My father wants me to meet this girl...

[Kismet]

You're "doing fucking great." So either help your family or don't use them as an excuse to avoid merely unpleasant inconveniences.

Click to shrink...

I don't understand this.

How should I help my family, and why?

And in what way am I using/would be using them?

Some people don't understand. Me coming out to my father and then continuing my own "great life" would be very egoistic. I would leave lot of debris behind. I don't want that.

 

[Andrew-Ryan]

Your mum sounds super nice. Sounds like she didn't mind you being gay and she kept your secret from your dad/her husband.

 

[Star-Lord]

So did your mom take it well when you told her? I'm asking because she seems good now and keeping it from your dad for awhile

 

[Kismet]

My mom said she was disappointed at first. She cried, but it was more because of self pitty. She's devout as well, but more understanding. She had always hoped of me finding the right woman and having kids -aka leading the traditional life. But those were here expectations and she understands I have mine. She's just glad I'm healthy and happy. That's what counts the most. She's a very lovely person.

And my parents are still happily married. They're constantly together, now that all kids have moved out.

 

[Deleted member 3815]

I would say I'm interested in a girl who is living far away and I'm regularly talking to her online. I will try to make it work with that girl and am not interested in others at the moment.

I'm a son of a Muslim family too and I understand op to 100%
My parents wouldn't let me date a non Muslim girl and after they found out I did it behind their back all hell broke loose.
And that was just for dating a German girl...if I where gay and they'd found out my father would freak out...he would throw me out and never talk to me again and wouldn't allow my mother/sisters to have contact to me.

I'm sorry op you going through this with your family.

Click to shrink...

Oof, I know your pain. I have a cousin who has been disowned by his parent because he married a white woman and had a kid.

He's a devout muslim and a racist homophobe...

- I am gay
- my boyfriend is dark
- I love pork
- I am atheist

He will get a heart attack if I tell him EVERYTHING lol

Click to shrink...

I love that you somehow managed to tick every box that would be his worse nightmare.

You keep living your "haram" lifestyle. ;P

 

[Kismet]

I am definitely haram :P

But the ironic part is that I have actually read and finished the Quran. Most muslims I know don't even read the book. They just follow blindly. And are often the biggest hypocrites.

I mean, I'm not allowed to eat pork, but you're allowd to get drunk?
I'm not allowed to be gay, but you take it up your ass so you can remain a virgin? (some muslim girls I know do that. and most of the time the guy taking them is muslim as well)

Come on.

 

[papermoon]

I don't understand this.

How should I help my family, and why?

And in what way am I using/would be using them?

Some people don't understand. Me coming out to my father and then continuing my own "great life" would be very egoistic. I would leave lot of debris behind. I don't want that.

Click to shrink...

No one should be forced to come out for any reason.

But you're afraid/unwilling to even tell your father that you don't want to go on this date.

What would be the consequence if you declined to meet her? Is there a chance he'll be violent and abuse your other family members? Because a lot of replies in this thread are operating under the presumption that there's a risk of violence. If that's not the case, then clarify, otherwise your deep-seated, primal fear of disappointing your father is being excessively coddled here.

If telling your dad that you don't want to meet this woman will lead to him being angry - but not violent nor abusive - then you have no excuse to involve this woman into this situation. Respect yourself, your boyfriend, and this woman, and decline to go out with her.

As for how and why you would help your family: if there's a risk of violence in the home, you help remove them from the vicinity of the violent actor. Why should be obvious.

If just the thought of their living with an unhappy (but not abusive) father is overwhelming for you, then send them on a "vacation" to a nearby hotel or have them visit you for a while.

 

[Buddy]

I am definitely haram :P

But the ironic part is that I have actually read and finished the Quran. Most muslims I know don't even read the book. They just follow blindly. And are often the biggest hypocrites.

I mean, I'm not allowed to eat pork, but you're allowd to get drunk?
I'm not allowed to be gay, but you take it up your ass so you can remain a virgin? (some muslim girls I know do that. and most of the time the guy taking them is muslim as well)

Come on.

