My girlfriend suffers from depression and I feel helpless

[WhiskerFrisker]

My girlfriend and I have been happily together for some time now. The problem is, she suffers from depression which stems from a traumatic experience from childhood and so she gets sad from time to time. Up until this point, it has been reasonably manageable and it would go away. This past weekend however, an upcoming event (which reminds her of the traumatic event) and several mini interactions caused to flair to a point I haven't seen before. She has been sad since Friday but she never told me this until Sunday but I could sense that something was off. She goes to her family on the weekends so I can't physically be there to console her.

Last night after I got off work I FaceTime her and she explains the situation and how various things had triggered her; loss of friends and those who are there do not check in on her, feeling that she always has to be the one to initiate conversations. The way I am, I like to offer solutions to help (in my mind) but she plainly told me she doesn't want to hear that. People are always telling her what to do and not understanding how she feels. A bit later she can't fall asleep and she starts crying and I had no idea what to say without making it worse. No matter what say, it always back fires. This is killing me because I hate seeing her like this and she's asking questions like "what did I do to deserve this?"

I've never dealt with someone who suffers from depression and I don't know what to say or do in these situations. What can I do?

 

[skipgo]

You shouldn't try to fix her, should make it clear to her that you accept her as she is and be there for her.

 

[Brazil]

It's a really hard situation, OP. There really isn't anything you can do to "fix" the problem - it's an illness, and not just mere sadness. Is she treating it?

 

[fanboi]

I think initially just listen and be there, don't give her advice what to do... that will probably come later (a possibility to give meaningful advice that is).

 

[Ploppee]

Just remind her that you are there for her and always ready to listen when she's ready / wants to talk about things. It's a really tricky thing to navigate but as someone suffering bad depression and is in (by the sounds of it) a similar situation to your gf the thing I appreciate the most is when my gf gives me space to line up my thoughts and then talk about things. Depression is great at muddling your mind.

Just be a stable foundation she can lean on.

 

[Richietto]

Just be good to her, don't try and fix it.

 

[Jokab]

If she doesn't want solutions you shouldn't offer them. You need to get out of the mindset that everything needs a fix, sometimes (most of the time I'd say) people just want to vent and someone to listen. It's why therapy works. That said you shouldn't substitute her therapist and she should get one if she hasn't already.

 

[CanUKlehead]

My girlfriend and I have been happily together for some time now. The problem is, she suffers from depression which stems from a traumatic experience from childhood and so she gets sad from time to time. Up until this point, it has been reasonably manageable and it would go away. This past weekend however, an upcoming event (which reminds her of the traumatic event) and several mini interactions caused to flair to a point I haven't seen before. She has been sad since Friday but she never told me this until Sunday but I could sense that something was off. She goes to her family on the weekends so I can't physically be there to console her.

Last night after I got off work I FaceTime her and she explains the situation and how various things had triggered her; loss of friends and those who are there do not check in on her, feeling that she always has to be the one to initiate conversations. The way I am, I like to offer solutions to help (in my mind) but she plainly told me she doesn't want to hear that. People are always telling her what to do and not understanding how she feels. A bit later she can't fall asleep and she starts crying and I had no idea what to say without making it worse. No matter what say, it always back fires. This is killing me because I hate seeing her like this and she's asking questions like "what did I do to deserve this?"

I've never dealt with someone who suffers from depression and I don't know what to say or do in these situations. What can I do?

Click to shrink...

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[Fisty]

I was in a semi-similar situation many years ago, and from my experience there is nothing you can do besides set the bar at "dealing with it in a productive way". Spent months trying to suggest they get professional help, offering to tag along, to pay, to do anything, but nothing ever changed and I gave up to save my own sanity. Not saying your situation is in any way similar, but I thought I'd share since I had to basically get out for my own health, regardless of how much I cared for the other person.

 

[Rotkehle]

My girlfriend and I have been happily together for some time now. The problem is, she suffers from depression which stems from a traumatic experience from childhood and so she gets sad from time to time. Up until this point, it has been reasonably manageable and it would go away. This past weekend however, an upcoming event (which reminds her of the traumatic event) and several mini interactions caused to flair to a point I haven't seen before. She has been sad since Friday but she never told me this until Sunday but I could sense that something was off. She goes to her family on the weekends so I can't physically be there to console her.

