She's was right over your shoulder as you typed this, wasn't she
j/k
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Long-term relationship/Married Era: How happy are you in your relationship?
- Thread starter Rivenblade
- Start date
j/k
Oh such an edgy cynical comment, you edgy cynic.
Some couples do just work. You find somebody who completes you and your life is never the same again. You want them to be happy and remain with you forever. They feel the same way.
I also voted 5/5 and this is basically the description of me and my wife. It makes me sad that some people are so jaded or cynical or unhappy themselves that they can't even fathom to believe that others can be in a happy healthy relationship long term.
How can you say this when you are not inside everyone's relationship?
OP
OP
I'm at 3/5 right now. We go through stretches where things are perfectly normal and happy and other stretches where I think we both wonder how we're together at all. The kids and house do give us a common focus and make us work hard to make it work, though. I just think our expectations of each other are different and feel that hers of me often aren't fair. But we're working on it.
We've been together that long too, married in 2000 though. Kids in 2005 and 2006. And your description of her being social and you and your alone time is the same as us as well.
I voted 4/5, we have our little arguments and occasional tension but always work it out, we're really good together and supportive of each other.
Or some of us have been through that rocky period and you're catching us on a rebound lol. My first 2-3 years of marriage was tough. We didn't have our finances right (we laugh that we're broke as fuck right now, but everyone is too), I had a to move with a huge commute to get to work adding to stress, and we got married and had a newborn 2 months later which is further stressful, and obviously being married is way different from Netflix and chilling for 4 years.
So yeah, in my estimation if you've made it beyond 3 years and can weather the small stuff, then yea 5/5 is entirely possible. There's literally nothing beyond cheating or some crazy life threatening medical emergency that can break our bond...we done been through everything else.
OP
OP
The fact that 85%+ of Era is perfectly happy or quite happy with their relationship really goes against divorce rates.
I totally agree.
My parents have been married 47 years and while they have had some issues (nothing major like cheating) and differences they are still very happily married and both love each other more than anything. They still walk and hold hands and sit on the couch watching TV with their arms around eachother. They got married when my dad was 22 and my mom was 20.
We both have personality traits that make us a PITA for each other sometimes. There have been situations where we both were frustrated and unwillingly took it out on the other person but it was never abusive, manipulative or malicious. And we've always had this rule that we talk about things that bother us until we find a solution. More than once we've asked ourselves how this relationship even works but it ultimately just boils down to honesty and communication.
She's my best friend, she's always got my back and I got hers. 4.5 out of 5, would ask out again.
She's my best friend, she's always got my back and I got hers. 4.5 out of 5, would ask out again.
4.5/5, I don't think a 5/5 exists but my wife is an amazing person and we have an amazing relationship. My only complaint is she hates video games so gives me shit about it, but hey what can ya do.
I put 4/5, but I'd really go 4.5/5. We are very happy.
We weren't always. About 4-5 years into out marriage (and 8 years into our relationship) we hit a rough patch. We really didn't argue for ourselves well and didn't resolve conflict well, so we avoided it and sat on a lot of stuff. Worked through that and learned how to argue responsibly and to a positive result. Made a huge difference.
We weren't always. About 4-5 years into out marriage (and 8 years into our relationship) we hit a rough patch. We really didn't argue for ourselves well and didn't resolve conflict well, so we avoided it and sat on a lot of stuff. Worked through that and learned how to argue responsibly and to a positive result. Made a huge difference.
He cant, but lying to yourself about how healthy a relationship is is also incredibly common. Like the problems arent real until you vocalize them. And once you vocalize them you're afraid that might mean you need to do something super scary, like leave something comfortable and special.
I'm not saying that to anyone here, more that I would've done that in my previous relationship, and have seen it many times in others.
EDIT: I voted 4. We're pretty good these days. Lowest point I would've given us a 2 maybe. No communication, not being open and honest, fighting. Having young kids, being sleep deprived, high stress, but we made it through!
I went with 4/5 - mainly for situational reasons rather than anything intrinsic to our relationship.
