with it - not asking her to alter her behavior.

Jealousy is an ugly and abusive trait in a partner. I can respect that he feels the way he does, but his feelings are the unhealthy part of the equation to be addressed from my viewpoint. Not her behavior itself.

But again, I say that knowing that my perspective is different from a lot of people. It's JMO.

 

[Menx64]

I Wouldnt dare to offer advise since it sounds complicated, but maybe ask for profesional help.

 

[iareharSon]

I just... Can't agree with this.

A healthy relationship takes all partners feelings into account. OP has described their attempts to be OK with their partner's behaviors. But if, at the end of the day, they're uncomfortable, then that's completely valid too.

It's not just jealousy involved. A healthy relationship requires all parties involved to be on the same page.

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I can't agree with "all feelings are valid," because they aren't. Either the OP trusts his wife or he doesn't, it's as simple as that. He clearly has reservations, which is very much a problem in a relationship. But not being comfortable with your partner posting risqué pictures, as it pertains to it being a symptom of potential infidelity, is a by product of distrust and jealousy. That's just being straight up.

 

[timshundo]

Yes you're allowed to feel how you feel And Yes I feel like you're an asshole IMO.

Only chiming in cuz everyone's making up stories in their head and turning the wife into a cheating, conniving villain faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of august.

And honestly I'm not gonna trust just the husband's side of this story before judging the situation any further.

Couples therapy.

 

[Era Uma Vez]

I can understand a level of righteous jealousy. This isn't that, though. There's no evidence she's cheating on him or even adjacent to cheating on him. He doesn't own any kind of exclusivity on seeing her body. She could have a full-on nude OnlyFans and I'd say the solution is making him comfortable with it - not asking her to alter her behavior.

Jealousy is an ugly and abusive trait in a partner. I can respect that he feels the way he does, but his feelings are the unhealthy part of the equation to be addressed from my viewpoint. Not her behavior itself.

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Pretty sure the unhealthy part of the equation is her saying that she posts the pics for him, when that's a blatant lie.

 

[Bessy67]

I can't agree with "all feelings are valid," because they aren't. Either the OP trusts his wife or he doesn't, it's as simple as that. He clearly has reservations, which is very much a problem in a relationship. But not being comfortable with your partner posting risqué pictures, as it pertains to it being a symptom of potential infidelity, is a by product of distrust and jealousy. That's just being straight up.

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I mean, when she says she's posting these just for her partner but is posting to instagram rather than just texting him I can see why he may have trust issues.

 

[Weiss]

I can't agree with "all feelings are valid," because they aren't. Either the OP trusts his wife or he doesn't, it's as simple as that. He clearly has reservations, which is very much a problem in a relationship. But not being comfortable with your partner posting risqué pictures, as it pertains to it being a symptom of potential infidelity, is a by product of distrust and jealousy. That's just being straight up.

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Come on, it ain't that binary. Someone trustworthy doesn't say "they're for you" and someone understanding doesn't call you an insecure asshole. Having reservations that OP is beating himself up over doesn't make him the problem, that's why he's here asking us.

'Cause yeah she totally can do this, but I don't think it'd kill either of them to talk with each other instead of boiling this down to "she gets to do whatever and fuck your feelings." Like, what the hell is marrying someone if not at least some indicator that the way they're feeling matters to you?

 

[iareharSon]

Pretty sure the unhealthy part of the equation is her saying that she posts the pics for him, when that's a blatant lie.

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I mean there's tons of questions we can ask if you want to try to read into stuff. I could just as easily ask why the partner doesn't "feel sexy" without resorting to validation through social media. Could be a personal flaw, could be words of affirmation being absent from a relationship.

 

[Musubi]

Seems to me that posting these pictures helps her feel good about herself and her body. If you feel against it I mean that's how you feel but also I think its not going to be the last time this is brought up and may cause an eventual rift in your relationship if you can't actually step back and also consider her feelings.

