My friend is in a domestic violence situation.

[Jombie]

I have a close friend that is recently divorced from a man, and is now in a relationship with a woman. This is her first same-sex relationship, and she seemed to be happy for while. Then she started telling me bits and pieces, and I began to warn her that this sounded like another toxic, shitty relationship and that she was just doing this to herself. Yesterday, she told me her throat hurt and I ask why -- her girlfriend grabbed her by the throat and they had a physical altercation -- she proceeded to laugh about it.

I was fucking horrified. I know that for her, all of this shit is a form of self harm. For all of her bloviating about toxic relationships, I think she's attracted to them, and I've tried to tell her that one day all of it's going to blow up in her face and result in more than a broken heart.

I'm at a loss, and don't know what to do. I'm tired of trying to help guide her, but I'd feel complicit if I simply washed my hands of it.

 

[Prax]

She needs therapy.

It is hard for some people to seek advice in their relationship, especially if they are using it as a way to deny/disguise their unhappiness with themselves (someone else to blame or use as a proxy for self-harm).

I think the best you can do is remind her that you are around to help her if she needs support or someone to talk to. It takes a while for people to recognize and accept the patterns they are living, and even a while still to actually find the motivation to change.

 

[ShyMel]

It is not that she is attracted to abusive relationships but that they possibly seem normal to her and/or fear and shame, among other factors could be preventing her from leaving.

Why People Stay

Why people stay in an abusive relationship: Survivors may feel staying is safer than leaving these extremely complex situations.

www.thehotline.org

Ways to Support

There are many ways to support domestic violence survivors. While your instinct may be to “save them," abuse isn't that simple.

www.thehotline.org

 

[Arrogant PsycHOPathy]

Started my career in victim advocacy.

if it's something she wants to get away from only she can make that determination. But I'd definitely make sure she's aware about the different protection orders and where to get the paperwork to file. For example in our area there are two kinds: anti-stalking protection order and civil protection order. Civil is reserved for any domestic situation and anti stalking is for everything else. Civil is far easier to obtain from a magistrate as anti-stalking requires establishing a pattern of conduct.

But only she can get to that place in her head and make that decision. Domestic Violence and substance abuse are the two areas I professionally hate dealing with because it's that almost never ending yet repeating cycle.

 

[Jombie]

Started my career in victim advocacy.

if it's something she wants to get away from only she can make that determination. But I'd definitely make sure she's aware about the different protection orders and where to get the paperwork to file. For example in our area there are two kinds: anti-stalking protection order and civil protection order. Civil is reserved for any domestic situation and anti stalking is for everything else. Civil is far easier to obtain from a magistrate as anti-stalking requires establishing a pattern of conduct.

But only she can get to that place in her head and make that decision. Domestic Violence and substance abuse are the two areas I professionally hate dealing with because it's that almost never ending yet repeating cycle.

Click to shrink...

Her girlfriend also has a substance abuse problem. Thanks for the advice. She's a good person, and I love her to pieces. I worry about her all the time, and it's taken a toll on me.

 

[Arrogant PsycHOPathy]

Her girlfriend also has a substance abuse problem. Thanks for the advice. She's a good person, and I love her to pieces. I worry about her the time, and it's taken a toll on me.

Click to shrink...

while no doubt it's important to be a good supportive friend, don't forget about your own self care as well.

 

[EatChildren]

Yeah, echoing others here; ultimately she is the arbiter of her own destiny and must be the person to make that determination based on recognition of her situation. I'm a homelessness worker and naturally that means I've been trained on working with domestic violence victims and people in domestic violence situations, and the factors involved are regularly complex and, from an outsider looking in and wanting to help, immensely frustrating.

As a friend, the absolute best thing you can do is gentle support her to recognise your concern over specific factors of the relationship she has disclosed, why these things are concerning to you, what her rights are, and what she should expect from a normalised relationship. An awareness of normality and the services available support a person are important, but you can't make her see or think these things unfortunately, which is part of the damage domestic violence victims deal with. Substance abuse makes it all the worse. But you can support her as needed and in your capacity to help.

And that last part is very, very important. I know it's hard, but you must also recognise as much as you love and care for this person your own wellbeing and health is paramount. Please do not overexert yourself in ways that will be detrimental to your own mental health and safety. I know it's shit, but you also have to be prepared to know where your own lines are, and ensure you are okay too. Including seeking support if you need it, as wrestling with a friend trapped in a difficult situation can be very taxing.

 

[Jombie]

Yeah, echoing others here; ultimately she is the arbiter of her own destiny and must be the person to make that determination based on recognition of her situation. I'm a homelessness worker and naturally that means I've been trained on working with domestic violence victims and people in domestic violence situations, and the factors involved are regularly complex and, from an outsider looking in and wanting to help, immensely frustrating.

As a friend, the absolute best thing you can do is gentle support her to recognise your concern over specific factors of the relationship she has disclosed, why these things are concerning to you, what her rights are, and what she should expect from a normalised relationship. An awareness of normality and the services available support a person are important, but you can't make her see or think these things unfortunately, which is part of the damage domestic violence victims deal with. Substance abuse makes it all the worse. But you can support her as needed and in your capacity to help.

And that last part is very, very important. I know it's hard, but you must also recognise as much as you love and care for this person your own wellbeing and health is paramount. Please do not overexert yourself in ways that will be detrimental to your own mental health and safety. I know it's shit, but you also have to be prepared to know where your own lines are, and ensure you are okay too. Including seeking support if you need it, as wrestling with a friend trapped in a difficult situation can be very taxing.

Click to shrink...

Because of my own problems with chroniclly severe depression, I had taken a step back. I'm one of the few friends that she has that doesn't just enable her, and I have a feeling she keeps things from me because she knows how I'll react. But yeah, I think she's conditioned to think that behavior like that is acceptable. I also think there's a double standard at play, that because a girl hit her it was different. She constantly makes excuses, and it's text book victim speak. She's being gaslit and manipulated, but I know there's nothing I can do. And I've cried myself to sleep nights with that knowledge, while trying to keep myself afloat.

This has already been the hardest year of my life. I had a mental break around this time last year, and most of the threads I've started here involve me talking about suicide. It's been incredibly hard to juggle.

 

[entremet]

Sounds like she has deeper issues if she's jumping to toxic relationships to toxic relationship. Just telling her to stop is not going work.

She needs therapy.

It is hard for some people to seek advice in their relationship, especially if they are using it as a way to deny/disguise their unhappiness with themselves (someone else to blame or use as a proxy for self-harm).

I think the best you can do is remind her that you are around to help her if she needs support or someone to talk to. It takes a while for people to recognize and accept the patterns they are living, and even a while still to actually find the motivation to change.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, she may also have attachment issues. Pure logic is not going work here, OP. Humans have complex socio-emotional systems.

 

[julia crawford]

I have no advice other than what has been posted already, but i really hope she gets through it and finds a better and safer place for herself. Stay strong OP.