My friend needs my help

[Dusktildawn48]

Both of those posts make me think OP and his buddy think any interaction with a woman is a dating interaction.

Click to shrink...

Hey bud, I'm married, I have no interest in girls other than my wife. I'm just not very good at wording things.

OT Someone mentioned trying to find a girl with the same condition, I wonder if there's any sites that are dedicated to just this.

 

[scare_crow]

Hey bud, I'm married, I have no interest in girls other than my wife. I'm just not very good at wording things.

OT Someone mentioned trying to find a girl with the same condition, I wonder if there's any sites that are dedicated to just this.

Click to shrink...

Hey pal, still kind of sounds like the women at work are just acting like normal colleagues/coworkers/friends and you and your bud are interpreting it as something much different. All the best.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

Shit man, sounds word for word just like me, except 4 years older.
He's so much closer to wizardhood than I am.

I DO want to know what you mean by the girls at work taking advantage of him though.
Are they just taking advantage of his nature to get him to do stuff for them? That's pretty low if so.


This is unlikely. For most people on the spectrum introducing new people into their life, including potential dating partners, requires active effort on the aspies part, and it can be very exhausting and very difficult.

I would kill for a friend like OP.

Click to shrink...

I honestly can't think of any off hand moments, I'm just dumb like that, but if a girl asked him to do anything he'd do it. And then later I'd hear them making fun of him. One girl even called him an R word and he heard it and there was an altercation about it. I wasn't there though so I don't know anything more about it.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

I honestly can't think of any off hand moments, I'm just dumb like that, but if a girl asked him to do anything he'd do it. And then later I'd hear them making fun of him. One girl even called him an R word and he heard it and there was an altercation about it. I wasn't there though so I don't know anything more about it.

Click to shrink...

Holy shit that's completely fucked up.
Makes me wonder if people call me names behind my back...
Most people I know are nice, usually.

I must ask, how does he present? Are his speaking patterns bad? Body language? Fashion?

 

[monketron]

The way you describe him and write about him/his situation makes me terrified. So many red flags.

Click to shrink...

Maybe some understanding about autism and how it can affect people's lives are in order.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

Holy shit that's completely fucked up.
Makes me wonder if people call me names behind my back...
Most people I know are nice, usually.

I must ask, how does he present? Are his speaking patterns bad? Body language? Fashion?

Click to shrink...

When out in public he generally acts overly happy. He dances around (literally) but it's all harmless.

But when he's at my house he acts alot more "normal." We have our talks and it's pretty crazy the amount of stuff stored on his mind. Like he can name all sorts of actors and actresses that have played like 1 role and 99.99% of movie lovers couldn't. It's pretty crazy.

I'll have to take notice of how he dresses, it's really not something I'd ever notice unless he was wearing like holey clothes or smelt bad. Which never are true of him.

Edit: mod if you see this plz move the thread to general.

 

[Edify]

What does 'Women at work take advantage of him ' even mean? Sounds like the making of an incel.

Click to shrink...

If anything, the guy might just need a new job (which can be difficult in itself if you're on the autistic spectrum). At worst, dude's the wrong guy in the wrong place, dunno where you're getting incel from.

Its hard to say what OP could/should do with the information given. I worked with people on the autistic spectrum for over five years, some of them wanted that sense of companionship and just needed a push in the right direction. I also knew people who spoke often about wanting a romantic relationship, but when it came down to it they weren't willing/able to do the emotional labour required to make that relationship good for both of them. They didn't fully know what goes into a relationship before hand and weren't able to react appropriately when they were in one. That goes for a lot of people not on the spectrum when you think about it.

Another pertinent issue is that people with autism can be in really shitty relationships and not realise it, because to them, being in a relationship was the goal in the first place.

I'd just like to clarify that I also understand many people on the autistic spectrum are capable of having healthy romantic relationships, I was just talking about a few of the more problematic issues. Funnily enough, out of all the autistic men I supported, not one expressed any serious misogynistic sentiments or blamed women and their behaviour for their inability to get a girlfriend.

