Men being pressured or tricked into having kids

Juice · Dec 21, 2019

Maybe this is my fundamentalist past nipping at my heels, but the idea that every heterosexual monogamous pairing must result in a child is still pervasive in most of my non-tech and non-twitter social circles.

Personally, I've been married 12 years but was incredibly headstrong about not having kids and got a vasectomy to ensure it, despite that leading to my wife's family and many of my own relatives shunning me. I have many friends with kids that I do my best to tolerate, but honestly I just truly resent children (until they reach their mid-20s or so) within a few hours. I still take a lot of shit for my decision but I can't imagine how hateful and spiteful a person I'd be if I had to raise or pay for kids.

Compare to many of my men friends who do have kids, and while plenty of them had kids as an intentional decision, many others resent their own children or their partners for either pressuring them into it or (they suspect, at least) lying about birth control or willingness to get an abortion. I have one friend whose wife openly brags about how she lied in the run up to get pregnant and she is mostly celebrated for this by friends and family because of course the man will get used to it and eventually love them.

Is this just a conservative flyover state thing? Is it still common in other parts of the developed western world?

Khanimus · Dec 21, 2019

EDIT: Rescinding this post.

BlackNMild2k1 · Dec 21, 2019

does someone being raped in their sleep count?

Grug · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

This is a really weird and antagonistic response. Not sure how the whataboutism/gender wars angle is appropriate at all.

Video Games Are Dumb · Dec 21, 2019

Parents are the ultimate early adopters.

They complain all day about their kids but tell ya how ya just GOTTA have kids. Oh it's so life changing.

But naw. No one is being tricked. I'm sure being a parent can be very rewarding. But societal pressure is a bit odd given overpopulation and how there are plenty of older kids looking to be adopted. Not having kids doesn't have to mean abandoning future generations.

Deleted member 46948 · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

This.
Obviously it's extremely wrong when anyone is tricked into having kids, but the fact is it happens to women vastly more often.

ryutaro's mama · Dec 21, 2019

Yes i know someone who was pressured into starting a family.

Mr.Awesome · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

...did he say they werent?

ckareset · Dec 21, 2019

Keep it wrapped

Doober · Dec 21, 2019

Claven said:
This.
Obviously it's extremely wrong when anyone is tricked into having kids, but the fact is it happens to women vastly more often.

But like, ok?

Doesn't seem like the OP intended it to be a competition.

Siggy-P · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

Is that what you'd say to one of your friends if their wife or girlfriend lied about being on birth control?

SpaceCrystal · Dec 21, 2019

If they can't respect your decision, then they don't respect you.

Having kids, like having animals & material things, are not a necessity.

Also, there are plenty of children that need to be adopted.

Khanimus · Dec 21, 2019

Siggy-P said:
Is that what you'd say to one of your friends if their wife or girlfriend lied about being on birth control?

Is that not evidence of a toxic relationship?

Deleted member 46948 · Dec 21, 2019

Doober said:
But like, ok?

Doesn't seem like the OP intended it to be a competition.

Sure, but the debate will be tainted by this imbalance in incidence for many.

Kieli · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

How are we supposed to talk about men's health and make meaningful progress towards less toxicity when the discussion devolves into crap like this.

data west · Dec 21, 2019

Kieli said:
How are we supposed to talk about men's health and make meaningfully progress towards less toxicity when the discussion devolves into crap like this.

You can't talk about it on resetera.

Period.

BlackNMild2k1 · Dec 21, 2019

I've got a story or two.....

how about after telling her bf that she was already pregnant, she convinced him he no longer needed to use the condoms.
She supposedly went as far as showing him a fake pregnancy test, but it turns out she wasn't pregnant until sometime after they stopped using the condoms.

MrCheezball · Dec 21, 2019

Yeah you are totally right. Just avoid "fly-over" states and you will never have to witness it.

ryutaro's mama · Dec 21, 2019

ckareset said:
Keep it wrapped

Not that simple when your SO wants kids.

I empathize but it is also the reason i made the choice to be fixed before having any kids. Makes those conversations a lot easier in dating.

Tbm24 · Dec 21, 2019

Tbh as a parent, there's no being tricked into being a parent, because you're never fucking ready for it before it happens regardless. Yes there's pressure to have children from society at large, but that pressure is several orders of magnitude harsher on women and heavier. They also are dealt the worst card of parenthood from all facets.

The premise of this thread is flawed in my eyes.

BearPawB · Dec 21, 2019

Men can wear condoms. There are things you can do to prevent a women getting pregnant. If you do not do those things, that is on you too.
"she told me she was on birth control!"

Who cares, wear a condom, shit happens, be safe. Take responsibility for your own actions

Samanosuke Akechi · Dec 21, 2019

My ex was baby crazy. She wanted nothing more than to have kids with me. I did not. But she got pregnant and mis carried. Got pregnant a second time with twins, lost one in the womb.

