My partner is posting risqué pics on Instagram and I don’t know how to feel about it

[darz1]

Ok, so I'm going to just start by saying I know I am probably being insecure and maybe even toxic about this but I honestly don't know what to say.

My partner has been doing tiktoks and has around 15,000 followers and has recently started an Instagram account. She has around 350 followers in Instagram split evenly male and female. I think a lot of her followers come from her tiktok but other come from Facebook. There are people I know personally who are following her on Instagram.

She mostly posts pics of herself, pics of our kids, occasionally a pic of me. Most of it is just selfies. But occasionally she post a sexy pic. Like pics wearing a t shirt and panties. I try not to say anything but I have in the past told her I'm fine with whatever she posts as long as she isn't posting in her underwear.

She recently posted a pic in her bikini bottoms and a crop top, where she standing kind of side on slightly away with her booty out looking back seductively. Like it would be pretty safe to call it a booty shot. I told I her I wasn't cool with it. She asked if I would have a problem if she was at the beach or pool, I said she isn't at the beach or pool, she is in our bedroom posting a pic on her underwear. She said it makes her feel sexy, but I don't understand how posting it on Instagram for everyone to see makes her feel sexy. She said she isn't posting it for anyone else just for me. I said she could send it to me if it were just for me. She said it's her body she can do what she wants and she won't take it down.

Like I said I know I am being insecure. I don't want to be controlling. I don't want to be toxic. I don't like the idea of other guys seeing my partner like that and positing fire emojis and things like that in the comments. I don't like the idea of people I know and interact with seeing her like that. When guys send her inappropriate messages she doesn't block them, she mostly just doesn't respond but she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

I don't want to tell her what to do but the pic being up for everyone to see makes me feel uncomfortable. I tried to explain how I feel and she said I am being an asshole and insecure, which I probably am.

I don't really have anyone else I feel comfortable talking to about this so I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice either in speaking to her about how I feel or even just in getting over my own feelings about it.

 

[Kyari]

edit: yeah okay, in poor taste.

Joking aside its her choice to do so, if it makes her feel positive about herself then great, but I guess at least probably have a conversation about it with her about it to explain how it makes you feel. Its rough to have to talk about in a way that doesn't seem controlling but your feelings are as important as hers.

 

[Darknight]

Sorry. Removed.

In all seriousness, it seems like she's being awfully dismissive of your feelings. Can you explain further why she thinks you're being an asshole for not feeling comfortable and explaining it to her?

Come on, don't do this. Dude's reaching out to us.

Click to shrink...

You're right, I removed it.

 

[Bessy67]

I don't think you need to get over your own feelings about it. Your partner is actively seeking the attention of other men, if she can't see why you have an issue with that then I guess I'd suggest you try and get her to go to couples therapy with you.

 

[vixolus]

I don't have any advice to give, but I think your feelings are valid especially as you two are in a committed relationship (assumed marriage) with kids. It seems inappropriate to post that on social media.

I guess at least probably have a conversation about it with her.

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He has tried according to the OP. That's why he made this post. Doesn't know what to do

 

[Weiss]

I mean yeah at the very core of it is that it is her choice, but you're still allowed to be uncomfortable. You're not toxic because you hate the idea of a bunch of dudes drooling over pictures of your wife.

I don't really have any practical advice other than that, if you feel this is a big enough problem, you two talk to a relationship counselor to maybe get some perspective from each other that you may not be communicating. What makes you uncomfortable, and what's motivating her? Is it as simple as your stated intentions?

I don't think you need to get over your own feelings about it. Your partner is actively seeking the attention of other men, if she can't see why you have an issue with that then I guess I'd suggest you try and get her to go to couples therapy with you.

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Yeah like, there's really no other way to put this. That's monogamy for ya.

 

[Wes D. Mess]

When guys send her inappropriate messages she doesn't block them, she mostly just doesn't respond but she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

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uuhhh

 

[ARdgx]

You seem to be thinking your feelings and your opinions don't matter OP.

 

[MasterYoshi]

Gotta one up her, start modeling those tighty whities on your insta

 

[Royalan]

First thing, OP, actually 2 first things...