 

[inspectah]

I can tell you right now from being there at a much younger age getting into a relationship is not going to fix that problem. It's going to take an entire mindset shift and that shift will actually be hampered by getting into a relationship just for the sake of it.

Click to shrink...

This is so true!
It will give you a short high, but if you are not happy with your life, a relationship won't fix it in the long run.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

When out in public he generally acts overly happy. He dances around (literally) but it's all harmless.

But when he's at my house he acts alot more "normal." We have our talks and it's pretty crazy the amount of stuff stored on his mind. Like he can name all sorts of actors and actresses that have played like 1 role and 99.99% of movie lovers couldn't. It's pretty crazy.

I'll have to take notice of how he dresses, it's really not something I'd ever notice unless he was wearing like holey clothes or smelt bad. Which never are true of him.

Edit: mod if you see this plz move the thread to general.

Click to shrink...

It may be harmless to you, but it can invite negative attention from nasty people, like those girls.
I usually put in effort to suppress such odd desires when out of the house. There is a name for this (Stimming) and a lot of people on the spectrum often exhibit these behaviors.
I do have issues of my own though, most of mine are tied to my asocial nature and quietness.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

This is so true!
It will give you a short high, but if you are not happy with your life, a relationship won't fix it in the long run.

Click to shrink...

I'm not really sure how he views himself. I wouldn't even know how to ask. All I know is how I see him, an insanely nice person who's willing to do whatever to make other people happy. And he really deserves it back.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

This is so true!
It will give you a short high, but if you are not happy with your life, a relationship won't fix it in the long run.

Click to shrink...

Studies have shown that being in a relationship usually has a huge positive effect for those on the spectrum.
And often a negative effect on the neurotypical one :\

 

[Dusktildawn48]

It may be harmless to you, but it can invite negative attention from nasty people, like those girls.
I usually put in effort to suppress such odd desires when out of the house. There is a name for this (Stimming) and a lot of people on the spectrum often exhibit these behaviors.
I do have issues of my own though, most of mine are tied to my asocial nature and quietness.

Click to shrink...

Oh trust me I know, I've heard people making fun of him that didn't know how close to him I am.

It's crazy because ive never heard of him being mean to anyone. People can be cruel. Full disclosure though we deliver pizza so we are around a lot of teenagers.

 

[Tribal_Cult]

A lot of bitter people here accusing both the OP and his friend. As always stay classy Era, for once that there's some wholesome content.
Not every virgin with Aspie is on the verge of turning into an incel, Jesus.
Anyway, I think the best solution is to make a profile for him on a dating site, and stress in the description that he has Asperger's. Better put it on front imho, if it's showing a lot. If not, whatever, but from how you talk I think it would be easy to notice. He probably won't get many matches but with the ones he gets it would be half the job done.
Second, trying and get in contact with other girls with similar syndromes could also be smart. Maybe some new friendships would actually be enough for him to be less miserable.
To the ones saying a person won't make him happy, come on. He's 27 and a virgin. It would help a lot anyway. Also having Asperger's it's not like "not being good with women". It's clear he could need some help on that front.
I have a few friends who are almost 30 year old virgins and don't have any problem, yet they can't find a girl but that's because they're either bitter or simply not interesting enough. The OP's friend, poor guy, has an actual condition that makes it much harder for him to have social interactions.

Best of luck and if you manage to hook him up you're a real fucking bro.

Oh and your coworkers are a bunch of assholes.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

Oh trust me I know, I've heard people making fun of him that didn't know how close to him I am.

It's crazy because ive never heard of him being mean to anyone. People can be cruel. Full disclosure though we deliver pizza so we are around a lot of teenagers.

Click to shrink...

Oh, no wonder.
Teens are complete assholes.

