Yea and as a team, each member has to realize when is the proper time to offer that help. Some times it's best to just let the other person vent, op will find the right time and way to help her.
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My GF is unhappy with her job, but won't take active steps to change her situation and gets upset with me when I try to help. What to do?
- Thread starter ToddBonzalez
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Not a guy, but I'm the same. When it's a daily thing and you see how much it affects them, it's hard to not want to help them solve it. I just try to balance being an active listener, validating their frustrations, and keeping an optimistic attitude about solutions where possible.
I understand sometimes people just need to vent and don't want to actually do anything about a situation. However, hearing about it over and over is exhausting as fuck. I'll let the person vent a few times about it but after that it's like either do something about it or shut up about it.
The problem with the "let her vent" thing is it's not really getting to the root cause of the problem. If the problem is causing the venting, and the problem doesn't go away, when happens then? Maybe some would say "the point is - there isn't a problem to be solved"...to that I say - BS. If a person is complaining, getting upset, annoyed, etc. then there IS a problem.
Being in a relationship is about compromise and give and take. While I agree that listening and commiserating should be a part of the equation, just letting someone vent over and over and over endlessly just wears down BOTH people. At a certain point, both sides have to be able to communicate about how to move forward from the endless cycle of anger/sadness the problem is causing.
Sure, if it's a one time thing, and my fiancé is just pissed about a random thing, definitely shutting the hell up and listening (even when I don't see the big deal) is the best thing to do. But with problems like OP's, where it's a constant loop...never offering help may just prolong the issue.
OP: Tone down on the offering help every time it comes up, but when it happens multiple times in a given period to the point that it starts to wear you down, bring it up in a tactful way.
Being in a relationship is about compromise and give and take. While I agree that listening and commiserating should be a part of the equation, just letting someone vent over and over and over endlessly just wears down BOTH people. At a certain point, both sides have to be able to communicate about how to move forward from the endless cycle of anger/sadness the problem is causing.
Sure, if it's a one time thing, and my fiancé is just pissed about a random thing, definitely shutting the hell up and listening (even when I don't see the big deal) is the best thing to do. But with problems like OP's, where it's a constant loop...never offering help may just prolong the issue.
OP: Tone down on the offering help every time it comes up, but when it happens multiple times in a given period to the point that it starts to wear you down, bring it up in a tactful way.
This, hearing somebody constantly bitch about the same thing for something they can actually change while not even putting in the work toward the change is obnoxious.
From experience I can say let her come to her own solutions when it comes to things like this, I tried to "fix it" and the situation ended up being worse. Now's the time to learn the prayer haha.
exactly just listen dont try and fix this. shes her own person and just encourage and be understanding. If she really wanted help she would ask and thats how OP should look at this.
Sounds like she doesn't want your or anyone's help. Leave her be, some people are like that.
As a professional woman who has a lot of anxiety issues, I empathize a lot with your girlfriend. I'm not super happy in my current job, but it's not 100% awful and the stress of applying for a new job is just too much, especially right now with everything else going on. I know it's hard for you to not offer solutions, but I'm going to reiterate a lot of what other women in the thread have said - a lot of the times we're just looking for a sympathetic ear, not solutions. I complain about my job to my fiance somewhat regularly, and if he responded by sending me job postings and things like that, it would undoubtedly stress me out even more.
She may get to the point where she's finally had enough and is ready to start looking, and then she may appreciate your expertise. In the past, I've definitely appreciated it when exes have looked over my resume/helped me network, etc. But until then, just let her vent - unless it's starting to cause resentment, in which case you'll for sure need to have a discussion with her about it.
I was in a similar situation with a very close friend/roommate. I'm definitely a "fixer" type personality, and they just wanted to complain about their job. I pushed real hard for them to make a positive change.
Long story short, I lost a roommate AND a longtime friend as a result. So I know it sucks, and can be frustrating, especially when you truly have their best interests at heart. But you gotta respect their decision, if they aren't ready to make a change yet.
Long story short, I lost a roommate AND a longtime friend as a result. So I know it sucks, and can be frustrating, especially when you truly have their best interests at heart. But you gotta respect their decision, if they aren't ready to make a change yet.
Yeah you just gotta listen.
The worst though, is when it's your turn to vent about your issues and your partner goes into full problem-solving-fixer mode.
The worst though, is when it's your turn to vent about your issues and your partner goes into full problem-solving-fixer mode.
My wife was in a similar position. She liked her job and co-workers, but her boss was making her hate it. She ended up losing her job due to COVID, so it forced her out of her comfort zone and she doesn't have much of a choice. As others have said, she probably just wants to rant. Some people don't want to feel forced, so just support her when she brings it up, but don't be pushy about it.
OP
OP
Yeah, fair. I started trying to help her when the conversations consistently start to go from "My job is annoying and frustrating." to "I want a new job and I feel like I need to do it soon." But from now on, I'll just listen and offer help if she wants it. She definitely knows I'll give her her advice on this topic lol.