She was a crazy drug addict too but I wasn't. We got a divorce and she had the kid back in California with her family. But she couldn't stop doing drugs I was told and the state took her away and gave her up for adoption.

Before me, she also had two or three kids from previous relationships taken away as well. All due to drugs and booze.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Astraea · Dec 21, 2019

Actually yes. Recently a friend of mine was persuaded to have a child with his wife by HIS family. He was told how great it is to have kids blah blah, without being informed of any of the hardships.

He's happy to have his son and loves him, but if he could do it over he'd wait a bit more.

higemaru · Dec 21, 2019

Kieli said:
How are we supposed to talk about men's health and make meaningfully progress towards less toxicity when the discussion devolves into crap like this.

i love how this discussion immediately turned into a man saying "well, actually"

it be your own

Siggy-P · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Is that not evidence of a toxic relationship?

That was rethorical. I'm more interested in why your immediate response to the OP was, to paraphrase; "despite your concocted anecdote women have it worse!"

OP never implied otherwise. Nor have you added anything of worth other than an obvious dismissal of the topic.

CoyoteSpitfire · Dec 21, 2019

Kieli said:
How are we supposed to talk about men's health and make meaningfully progress towards less toxicity when the discussion devolves into crap like this.

Era don't care.

Deleted member 46948 · Dec 21, 2019

Astraea said:
Actually yes. Recently a friend of mine was persuaded to have a child with his wife by HIS family. He was told how great it is to have kids blah blah, without being informed of any of the hardships.

He's happy to have his son and loves him, but if he could do it over he'd wait a bit more.

It boggles the mind how can you avoid being informed of what parenthood entails, in this day and age.

Tbm24 · Dec 21, 2019

Astraea said:
Actually yes. Recently a friend of mine was persuaded to have a child with his wife by HIS family. He was told how great it is to have kids blah blah, without being informed of any of the hardships.

He's happy to have his son and loves him, but if he could do it over he'd wait a bit more.

This feeling occurs when you want kids yourself without any pressure. Telling you this from experience.....

Claven said:
It boggles the mind how can you avoid being informed of what parenthood entails, in this day and age.

Imo, there's nothing that actually prepares you that isn't already experience being a parent. You can read all the books you want, you will find yourself unprepared a lot and feeling despair real fast. Kids are fucking hard.

BlackNMild2k1 · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Is that not evidence of a toxic relationship?

this still likely ends up with a kid caught in the middle. really complicates things for all involved.
you get pressured/tricked into taking on a responsibility you didn't want, and now, even if you end up loving the result, you hate/distrust the person that pressured you into it.

Deleted member 41502 · Dec 21, 2019

I had a friend (f) who told me she knew a girl who did this once. Poke holes in condoms or whatnot. It was a "my brother and thinks she did this just to force him to marry her" thing.

I don't really run with anyone who would do this. Either shame you for not having kids or trick you into having them. You run with shitty people.

I do know a guy who got a vasectomy without ever talking to his wife first. They have three kids already, but not talking to your wife before getting surgery is weird.

bangai-o · Dec 21, 2019

I dont know if it's "tricked" as much as pressured. Men pressure women too, of course. Guys get a woman pregnant in order to lock them into the relationship.

Friskyrum · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

Shit like this is why Men just bottle up shit and don't talk about things....

Maybe actually read the OP instead of just jumping the gun to get first post.

Mizeris Lutz Ether Lanai · Dec 21, 2019

Literally had an ex desperate for kids put me in a scissor lock with her legs at the moment of climax. I was strong enough to get out but she gave me this wounded look after.

When we broke up she found another guy in 2 weeks and was married with a kid on the way within 6 months.

Sordid Plebeian · Dec 21, 2019

You mean like having a hole poked in a condom? That shit keeps me up at night

dragonbane · Dec 21, 2019

Yeah I have a partially unwanted half sister. My dad got tricked, but she broke up with him soon after as she wanted to have the child, but not him, but she assumed responsibility. Still very shitty ofc.

Sordid Plebeian said:
You mean like having a hole poked in a condom? That shit keeps me up at night

Stopped taking the pill without communication in my Dad's case

Samanosuke Akechi · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

Seriously?

BringBackSonics · Dec 21, 2019

Khanimus said:
Women are tricked and pressured into having kids all the time, all over the fucking world.

This anecdotal strawman you've proposed as evidence of the victimhood of men being 'tricked' by some toxic relationship doesn't change that.

Pretty much this.

Edit: Don't want the kid, then keep it wrapped.

Astraea · Dec 21, 2019

Claven said:
It boggles the mind how can you avoid being informed of what parenthood entails, in this day and age.

Oh absolutely. I get he trusts his family and loves his wife, but this is a life changing decision and the internet is at your fingertips.

