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Moving in with Spouse-Era: How to split bills/mortgage?
- Thread starter Vagabond
- Start date
This is what we do. Basic, functional.
OP seems to be getting emotional about money which is always a red flag
My SO and I have had our finances oscillate relative to one another our entire relationship. Sometimes I make less, sometimes I make more. No matter what, we split the finances down the middle - 50/50. If somebody picks up groceries one week, the other grabs them the next. Typically speaking, though, the person making more ends up treating the other to takeout more often when we're feeling too lazy to cook. It all balances out pretty well in the end.
we act like a joint account but with separate accounts. I pay most monthly expenses as I earn more, and my wife tends to have all the savings accounts which I transfer to regularly. So we tend to bounce payments around a bunch of accounts pretty regularly but the premise is basically the same as a joint account.
It's this, other stuff always feels iffy to me. The idea of caring that much about money is beyond me. There's more to life
Why would OP have to pay half of the mortgage of a house he did not agree to buy? See below and perhaps shelve the abusiuve, guilty-trippy attitude.
Again, OP, you need to clarify for our convenience who legally owns the house. The thread cannot move forward until you do. If he's the legal owner, then any payment you make being framed as anything remotely similar to a mortgage is abusive. If you pay 1/3, you should own 1/3. And if you own 1/2, you should pay 1/2.
I really don't know how to put it any blunter than this, but if I have someone living in my house and paying me money, but I'm the owner of the house, they're my tenant, not a spouse. And even that's a terrible deal considering, as you say, as a tenant I would get choice of location plus services and protections I don't have in your arrangement (assuming again you get no legal ownership of any part of the house).
I think the biggest issue here (I mean, besides the monumental mistake of asking on Era about any kind of relationship advice) is that you seem to be asking what other people are doing. That's not what you want, because other people's situations have nothing to do with yours.
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This is what me and my wife do, we combined accounts once we moved in together over a year before we got married and never looked back.
I feel like anything other than putting all the money into a shared account & letting the other person know before you make any big purchases is just asking for trouble down the road.
First thing is don't ask for marriage advice on a gaming forum with a bunch of strangers. Talk to your wife about that stuff. :P
My wife and have a joint everything when it comes to money. Money we make goes into our joint account and all bills gets paid out of that. We talk to each other any time we want to spend money that isn't a miniscule amount so that neither of us take from the bill money.
Basically this. :)
My wife and have a joint everything when it comes to money. Money we make goes into our joint account and all bills gets paid out of that. We talk to each other any time we want to spend money that isn't a miniscule amount so that neither of us take from the bill money.
Basically this. :)
Are you legally married or just living together. This really does make a big difference. If you are legally married then you already own half of the shared property like the house. So paying part of the mortgage makes sense. If you are just living together then there is no reason you should have to pay the mortgage unless you want to out of the goodness of your heart. If you are not married then I would say you offer to pay what your rent was before and split costs on everything else.
Not in all cases since that was property before marriage from the description.
I earn roughly half what my partner does but still pay half the bills, by choice. Admittedly I live in a very cheap part of the UK so that works for me.
I have an Excel document with all our combined bills and we just divide up paying it so it evens out.
We don't have a joint account though, all our money is our own and we don't need to "ask permission" for big expenses, I think we both like it that way.
But you should really be having this conversation early on in the moving in process.
I have an Excel document with all our combined bills and we just divide up paying it so it evens out.
We don't have a joint account though, all our money is our own and we don't need to "ask permission" for big expenses, I think we both like it that way.
But you should really be having this conversation early on in the moving in process.
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Everything is separate, But big purchases we talk about. She makes about 3-4 times more than me. She pays the mortgage and taxes and I pay everything else like utilities and daycare. She also has student loans. Still a team mentality thought.
Ahh true I forgot about that. So op should definitely not pay the mortgage unless they get their name added to the deed.
We just pile our money into a joint account and stuff comes out. We talk before making purchases of anything of any significance and that's it.