Last night after I got off work I FaceTime her and she explains the situation and how various things had triggered her; loss of friends and those who are there do not check in on her, feeling that she always has to be the one to initiate conversations. The way I am, I like to offer solutions to help (in my mind) but she plainly told me she doesn't want to hear that. People are always telling her what to do and not understanding how she feels. A bit later she can't fall asleep and she starts crying and I had no idea what to say without making it worse. No matter what say, it always back fires. This is killing me because I hate seeing her like this and she's asking questions like "what did I do to deserve this?"

I've never dealt with someone who suffers from depression and I don't know what to say or do in these situations. What can I do?

Click to shrink...

My now wife has/had (it will never go completely away) a major depression. We are now about 10 years together. In our fourth year it got very complicated for her to stay afloat. She was on the edge of staying alive and only one more bad thought could have ended everything.
What her helped was starting her therapy and accepting, that this illness is part of her life. She learned there to control her depressions better and now 6 years later she is changed. She now knows how to steer away when her mind tries to harm her.

The only thing you can and should do is to be there for her. You will not be able to explain to her that this is just the illness and stop being depressed. That's not how it works and could end up creating more pressure. She need professional help. That saved my wife and my best friend too, who also was on the brink.

 

[kyle mechlachlan]

I assume you're a male? The mentality that you need to offer a solution is something a lot of males tend to do (I do it too). But the thing that I realized is that... people who are suffering from depression, or just in a low state of mind generally don't want you to provide a solution. Generally. They just want you to empathize and be there. If they specifically ask for help, you can offer, but most of the time it's not going to help. My partner goes through rough times here and there and as their partner I try to sit, listen and allow them to express their feelings. Only when things are settled will I gently offer my opinion - but whether or not they want it is something you just have to come to learn.

Not every situation is the same obviously. If they aren't thinking about therapy I would say recommending that as a way to cope with the depression is probably a good route - then medication as well if the therapist recommends it.

 

[Deleted member 21339]

I tend to suffer from depression but it has never manifested in such a way that I actively pushed away others. Frankly, that type of behavior is a little foreign to me ... as a fellow depression sufferer. I don't like the idea that because you suffer from a malady that it gives you license to mistreat others. Maybe I'm wrong. My advice would be to leave her be and tell her you are there for her if she needs you.

 

[C.Mongler]

This sounds similar to the situation I am in with my wife. She carries a lot of childhood trauma that can come out in really harmful, concerning, and sometimes even scary, ways. From your post one thing I gather is that you are worried that you're not saying the right things; to be clear, the onus is not on you to say the right thing or to fix her. Most likely there is nothing you are going to be able to say or do that will provide any sort of long lasting healing; in fact often times in trying to find "the right thing to say" you can make things worse because it can make the depressed person feel like they aren't being heard or understood. The most important thing for you to do is listen and empathize as best you can.

Is your girlfriend seeing professional help? Is that something that is an option for her in her current situation (I know as an American it's super difficult here to find affordable mental health care)? People with depression often times find it very overwhelming to seek help; it may be useful to help her research her options, but ultimately it is on her if she wants to go or not.

 

[btuger]

Similar story I guess. I might be seen as a bad person after this message, but I was in the same situation, and it ultimately led to our break-up. For around 1 year, I tried doing the same thing, console her, be there for her but at the same time saying she should see a specialist, which she ignored. Our evenings would always end up with her crying. Eventually it got to me and I started feeling down too, almost fearful of our evenings together. Now I do recognize that maybe I should have listened more than give advice, but back then I didn't know that.

Never underestimate professional help! Hopefully, she's seeing someone.

 

[Finale Fireworker]

I have gone through this and am going through this right now so I will give the best advice I can. But a few reminders first.

As much as we care about these people in our lives, we are not professionals and can never provide the care or service an actual therapist or counselor can. This is something I know I have struggled with. My SO is the most important person in my life, and I am theirs, so at times I have felt like I was responsible for curing them somehow. But helping someone you love through something difficult doesn't mean solving their problem. Being there for someone is a different job than playing doctor. Since I had problems with this before, I want to impart that knowledge up front.

