Life in 2020 is exhausting and soul crushing

[Jack Bauer]

I know this has been a tough year for everyone but this has probably been the worst seven months of life I've ever experienced. And that's saying something considering I had one of the shittiest childhoods you could imagine.

I have tried everything to mitigate my depression and PTSD. Counseling, medication, living off the grid in some of America's most beautiful National Parks.

My resume reads like it's a bucket list. I'm currently in Alaska. Moved here from the Grand Canyon. I should feel like I'm on top of the world.

But I don't. I feel nothing except bouts of anxiety and panic. I overthink everything and that leads to me being very uncomfortable in social settings. People don't see who I really am because I hide.

I'm brilliant and creative but I've had writer's block for a decade. Can't break it.

I'm lonely af.

This isn't anything new that people on here haven't posted about before. But I've pushed just about everyone away and I don't know why. My best friend won't talk to me anymore.

And right around the time COVID broke out, I was thrust into a situation where I had to perform CPR on a co-worker. He died. I didn't process it at all. Didn't want grief counseling. I've had enough therapy for one lifetime as is.

So I drove across the country twice in May. Aimlessly. Spent all my cash, cut myself off from the world.

I came here to right the ship and for about a week I thought I was on track. Now I feel the impending darkness closing in again.

Anyway I'm not feeling suicidal but I needed to vent. I'm tired. I just don't know anymore.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Elrid]

Know those feelings you are not alone.

I've wanted to do what you did so bad, know in the current circumstances it will only get me so far and I'll be right back where I am at. But gotta say you did it! and thanks for the perspective. It's all we can do is try and get out.

 

[Jack Bauer]

Know those feelings you are not alone.

Click to shrink...

Lately I feel like talking about any of this with anyone just reinforces my belief that I have boundary issues and so I don't talk about it.

 

[nsilvias]

im mentally drained these last couple months. not even sleep helps tbh
i kinda feel like im just waiting for something to happen that isnt going to happen soon

 

[Pomerlaw]

Don't know what to say.. But hang on guys. Don't lose hope. And don't be afraid to seek professional help.

 

[Mekanos]

I think it is important to remember that many, many people are feeling what you are feeling. This is true at any given time, but right now, with everything going on in 2020, very few people are handling what is going on well. You are not alone. I have been reflecting on similar feelings the last few days. Take care of yourself. Do things that make you feel happy, but also look after your own mental health. You can't, and shouldn't, carry the burden of the world's problems. Look after yourself first and foremost.

Consider unplugging from the news for a little while. It's a constant feedback loop of negative engagement that makes you feel powerless but addicted. That isn't to say you shouldn't care what's going on in the world, but there's no point if constantly reading and digesting it is actively harming you.

EDIT: Also, you definitely 100% should look into grief counseling. Skipping it is a mistake. What you experienced was a trauma.

 

[Betty]

Bit of a common answer but have you considered getting a pet? It'll help with the loneliness and give you a lot of joy.

 

[Jack Bauer]

EDIT: Also, you definitely 100% should look into grief counseling. Skipping it is a mistake. What you experienced was a trauma.

Click to shrink...

It was part of my job. That's what I had the CPR training for. I did not want to admit I couldn't handle something like that. Even now I'm hesitant because it's been months. I should be over it by now.

 

[Dalek]

I feel just flat out exhausted everyday. I haven't worked since May 1st and I'm furloughed. I have no idea when they're calling me back and when I read the news everyday that hint we are heading for another shut down it seems further and further away.

Everyday I just get exhausted and ready for bed after only being awake for about 10 hours.

 

[Mekanos]

It was part of my job. That's what I had the CPR training for. I did not want to be the guy who admitted I couldn't handle something like that. Even now I'm hesitant because it's been months. I should be over it by now.

Click to shrink...

You should never, ever feel shame for how you handle your grief and trauma. It doesn't matter if you "should" be over it. You should seek help to process it, because that sort of thing is too intense to handle on your own.

 

[Kensation]

This too shall pass.

 

[Jack Bauer]

Bit of a common answer but have you considered getting a pet? It'll help with the loneliness and give you a lot of joy.

Click to shrink...