Click to shrink...

Word

Most Muslims are huge hypocrites. I get the stink eye at work from my Muslim coworkers for eating pork but they drink alcohol, gamble in casinos/sports betting, have sex with prostitutes, lie etc... but I'm the bad guy for eating pork and not going to the Friday prayer in the mosque.

 

[striderno9]

Be as honest as you possibly can be with everyone involved. As honest as possible.

 

[Leo]

You do realize you're gonna have to deal with this situation sooner or later, right?

It's better to face it now that the opportunity has arised, than to make your father go through years of frustration an anxiety never really knowing for sure only to be informed when he is much older and frail and can't really handle anything anymore, or never at all.

Also, that's none of my business, but it's not cool to make your boyfriend go through something like this. I wouldn't accept it.

 

[Gabbo]

I'm not allowed to be gay, but you take it up your ass so you can remain a virgin? (some muslim girls I know do that. and most of the time the guy taking them is muslim as well)

Come on.

Click to shrink...

I just wanted to say this part isn't strictly a Muslim thing, I knew girls in university who did the same thing and were Christians and Jews with varying degrees of religious leanings

Back on topic, if your father isn't going to get get abusive towards you or your family, decline the meeting with the woman. It's not fair to anyone to carry on some kind of charade for your dad to think youre actively willing to seek a wife (i'm not suggesting coming out to him).

Yes you'll have to deal with it again later as he gets more desperate, but it's likely better than having to deal with the fallout from telling him everything.

 

[Kismet]

My father got to know I'm not interested in the girl and I'm the one who's going to have a fit..

I called one of her brothers a few hours ago. My youngest brother provided me with the phone number.

So I called her brother up and introduced myself. He told me he heard about me and this whole situation with his sister. I told him I'm currently seeing someone, and that I don't want to waste anyone's time, especially not his sister's. The brother told me that his parents got in touch with my father and asked things about me. My father had told them I was single and that I was looking for a girl. That I would be interested.

I was in shock. Partly because my father still thinks I'm single, but mostly because my father was lying. I never told my father that I was looking for a girl!

The guy was a bit confused about this whole story and I didn't blame him. I apologized on behalf of my father. Apologized for the miscommunication and apologized for wasting his family's time. The brother told me that his sister was looking forward to meeting me. I said sorry again, that I'm taken and not looking for someone else. He understood.

He didn't even ask any questions about my partner. We did some smalltalk and he was thankful that I called.

Around 30 minutes later...

My mom calls me, seemingly mad, and asks me what I said to the brother? According to my father, the brother called my father and told him that I was very disrespectful on the phone. That I told him to leave me alone. I asked my mom to calm down and explained what happend; that my father was lying. I asked my mom if could talk to my father. But he didn't want to.

I called the brother again and asked him what kind of conversation he had with my father. He didn't say anything strange. I confronted him with my dad's story, he denied it. And I believe him.

My dad is the worst. Why would he lie about this? Why would he make this up? Is it frustration?

I'm livid right now. I told my mother that I don't want to see my father anytime soon and that I feel sorry for her. I'm still puzzled by his behaviour. But also somehow relieved this hook up is over.

 

[Lunar Wolf]

My father got to know I'm not interested in the girl and I'm the one who's going to have a fit..

I called one of her brothers a few hours ago. My youngest brother provided me with the phone number.

So I called her brother up and introduced myself. He told me he heard about me and this whole situation with his sister. I told him I'm currently seeing someone, and that I don't want to waste anyone's time, especially not his sister's. The brother told me that his parents got in touch with my father and asked things about me. My father had told them I was single and that I was looking for a girl. That I would be interested.

I was in shock. Partly because my father still thinks I'm single, but mostly because my father was lying. I never told my father that I was looking for a girl!