 

[Deleted member 4090]

It can take a full-court press attempt to fix somebody's dating life if they're coming from zero. He needs to get in therapy, possibly move jobs or location to one with better demographics in how favor, and also get on apps and start the long process of learning how to date.

Loneliness doesn't mean that he needs a relationship, either. Does he live a full life of hobbies, interests, and activities?

I disagree that he needs to be upfront about his condition. Asperger's isn't really recognized as a distinct thing anymore. A whole lot of highly functioning people are at least slightly on the spectrum.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

A lot of bitter people here accusing both the OP and his friend. As always stay classy Era, for once that there's some wholesome content.
Not every virgin with Aspie is on the verge of turning into an incel, Jesus.
Anyway, I think the best solution is to make a profile for him on a dating site, and stress in the description that he has Asperger's. Better put it on front imho, if it's showing a lot. If not, whatever, but from how you talk I think it would be easy to notice. He probably won't get many matches but with the ones he gets it would be half the job done.
Second, trying and get in contact with other girls with similar syndromes could also be smart. Maybe some new friendships would actually be enough for him to be less miserable.
To the ones saying a person won't make him happy, come on. He's 27 and a virgin. It would help a lot anyway. Also having Asperger's it's not like "not being good with women". It's clear he could need some help on that front.
I have a few friends who are almost 30 year old virgins and don't have any problem, yet they can't find a girl but that's because they're either bitter or simply not interesting enough. The OP's friend, poor guy, has an actual condition that makes it much harder for him to have social interactions.

Best of luck and if you manage to hook him up you're a real fucking bro.

Oh and your coworkers are a bunch of assholes.

Click to shrink...

This is what I was looking for, thanks for the advice. I just don't know much about the condition so I didn't know how to go about it. But I definitely agree he needs to upfront about his condition. I do think he's capable of being happy and making a woman happy.

 

[The Boat]

poor dude, does he go to a spiritual community, maybe that will help (not to find girlfriend, but find more guidance and comfort)

Click to shrink...

This is a recipe for getting roped into cults.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

It can take a full-court press attempt to fix somebody's dating life if they're coming from zero. He needs to get in therapy, possibly move jobs or location to one with better demographics in how favor, and also get on apps and start the long process of learning how to date.

Loneliness doesn't mean that he needs a relationship, either. Does he live a full life of hobbies, interests, and activities?

Click to shrink...

Oh yeah he's all about movies. He games but only on the switch. I've been widening his horizon with the last of us though. Lol. He's super into it.

Not that it's really relevant, but he's great with my 2 year old girl. She's gets so excited when he comes over.

 

[Sub Boss]

This is a recipe for getting roped into cults.

Click to shrink...

If its a good one it can save lives, but one needs to be careful, when one feels lonely and scared, he/she often thinks a partner will make him/her feel full, but there may be other answers.

 

[Deleted member 54292]

Question since he wants a girlfriend because he is lonely, does he have a group of platonic friends besides you? That would be a good place to start building stronger relationships. You don't want him to unload all those needs and desires into a single individual because loneliness isn't necessarily solved by dating someone, it is solved by reconnecting you to the world in meaningful ways. Sure, a relationship could open those avenues, but I don't think that is ideally what should be sought after here.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

Question since he wants a girlfriend because he is lonely, does he have a group of platonic friends besides you? That would be a good place to start building stronger relationships. You don't want him to unload all those needs and desires into a single individual because loneliness isn't necessarily solved by dating someone, it is solved by reconnecting you to the world in meaningful ways. Sure, a relationship could open those avenues, but I don't think that is ideally what should be sought after here.

Click to shrink...

Kind of, he was/is friends with one of my oldest friends, but this friend recently moved to another state.

 

[Slipknot666]

Stay away from dating apps.

He will feel worse when he receives 10 matches and all of them are bots asking to join a cam site.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

Stay away from dating apps.