 

[Era Uma Vez]

I mean there's tons of questions we can ask if you want to try to read into stuff. I could just as easily ask why the partner doesn't "feel sexy" without resorting to validation through social media. Could be a personal flaw, could be words of affirmation being absent from a relationship.

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I'm sorry, I didn't understand your post. Are you saying I'm reading into stuff? Because I'm not assuming things, what I said is based on what's in the op.

 

[Royalan]

I can't agree with "all feelings are valid," because they aren't. Either the OP trusts his wife or he doesn't, it's as simple as that. He clearly has reservations, which is very much a problem in a relationship. But not being comfortable with your partner posting risqué pictures, as it pertains to it being a symptom of potential infidelity, is a by product of distrust and jealousy. That's just being straight up.

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But you're basically saying the same thing I am. Either OP trusts his wife or doesn't. Either she's crossed a boundary of his or she hasn't. He hasn't the right to force her to do anything, but nor is he obligated to sit in a situation he's uncomfortable with. That's the rub; the knife that cuts both ways.

I only spoke personally. Which, for me, is thus: I wouldn't have a problem dating someone who posted titillating photos of themselves online. But if I, for whatever reason, asked you to respect not posting me or my kids, then we're no longer having a conversation of your personal agency. Either respect me, or don't.

 

[Seirith]

I would not be ok with this in my relationship and would not expect my husband to be ok with it either.

Yes, it is her body and she can do as she pleases but it should only matter if you find her sexy, not random people on social media, especially if she is talking with guys who have made comments about her.

Also, context matters, being at the beach in a bikini is very different than purposely posing for a sexy picture in your bedroom. Is it not enough for her that you think she is sexy?

 

[Kyuuji]

Curious how the full conversation went where she called you an asshole as well.

 

[Ghost_Protocol]

My wife occasionally does the same thing, but she's always shown me the picture first and asks if I would be ok with it beforehand. Not because I've ever said I wasn't, and not because she thinks she needs my permission. She does it because she respects the fact that she's in a committed relationship with someone whom she is intimate with, and she isn't comfortable sharing any aspect of the intimacy we have together with strangers unless I was ok with it.

And if I wasn't ok with it, she certainly wouldn't tell me to get over it and do it anyway. This is a respect issue.

 

[scitek]

My wife posting sexy pics online wouldn't really bug me, nor would the fact she's getting DMs. That's just to be expected, I think. if she's messaging these guys back, and leading them on in some way, though, that would probably upset me. I also don't think I'd feel comfortable having pics of my kids on the same IG where dudes are drooling over my wife tbh

Yeah she doesn't flirt back. She has told me sometimes when guys have been creeps. Her thing is mostly to just ignore it, but not block them

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Well that's a good sign, at least. I'd be interested to know what's keeping her from blocking them, though.

 

[platypotamus]

I think I would feel somewhat similar to you OP, but mostly just about separating the thirst traps from the more slice of life posts. I would not want people scrolling through my wife's feed to be bouncing between her thirst traps and my kids faces or family pics. Does she want the creeps that send her creepy DMs looking at your kids? Or like, your mom or whoever else might be following for the kids pics seeing her booty shots? What happened to separation of church and state?!

Edit: I suppose potentially relevant context is that my wife and I don't post our kids on Social media at all, so maybe I'm just overly sensitive about it

 

[echoshifting]

Yes you're allowed to feel how you feel And Yes I feel like you're an asshole IMO.

Only chiming in cuz everyone's making up stories in their head and turning the wife into a cheating, conniving villain faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of august.

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She is posting on the same account she posts pics of op and his kids on. There is nothing wrong with op not being okay with her drawing this kind of attention to something he and his kids are a part of. It's okay for her to do it but he is not an asshole for not being okay with it. That's a boundary issue.

 

[iareharSon]

I'm sorry, I didn't understand your post. Are you saying I'm reading into stuff? Because I'm not assuming things, what I said is based on what's in the op.

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You could be? I mean this is always the case in these types of situations, we're always giving advice based on an unreliable narrator.