Edit: Also I see people mentioning multiple accounts for spending types and I wonder how you do that without getting nickel and dimed by banks. All the chequeing accounts I see around here charge $5-10 a month for an account <_>
Edit: Also I see people mentioning multiple accounts for spending types and I wonder how you do that without getting nickel and dimed by banks. All the chequeing accounts I see around here charge $5-10 a month for an account <_>
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Won't ever have a joint account, at least not for primary spending. I'll maintain a separate account, and my partner will too. I Zelle her money for rent and pay slightly more than her since I earn more. I also pay Comcast, streaming services, and buy major electronics. She handles some home furnishings, most grocery bills, and other utilities. We kinda split ordering out and go back and forth.
it works out well enough. If and when we ever get married, I'd be open to something slightly different, but I want both of us to always have financial independence and independent financial security. It helps that neither of us is dependent on the other for money, and that helps drive our cohabitation.
it works out well enough. If and when we ever get married, I'd be open to something slightly different, but I want both of us to always have financial independence and independent financial security. It helps that neither of us is dependent on the other for money, and that helps drive our cohabitation.
This is just incredibly sad see. People acting as if there's one solution to a problem just because it works for them and/or they have strong feelings for a topic. Completely ignoring that fact there are several factors that make every relationship and not everyone has the same priorities.
Also trying to shame saying people who can't contribute saying it's bullshit and saying it leads to resentment? lmao
We have a joint account...of sorts. My wife hasnt worked for the last eight years but she has full access to my account and the savings account and handles all the money matters. About twelve years ago we tried me being in charge of that at it didnt work out so well!
When she did work, her money just got put into the pool so to speak. I have a certain agreed amount of money, basically kind of pocket money, that I use for whatever. If either of us want to buy something outside of that, we usually talk about it. I think this kind of set up is the most common for couples in Japan.
When she did work, her money just got put into the pool so to speak. I have a certain agreed amount of money, basically kind of pocket money, that I use for whatever. If either of us want to buy something outside of that, we usually talk about it. I think this kind of set up is the most common for couples in Japan.
My partner isn't my spouse (yet) but we both pay proportionally for bills and alternate (when possible) on things like groceries and eating out and what not. I don't think a joint account would fit either of us well, to be honest. We've yet to encounter any financial difficulties after doing it this way for the last six years.
When my wife (then girlfriend) and I moved out together, I paid for everything except for a few bills she took on herself, and she paid for groceries. I was making double what she was.
When we got married, we made a combined savings account and dumped everything in there, but kept separate checking accounts to move money for bills in each person's name, as well as for gift buying. No difference in the split since I was still making a lot more than she was.
With covid, my wife quit her job to be stay at home since she was pregnant, and now we have a baby. From the start of that I've been paying 100% of the bills.
When we got married, we made a combined savings account and dumped everything in there, but kept separate checking accounts to move money for bills in each person's name, as well as for gift buying. No difference in the split since I was still making a lot more than she was.
With covid, my wife quit her job to be stay at home since she was pregnant, and now we have a baby. From the start of that I've been paying 100% of the bills.
This is where I'm at but I would also defer to others that are saying that you, at the very least, just need to sit down and talk about this with your spouse and possibly get the arrangement in writing, if necessary.
I'm not going to tell you how to split ratios or whatnot - that depends on how much you both earn and whatever you want to decide between you.
But my wife and I split our smaller bills by us being responsible for certain things. We have three accounts: our individual checking accounts and one joint account. We split the direct deposit for big bills (mortgage, auto payment, and loan payments) to go into the joint account. That's a set amount out of both of our salary checks. The rest of our checks go into our individual accounts, where we can save or pay off credit card purchases (or smaller bills like water and power) as necessary.
The main thing is that we don't really think of the individual checks we earn as my money and her money, it's all our money.
But my wife and I split our smaller bills by us being responsible for certain things. We have three accounts: our individual checking accounts and one joint account. We split the direct deposit for big bills (mortgage, auto payment, and loan payments) to go into the joint account. That's a set amount out of both of our salary checks. The rest of our checks go into our individual accounts, where we can save or pay off credit card purchases (or smaller bills like water and power) as necessary.
The main thing is that we don't really think of the individual checks we earn as my money and her money, it's all our money.
