Diamonds Are Forever (1971) **1/2 / *****
The Vegas strip car chase is extremely cool, and Shirley Bassey's theme is the best Bond song since...Shirley Bassey's previous theme for
Goldfinger. Otherwise a mediocre and messy affair that gets worse and worse as it goes on, with very little thought put into it. Take the weirdo bagmen Kidd and Wint, at first they're cooly competent and unsettlingly off. Gradually the film turns them into idiots, and also they're gay and that is very funny and strange apparently (?). Similar arc for Tiffany Case. At first she's catty and clever, two steps ahead of everyone and eager to let everyone know that. In a blink of an eye she becomes a far less interesting bikini-clad ditz. Par for the course for Bond girls perhaps yet made dissatisfying all over by setting the bar higher to start.
There's a third character following this pattern of hypercompetent and intriguing to hollow bore: Blofeld. This Blofeld sucks! He commits the most egregious examples of a villain neglecting to kill Bond. He captures Bond and can do whatever he want. Hey, if he wanted to hang him from a slowly-fraying rope over a piranha tank I'd go along for the ride, that's the kind of thing I'm watching these for, not the logical choice to just put a bullet in 007's head and be done with it. Instead his solution is to gas him and drop him in a segment of pipeline that has an escape hatch. I could escape that. And then Blofeld is defeated by a sitcom device of "Oh no I mixed up the tapes!" and being swung around in a dippy looking submarine like he's on an amusement part ride. Quite undignified.
John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns (2005) *1/2 / *****
A minor character says early on that when you see cigarette burns in a movie you know
something is about to happen. This...is false? I mean flatly false. Given they happen at reel changes, a cigarette burn more commonly accompanies a lull. A change in angle or even scene, after which some reestablishment work is needed to get to any
something.
Anyway don't let anyone fool you, this is purely for auteurist completists and it largely sucks. Even ardent defenders will let you know this: Norman Reedus's performance is garbage. Sincerely one of the worst lead performances I've seen in any moving image work in a long time. His demeanor, which Carpenter in a DVD feature complimentarily calls "muted" or some such, just about undoes the film right off the bat. This isn't a spoiler because it happens in the first five minutes, but as proof of the existence of a legendarily sinister film the mysterious benefactor played by Udo Kier leads him to a room where chained on a turntable slouches a
literal fucking angel. This should be shocking not merely for their ghastly appearance and the rough open scar tissue protruding from their back where wings, now severed, used to be. It should also be shocking because it's proof of
angels. Presented in front of Norman Reedus is unassailable proof of the existence of angels and demons right out of Abrahamic scripture, of the existence of a heaven and a hell and a God, and it's rotating with a spotlight on it like a brand new appliance at the fucking mall. Reedus has zero reaction. Not a muted reaction where he's swallowing his shock, not a guarded fascination. Nil. Nothing. It is baffling, and immediately lends the impression that the actors don't give a shit about this movie and Carpenter must not either so why in the world should the audience.
That inexplicable moment sets the tone. Reedus is wholly unequipped to sell any sort of maddening obsession with the cursed film at the center of all of this. None of what the psychos who have scraps of information on it say is remotely lucid. The writers pepper the dialogue with references to like Pauline Kael and Argento or whatever, the kind of thing I would have done a decade ago if I were setting out to write a referential screenplay and wanted to prove my cred. Even as a teenager I'd've moved that script to trash though and somehow these adults were shameless enough to push it through.
That could be bearable if the script had an iota of momentum otherwise. What we get is a bloodless (maybe not literally but certainly figuratively) slog until the finale. Throughout Carpenter does his best to prove the early suspicious that he plain does not give a shit and is just filming with the most rudimentary and simplistic setups possible—zero sense of legitimate visual economy or precision in framing and movement—so he can go home and smoke weed and play DOOM with his son (whose score, by the by, is pretty good). Which, go off dude I would too. At that finale one or two gonzo moments instill a moment of pause: is this film actually interesting? Was there a
something there in the preceding 55 minutes? Then the movie abruptly clunks to an end and you get your answer.