1) Your partner is entitled to do whatever the hell they want.

2) You are entitled to feel how you feel.

You should voice your opinion to your partner, have the conversation, and acknowledge how you feel. As for how I would feel personally... Wouldn't care so much about nudity so much as posting me and my kids on this same Instagram. In that Instance, it's not just your body.

 

[Frigid Eh]

Agree with you OP this would make me very uncomfortable and I think it is fair to feel it's disrespectful to your relationship.

 

[electroshockwave]

Time to lawyer up.

 

[Br3wnor]

If you make her take the pics down she's gonna resent you, but at the same time her "I'm only posting these for you" is bullshit too (unless that's a kink you guys have, which doesn't seem to be the case) and she's likely posting these pics because they garner attention from other people which is also troubling.

Your best bet is to ride it out and see where it goes. Making her stop is guaranteed to end badly whereas she really just might like the attention and that's enough for her and she has no intentions of straying from your monogamous relationship and just likes to thirst post for fun

 

[Kyuuji]

She said it makes her feel sexy, but I don't understand how posting it on Instagram for everyone to see makes her feel sexy.

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If you posted a pic of yourself at the beach or flexing at the gym and had a load of people send compliments and likes your way, wouldn't it make you feel good about yourself?

 

[Uncle Squingis]

I personally feel it is a bit controlling to ask her to stop.

 

[Deleted member 49482]

I don't think you need to get over your own feelings about it. Your partner is actively seeking the attention of other men, if she can't see why you have an issue with that then I guess I'd suggest you try and get her to go to couples therapy with you.

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Couples therapy is a great suggestion.

I would personally question if there was something going wrong in my relationship if my partner was actively seeking this type of validation from social media.

 

[Deleted member 11976]

Let it ruin you or use it as a chance to have fun. Shoot her a racy text anytime you notice her posting risque stuff? Ask her for extra photos just for you?

You're the guy who she has kids with and spends time with, remember that. All those other mfs can look but not touch. And it is her choice to post these things, just like it's your choice how to react.

 

[leap that wall]

Talk to her, you don't have to try and understand what you feel. You feel what you feel and it's never wrong to feel a certain way. If you're feeling insecure, tell her just that. That you're feeling insecure and you don't want to be controlling and shit, but that her online persona is not making you feel good. Maybe just talking gives you the solution to that problem.

Communication is key man, to all things in life. In a relationship we tend to suppress that because we don't want to get dumped and that sucks. But think about it this way: Metroid Dread is coming out in pretty much a month. Even if she dumps you, life's pretty fucking fantastic right now, so you have no other way to go but up!

 

[Vic Damone Jr.]

You seem to be thinking your feelings and your opinions don't matter OP.

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This.

 

[Ashes of Dreams]

Yeah there's a lot going on here. This sort of situation is going to be different depending on the people involved. I can understand why you're worried about being controlling/possessive. I personally wouldn't have a problem with my partner looking sexy online, and as she said it is her body, but I think there's a lot of people who would feel similarly to you. The fact that you tried to talk to her about it and express it makes you uncomfortable seems to me like you did the right thing in how you approached it.

The only thing I can say is that you should approach her again, explain that her behavior with other guys and online is really bothering you and that you guys need to talk it through together, with mutual respect. If you're willing to hear where she's coming from and why maybe feeling sexy to others is important to her, and she's willing to hear where you're coming from and why you don't like that, then you can move forward and establishing what the line/boundary is.

 

[NakedCenturion]

I would not at all call that being insecure. You have your comfort zone, and I fully understand it. She seems to disagree with you, which is her right, but she doesn't necessarily seem to be looking at it from your point of view, or at the very least is brushing off your concerns which isn't the right way to go about this.

Not much advice to give since I don't know much about your relationship, but I understand where you're coming from. Curious how she would react to women openly hitting on you if you were to do something similar. It's a two way street, you need to find the right balance for both of you, brushing off your concerns is not the right way to go imo.

 

[Avitus]

This isn't really normal behavior. You shouldn't feel bad for having misgivings about it.

