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Men being pressured or tricked into having kids
- Thread starter Juice
- Start date
I still don't understand why folks would want the love of their lives... their life partner...etc... to constantly take birth control pills.
Maybe I need to read up on it more, but growing up I was led to believe it wasn't a healthy thing to do long term.
Even though I wasn't married to them.. I didn't want my ex'es to do it... We did our part regarding pre-cum.. and then I did my part in pulling out. Worked out all my years with relationships where we eventually started to go bare.
OP
OP
To folks piling on the part where I said I resented/hated kids, I'm not walking around like a monster or anything. I'm perfectly kind and polite to people. The reason I emphasized it in the OP is because if I'd been any LESS headstrong about it, I wouldn't have risked being ostracized by friends and family by refusing to procreate. I paid a high social cost for this
Most of the women I've been with on the pill actually wanted to be on them for hormonal reasons. With my wife, she had an IUD in already.
And, I mean, pull out is both not quite as satisfying and not as safe. None of us wanted a kid when I was 18 or 20 or whatever. I mean if the love of my life didn't want to be on the pill or whatever then obviously we'd have that conversation and it's her body so she rules in regard to that. But the women I've been with have wanted to for hormonal or control reasons.
the way you talk about kids is very... off putting
the pill is normal to take long term and pulling out feels terrible
the pill is normal to take long term and pulling out feels terrible
I think this is a southern thing in America, the idea that it's ok for women to "drag" their man into what will surely be a happy, stable, equitable co-parenting family relationship.
As the startling number of single moms in my dating pool can attest to, this doesn't usually work out.
I live in Wisconsin. These were all Wisconsinites, born and raised.
Granted they're Wisconsinites that have in the past either defended or actually flown the confederate flag, so... you know.
never knew doctors try to stop you from having a vasectomy? like you gotta have kids first before getting the surgery and you have to find one who's willing to bypass that; why's it like that tho
I definitely see it as emotional and moral abuse, and having long-lasting damaging effect to the victim in ways that can shatter their trust and self-confidence in future relationships. I definitely see it as sexual abuse, as again the act is related to sexual activities, and is intimately linked to it. But I have troubles calling it rape, really. This doesn't feel right to me, to call it rape.
I have greatly feared getting raped since I'm like 7 years old. I have also greatly feared becoming pregnant in non-consensual ways ever since I became menstruated. Those two fears overlap, but they're not the same fears still. Both of them are different kind of utter shit stuff, but they're not the same shit stuff, and shouldn't be equated to one another, in my opinion. Then again, my own experiences and fears are why I'm having this particular subjective opinion on the matter, this is... always a difficult and sensitive subject to talk and reflect about.
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Shit I wish it would have happened to me lol. I wanted a kid since I was like 17, and now at 34 it's looking like it's not in the cards for me.
Ive been waiting for this procedure for years, im so glad its finally coming, holy shit
Yes me too, but some scientists warn it's unsafe. Supposedly once injected, it lasts for 12-15 years. I'm feeling much safer injections are years away. But I'm keeping an eye on this one just the same.
it's fine
and actually a lot of women see improvement in mood/mental health and things like acne because of the changes in hormones from taking birth control
My marriage ended over this very issue.
During dating / engagement, we discussed at length the desire to not have kids, and we were both on board. We were together for 14 years.
Then my ex flipped a switch in her brain and all of a sudden had baby fever (probably because a string of women in her office had recently had kids), and then it was all or nothing with zero room for compromise.
So, she left, and "started over", and five years later she's no closer to having a kid because she hasn't 'found the one' yet.
During dating / engagement, we discussed at length the desire to not have kids, and we were both on board. We were together for 14 years.
Then my ex flipped a switch in her brain and all of a sudden had baby fever (probably because a string of women in her office had recently had kids), and then it was all or nothing with zero room for compromise.
So, she left, and "started over", and five years later she's no closer to having a kid because she hasn't 'found the one' yet.
Funny thing a friend of mine started dating a woman who said in the very beginning she wants kids, he doesn't. I told him it wouldn't work out based on that, but they started dating anyways, and lo and behold...they're at odds with each other over this very subject.
People will tell you their feelings on children in the beginning of the relationship. People who truly want kids will say this, and those who don't will also vocalize this. It always blows my mind they still get involved with each other and then are shocked at later stages in the relationship when they have different wants in regards to kids.
It kind of rides alongside what OP is talking about, that many people ignore these signs in the beginning because so many men and women think having kids is just their calling, and as a result they think their SO will change their mind about it, or will cave in via societal and spouse pressure.
Shit sucks. Which is why I personally don't even bother wasting time with a woman who is at odds with what I want in regards to whether or not to have children.