The biggest things I've learned are...
1) Problems like the ones you're describing have to be dealt with from the inside out, not the outside in. So it is impossible for you to solve the problem. Rather than propose solutions, you should try asking her what she would like to do. Ask if there's anything you can do for them, or anywhere you can take them, or even if they might want to be alone. Ask what you can do for them and see how that goes. When my SO it upset, something the thing I need to do to help them through that night is make dinner for them. But you should get in the habit of always asking questions. Ask "do you want to talk?" instead of saying "talk to me," for example.

2) People who feel misunderstood often struggle to express themselves as well. People who feel isolated and misunderstood are usually not well practiced at talking about what's bothering them. Sometimes it's hard to put in to words because they have only ever focused on how it feels for them and don't know how to translate that emotion in to language. It will probably never be as simple as "tell me what's bothering you." You might ask questions like "what's on your mind", or "what are you feeling" instead. My SO often expresses themselves better if they starts by describing how they're feeling or what they're thinking about in that moment and then are able to verbally walk backwards to the source. It's important you be patient because sometimes it can take a long time, starting and stopping as needed, for someone under stress to get something out. Sometimes my SO and I need to talk for an hour on and off, with something on TV to break the point of concentration, before they're able to get to the heart of what's weighing on them.

3) Ask if she would be interested in professional counseling and encourage her to attend. Seek out resources and names and numbers and try to make it as easy for her to start going as possible. We are ultimately not doctors. Our loved ones may need help we are not capable of providing. So always have this option as a sort of parallel goal. Helping someone get help is sometimes the best thing you can do.


The biggest thing is that you have to listen, listen, listen. Sometimes you don't have to say anything at all. You can listen and then just give them a hug or offer them something to eat. But always ask questions rather than give answers. Sometimes my SO just wants me to lay down with them and watch 5 episodes of The Office. Emotional maintenance is not always solution-based. It's a very moment to moment thing sometimes. Being the person your girlfriend can count on that for is the most valuable accommodation you can provide.


Lots of luck and love to you both. It's not easy and I don't have answers so much as some lessons I've learned personally. I hope they are helpful to you.

 

[deimosmasque]

Just remind her that you are there for her and always ready to listen when she's ready / wants to talk about things. It's a really tricky thing to navigate but as someone suffering bad depression and is in (by the sounds of it) a similar situation to your gf the thing I appreciate the most is when my gf gives me space to line up my thoughts and then talk about things. Depression is great at muddling your mind.

Just be a stable foundation she can lean on.

Click to shrink...

Completely this.

The truth of the matter is you are helpless. The only thing you can do is be there for when they need you and back off when they say they don't need to. It can be frustrating and annoying but the more you push it trying to help when they don't want it, the worse it's going to make the actual situation for her.

 

[Komo]

OP She just needs you to be there for her. Honestly the most I'd even go saying to anyone whos going through stuff like this atm, is just I am going to be here for you no matter what, and if you ever need someone to talk to I will be there for you.

And don't go overboard with it but do make sure to tell her that you love them (not sure if you're at this point or what not)

 

[BennyWhatever]

OP it's really really hard to change your mindset to not "fix it." I struggled with this for a long time with every relationship I've had. Many people don't want you to fix it; they just want you there. Maybe bring her ice cream.

 

[ThreepQuest64]

No matter what say, it always back fires. This is killing me because I hate seeing her like this and she's asking questions like "what did I do to deserve this?"

Click to shrink...

I can feel you, buddy. Had a likewise experience, especially the above quoted. Even when I tried to say something to genuinely cheer her up she found ways to diminish it and turn it around negatively so she's hurt again. She also had zero sympathy that her behaviour put a strain on me as well. It was all about her and she felt it was my duty to make her feel good and to make her happy. (Which I don't believe in. Never ever require someone else to make you happy, don't make it his/her job to fill a void.)