He will feel worse when he receives 10 matches and all of them are bots asking to join a cam site.

Click to shrink...

Noted, thanks. What about sites, like eHarmony or something?

 

[Deleted member 4090]

Stay away from dating apps.

He will feel worse when he receives 10 matches and all of them are bots asking to join a cam site.

Click to shrink...

That has literally never happened to me on Coffee Meets Bagel, out of a few hundred matches.

 

[Slipknot666]

That has literally never happened to me on Coffee Meets Bagel, out of a few hundred matches.

Click to shrink...

It happens to me almost everyday on Tinder and Plenty Of Fish. I'm done with that garbage.

 

[I Don't Like]

Finding a potential date/partner is much easier when you have friends and it sounds like he doesn't have any except you. Realistically not many women are going to be interested in dating a dude who has no friends so I'm not sure online dating is where to start. He needs to meet people and make friends and put himself in social situations with those friends where he can potentially meet someone and talk to them and maybe ask them out; being around friends takes a lot of pressure off.

Also, does he take care of himself? Does he have any hobbies? If he wears Dragon Ball t-shirts and sits around playing games and nothing else, he's going to make it very difficult for himself.

There's a shitload of work to do here on his part. The notion that you're just going to go out and find him a gf is not realistic.

 

[Deleted member 4090]

It happens to me almost everyday on Tinder and Plenty Of Fish. I'm done with that garbage.

Click to shrink...

Plenty of Fish is hilariously awful. Awful design, loads of bots, multiple data breaches, and the only time I've met somebody that actually kind of scared me.

 

[Edify]

If he wears Dragon Ball t-shirts and sits around playing games and nothing else, he's going to make it very difficult for himself.

Click to shrink...

Hey man, now come on, that worked out for some of us 😁

 

[Dusktildawn48]

Finding a potential date/partner is much easier when you have friends and it sounds like he doesn't have any except you. Realistically not many women are going to be interested in dating a dude who has no friends so I'm not sure online dating is where to start. He needs to meet people and make friends and put himself in social situations with those friends where he can potentially meet someone and talk to them and maybe ask them out; being around friends takes a lot of pressure off.

Also, does he take care of himself? Does he have any hobbies? If he wears Dragon Ball t-shirts and sits around playing games and nothing else, he's going to make it very difficult for himself.

There's a shitload of work to do here on his part. The notion that you're just going to go out and find him a gf is not realistic.

Click to shrink...

He does take care of himself, showers, shaves, etc. He games but not a lot at all. In fact I think he broke his switch a few weeks ago and hasn't even attempted to fix it or get a new one.

I think if I could find him a similar girl who's into movies they could hit it off.

And he's very open minded about getting out and doing stuff.

 

[Deleted member 48434]

He does take care of himself, showers, shaves, etc. He games but not a lot at all. In fact I think he broke his switch a few weeks ago and hasn't even attempted to fix it or get a new one.

I think if I could find him a similar girl who's into movies they could hit it off.

And he's very open minded about getting out and doing stuff.

Click to shrink...

I'm gonna be honest, you aren't doing a very good job at giving us a good idea of what your friend is like.
All I can gleam is clean eccentric guy with Aspergers who sometimes plays games and is very nice.
Eccentric can mean numerous things, and Aspergers doesn't define ones personality. You gotta elaborate more.

 

[Dusktildawn48]

I'm gonna be honest, you aren't doing a very good job at giving us a good idea of what your friend is like.
All I can gleam is clean eccentric guy with Aspergers who sometimes plays games and is very nice.
Eccentric can mean numerous things, and Aspergers doesn't define ones personality. You gotta elaborate more.

Click to shrink...

I'm not a writer dude, I don't know how to perfectly explain someone's life.

 

[Fulminator]

Does he like dogs/can he get a dog?

Not kidding, dogs are a great way to invite social interaction with people. Lots of people love to pet a good dog and your friend can practice small talk with people who want to interact with his dog, or with other dog owners.