I move and travel way too much and most of my housing is employer provided so pets aren't allowed. Maybe if I planted my feet somewhere. But that always freaks me out.

 

[Jack Bauer]

You should never, ever feel shame for how you handle your grief and trauma. It doesn't matter if you "should" be over it. You should seek help to process it, because that sort of thing is too intense to handle on your own.

Click to shrink...

It certainly caused my panic attacks to get worse. Death has been on my mind constantly.

I think you're probably right about counseling but I always feel worse when I do that.

 

[Minthara]

I definitely feel that way. Found out this morning that one of our dogs has cancer (lymphoma in the throat) and it just about broke me.

This year just doesn't stop.

 

[Mekanos]

It certainly caused my panic attacks to get worse. Death has been on my mind constantly.

I think you're probably right about counseling but I always feel worse when I do that.

Click to shrink...

Please seek counseling. It sounds like you seriously need it. I'm speaking as a fellow poster that I am concerned about you.

 

[Novoitus]

yeah it's been terrible. start of the year my girlfriend's grandfather died. in march my best friend of 15 years died. haven't been working or doing shit for the last 4 months.

 

[ExoExplorer]

It was part of my job. That's what I had the CPR training for. I did not want to admit I couldn't handle something like that. Even now I'm hesitant because it's been months. I should be over it by now.

Click to shrink...

"Should be over it" is never something somebody should think in the face of how they're feeling. You can't control how that type of event impacted you, and definitely shouldn't feel shame in contacting outside help. It's what grief counseling is for. Nobody's superman.

 

[Elrid]

Yeah counseling... Not against it, but has never worked for me... It's always just a second opinion to what I know already.

 

[Heraldic]

Yeah, this year is unlike anything I've ever been through. It started half way through 2019. First, my dog of 13 years died. Then my mother in law had emergency surgery. Then I had nonstop diarrhea and became very ill. Was first diagnosed with C.diff. Then I was diagnosed with crohns disease, and told that eventually I'll have to have my intestines surgically removed and live with a stomach bag if the injections stop working. Went through several antibiotics and many procedures. I lost over 80 pounds from being ill.

Then everything at my job changed for the worse, and permanently. Then my whole family got Covid. Then my Mother in law was hospitalized again. My wife's health is still poor this entire time, requiring surgery as well. All of this was back to back starting mid 2019 to today. I'm using an inhaler right now due to Covid, and I've never had to use an inhaler my entire life. It's unbelievable what has been thrown at us. I question everything at this point.

It is true what they say though. Adversity does make you stronger. Although I'm not sure if it's strength, or after going so long without being able to breathe you just become numb.

 

[Jack Bauer]

"Should be over it" is never something somebody should think in the face of how they're feeling. You can't control how that type of event impacted you, and definitely shouldn't feel shame in contacting outside help. It's what grief counseling is for. Nobody's superman.

Click to shrink...

Yeah but I've experienced so much trauma in this life that I really should not have this be the thing that finally breaks me.

But unfortunately I feel as though I'm having little control over what gets to me lately.

 

[Jack Bauer]

I definitely feel that way. Found out this morning that one of our dogs has cancer (lymphoma in the throat) and it just about broke me.

This year just doesn't stop.

Click to shrink...

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

 

[Mekanos]

Yeah but I've experienced so much trauma in this life that I really should not have this be the thing that finally breaks me.

But unfortunately I feel as though I'm having little control over what gets to me lately.

Click to shrink...

Be kinder to yourself. Trauma and grief isn't a numbers game, where you build up enough and you're good for life. Some things set us off differently, but 100% what you experienced would be traumatic for almost anybody.

 

[ExoExplorer]

Yeah but I've experienced so much trauma in this life that I really should not have this be the thing that finally breaks me.

But unfortunately I feel as though I'm having little control over what gets to me lately.

Click to shrink...

Wouldn't that be all the more reason to seek out help? Going numb to it so to speak, isn't healthy. Or at least trying to find an outlet would be better.

 

[Jack Bauer]

Please seek counseling. It sounds like you seriously need it. I'm speaking as a fellow poster that I am concerned about you.

Click to shrink...

I understand and appreciate the concern but honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that important. And I can't see myself going through another round of therapy and digging up a bunch of old traumas to deal with the new one.