It went on until she cut herself and told me, after a fight, via text message she's gonna do it and then later she's done it. It got worse and worse and finally so much that there were times I literally felt she would murder me in my sleep. Seriously. Then came a phase where she was totally dead inside and didn't show any emotions. I was already done with it at that point but that put a nail into the coffin. I didn't love her enough to cope with all that; she wasn't like that when we first met and we weren't together too long and I felt how she was dragging me down as well and I sincerely feared about my long-term health.
She's now in therapy.

All I can say is, that you should put yourself first priority. It's like in first aid class: you can't help anybody when you're injured (or worse), too. Try to be there for her, tell her exactly that, but don't make any assumptions, don't treat her like a fragile egg, don't be her doctor. But you have to be prepared that at some point there might be a cross-rode for both of you, and no matter what happens you're not responsible for her, as hard as it sounds. There's only so much you can do. Ending a romantic relationship doesn't necessary mean you end all relationship with her; you can still help her if in need. But be aware that you can never be someone's doctor or therapist.

 

[Landy828]

She has to get professional help. Not occasional, or random, help. Full on professional help. Counseling, doctor, medication if needed.

There's absolutely nothing you can do to "fix" her. She has to want to get "better" and you can support her and help her find what she needs to get better.

I spent nearly 10 years trying to "help" my ex-wife get better with her PTSD/Depression, but she always chose the destructive/selfish path instead of the improving/helpful path. So that's why she's my ex-wife.

Hopefully you guys pull through this.

As a side note, and I hate to say this, but OP.....don't destroy your life trying to "fix" someone else. If there's no attempt at progress, you may have to move on. :( I do hope that isn't the way it goes though.

 

[Xiao Hu]

I highly recommend seeing a therapist and medication. Anti depressants help us affected to get back on track and therapy strengthens our own resolve and will power

 

[WhiskerFrisker]

Thank you all for the advice. I'm getting the general idea that I need to listen way more

This sounds similar to the situation I am in with my wife. She carries a lot of childhood trauma that can come out in really harmful, concerning, and sometimes even scary, ways. From your post one thing I gather is that you are worried that you're not saying the right things; to be clear, the onus is not on you to say the right thing or to fix her. Most likely there is nothing you are going to be able to say or do that will provide any sort of long lasting healing; in fact often times in trying to find "the right thing to say" you can make things worse because it can make the depressed person feel like they aren't being heard or understood. The most important thing for you to do is listen and empathize as best you can.

Is your girlfriend seeing professional help? Is that something that is an option for her in her current situation (I know as an American it's super difficult here to find affordable mental health care)? People with depression often times find it very overwhelming to seek help; it may be useful to help her research her options, but ultimately it is on her if she wants to go or not.

Click to shrink...

Similar story I guess. I might be seen as a bad person after this message, but I was in the same situation, and it ultimately led to our break-up. For around 1 year, I tried doing the same thing, console her, be there for her but at the same time saying she should see a specialist, which she ignored. Our evenings would always end up with her crying. Eventually it got to me and I started feeling down too, almost fearful of our evenings together. Now I do recognize that maybe I should have listened more than give advice, but back then I didn't know that.

Never underestimate professional help! Hopefully, she's seeing someone.

Click to shrink...

Unfortunately, she does not want to seek professional help. I've suggested a couple times but she isn't comfortable sharing her deepest thoughts with someone she doesn't know. She also feels as if her parents would find out.

I have gone through this and am going through this right now so I will give the best advice I can. But a few reminders first.

As much as we care about these people in our lives, we are not professionals and can never provide the care or service an actual therapist or counselor can. This is something I know I have struggled with. My SO is the most important person in my life, and I am theirs, so at times I have felt like I was responsible for curing them somehow. But helping someone you love through something difficult doesn't mean solving their problem. Being there for someone is a different job than playing doctor. Since I had problems with this before, I want to impart that knowledge up front.

The biggest things I've learned are...
1) Problems like the ones you're describing have to be dealt with from the inside out, not the outside in. So it is impossible for you to solve the problem. Rather than propose solutions, you should try asking her what she would like to do. Ask if there's anything you can do for them, or anywhere you can take them, or even if they might want to be alone. Ask what you can do for them and see how that goes. When my SO it upset, something the thing I need to do to help them through that night is make dinner for them. But you should get in the habit of always asking questions. Ask "do you want to talk?" instead of saying "talk to me," for example.