This part in particular:

When guys send her inappropriate messages she doesn't block them, she mostly just doesn't respond but she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

Click to shrink...

 

[Daysean]

Always remember that that she loves you
They may be seen as potential customers/fans (in a sex work context. not saying that applies here), or positivity boosters, but remember that at the end of the day, you are in her heart not them

This isn't really normal behavior. You shouldn't feel bad for having misgivings about it.

This part in particular:

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Yeah that can be worrying, not gonna lie. Anyone can be a friend, but dudes usually never have those honest intentions in mind

 

[Spinluck]

Looks like you needed to get this off your chest.

Just tell her OP. Tell her exactly how it makes you feel and that you think of it.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

She said it's her body she can do what she wants

Click to shrink...

But think about it this way: Metroid Dread is coming out in pretty much a month. Even if she dumps you, life's pretty fucking fantastic right now, so you have no other way to go but up!

Click to shrink...

 

[j7vikes]

Social media was a mistake. OP your feelings are absolutely valid. Have you considered couples counseling? It is also her body and her choice of course. But you don't seem unreasonable about being hurt.

 

[Davilmar]

Nothing wrong feeling what you feel. Doesn't make you uncomfortable, but it seems like you already expressed your lack of comfort with the situation. If counseling doesn't work, you'd have to decide what your boundaries are and what that means for the future of your relationship.

 

[jwk94]

The fact that she's posting racy pics and not blocking dude's who are flirting with her is a huge red flag.

 

[astro]

Her body, her choice. You can't control her.

You can, and should, be honest about how it makes you feel. "Doing it for you" doesn't seem genuine, and the part about being friends with sleazy guys feels pretty gross as a general idea, bit I don't know details enough to really comment.

Both of you need to be fully honest, discuss this as partners without trying to tell the other what to do or how to feel. Hopefully you can figure it out without it hurting one of you.

 

[Desi]

Like I said I know I am being insecure. I don't want to be controlling. I don't want to be toxic. I don't like the idea of other guys seeing my partner like that and positing fire emojis and things like that in the comments. I don't like the idea of people I know and interact with seeing her like that. When guys send her inappropriate messages she doesn't block them, she mostly just doesn't respond but she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

I don't want to tell her what to do but the pic being up for everyone to see makes me feel uncomfortable. I tried to explain how I feel and she said I am being an asshole and insecure, which I probably am.

I don't really have anyone else I feel comfortable talking to about this so I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice either in speaking to her about how I feel or even just in getting over my own feelings about it.

Click to shrink...

that is kind of all there is to it. You can't police her body. If you don't want the kids or you on the insta, sure but if it makes her feel great posting herself then you better just get used to it or go to therapy.

 

[astro]

The fact that she's posting racy pics and not blocking dude's who are flirting with her is a huge red flag.

Click to shrink...

Not necessarily, at all. We don't know exactly what this fliting is. If it is just one way messages then she isn't responsibke for that and doesn't need to block anyone to prove a thing.

If she is flirting back via DMs or something that would be different.

 

[echoshifting]

Sounds like a really tough spot to be in. Sorry op.

Frankly if she is turning outward to feel sexy and you're not on board with that, I'm not sure how to overcome that issue long-term. That's not an insignificant compatibility issue.

 

[Astral]

I've always wondered how I'd react to this. I don't think I'd like it. Like yeah at the end of the day she's with me and all that but it wouldn't exactly feel great knowing a bunch of dudes are drooling over her sexy pics online. So I feel you. Your wife said she likes it because it makes her feel sexy. Does she not feel sexy usually? Are there other ways she can feel that way? Maybe it's worth thinking about how to spice things up or something.

 

[Sunster]

Ok, so I'm going to just start by saying I know I am probably being insecure and maybe even toxic about this but I honestly don't know what to say.

inappropriate messages she doesn't block them, she mostly just doesn't respond but she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

Click to shrink...

Now see, that's where I'm drawing a line. idgaf if that makes me a "bad bf" somehow. if my girl was entertaining guys like that then it's a boundary crossed.

 

[iareharSon]

Either you trust her or you don't

 

[Shoreu]

First thing, OP, actually 2 first things...