Definitely not. That dude has a kid and didn't want more and he apparently was very proactive about contraceptives
There's definitely a weirdly judgmental tone a lot of the time some people take with you when you just flatly admit, and very bluntly explain why, you don't want kids. As a gay man I don't get this pressure from others quite as much, and I'm extremely happy my husband and I are both very firm on not wanting kids, but whenever someone asks us about it and we just straight up say "We don't like kids, we find them kind of frustrating to be around and it would absolutely sap us of our free time for years of our lives and tons of our money, and we just see nothing inherently rewarding in that" people can look at us like we're aliens.
Growing up, I always felt like having kids is something a lot of people do just as something they feel like they're supposed to do, without really every thinking about it much more than that, and being in a same-sex relationship makes parenting something you genuinely have to explicitly plan and weigh the pros and cons of - in addition to just how being gay can make you analyze aspects of sexuality and relationships most people don't even think to question - because it can't ever just kind of be something that "happens" to us and we have to find ways to make peace with it and rationalize it or whatever, there's a lot more work involved for us, which kind of takes away the mystique of it all and makes you realize that a lot more people probably wouldn't have kids if they could make the choice differently.
Growing up, I always felt like having kids is something a lot of people do just as something they feel like they're supposed to do, without really every thinking about it much more than that, and being in a same-sex relationship makes parenting something you genuinely have to explicitly plan and weigh the pros and cons of - in addition to just how being gay can make you analyze aspects of sexuality and relationships most people don't even think to question - because it can't ever just kind of be something that "happens" to us and we have to find ways to make peace with it and rationalize it or whatever, there's a lot more work involved for us, which kind of takes away the mystique of it all and makes you realize that a lot more people probably wouldn't have kids if they could make the choice differently.
Not sure that compromise works for someone that wants a child, it's possible I suppose. Maybe Foster parents?
I don't think that this is the correct answer, but I've met people who basically tried to answer this question with "Getting a dog"
Maybe it works for some people, I guess, but it seems to me that if you want a kid and you can be satisfied by having a dog, maybe you didn't really want a kid, and just something to look after and cuddle. Idk.
This always scares me about getting into a relationship again. Granted, I'm okay with eventually having kids - with plenty of planning and consideration beforehand - but that biological clock/peer pressure phenomenon is real.
Yeah. If you just need something to love, lots of doggies in shelter looking for love and to give love.
Got that vibe from an ex, yeah. She eventually didn't want to use birth control because it made things "too complicated." I pointed out that having a child would make things extremely complicated and that somehow was not the right thing to say.
I also asked her once if she'd stop smoking when we had children and she took it as if I'd just slapped her mother.
During all of this, I was 20. She was 19.
We broke up and she was pregnant within four months with a dude who I'm pretty sure she was fooling around with near the end of our relationship, and who from what I heard felt similarly "trapped." They got married and I believe they now have two kids. I haven't been super curious about what's going on with them now.
I also asked her once if she'd stop smoking when we had children and she took it as if I'd just slapped her mother.
During all of this, I was 20. She was 19.
We broke up and she was pregnant within four months with a dude who I'm pretty sure she was fooling around with near the end of our relationship, and who from what I heard felt similarly "trapped." They got married and I believe they now have two kids. I haven't been super curious about what's going on with them now.
I feel like kids is one of those issues that is highly magnified on ERA vs real life. The vast majority of my friends all have kids. I feel like I live in a bizarro world.
With respect to the OP, always bring your own "rubber" or get a vasectomy. In addition respect your partners wishes and realize that its time to bail if they want kids and you don't. Even if at the start of the relationship/marriage both of you agreed on no kids.
With respect to the OP, always bring your own "rubber" or get a vasectomy. In addition respect your partners wishes and realize that its time to bail if they want kids and you don't. Even if at the start of the relationship/marriage both of you agreed on no kids.
Coward.
I've had one best friend of mine tricked into having a child by the same BC method. It's like textbook.
Legally "stealthing" is classified as rape in the UK as it violates "conditional consent" laws. IE, that the person would never have had sex had they known a condition had changed.
We had two dogs already.
My compromise came during marriage counselling where I offered up if she could wait 5 years for us to get a bit of a nest egg / get properly prepared for the mountain of work having a kid was.
We were 30 at the time, and she said 35 would be "too late" for her and she wanted to have one ASAP.
So the "wait 5 years and we can try" wasn't good enough.