I'm just going to have to wait it out. Either I get better eventually or I succumb and die. That's just where I'm at in life.

 

[Forerunner]

Besides Covid-19 almost killing me early this year, it has been pretty good. I could have gave up after that, but I dug down deep and came back and I'm better than I was before in some sense. Setbacks lead to breakthroughs. Life is hard, nobody ever said it would be easy. Everyday the universe tries to kill us, but we fight back defiantly. Never give up, rage against the dying of light.

 

[Deleted member 12028]

Feel ya man. I'm struggling too. MIL has stage 4 cancer and my wife can't go back to her native country to see her atm. Everything is a mess in general and throw corona virus and social isolation on top of it.

My wife is trying to go back to be with her mom which means I'll be a lone parent with a young one for awhile and I'm supposed to work too. Her mind is there and her body is here anyway right now. Probably going to have to go on leave or something as it's hard to keep a kid of this age busy and entertained as it is. And then it's a huge risk for her to travel and maybe get corona on top of it + having to potentially quarantine for weeks.

This has easily been the worst year of my life.

 

[Mekanos]

I understand and appreciate the concern but honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that important.

Click to shrink...

Wrong. You aren't more or less important than anybody else. You exist, you matter, and you deserve to be healthy. Stop justifying not taking care of yourself. You deserve better than that.

 

[Bentendo24]

It's been an awful year. Today I lost it at work, and I'm feeling particularly down on myself today because of it.

 

[ExoExplorer]

I understand and appreciate the concern but honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that important. And I can't see myself going through another round of therapy and digging up a bunch of old traumas to deal with the new one.

I'm just going to have to wait it out. Either I get better eventually or I succumb and die. That's just where I'm at in life.

Click to shrink...

If you don't feel mentally ready for more therapy, I wouldn't force it. But know there will always be people willing to talk. If not in counseling, elsewhere. I'm rooting for you.

 

[TransEuropaExpress]

Yeah but I've experienced so much trauma in this life that I really should not have this be the thing that finally breaks me.

But unfortunately I feel as though I'm having little control over what gets to me lately.

Click to shrink...

I'm in the same boat but this whole thing has been like a giant fucking beacon shining on all those things for me. It's just compounding it somehow and I've never had to spend so much time with it all alone in my head without distractions. I hate it.

 

[Davidion]

It's hard out there, understandably and incomprehensibly so.

Hang in there and more importantly, forgive yourself. Lots of people are going through things with you whether you know it or not.

 

[Wrapped in Black]

Just know that you aren't the only one who feels this way. Many of us feel powerless. I won't say something like "Don't worry, I know things will get better." Because it just feels disingenuous.

But I hear you, OP. And I hear everyone else in the thread. I don't know how to say something positive that comes from an authentic place. So I'll just say: we're in this together. We can do our best to carry on, together.

 

[fleet]

I understand and appreciate the concern but honestly, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that important. And I can't see myself going through another round of therapy and digging up a bunch of old traumas to deal with the new one.

I'm just going to have to wait it out. Either I get better eventually or I succumb and die. That's just where I'm at in life.

Click to shrink...

i got good and bad news for you. the bad news is you sound wickedly, horridly depressed. i wanna give you a hug, dude, you really sound like you're struggling atm. i'm sorry you're going through this.

the good news is you're depressed. depression is a treatable condition that you can recover from. and while i don't want to make light of what you're going through at all, depression also makes us view things a lot worse than they have to be. i know that's not helpful right now when you feel like shit, but you're not always going to feel like this.

like other ppl have said, i would encourage you to seek therapy again. it sounds like you didn't really have a fantastic experience with it previously, but i think it's important to keep in mind that it can take time to find a therapist that fits with you and really gets you. take care of yourself op cos you deserve it.

 

[Moose the Fattest Cat]

I can relate! I was in a blocked space for a couple of years until recently-ish. What I learned with myself is that I had doors in my mind I was keeping locked. And I kept trying NOT to think about the unopened doors, to convince myself I had already figured things out enough or that it was not worth considering or something, not listening to the intuition more... At some point, I gave myself permission to do things a little differently, in small ways.