I've been in a similar situation to your gf, where my boyfriend was being too helpful or just generally taking away a lot of my agency in breaking into a new career at my own pace that bothered me. It got to a point where he would act like he knew more about my job situation or the market than I did. In the end he for sure helped me a lot, but you can't be overbearing because taking that first step is really difficult and stressful.
tldr: It might be a combination of your over helping or giving too many opinions about things shes already aware of.
She could also be being completely unreasonable, but thought I'd share my experience in the odd case theres things missing from your story.
tldr: It might be a combination of your over helping or giving too many opinions about things shes already aware of.
She could also be being completely unreasonable, but thought I'd share my experience in the odd case theres things missing from your story.
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People don't always want someone to try and solve their problems for them, sometimes it helps just to talk things out and have somebody on your side.
You goofed.
You goofed.
She just wants to vent. Offering solutions won't help. No offense, but she sounds like a couple of people in my life: people who vent, vent, vent, but never take any concrete steps to better themselves.
I'm extremely proud of my wife. There was a period of time where she vented and moped around, but she eventually put herself out there, put in the work, and allowed herself to flourish--which was especially hard for her as someone who didn't have much in the way of English skills prior to us moving to the US (we're from Puerto Rico).
I'm extremely proud of my wife. There was a period of time where she vented and moped around, but she eventually put herself out there, put in the work, and allowed herself to flourish--which was especially hard for her as someone who didn't have much in the way of English skills prior to us moving to the US (we're from Puerto Rico).
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Lol this is like double whammy, get pissed at the job then get pissed at the SO
Same, it's just negative reinforcement after so many times and it's extremely inconsiderate to the listener.
"Just listening" with no actual attempt to solve just feels like a total abdication of responsibility in a relationship to me. I mean I get it, I hear it all the time, this "she just wants to be listened to" but how can someone hear about challenges in the life of someone they love and just say "aw yeah that really does suck." We preach taking Action when it comes to the issues in the world, the challenges the unnamed masses face, but when faced with the challenges of a loved one we're supposed to do nothing? Fuck!
Improperly applying "a man's solution" to an issue when a woman would face different challenges, as noted in earlier posts, I get, sure. But that sounds more like an issue with the kind of advice being proffered, not the very concept of trying to solve the problem. I could understand an argument about "time and place," maybe you listen first, then try to solve later, but I can't get on board with the idea of just letting the problem exist and not trying to solve it at all.
Improperly applying "a man's solution" to an issue when a woman would face different challenges, as noted in earlier posts, I get, sure. But that sounds more like an issue with the kind of advice being proffered, not the very concept of trying to solve the problem. I could understand an argument about "time and place," maybe you listen first, then try to solve later, but I can't get on board with the idea of just letting the problem exist and not trying to solve it at all.
Interesting to see that it's not just my wife who says this.
I still find it difficult but once I realised that the "fix" is just needing to listen it made it a lot easier to do.
One of the most frustrating things for me is having my wife say "I don't know what to do..." or "How can I fix this?", and realize that she isn't actually asking for a solution. You just have to bite your tongue and be supportive.
My wife on the other hand, has learned over the years not to say something like "Can you unload the dishwasher?" Now, she always starts with "I need your help..." which for some reason in my brain cancels out the fact I'm being nagged to do a chore into me being a helpful partner.
My wife on the other hand, has learned over the years not to say something like "Can you unload the dishwasher?" Now, she always starts with "I need your help..." which for some reason in my brain cancels out the fact I'm being nagged to do a chore into me being a helpful partner.
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You shouldn't be pushing her into something she's uncomfortable with.
If she's unhappy let her figure it out. You will only make matters worse by trying to force her into a situation she doesn't want to be in i.e. finding a new job or risking her job security for a chance to be happier during a 40 hour work week. There's no guarantees her new job is better long term. How do you think she'll feel when she gets a new job that you encouraged her to do and it turns out to be worse?
If she's unhappy let her figure it out. You will only make matters worse by trying to force her into a situation she doesn't want to be in i.e. finding a new job or risking her job security for a chance to be happier during a 40 hour work week. There's no guarantees her new job is better long term. How do you think she'll feel when she gets a new job that you encouraged her to do and it turns out to be worse?
I agree with this, and it's something I've had to apply to my life, as I've been on both sides.
As a partner who wants to be caring and receptive, sometimes it's important to just let your partner vent and work out their feelings in the presence of someone whom they trust with their feelings.
But, as a caring partner, you also want to make sure you're not using your partner as a soundboard for all of your negative thoughts and feelings. Because that shit takes a toll after a while. It really can.