The guy was a bit confused about this whole story and I didn't blame him. I apologized on behalf of my father. Apologized for the miscommunication and apologized for wasting his family's time. The brother told me that his sister was looking forward to meeting me. I said sorry again, that I'm taken and not looking for someone else. He understood.

He didn't even ask any questions about my partner. We did some smalltalk and he was thankful that I called.

Around 30 minutes later...

My mom calls me, seemingly mad, and asks me what I said to the brother? According to my father, the brother called my father and told him that I was very disrespectful on the phone. That I told him to leave me alone. I asked my mom to calm down and explained what happend; that my father was lying. I asked my mom if could talk to my father. But he didn't want to.

I called the brother again and asked him what kind of conversation he had with my father. He didn't say anything strange. I confronted him with my dad's story, he denied it. And I believe him.

My dad is the worst. Why would he lie about this? Why would he make this up? Is it frustration?

I'm livid right now. I told my mother that I don't want to see my father anytime soon and that I feel sorry for her. I'm still puzzled by his behaviour. But also somehow relieved this hook up is over.

Click to shrink...

Are either of your brothers married and/or with kids?

 

[Messofanego]

My father got to know I'm not interested in the girl and I'm the one who's going to have a fit..

I called one of her brothers a few hours ago. My youngest brother provided me with the phone number.

So I called her brother up and introduced myself. He told me he heard about me and this whole situation with his sister. I told him I'm currently seeing someone, and that I don't want to waste anyone's time, especially not his sister's. The brother told me that his parents got in touch with my father and asked things about me. My father had told them I was single and that I was looking for a girl. That I would be interested.

I was in shock. Partly because my father still thinks I'm single, but mostly because my father was lying. I never told my father that I was looking for a girl!

The guy was a bit confused about this whole story and I didn't blame him. I apologized on behalf of my father. Apologized for the miscommunication and apologized for wasting his family's time. The brother told me that his sister was looking forward to meeting me. I said sorry again, that I'm taken and not looking for someone else. He understood.

He didn't even ask any questions about my partner. We did some smalltalk and he was thankful that I called.

Around 30 minutes later...

My mom calls me, seemingly mad, and asks me what I said to the brother? According to my father, the brother called my father and told him that I was very disrespectful on the phone. That I told him to leave me alone. I asked my mom to calm down and explained what happend; that my father was lying. I asked my mom if could talk to my father. But he didn't want to.

I called the brother again and asked him what kind of conversation he had with my father. He didn't say anything strange. I confronted him with my dad's story, he denied it. And I believe him.

My dad is the worst. Why would he lie about this? Why would he make this up? Is it frustration?

I'm livid right now. I told my mother that I don't want to see my father anytime soon and that I feel sorry for her. I'm still puzzled by his behaviour. But also somehow relieved this hook up is over.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, at least this is over. Hope things get resolved with your dad.

 

[psynergyadept]

at least it's over but your going to have to tell your pops sooner or later or as another situation like this is looming around the corner.

 

[ClickyCal']

I don't understand this.

How should I help my family, and why?

And in what way am I using/would be using them?

Some people don't understand. Me coming out to my father and then continuing my own "great life" would be very egoistic. I would leave lot of debris behind. I don't want that.

Click to shrink...

Wanting to be yourself and love someone is the opposite of being egotistical.

 

[Sai]

Um... Have some respect for other's cultures. The entire world does not work like America.

Click to shrink...

Why would anyone respect a culture that privileges homophobe fathers hating their sons.

Click to shrink...

Respect isn't a good word here. More like, acknowledge that the culture (unfortunately) exists.

 

[Spinluck]

I feel for you OP.

I have yet to come out of the closet about my lack of faith or religious beliefs.

When you value connections with people and a lot of the intimacy and the person's sense of self is rooted in something you do not believe. It can be tough to just say, "I do not buy into this but I still love you." In this case, I am guessing your dad wouldn't want to hear that you're gay?