OK for me it was like this. I figured I'm either procrastinating or I am writing. This, now, is procrastinating. In a way it's also prewriting; building up the WPM just by getting conversational with your fingers and linking it to your mind -- stream of consciousness writing, just journaling. But you have to allow yourself to go wherever you want to, as frivolous or stupid as it is. And what really helps is if those dumb frivolous things can be FINISHED and SHARED and PRACTICAL in a sense ... it's also the appeal of posting on social, or on message boards. At the very least, when I have finished this thought, I can hit Post Reply (and then probably, inevitably, edit) and feel that little rush of accomplishment.

But again, posting on MBs is not my purpose or mission or career. This is all procrastination. But once I began to sort of accept that as part of the process and embrace it, it then translated into interesting conversations in journaling — you become interested in your own voice again, because you have learned that you DON'T know everything, you CAN'T know everything, and even just WITHIN yourself there are SO MANY unquestioned assumptions and patterns and so forth... existential questions are great! So once you're in that conversation, it is only a skip away from translating it into some kind of THING that can have form.

But the problem is probably that what you want to write and say is not what you "should" be working on. In some way like that, my bet is you're twisting up your spirit tubes and not just letting your curiosity lead the way with your writing.

A hard question that you might be avoiding, it was for me, is Why? Like, why bother? In a sense it was my depression talking. Absolutely there is a HUGE difference being off SSRIs and on them. So getting back on stable SSRI regularly helped to provide some energy to spend. But there was still the Why? that scratched underneath, always, which is obviously something only you can answer for yourself (the two "you"s) and also something that can change until you find a reason that feels deeply true instead of just a good conclusion.

For as much as 2020 seems dire, I think it's a matter of perspective. Yes things are worse than ever in a lot of obvious ways, but there's also the view that, we are all now as a human society far more AWARE of what is bad, why its bad, how it became bad, and able to discuss and organize and consider and share ideas in ways that were unimaginable at any other tumultuous time.

Also I recommend the School Of Life channel on youtube for these moods. And now post reply.

 

[Keywork]

This year has been shit for me as well. It's an extension of 2019 to a certain extent.

1. My wife broke her ribs last year and was bed-ridden for months in mid-2019.
2. Starting in November she started getting severely sick to her stomach and unable to keep food and drink down. At this time her panic attacks surfaced and developed a panic disorder and PTSD associated with sexual assault while hospitalized for dehydration.
3. On February 3rd her continued lack of eating and drinking culminated in a major medical event that required EMS transport to the ER as she had become catatonic.
4. She was rushed to the ICU in the following days as they found what looked to be a blood clot in her brain
5. She was diagnosed with life-threatening depletion of her B vitamins, specifically Thiamine (B1).
6. She started to recover due to IV Thiamine and other B vitamin supplements being administered.
7. They also discovered she had demyelination of her nerves in her spinal column.
8. She had to go to the rehab unit of the hospital to begin physical, occupational, and speech therapy as she lost her ability to walk and had her cognitive abilities impacted as a result of her brain injury.
9. She was then sent to a skilled nursing facility (a nursing home) to receive more rehabilitation.
10. Both my grandparents passed within 2 weeks of each other, luckily it wasn't related to Covid.

She is home now and is getting rehabilitation services in the home. She is in a wheelchair. She is recovering and the outlook is positive that she will regain her ability to walk under her own power. Her cognitive abilities are recovering as well and that will just take time to work itself out, but that outlook is very positive as well. We are hoping she might be able to go back to school and either finish her Master's degree or continue on in her PhD program that had to come to a halt for the time being.

The positive out of all of this is that her personality is intact and she does remember stuff that happened up until fall of 2019 and even that is slowly coming back as well.

 

[Jack Bauer]

I can relate! I was in a blocked space for a couple of years until recently-ish. What I learned with myself is that I had doors in my mind I was keeping locked. And I kept trying NOT to think about the unopened doors, to convince myself I had already figured things out enough or that it was not worth considering or something, not listening to the intuition more... At some point, I gave myself permission to do things a little differently, in small ways.