2) People who feel misunderstood often struggle to express themselves as well. People who feel isolated and misunderstood are usually not well practiced at talking about what's bothering them. Sometimes it's hard to put in to words because they have only ever focused on how it feels for them and don't know how to translate that emotion in to language. It will probably never be as simple as "tell me what's bothering you." You might ask questions like "what's on your mind", or "what are you feeling" instead. My SO often expresses themselves better if they starts by describing how they're feeling or what they're thinking about in that moment and then are able to verbally walk backwards to the source. It's important you be patient because sometimes it can take a long time, starting and stopping as needed, for someone under stress to get something out. Sometimes my SO and I need to talk for an hour on and off, with something on TV to break the point of concentration, before they're able to get to the heart of what's weighing on them.

3) Ask if she would be interested in professional counseling and encourage her to attend. Seek out resources and names and numbers and try to make it as easy for her to start going as possible. We are ultimately not doctors. Our loved ones may need help we are not capable of providing. So always have this option as a sort of parallel goal. Helping someone get help is sometimes the best thing you can do.


The biggest thing is that you have to listen, listen, listen. Sometimes you don't have to say anything at all. You can listen and then just give them a hug or offer them something to eat. But always ask questions rather than give answers. Sometimes my SO just wants me to lay down with them and watch 5 episodes of The Office. Emotional maintenance is not always solution-based. It's a very moment to moment thing sometimes. Being the person your girlfriend can count on that for is the most valuable accommodation you can provide.


Lots of luck and love to you both. It's not easy and I don't have answers so much as some lessons I've learned personally. I hope they are helpful to you.

Click to shrink...

Thank for this detailed post. I will take this to heart.

Completely this.

The truth of the matter is you are helpless. The only thing you can do is be there for when they need you and back off when they say they don't need to. It can be frustrating and annoying but the more you push it trying to help when they don't want it, the worse it's going to make the actual situation for her.

Click to shrink...

It's a weird thing for me to to come to terms with but I will apply this.

I can feel you, buddy. Had a likewise experience, especially the above quoted. Even when I tried to say something to genuinely cheer her up she found ways to diminish it and turn it around negatively so she's hurt again. She also had zero sympathy that her behaviour put a strain on me as well. It was all about her and she felt it was my duty to make her feel good and to make her happy. (Which I don't believe in. Never ever require someone else to make you happy, don't make it his/her job to fill a void.)

It went on until she cut herself and told me, after a fight, via text message she's gonna do it and then later she's done it. It got worse and worse and finally so much that there were times I literally felt she would murder me in my sleep. Seriously. Then came a phase where she was totally dead inside and didn't show any emotions. I was already done with it at that point but that put a nail into the coffin. I didn't love her enough to cope with all that; she wasn't like that when we first met and we weren't together too long and I felt how she was dragging me down as well and I sincerely feared about my long-term health.
She's now in therapy.

All I can say is, that you should put yourself first priority. It's like in first aid class: you can't help anybody when you're injured (or worse), too. Try to be there for her, tell her exactly that, but don't make any assumptions, don't treat her like a fragile egg, don't be her doctor. But you have to be prepared that at some point there might be a cross-rode for both of you, and no matter what happens you're not responsible for her, as hard as it sounds. There's only so much you can do. Ending a romantic relationship doesn't necessary mean you end all relationship with her; you can still help her if in need. But be aware that you can never be someone's doctor or therapist.

Click to shrink...

This sucks to read and I do hope it never comes to this point. But I understand what you're saying.

 

[Yasuke]

No matter what say, it always back fires.

Click to shrink...

Had a likewise experience, especially the above quoted. Even when I tried to say something to genuinely cheer her up she found ways to diminish it and turn it around negatively so she's hurt again. She also had zero sympathy that her behaviour put a strain on me as well. It was all about her and she felt it was my duty to make her feel good and to make her happy. (Which I don't believe in. Never ever require someone else to make you happy, don't make it his/her job to fill a void.)

Click to shrink...

Oof. I feel this :/

You think being in a relationship with a depressed person is bad? Try also being depressed yourself. That's the critical mode.

At least the sex be fire, when y'all both feel up to having it.