If your dad loves you, he should be able to overlook that you're gay with a bf. But I do not know him so I can't speak beyond idealizations.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

Find a girl that's a lesbian from a devout family. Then you two have secret lives together.

 

[Jimrpg]

And in this topic people offering advice without really understanding muslims. I'm not Muslim, but I have lived in an Islamic country for 5 years now. People can be pretty conservative and won't change overnight, shit we just had two lesbians get whipped in public as punishment. Fuck right off with that shit.

Anyways I was going to suggest just going on the date and then telling the girl at the end that you're not interested. If you ever want to come out to your dad, do it some other time, but doing it when he's setup the date will probably just mean fireworks (he'll be embarrassed and confused that he didn't know). And I think you should consider telling him sometime in th future, people live on average much longer these days, do you really want to live 60-70 years in secret, thatd be painful man especially if you both love each other.

 

[Meelow]

I'm middle eastern myself, not Muslim but I know how it all works, my father is the same way.

It's not fair for you that you are keeping this secret, but I understand telling your dad that you are gay is going to cause a huge problem.

Also going on the date with the girl and making it terrible is a horrible idea, it's not fair for her.

You may have to lie and say you got a girlfriend in another country.

You will figure it out.

 

[Meelow]

He's a devout muslim and a racist homophobe...

- I am gay
- my boyfriend is dark
- I love pork
- I am atheist

He will get a heart attack if I tell him EVERYTHING lol

Click to shrink...

Oh my God lol.

 

[Gabbo]

My father got to know I'm not interested in the girl and I'm the one who's going to have a fit..

I called one of her brothers a few hours ago. My youngest brother provided me with the phone number.

So I called her brother up and introduced myself. He told me he heard about me and this whole situation with his sister. I told him I'm currently seeing someone, and that I don't want to waste anyone's time, especially not his sister's. The brother told me that his parents got in touch with my father and asked things about me. My father had told them I was single and that I was looking for a girl. That I would be interested.

I was in shock. Partly because my father still thinks I'm single, but mostly because my father was lying. I never told my father that I was looking for a girl!

The guy was a bit confused about this whole story and I didn't blame him. I apologized on behalf of my father. Apologized for the miscommunication and apologized for wasting his family's time. The brother told me that his sister was looking forward to meeting me. I said sorry again, that I'm taken and not looking for someone else. He understood.

He didn't even ask any questions about my partner. We did some smalltalk and he was thankful that I called.

Around 30 minutes later...

My mom calls me, seemingly mad, and asks me what I said to the brother? According to my father, the brother called my father and told him that I was very disrespectful on the phone. That I told him to leave me alone. I asked my mom to calm down and explained what happend; that my father was lying. I asked my mom if could talk to my father. But he didn't want to.

I called the brother again and asked him what kind of conversation he had with my father. He didn't say anything strange. I confronted him with my dad's story, he denied it. And I believe him.

My dad is the worst. Why would he lie about this? Why would he make this up? Is it frustration?

I'm livid right now. I told my mother that I don't want to see my father anytime soon and that I feel sorry for her. I'm still puzzled by his behaviour. But also somehow relieved this hook up is over.

Click to shrink...

I mean, all things considered, this is probably one of the better outcomes that could have occurred.
-You don't need to take any blame and don't need to go on the date or even bring i up with your dad
-Your secret is held safe
-the girl isn't dragged any further into a terrible situation
-Your dad comes out looking the bad guy in all of this and will hopefully change how a next time; if there is a next time, plays out

 

[Landy828]

I am definitely haram :P

But the ironic part is that I have actually read and finished the Quran. Most muslims I know don't even read the book. They just follow blindly. And are often the biggest hypocrites.

I mean, I'm not allowed to eat pork, but you're allowd to get drunk?
I'm not allowed to be gay, but you take it up your ass so you can remain a virgin? (some muslim girls I know do that. and most of the time the guy taking them is muslim as well)

Come on.

Click to shrink...

Welcome to every religion on this planet, haha.