Ultimately, communication is key. OP, if you have no issue with her venting, then just let her do that. She's communicating to you that venting is really all she wants to do. But, I'd also explore where your need to "fix this" is coming from, and whether or not this is having some sort of effect on you. It's a delicate balance because you certainly don't want to take her work situation and make it about you, but if it were me at a certain I would communicate and acknowledge, "it makes me unhappy to see you so unhappy." But I'm one of those people who thrives in relationships where we mutually push each other, but that's not everyone.
Can't find a clip but looks like you should have watched some Parks and Rec
Code:
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3442160/characters/nm0000507
Ron Swanson : You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher: trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are!
Tom Haverford : Hey man, if Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself. What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words.
Donna Meagle : That sucks.
Chris Traeger : That sucks?
Tom Haverford : I've spent my entire life reading instructional books about relationships in order to trick women into liking me. When Ann tells you what's bothering her, don't try to fix it. Just say, "Damn, that sucks."
Your examples of things we preach taking action for require that level of push to actually solve the problem. People complaining about their job and talking about leaving is, in a lot of cases, not a serious issue that needs solving. This is also not a problem with a clear cut solution. There is zero guarantee your next job won't have petty politics or annoying co-workers and have no way of finding out those things prior to committing to a new job.
Hell, I worked at a College where we got a total of 7 weeks off with vacation, school breaks and floating PTO. Full benefits, pension and free tuition for your kids. No one had to work late or on weekends. The workload and pace was glacial at best. There were still people who complained about how busy they were, how bad the benefits were and that they were underpaid. None of that was true. Some people just don't like working. You can't solve that.
It's fair enough that she wants you to just listen to her vent, but she should also understand that it can be very frustrating to hear somebody complain about the same thing over and over when they don't seem willing to do anything about it. There really are two sides to this, and no one is more right than the other.
As well she should, this is not OK of you. She's an adult that can make her own life choices; stop treating her like a kid.
As for "what to do": support her in her decisions. If you feel the need to state your opinion unprompted, do it only once, don't keep nagging. In short, a modicum of respect and empathy.
Sorry to be harsh but that's all there is to it, really.
This. Exactly. I'll let my wife vent about a problem but once we're on repeat about an issue and it's clearly a problem we're either going to deal with it or accept it. She's the same way with me.
Be careful about "trying to help." When a lot of people complain about work they don't want advice on how to handle it even if you think your advice will make it better, they just want to vent to someone close who will listen and hear them. Similar with family.
Took me a while to figure that out in my own life.
Took me a while to figure that out in my own life.
The getting pissed off for not taking advice that was never asked for to begin with makes it so much worse. My partner does this. I've had to tell him so many times I just want to vent. Drives me up the wall.
OP, just let her vent and listen to her. She has more than likely already thought of the advice you're giving her anyways.
Most days you should just offer a supportive ear, but every fourth or fifth complaint session about the same thing you should encourage her to and take proactive steps to fixing the issues. Don't try to fix things for her, encourage her to fix things herself. Most people do want his or her significant other to gently push them outside of their comfort zones, but finding that balance between encouragement and support is difficult and is different for every individual.
I admit I've done this with my wife, the issue is she will repeatedly vent about the same shit nonstop so it gets tiring. my wife has a ton of anxiety issues and I want her to get help, but mentioning it just gets her anxiety up more. The biggest issue is that she has lost the very fee friends she has and we have a mutual friend that really wants to hang out with her with a son around our 2 year olds age and I feel I have to nag her to try and just message her to hang out, and its exhausting. I've let her do her own thing which results in her doing nothing and its just exhausting on my end and im sure on hers. I really wish she would go to therapy to work over her anxiety. Point being i didn't try to "push" her to get a new job or transfer until it was months to a year of the same complain.
Damn, first post ERA on point.
Honestly, OP, when people complain it's very rare they actually want actionable advice.
You can feel when they do, and it's rare and different. Generally, people just want to vent about the shit that stressed them out.
The key words here are "professional life" in the way you're approaching this situation.
Definitely consider more listening, and if she reaches out to you for advice and actively seeking it, then it could be helpful to provide that response to them.
She is probably looking for empathy rather than sympathy right now, and it's important to help her feel you are empathizing with her problems rather than the latter.
OP
OP
I should mention that she specifically said she wants to change industries to the one I work in, so that's the context. So I'm kind of a "networking connection" that can help. I wouldn't be doing that stuff if she was interested in jobs that I didn't have a good sense of what it takes to get.
Nothing wrong with what you are doing, at all. However I would try and give a listening ear and then offer gentle persuasive advice down the line,but it's a fine line between venting and taking out resentment on you. Seen and had that done to me in the past, likely the issue will reach that conclusion if a listening ear becomes the default.
The world is in a raging pandemic right now, could be that which is powering her anger for now. Give it a number of months to a year and if they are in the same situation I do think it would be time to help them more actively. In the meantime focus in yourself and achieve the success you can, might even spur her on to ask you for the help and advice.