OP
OP
Ohhh, I see. Then I am not yet legally married.
I guess I kind of lied to make my situation seem better. We're engaged. I am not on any paperwork to own any part of the house or any assets. I'm guessing at this point I need to either demand to be on the paperwork or we should go ahead and file the marriage paperwork before I agree to anything asking me to contribute so heavily toward the mortgage/bills.
I'm just asking for input and other people's experiences - this is new to me and the first time I have ever had to do any kind of consolidation with anyone else. I would have hoped both of our bills go down instead of it being kind of lopsided.
This is what I plan to do for my next relationship. First one we kept everything separate and just split all bills 50/50. On the plus side it made it easy to split when that time came lol.
for our first place I can't even remember I paid rent plus extra for utilities I think because I made significantly more, but then we bought a house together and she still made less, but mortgage was more than our old rent so I increased what I gave and she increased as well. I mean we pretty much just pool our money together. I skim 50-100 off the top of my check for my own personal stuff, but otherwise I just give her all of it. It doesn't matter to me because she is the money guru of the house so she spends whatever on the bills and anything left over goes into our savings. If I need more for something I ask if we can afford it and she does the math basically. When it comes grocery time or whatever she tells me the amount and I just keep it under that. I like our system a lot, but mostly because I was irresponsible when younger with money so her having safe guard over 99% of our money makes me feel better. Can't see it, can't spend it, kind of thing.
Hmm. Well for me OP, when my S/O moved in with me I made like 4 times what she made and my house/bills reflected it. I took into consideration her amount and asked her to pay only one bill and half of food expenses. I'm good with it because I was paying it all myself before she moved in. But if you make significantly less it's not fair for you to pay half. Especially if you had no say in the place.
Seems to me you need to talk to your fiancee, perhaps consult with someone with actual legal knowledge, and amend the mortgage paperwork accordingly. Leaving your situation as vague as it is now is a disaster waiting to happen, whether you actually get married or not.
I'm not sure how your country (US?)'s legislation works, but e.g. in Spain, even if there's no pre-nuptial agreement, there's a difference between property acquired by each spouse before the marriage (which is normally considered the private property of each), and property acquired after the marriage (which by default is considered to be equally owned by both). If it's like that in your country too, and you eventually decide to divorce, your spouse could argue that the house is his pre-nuptial property and solely belongs to him, regardless of how much of the mortgage you've paid.
To reiterate, there's really only two logical options available to you:
- You pay 1/3 of the mortgage and are included with 1/3 ownership of the house (yes, this is possible and very common). If you want to be extra diplomatic, you can even broach the subject as something he would want to settle, too. E.g. "if we get married, the house would be property of us both equally [citation needed], whereas I'm only contributing 1/3 of its mortgage. It's actually best for you if we make it legally explicit that only 1/3 belongs to me."
- You pay nothing and your spouse entirely owns the house. This would by far be my recommended arrangement (it can be a nightmare to sell a co-owned house after a breakup; I know because I lived through it). In this case I would recommend you and your fiancee sign a pre-nuptial explicitly stating his ownership of the house, to give him the peace of mind.
This is not true. Even if married, one spouse doesn't automatically own everything the other brings into the marriage.
You should talk this over with your SO if the finances are a big concern of yours so that you go into this with no surprises or expectations that don't get met. This is an important conversation that you should be having now before you get married and it's better to have done it before you tie the knot. You two really should be on the same page about this.
Agreed 100%. I'm not asking anyone if I can buy shit lol. We both split everything, what we do with our money in our own time is on us
This is such a tough topic, so much of it comes down to the personalities of the people involved. The most common setups I've seen are:
The problem with any of this, is what happens if the marriage fails - because 50% of them do (or more, if you've already been divorced). Will you get any equity from the house? Because in many jurisdictions you're entitled to gains/assets acquired during the marriage, but you've just told us you're not married yet.
I know it sucks, but I would sit down and have the difficult conversation about how to handle money now, since it will only get tougher once you're actually married.
Side note: I am slightly concerned by the fact that you need to move to his location, in a house that you don't really like, that he bought while the two of your were already together. I'm not trying to imply anything bad about your spouse-to-be, but it seems like you're being asked to accommodate his desires an awful lot.