I'm 37; she's 33. We've been together just shy of 11 years, and married for nearly 7. We've lived together for 10 of those years. We have two kids: ages 2 and nearly 5. She's been a stay-at-home mum for the last 4 years, but essentially off work for about 5 years when maternity etc. is factored in. I run my own small business from home, although I do have to travel from the UK to America a couple of times a year. I've now worked from home full-time for about as long as we've been married.
As you might expect, most of the friction in our relationship comes from either money (we own a good proportion of our house, keep our outgoings under control, and have a year's salary put away as a safety buffer, but working for myself is anything but reliable cashflow-wise) or just the steady, grinding effect of sheer proximity; we are around each other 24 hours a day, probably 345 days a year.
That's where the minor squabbles come from, at least, but we've recently had a couple of more major... disagreements is the wrong word. Let's say conversations where we don't see eye-to-eye.
Long story short, my wife has recently started thinking about having a third baby someday, which is something we both agreed two years ago we were never going to do. I think this re-think has been sparked by the fact that our eldest starts school full-time in September, and that's prompted my wife to realise that there's a definite time limit on her time at home with the children. Now, I love kids and I think I'm a pretty involved dad (I get up at 5AM with our youngest every day, I'm always home for dinner and bedtimes, given I work just downstairs; I cook, I clean, I get the kids dressed) but I just don't want another one. Like, at all.
Let me explain that a bit. Our youngest was a hard baby, and for about 18 months I was sleeping maybe an hour a night - often on the floor - between doing night feeds, managing controlled crying and all that jazz. My wife is a great mum, but she's one of those people who turns into a complete monster without sleep, so I took over all the nighttime duties with both kids. That ended up having a big knock-on effect on my energy levels and my work. You can look at a graph of my business revenue from before our second was born to today, and there's a massive chasm for nearly a full year where I was basically asleep on my feet.
Honestly, It feels like I'm only just recovering from the second baby and getting my health and my zest for work back. And maybe this is being selfish, but I'm not sure I could do it again. I mean I would if it happened, obviously, but I definitely wouldn't choose it. And I know a third baby might not be as hard as our youngest was, but there are no guarantees in that regard.
There's also the added complication that, as the one who's bringing in income, if we're going to move into a bigger house in a couple of years - once both kids are in school - then I need to push my revenue higher. If we had another baby, I just don't see that happening. Plus, of course, if we didn't have another, my wife could either return to her old job (paediatric nurse) or start a new career in a couple of years, and we would stand an even better chance of getting a decent mortgage on a bigger place with two incomes to show.
This has ended up being a bit of a brain dump, but it actually felt good to write it all out. When I look back at it all, these are just standard, middle-aged problems, but as happy as we are day-to-day (and we are, otherwise being together 24/7 would have broken us a long time ago) I feel like there's this big thing waiting in the background to disrupt our relationship when we talk about it again.
I'm 37; she's 33. We've been together just shy of 11 years, and married for nearly 7. We've lived together for 10 of those years. We have two kids: ages 2 and nearly 5. She's been a stay-at-home mum for the last 4 years, but essentially off work for about 5 years when maternity etc. is factored in. I run my own small business from home, although I do have to travel from the UK to America a couple of times a year. I've now worked from home full-time for about as long as we've been married.
As you might expect, most of the friction in our relationship comes from either money (we own a good proportion of our house, keep our outgoings under control, and have a year's salary put away as a safety buffer, but working for myself is anything but reliable cashflow-wise) or just the steady, grinding effect of sheer proximity; we are around each other 24 hours a day, probably 345 days a year.
That's where the minor squabbles come from, at least, but we've recently had a couple of more major... disagreements is the wrong word. Let's say conversations where we don't see eye-to-eye.
Long story short, my wife has recently started thinking about having a third baby someday, which is something we both agreed two years ago we were never going to do. I think this re-think has been sparked by the fact that our eldest starts school full-time in September, and that's prompted my wife to realise that there's a definite time limit on her time at home with the children. Now, I love kids and I think I'm a pretty involved dad (I get up at 5AM with our youngest every day, I'm always home for dinner and bedtimes, given I work just downstairs; I cook, I clean, I get the kids dressed) but I just don't want another one. Like, at all.