Josie and the Pussycats (2001) [rewatch] ****1/2 / *****
What's that old aphorism—a pessimist is an optimist with experience? This can be taken to mean that once you've had some experience in the cold, uncaring, vicious world you wake up and become a pessimist, never to go back. Oftentimes I'd agree—except I know myself and know that what this really means is that I'm an optimist safeguarding with pessimism, and I'd give anything to return to optimism and let it take me over.
That's why I adore
Josie and the Pussycats, or
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, or—fuck it, nobody probably expected to see these side by side—Charlie Chaplin films. These are movies about characters whose utter naivety and unfettered optimism take them on a journey that tests that optimism and finally
proves it right. These characters find lifelong love and artistic success and in some cases save the entire world from destruction and tyranny, all while remaining simple-minded and even infantile. Their purity of being is infectious and giddying and put forward as an ultimate ideal.
In
Josie and the Pussycats the girls' idealism is challenged by a megacorporation brainwashing teenage listeners into endless consumerism via subliminal messaging, planting messages that the new color is green, the new soda is Fresca, the new sandwich is Subway. It's a pretty straightforward representation of how those at the top wish they could get pure capitalism to function: perpetual churn and demographics that will buy what, where, and when the data expects them to (or the data tells them to). Where the satire gets truly bold is when it becomes clear that this isn't being done via the most popular products and media. Everything is infected. The culture is controlling you, and the counterculture you believe sprung up to resist the culture is also controlling you. No choice you make is yours, and whether the stripes you wear are that of the culture or counterculture you are trapped in the monoculture.
"One holistic system of systems. One vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multi-varied, multinational dominion of dollars."
Josie and Valerie and Melody escape this system and smash the monoculture to shards. Get bent, Ned Beatty. (Okay—they don't take down the government, who are shown to be supportive of the evil plans. But the government is also shown to have zero actual conviction and to technically still be beholden to the people in the end, so I'm still giving the girls the win.) And they do it by being kind and true to each other, by refusing to give up on each other or allowing their guileless ideals to be overrun and dominated by the clothes and images and food and cars and music that assault them from every angle. I could see either their exaggerated, genuine goodness or the corporate villain's comical evil being grating, but they cancel each other out in precisely the right way. The satire retains maximal bite, yet minute-to-minute you can simply crack up at any dodo-brained non sequitur from Melody or flustered faux pas from Josie or wry comeback from Valerie. Or you can jam along to the truly awesome grungy power pop soundtrack. I have had "Three Small Words" stuck in my head since I saw this years and years ago. Or, and best of all, you can bask in the deep, complicated-but-simple, overwhelmingly loving relationship between the three bandmates.
Funnily enough I think I was introduced to this in the same milieu as a lot of its cult following: girls' sleepovers. I saw plenty of "girly" movies in that setting, though you may notice I am male. Usually this would be while staying with my aunt and cousins, where my cousin-who-is-basically-my-sister would often pick the movie. (I have seen every single Adventure of Mary Kate and Ashley.) I have a vivid memory of watching
Josie and the Pussycats while staying at the Rometty's for a night. They were neighbors we knew somewhat well, but due to a PTA raffle or something they were watching my brothers and I overnight while my parents had fun downtown. The Rometty girl my age must have put this on. Being a dumb 12-year-old boy, unable to consume anything girly for fear of ridicule or to foresee that I'd likely have a crush on this very girl sometime over the next 5 years and should probably at the very least feign interest in what she was sharing with me, my reaction must have been mildly nonplussed at best or actively derisive at worst. But I've thought about this movie a lot in the fifteen/sixteen-ish years since I first saw it, and suspected it contained greatness I wasn't ready for at the time. I am exuberant to be proven right—sometimes optimism pays off.