- All money goes into one big bucket, bills paid from that with allowances to each person
- Pay all common bills as a percentage of each person's share of total income
- Each person keeps all their money, contributes to bills evenly.
The problem with any of this, is what happens if the marriage fails - because 50% of them do (or more, if you've already been divorced). Will you get any equity from the house? Because in many jurisdictions you're entitled to gains/assets acquired during the marriage, but you've just told us you're not married yet.
I know it sucks, but I would sit down and have the difficult conversation about how to handle money now, since it will only get tougher once you're actually married.
Side note: I am slightly concerned by the fact that you need to move to his location, in a house that you don't really like, that he bought while the two of your were already together. I'm not trying to imply anything bad about your spouse-to-be, but it seems like you're being asked to accommodate his desires an awful lot.
I have a joint account with my wife that we replenish as needed for all expenses. I would suggest 50/50 if the salaries are comparable or percentage-based if the disparity is too high as is the case here. (Every month he would top up 3k while you top up 1.5k for example).
Is your name going to be added as co owner of the house if you're paying the mortgage? Or is it like a rent? If it's for the long term, it would be fair to add your name as owner too...
Is your name going to be added as co owner of the house if you're paying the mortgage? Or is it like a rent? If it's for the long term, it would be fair to add your name as owner too...
My spouse and I have a joint account that we both put the same amount of money into, which equates to about half my wage.
It covers the mortgages, big bills (rates and stuff) and house repairs. We are then responsible for everything else from out own personal accounts.
It's worked well for over 10 years, but we don't have kids and our incomes are roughly the same.
It covers the mortgages, big bills (rates and stuff) and house repairs. We are then responsible for everything else from out own personal accounts.
It's worked well for over 10 years, but we don't have kids and our incomes are roughly the same.
With my spouse and I, our income is roughly 60/40 respectively of our combined net income. He pays mortgage, utilities, insurance, and food. I do PMI, fun/vacation, booze, and house emergencies/repairs. Currently we have separate accounts but we're both on the accounts and we're looking to merge with a credit union in the future. We've known each other for ten years, been together for 8, and married for 3 :) .
Edit: ALSO, we don't question what the other buys as long as the bills are paid for at the end of the day.
Edit: ALSO, we don't question what the other buys as long as the bills are paid for at the end of the day.
Haha very true, 10 years and going so I think she made the right choice.
I feel like this is the best way for most couples. For my situation I just pay the mortgage and bills my fiancee pays for food expenses and deposits the rest jnto our savings. However this is hard for most couples I feel like
We just have a joint bank account that all of our money dumps into, we pay bills from, and we run big purchases by each other. It's a big exercise in trust and whatnot.
Definitely talk to your fiancé more, some red flags popping up where you're already feeling resentment and you're getting a raw deal before even starting, it shouldn't feel like a negotiation, it should feel like a collaborative effort.
As this thread shows, no single system works best for all couples. I know people in happy relationships that have variations of all the types of setups talked about in here. Personally we just combine all our income and pay everything from that, my wife hasn't looked at a bank account statement since the day we got a joint account, she hates thinking about money so I handle the finances/bills while she just uses her debit card without worrying. Now that we have a kid, the joint setup continues to work well now that we have baby related expenses. Any big purchases we keep each other in the loop but other than that it's basically just buy what you need when we need it and I keep an eye on the account balances.
As this thread shows, no single system works best for all couples. I know people in happy relationships that have variations of all the types of setups talked about in here. Personally we just combine all our income and pay everything from that, my wife hasn't looked at a bank account statement since the day we got a joint account, she hates thinking about money so I handle the finances/bills while she just uses her debit card without worrying. Now that we have a kid, the joint setup continues to work well now that we have baby related expenses. Any big purchases we keep each other in the loop but other than that it's basically just buy what you need when we need it and I keep an eye on the account balances.
This is what my wife and I did basically, one big money pool and both parties agree to any large purchase. It's worked well for 6 years so far, and I see no reason it won't continue to work out.