Let me explain that a bit. Our youngest was a hard baby, and for about 18 months I was sleeping maybe an hour a night - often on the floor - between doing night feeds, managing controlled crying and all that jazz. My wife is a great mum, but she's one of those people who turns into a complete monster without sleep, so I took over all the nighttime duties with both kids. That ended up having a big knock-on effect on my energy levels and my work. You can look at a graph of my business revenue from before our second was born to today, and there's a massive chasm for nearly a full year where I was basically asleep on my feet.
Honestly, It feels like I'm only just recovering from the second baby and getting my health and my zest for work back. And maybe this is being selfish, but I'm not sure I could do it again. I mean I would if it happened, obviously, but I definitely wouldn't choose it. And I know a third baby might not be as hard as our youngest was, but there are no guarantees in that regard.
There's also the added complication that, as the one who's bringing in income, if we're going to move into a bigger house in a couple of years - once both kids are in school - then I need to push my revenue higher. If we had another baby, I just don't see that happening. Plus, of course, if we didn't have another, my wife could either return to her old job (paediatric nurse) or start a new career in a couple of years, and we would stand an even better chance of getting a decent mortgage on a bigger place with two incomes to show.
This has ended up being a bit of a brain dump, but it actually felt good to write it all out. When I look back at it all, these are just standard, middle-aged problems, but as happy as we are day-to-day (and we are, otherwise being together 24/7 would have broken us a long time ago) I feel like there's this big thing waiting in the background to disrupt our relationship when we talk about it again.
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Happily Engaged, purchasing our first house, she's my best friend and I love her more than anything
Had to vote for 4/5 because the only thing we don't perfectly mesh on is sex.
I.e. The sex is amazing, but I want it more often then she does. Which is fine, but sometimes I wind up with Blue balls
Had to vote for 4/5 because the only thing we don't perfectly mesh on is sex.
I.e. The sex is amazing, but I want it more often then she does. Which is fine, but sometimes I wind up with Blue balls
We just separated a few days ago, but in the hopes of us both reconnecting with the things that make us more complete independently. It's been a hard few days ago, basically working to separate everything, but we've been very compassionate and patient with each other through it.
5 years married, two children. I'm pretty darned happy, but two small children will inevitably cause some stresses, so I put 4/5, but it's closer to a 4.75. Married life is what I hoped it would be and more.
On some people finding issue with the 5/5 answers, plenty of people can be and are perfectly content. Having minor squabbles like dishes, etc. doesn't diminish from a 5/5 relationship.
On some people finding issue with the 5/5 answers, plenty of people can be and are perfectly content. Having minor squabbles like dishes, etc. doesn't diminish from a 5/5 relationship.
Went 4/5 because of the occasional argument and tough spot, but objectively I'm incredibly lucky to have found someone who can bear with me... Been married for 15 years, 2 children (16 and 12), and all is going well so far.
Been together 11 years, living together for close to 6 and married for 4.
As I don't believe any relationship can be perfect, I voted 4/5. We (very rarely) have a little argument, but never really big fights. We can get annoyed with each other from time to time, depening on how stressed, tired, whatever we are, but that's life and we both understand this is part of sharing your life with someone.
As I don't believe any relationship can be perfect, I voted 4/5. We (very rarely) have a little argument, but never really big fights. We can get annoyed with each other from time to time, depening on how stressed, tired, whatever we are, but that's life and we both understand this is part of sharing your life with someone.
People in shitty situations, shitty jobs, shitty relationships, etc. are going to be less likely to post about it leading to a skewed thread and poll.
Thats why when you ask people to post their car you are going to see a bunch of Audis and other nice cars and not too many 25 year old civics.
On topic, super happy with my wife. I don't know about the numbering system. There is always a lot of compromise in a successful relationship and I think your happiness or feelings of contentment changes day to day. All I can say is that my life is definitely way better as a result of our relationship.