I've heard about a lot of people who have met their partner by going to the dog park or interacting with other dog owners in the park or something.

its a legitimate way to open some new social avenues tbh

 

[Deleted member 54292]

Kind of, he was/is friends with one of my oldest friends, but this friend recently moved to another state.

Click to shrink...

imo, just building more platonic friendships and relationships is a good starting point. It ain't easy, I know, but if he is genuinely lonely and doesn't want to be anymore, his actions need to change towards connections.

 

[Lord Fagan]

Real talk, OP: What does his therapist think about his loneliness?

If he doesn't want to get into it because of his privacy, cool. But if he's not seeing a therapist at all, I'm pretty sure THAT is where he needs to be getting his interpersonal relationship advice, yunno?

 

[Cokie Bear]

There are online dating sites specifically for people with Asperger syndrome and learning difficulties in general.

 

[andymcc]

"That person looks lonely I might get that person to buy me things in exchange for love, or get in a relationship where I will have power"

Click to shrink...

no offense, but that sort of mindset is probably preemptively damaging any potential relationship you may have.

 

[Deleted member 21709]

I'm not really sure how he views himself. I wouldn't even know how to ask. All I know is how I see him, an insanely nice person who's willing to do whatever to make other people happy. And he really deserves it back.

Click to shrink...

Would you say he is too nice?

 

[Dusktildawn48]

Would you say he is too nice?

Click to shrink...

Honestly 100% yes, He's not very good at standing up for himself. Even if he's 100% in the right he'd be the 1st to apologise.

 

[Water]

Honestly the way you have descried you friend very clearly paints why he hasn't and might never have a girlfriend. You can't help him, only he can help himself.

 

[TaySan]

So ive been thinking about making this thread for while now, keep in mind im not very good at making threads.

So my 27 year old friend has never had a girlfriend, and he's always telling me how lonely he his. He has aspergers so hes a little eccentric. Hes very hyper but a great dude, very giving and just an all around nice guy. I wanna help him find a girlfriend but im not sure how. I dont know anyone I could set him up with. Does anyone have any advice, i was thinking online dating for him but i dont know how to go about it. Are there any specific sites/apps i should use? He needs my help. He talks to girls we work with, but they all just take advantage of him.

edit: of course i put this in the wrong place, fml.

Click to shrink...

Your friend is exactly me. Lol same age and everything. Be there for him and encourage him to put himself in more social situations.

 

[jb1234]

Honestly 100% yes, He's not very good at standing up for himself. Even if he's 100% in the right he'd be the 1st to apologise.

Click to shrink...

Those of us on the spectrum don't tend to handle conflict very well.

 

[Lashes.541]

I also have aspergers, this sounds like something he needs to do himself. I myself have been single for the last ten years, and after my marriage fell apart lost contact with all my friends. I'm going the online dating route with plenty of fish, and it's sort of working? I have made a couple friends thanks to that. Don't know if I will ever meet anyone on there that is more than just friends, if you think you're friend is easy to take advantage of keep him away from plenty of fish lol. I get hit up non stop by catfishes and bots telling me to text them.

 

[FFNB]

Why do you say that? The only person I have in my life is my partner and I am not lonely. I used to be. Sometimes that's all it takes for someone.

Click to shrink...

from my experience, it's best to make sure that your happiness comes from within, and any happiness you experience from your SO is a supplement/complement to that happiness, not the sole source of that happiness.

love yourself first and foremost, because when you do, that happiness radiates out to others and draws them to you. But it also means that if/when that person exits your life for whatever reason, you're still able to draw on that love and fulfillment you get from yourself to move forward. Source: my fourteen year relationship with my now ex-wife that ended a little over a year ago.

it wasn't easy, but learning to love myself and find my self esteem, confidence, and sense of self worth that wasn't dependent on another person's perception of my value really helped the healing process from my divorce.