 

[Ensorcell]

I'm livid right now. I told my mother that I don't want to see my father anytime soon and that I feel sorry for her. I'm still puzzled by his behaviour. But also somehow relieved this hook up is over.

Click to shrink...

See now this is good. I know it's not fun to be angry but it means you are pushing back against your father's stranglehold.

 

[thetrin]

I don't understand this.

How should I help my family, and why?

And in what way am I using/would be using them?

Some people don't understand. Me coming out to my father and then continuing my own "great life" would be very egoistic. I would leave lot of debris behind. I don't want that.

Click to shrink...

Your father is causing this problem, not you. No one held a gun to your head and said "BE GAY GOD DAMMIT!" Your father is being closeminded, and it's not fair for him to create this blockade.

My father got to know I'm not interested in the girl and I'm the one who's going to have a fit..

I called one of her brothers a few hours ago. My youngest brother provided me with the phone number.

So I called her brother up and introduced myself. He told me he heard about me and this whole situation with his sister. I told him I'm currently seeing someone, and that I don't want to waste anyone's time, especially not his sister's. The brother told me that his parents got in touch with my father and asked things about me. My father had told them I was single and that I was looking for a girl. That I would be interested.

I was in shock. Partly because my father still thinks I'm single, but mostly because my father was lying. I never told my father that I was looking for a girl!

The guy was a bit confused about this whole story and I didn't blame him. I apologized on behalf of my father. Apologized for the miscommunication and apologized for wasting his family's time. The brother told me that his sister was looking forward to meeting me. I said sorry again, that I'm taken and not looking for someone else. He understood.

He didn't even ask any questions about my partner. We did some smalltalk and he was thankful that I called.

Around 30 minutes later...

My mom calls me, seemingly mad, and asks me what I said to the brother? According to my father, the brother called my father and told him that I was very disrespectful on the phone. That I told him to leave me alone. I asked my mom to calm down and explained what happend; that my father was lying. I asked my mom if could talk to my father. But he didn't want to.

I called the brother again and asked him what kind of conversation he had with my father. He didn't say anything strange. I confronted him with my dad's story, he denied it. And I believe him.

My dad is the worst. Why would he lie about this? Why would he make this up? Is it frustration?

I'm livid right now. I told my mother that I don't want to see my father anytime soon and that I feel sorry for her. I'm still puzzled by his behaviour. But also somehow relieved this hook up is over.

Click to shrink...

Jesus Christ, dude. Your father is being totally unreasonable about this. He doesn't seem to care at all about your happiness.

 

[Maven]

Partly because my father still thinks I'm single, but mostly because my father was lying. I never told my father that I was looking for a girl!

Click to shrink...

Your dad is going to assume you're single because you haven't brought a girl around to meet him/family.

 

[Ding Dong Daddy]

Your dad probably heavily suspects you are gay and is going to keep forcing these types of scenarios.

 

[Meelow]

Your father is causing this problem, not you. No one held a gun to your head and said "BE GAY GOD DAMMIT!" Your father is being closeminded, and it's not fair for him to create this blockade.


Jesus Christ, dude. Your father is being totally unreasonable about this. He doesn't seem to care at all about your happiness.

Click to shrink...

Here's the thing about this, from my personal experience, the father does care BUT a lot of the time they are scared what people would think.

He doesn't want to have to tell people his son is gay and dating another man. To him that's sadly a disgrace.

It's fucked up but it's the truth of it.

 

[nayriee]

I have so many Albanian girlfriends, its shocking how many weddings they attend and how young they get married.

Some people dont understand eastern European culture and it can be a shell shock.

You're doing the right thing atm, it gets to a point where i dont even get mad at this stuff anymore.

Ive heard my parents say racist stuff, dont even get me started on my grandparents.

They're 3 times my age though so guess what, you're not gonna change their mind and make them understand. They never will.

 

[Quad Lasers]

OP, I really feel for you and all the dumbshit replies you've had to deal with from knuckledraggers in this thread.