OP
OP
To the 0/5, I'm so sorry and hope you find the strength, support, and resources to make it out safely.
OP
OP
Perfectly happy.
I seriously fucking lucked out. No idea how I managed or deserve her. My first marriage had issues, but after divorcing and finding this woman it was like putting in a fucking cheat code for life. She's amazing, empathetic, and we're both so respectful and in awe of each other.
We've been together about 6 years now and married for 2. We just had our first child 9 and a half months ago and I seriously couldn't love her more than now. The things she goes through for this little guy and for us are just amazing. She's the best partner I could ask for in raising a child. It's hard as fuck at times, but we are a crazy good partnership. I have no clue how people without a solid relationship do this.
Any 'issue' I may have is so fucking ridiculously minor it would be hilarious in the grand scheme of things. Things never get heated and we pretty much never argue. Sure we disagree a bit on some things but as I said we both love and respect each other and our opinions so much it never turns to resentment or something worse.
I seriously fucking lucked out. No idea how I managed or deserve her. My first marriage had issues, but after divorcing and finding this woman it was like putting in a fucking cheat code for life. She's amazing, empathetic, and we're both so respectful and in awe of each other.
We've been together about 6 years now and married for 2. We just had our first child 9 and a half months ago and I seriously couldn't love her more than now. The things she goes through for this little guy and for us are just amazing. She's the best partner I could ask for in raising a child. It's hard as fuck at times, but we are a crazy good partnership. I have no clue how people without a solid relationship do this.
Any 'issue' I may have is so fucking ridiculously minor it would be hilarious in the grand scheme of things. Things never get heated and we pretty much never argue. Sure we disagree a bit on some things but as I said we both love and respect each other and our opinions so much it never turns to resentment or something worse.
Put me in for a 3/5. A lot of ups and a lot of downs. We both are quick to get agitated and are not the easiest of people, as such we get into a lot of small arguments about things that are not that important in the grand scheme of things. We also tend to have a lot of arguments about finances as we're not fully aligned on the things we value most in life. We love each other though and we make it work.
Hey, what do you mean
Everything is true
Let's not second-guess someone's post
Please
Man, it's great to be married
Everyone should do it
Divorce rates have been going down. That divorce rate stat also includes those that remarry. The divorce rate increase every subsequent marriage.
Well put. Nothing is perfect in this world but you if you are going to judge things you have to base it on how well it works for you. It's like GamePro's old "fun factor" rating except applied to relationships.
As for me, I know that my wife and I are much better people and much happier together than we are apart. For that I feel very blessed.
I'm at about 2.75, I don't hate my wife but I've gotten more easily annoyed in my mid 30's.
But then again I find life in general to be about a 2.75, so its probably not her just a combination of me finding life kinda redundant and pointless but I gotta keep trucking on because I don't want to make people sad.
But then again I find life in general to be about a 2.75, so its probably not her just a combination of me finding life kinda redundant and pointless but I gotta keep trucking on because I don't want to make people sad.
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i see what you did there.
Hey, what do you mean
Everything is true
Let's not second-guess someone's post
Please
Man, it's great to be married
Everyone should do it
Everything is true
Let's not second-guess someone's post
Please
Man, it's great to be married
Everyone should do it
Couldn't be happier. My wife is such an amazing person and I'm still not sure how I ended up with her. Right from the day we met we've had an amazing rapport and that hasn't changed a bit.
Yeah, 5/5 doesn't mean flawless. Just because I voted 5/5 doesn't mean my wife and I have never quibbled or had a serious argument. You can be perfectly happy and then things can happen where you butt heads, it's just natural when two people live together for a long time and have to make compromises.
I put 5/5, we have had about 3 arguments in the last 18 years, been married for almost 10 years now. I'll support my wife in anything she wants to do and she will do the same for me, we are best friends and have been for pretty much all of those 18 years.
I don't understand the concept of having to work at relationships, my wife and i just get on with each other really well and there isn't anything to really work at other than infrequent stress from outside factors like work/pets/family.