I'd argue that for many women, it's the total opposite. I took birth control pills for quite a while, they resulted in a deep dive to my libido as well as a nice depression to deal with. Birth control pills fuck with a lot of brain chemicals we barely fully understand, and while it might greatly improve the quality of life of many people with uteruses (I have friends taking them in order to reduce the pain and discomfort their endometriosis is putting them through), it equally can just screw over the quality of life of many other (libido, mental health, and even cancer can be huge side-effects).
It's a tough one, but let's say that birth control pills definitely aren't the perfect solution to this problem at all. The more birth control options we have, the merrier. But let's not put the onus on people with uteruses and push them to make birth control pills a priority while it can screw over us big time as well, more often than you'd think.
I always find it interesting how birth control pills were never made for people with penises, nor publically pushed by them to be created, and that's because more often than not they're pretty damn glad and happy to not have to be the ones that have to have the discipline and responsibility to maybe screw over their own health (or maybe not) by taking them in order to take charge of their own fertility. There's a certain level of comfort here some people aren't willing to give up on, and who take full advantage of our patriarchal societies in order to keep it that way. That and the toxic masculinity making most of them feel "lesser than" if they happen to have to be the ones expected to become infertile, even if very temporarily.
Isn't that age range usually considered high risk pregnancy? Probably why they want it as soon as possible. But still resorting to that method is shitty. The whole secretly stop taking BC.
In my experience this isn't really a man or woman thing. Society in general pressures everyone to have children and I've met countless people with kids who are unhappy. I'm extremely confident if not for that constant societal pressure many more people would choose to not have kids.
When my wife and I had our first outing with friends as a couple people were already asking us when kids were coming. This on top of a lifetime of pressure.
Also I do think there are many examples of men having kids because their partner wants one but that ignores our upbringing. From young kids women are told that's what they need to do, be a mother. Men are given the opposite message. That's why it seems like it's the men being forced into having kids when really women are being pushed from the time they're kids.
When my wife and I had our first outing with friends as a couple people were already asking us when kids were coming. This on top of a lifetime of pressure.
Also I do think there are many examples of men having kids because their partner wants one but that ignores our upbringing. From young kids women are told that's what they need to do, be a mother. Men are given the opposite message. That's why it seems like it's the men being forced into having kids when really women are being pushed from the time they're kids.
From what I have heard from the women in my life, you really have to find the right one for you, because the wrong one throws all of your systems out of wack, while the right one can help balance you out. This is all anecdotal and doesn't account for other medications they are on and each person's specific brain chemistry, though. Saying "it's fine" was probably too broad on my part, especially speaking on secondhand experience.
I agree with everything in the second paragraph
If you don't want to have children don't have penetrative sex it's pretty easy to avoid, there are alternatives
Real story bro... Guy at work. Her girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling him. She was ready. Evil.
Same. Wish men had a pill version. Putting a condom on every time is a serious downer. Plus my anxiety starts to rise every month if my fiancé's period doesn't start right in time. Always makes me think the condom malfunctioned during use but then finally her period starts and I breathe a huge sigh of relief.
Kinda turns me off sex entirely tbh.
Yep, and it scares the shit out of me because I know that if it should ever happen the choice for what happens next is more-or-less out of my hands. Agency gone. If she wants to keep a baby, then we're having a baby.
Sorry to hear that. Me and my fiancé both are adamant about never having kids. We enjoy our own time too much to worry about another person's problems. Life is stressful enough with just us. Why the fuck would we ask for more? Lol
Consent can be conditional. It is rape if for instance a person's consent is conditional on the other person using birth control. This is known as rape by deception.
That's interesting, I don't think the law in my country properly recognizes it as rape, for that matter. There's still something weird to me in putting it under the actual definition of rape, although I can see why one would make the case that it actually could belong there as well. But it definitely belongs to the wider umbrella that is sexual abuse, no doubt.
Someone I know was told by his wife that she was barren and they had two kids 🤷🏻♂️ Obviously he should've been more careful after the first but uhhhh yeah she's been dishonest about a lot of stuff so idk if she was telling the truth with that one.
"The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's survey on domestic violence includes questions regarding control of reproductive health, specifically pregnancy pressure and birth control sabotage.[10] The 2011 study found that:
- approximately 8.6% (or an estimated 10.3 million) of women in the United States reported ever having an intimate partner who tried to get them pregnant when they did not want to, or refused to use a condom, with 4.8% having had an intimate partner who tried to get them pregnant when they did not want to, and 6.7% having had an intimate partner who refused to wear a condom;
- approximately 10.4% (or an estimated 11.7 million) of men in the United States reported ever having an intimate partner who tried to get pregnant when they did not want to or tried to stop them from using birth control, with 8.7% having had an intimate partner who tried to get pregnant when they did not want to or tried to stop them from using birth control and 3.8% having had an intimate partner who refused to wear a condom."