1) Your partner is entitled to do whatever the hell they want.

2) You are entitled to feel how you feel.

You should voice your opinion to your partner, have the conversation, and acknowledge how you feel. As for how I would feel personally... Wouldn't care so much about nudity so much as posting me and my kids on this same Instagram. In that Instance, it's not just your body.

Click to shrink...

Came to say this.
You need to decide if you can accept and trust her SM habits or have a candid conversation on the topic and come to a conclusion.

 

[Kyuuji]

I'm guessing she shows you these DM's too, considering you know how some of her friendships with people originated from them?

 

[LuckyLocke]

I can't tell you how you feel is right or wrong, and I think your feelings are valid, but I personally wouldn't mind much. I mean these dudes may drool over pictures of your partner on instagram and yeah it may make her feel better, but at the end of the day she's in bed with you, every day. That's commitment, and you can't get that off instagram.

 

[BlueTsunami]

From my experience it's essentially thirst trapping for validation. If you're on the fence either get with it or 23 skidoo out that sumbitch. You'll feel resentful if you stay with her while not being cool with it.

 

[Weiss]

I think it would be really helpful for yourself if you realize what boundaries you want to set for yourself, which, of course, need to be discussed with her. Your wife wants to post pics on social media, but I think a clear starting point is separate accounts for those pictures and ones featuring you and your family if you don't want to be on an account with those pictures.

 

[KoopaTheCasual]

I'm guessing she shows you these DM's too, considering you know how some of her friendships with people originated from them?

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Yea OP, if she's showing you the DMs, that's honestly a better sign (than the alternative), because she genuinely is not hiding anything from you.

If that's the case, just let her know that the engaging with sleazy dudes is a boundary to you. That seems extremely fair.

And if she's cagey with showing you the DMs... well, you guys should have an open conversation about that =/

Edit: Bottom line - Communication will right this ship, one way or another.

 

[Degenerate]

You're not being an asshole. If this is a boundary you don't like crossed and she keeps crossing it despite you articulating your feelings to her then the relationship is cooked. There are plenty of partners that don't post risque photos online and entertain messages from other dudes if that's not something you're ok with.

 

[darz1]

Not necessarily, at all. We don't know exactly what this fliting is. If it is just one way messages then she isn't responsibke for that and doesn't need to block anyone to prove a thing.

If she is flirting back via DMs or something that would be different.

Click to shrink...

Yeah she doesn't flirt back. She has told me sometimes when guys have been creeps. Her thing is mostly to just ignore it, but not block them

 

[Kill3r7]

Talk to your wife. Be frank about your feelings. She is an adult and is free to do as she wants (as are you).

 

[Avitus]

Yeah she doesn't flirt back. She has told me sometimes when guys have been creeps. Her thing is mostly to just ignore it, but not block them

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Have you asked why she doesn't block them outright?

 

[vixolus]

I feel like some people are forgetting there are kids involved. Shouldn't just jump to "gotta be prepared to leave!" when there's nothing extremely unfaithful happening. It's best to continue working things out and coming to an understanding and setting boundaries through communicating (either together or with a professional) because getting divorced or separating into single parents isn't worth instagram pictures.

 

[Deleted member 68874]

Your feeling are completely valid. The fact she is so dismissive of your feelings sucks.

Her seeking validation from other men outside of her relationship is suspect as hell. The fact she went on the offensive when you tried to speak with her about it is even more suspect.

You need to figure out if this is something you can accept or not because it appears she couldnt care less about how you feel.

 

[Combo]

I find most of the responses here (about his feelings perhaps being valid) surprising because you don't often see such views in the media or society. He didn't get those thoughts about negating his feelings from nowhere.

 

[Uncle Squingis]

she has in the past maintained friendship with guys who very much came on to her in sleazy ways.

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May I request more details about this please?

 

[fracas]

It's good that she's being fairly transparent but I don't get why she's acting like your feelings aren't valid, OP.

She basically admitted she's seeking validation, and that's totally fine, but there are certainly other ways to get it that also won't hurt your feelings.