I don't understand the concept of having to work at relationships, my wife and i just get on with each other really well and there isn't anything to really work at other than infrequent stress from outside factors like work/pets/family.
We met in 1983 and have been married 34 years. She goes swimming in the North Sea on summer mornings, in her seventies. So no mistaking, this is an extraordinary human being who has permitted me to warm myself in the glow of her hearth. My marriage has been far beyond my wildest dreams.
User Banned (Permanent): Misogynistic rhetoric, multiple severe prior infractions
I have been inside and privy to many people's relationships. People generally struggle. What amazes me is how most people in this thread gloss over it so easily.
The funny thing about relationships is how they can go from 5/5 to 2/5 in an instant. Say your girlfriend loses her father or someone close to them and then they suddenly change. Most women with children go through chemical changes where they are predisposed to share emotions with their children while neglecting the husband - happens all the time. I've seen it everywhere.
I've literally talked to thousands of women. That is not hyperbole. I've talked to them candidly about their wants/needs, their relationships, their struggles. I've done this since I was a teen and I am almost 38 years old. Thousands.....no exaggeration.
In my experience people paint rosy colors on their relationships to strangers - I know this for a fact because most women would do just that and then eventually become honest with me over time and the actual picture would become clear. Lots of women have cheated on their partners (sometimes with me) because they simply were not happy.
Don't conflate happiness and love. I love my wife. We are often unhappy because of the circumstances of our lives. We do our best - sometimes our personalities work to sabotage happiness if it appears. We work through it.
My parents love each other. They fight and bicker all of the time.
My wife's parents divorced and remarried to other partners. Each of them struggle with their partners.
My wife's best friend struggles with her partner.
My wife's other friend had a partner die on her due to alcoholism and remarried - has struggles
My wife's other friend has someone who have anger issues and destroys stuff in the house.
My best friend has struggled
My other married friend struggles sometimes.
My grandparents struggled when they were alive.
...
I don't know a single relationship I've ever encountered in my life personally or by proxy that was a 5/5 or even a 4/5. Maybe young me when I first met my wife, but like I said all new relationships are 5/5 until the moment they aren't and we almost never can see the deep water from far away - it almost always smacks us in the face suddenly.
So for those of you who claim to be 5/5 or even 4/5 and claim so honestly and with no naivete - enjoy it while it lasts. Truly. What you have is rare.
As someone has already remarked, the poll design is prone to survivor bias. People recovering from a marriage that ended in separation will tend to opt themselves out because the question implicitly excludes them.
Been with her for 28 years, so I guess our relationship is due to explode any minute!
Seriously, it wasn't always a 4 or 5. We had a few years of a middling relationship, and then a brief period where I thought we were over. Then we figured it out and have been crazy satisfied with each other since. No, we aren't always happy, but we are almost always happy with each other.
Deliriously happy. I will pass away within hours if she goes first, the loss will be that heavy.
That's the thing - relationships are really a learning experience about yourself and loving others for who they are. That's not always an easy process. For those saying they never struggled - let's say for the sake of argument they are telling the truth and not naive. Do they have the personality of cattle or a golden retriever? Maybe they are so go with the flow they don't give a shit and are just happy to have a partner. I could totally buy that.
My daughter will just annoy the hell out of the dog and it simply doesn't care. Maybe that personality type explains the prevalence of the 5/5.
OP
OP
I'm in the same boat. The only 5/5 I know is my sister and her boyfriend. Otherwise...
My parents should have divorced at least fifteen years ago
My in-laws barely talk to each other outside of practical stuff and I've never seen them hug one another. Have seen my mom-in-law recoil with her tongue out when kissed once, though
My office mate complains about his wife daily
My best friend hasn't had sex with his wife in a couple of years and they get on each other's nerves
My wife's friends have sought couples therapy (good for them)
Another set of my wife's friends are stuck with a kid and the husband hasn't worked in months due to disability. The wife considered leaving at one point
But yeah, the 5/5s here, if they're true 5/5s, are incredibly lucky and what they have is super rare.