It's so typical though of couples feeling pressure to have kids.

mangopositive · Dec 21, 2019

I didn't want kids, but I did want to keep my wife. So we tried. Imagine my relief when I found out I have low counts and motility! But it was driving my wife to severe depression. So we did IVF and it worked. I now have a 4 year old and he's my favorite person in the world. I would take on a grizzly with my bare hands to save him. So the pressure wasnt mean... it was just a pressure not to have a depressed wife. I made a good choice.

BlackNMild2k1 · Dec 21, 2019

Tbm24 said:
Tbh as a parent, there's no being tricked into being a parent, because you're never fucking ready for it before it happens regardless. Yes there's pressure to have children from society at large, but that pressure is several orders of magnitude harsher on women and heavier. They also are dealt the worst card of parenthood from all facets.

The premise of this thread is flawed in my eyes.

Wow, I have several stories of several people being "tricked" into being parent.

One woman lied about being pregnant already, using fake pregnancy test to trick bf into stop using the condoms
another was poking holes in the condoms in hopes that it would happen anyway
others have straight up lied about being on birth control (the man should still take precautions on his end as BC isn't 100% anyway)
and in a special case, there was a time where the man was raped in his sleep, and when he woke just before the climax of the event, he was in no position to stop what was already happening as it was too late.

so let's please abandon the "can't be tricked" argument.

MrCheezball · Dec 21, 2019

Samanosuke Akechi said:
My ex was baby crazy. She wanted nothing more than to have kids with me. I did not. But she got pregnant and mis carried. Got pregnant a second time with twins, lost one in the womb.

She was a crazy drug addict too but I wasn't. We got a divorce and she had the kid back in California with her family. But she couldn't stop doing drugs I was told and the state took her away and gave her up for adoption.

Before me, she also had two or three kids from previous relationships taken away as well. All due to drugs and booze.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Why didnt you take the child?

nightstalker962 · Dec 21, 2019

Mizeris Lutz Ether Lanai said:
Literally had an ex desperate for kids put me in a scissor lock with her legs at the moment of climax. I was strong enough to get out but she gave me this wounded look after.

When we broke up she found another guy in 2 weeks and was married with a kid on the way within 6 months.

Holy shit, I'd run so fast from that psycho.

Linkura · Dec 21, 2019

OP, very surprised you were even able to get a doctor to give you a vasectomy without any kids.

Baphomet · Dec 21, 2019

One of my exes tried to guilt me into having children once, it wasn't the catalyst to our breakup, but it was the beginning of me thinking "I don't think I want to be with this person forever..."

BlackNMild2k1 · Dec 21, 2019

Linkura said:
OP, very surprised you were even able to get a doctor to give you a vasectomy without any kids.

Why would you need kids to get a vasectomy? it's an optional and reverse-able surgery...

MrCibb · Dec 21, 2019

That pressure is common everywhere, yeah. There's people who have a "So when will you be having kids?" kind of attitude since, to them, it's expected of a hetero couple to have kids. As someone in a long-term relationship with no kids I get that kind of shit all the time from grandparents and what not.

I do know someone who got tricked, though. My mate got his girlfriend pregnant, baby was born, and she immediately separated from him days after leaving the hospital, told him she just wanted a kid and wanted him out of their life now, and he's been in and out of courts with her ever since. I had no idea that you don't have 50/50 care right out of the gate, he had to go to court just to have the right to see his son. Pretty fucked up.

Tbm24 · Dec 21, 2019

BlackNMild2k1 said:
Wow, I have several stories of several people being "tricked" into being parent.

One woman lied about being pregnant already, using fake pregnancy test to trick bf into stop using the condoms
another was poking holes in the condoms in hopes that it would happen anyway
others have straight up lied about being on birth control (the man should still take precautions on his end as BC isn't 100% anyway)
and in a special case, there was a time where the man was raped in his sleep, and when he woke in the middle of the event, he was in no position to stop what was already happening as it was too late.

so let's please abandon the "can't be tricked" argument.

I guess I spoke to generally as the OP wasn't describing such intense cases rather more the pressure surrounding having a child, particularly from family.

i can't really comment on what you've mentioned. I've never heard such stories before and I don't really know what to say about them. Short of that's awful.

BringBackSonics · Dec 21, 2019

ryutaro's mama said:
Not that simple when your SO wants kids.

I empathize but it is also the reason i made the choice to be fixed before having any kids. Makes those conversations a lot easier in dating.

If your SO wants kids and you don't, seems like that is a deal breaker, no?

I don't have patience for people that stay in a relationship where one spouse wants children and the other don't. End that shit early.

Sixfortyfive · Dec 21, 2019

My best friend of ~30 years briefly dated someone who only hooked up with him because she was already pregnant and needed someone to support her. She almost successfully tricked him into believing that the kid was his.

SpaceCrystal · Dec 21, 2019

nightstalker962 said:
Holy shit, I'd run so fast from that psycho.

They did break up with each other. Mizeris Lutz Ether Lanai was very lucky after what had happened.

Men being pressured or tricked into having kids

Do you know any men who were pressured or deceived into having kids?

Yes

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