OK for me it was like this. I figured I'm either procrastinating or I am writing. This, now, is procrastinating. In a way it's also prewriting; building up the WPM just by getting conversational with your fingers and linking it to your mind -- stream of consciousness writing, just journaling. But you have to allow yourself to go wherever you want to, as frivolous or stupid as it is. And what really helps is if those dumb frivolous things can be FINISHED and SHARED and PRACTICAL in a sense ... it's also the appeal of posting on social, or on message boards. At the very least, when I have finished this thought, I can hit Post Reply (and then probably, inevitably, edit) and feel that little rush of accomplishment.

But again, posting on MBs is not my purpose or mission or career. This is all procrastination. But once I began to sort of accept that as part of the process and embrace it, it then translated into interesting conversations in journaling — you become interested in your own voice again, because you have learned that you DON'T know everything, you CAN'T know everything, and even just WITHIN yourself there are SO MANY unquestioned assumptions and patterns and so forth... existential questions are great! So once you're in that conversation, it is only a skip away from translating it into some kind of THING that can have form.

But the problem is probably that what you want to write and say is not what you "should" be working on. In some way like that, my bet is you're twisting up your spirit tubes and not just letting your curiosity lead the way with your writing.

A hard question that you might be avoiding, it was for me, is Why? Like, why bother? In a sense it was my depression talking. Absolutely there is a HUGE difference being off SSRIs and on them. So getting back on stable SSRI regularly helped to provide some energy to spend. But there was still the Why? that scratched underneath, always, which is obviously something only you can answer for yourself (the two "you"s) and also something that can change until you find a reason that feels deeply true instead of just a good conclusion.

For as much as 2020 seems dire, I think it's a matter of perspective. Yes things are worse than ever in a lot of obvious ways, but there's also the view that, we are all now as a human society far more AWARE of what is bad, why its bad, how it became bad, and able to discuss and organize and consider and share ideas in ways that were unimaginable at any other tumultuous time.

Also I recommend the School Of Life channel on youtube for these moods. And now post reply.

Click to shrink...

Thank you for this.

Because of your post and others in this thread, I have taken it upon myself to schedule a consultation with a clinical psychologist for possible medication. Have to do it online and have it shipped to me since I'm way out in the Alaskan wilderness but at least it's something.

I also plan to seek counseling the same way.

As for the writing, I have an awful habit of comparing everything I write to other works. I then toss it if it seems subpar. I am stuck in a perpetual negative feedback loop and it's hard to break.

I have pondered if the suppression of creative juices is making the depression worse. I imagine it is. Expression is important.

 

[Moose the Fattest Cat]

Thank you for this.

Because of your post and others in this thread, I have taken it upon myself to schedule a consultation with a clinical psychologist for possible medication. Have to do it online and have it shipped to me since I'm way out in the Alaskan wilderness but at least it's something.

I also plan to seek counseling the same way.

As for the writing, I have an awful habit of comparing everything I write to other works. I then toss it if it seems subpar. I am stuck in a perpetual negative feedback loop and it's hard to break.

I have pondered if the suppression of creative juices is making the depression worse. I imagine it is. Expression is important.

Click to shrink...

Yup, it's the depression. Be patient with the medicine and with yourself. Your first goal is to remember your own value. Forget the "you" of questioning your value, and ask what is the most basic level of respect one deserves, and why wouldn't you apply it to yourself, especially when you need a friend? And when what "you" need is a friend/listener, then the you that is capable of constructing the you outside of the you (you know what I mean), can be that listener/friend to yourself. Just journaling, basically.

Oh actually I just remembered another "procrastination" pre writing technique that helped me A TON get over the mental hurdle (besides the SSRIs). You can do this tonight.

Pick something you love. Maybe something that is even inspiring your current project. Let's say it's Back to the Future.

Now go through that and pick it to pieces. Question EVERY creative choice. Identify alternate choices. Do not forgive anything, focus exclusively on the faults. Write a scathing essay on this film/TV/book and keep it as a journal entry (or publish it anonymously to see the pushback).

Everything in the critical essay is EQUALLY as valid as the critical voice in your head on your own work. There is no such thing as an "objective" reality, in anything, and especially not in expression & therefore art. In other words, even though the critical voice in your head SOUNDS like it's right — this work really is shit, especially compared to the great works — it is in fact, as full of shit as any random ass commenter on the internet.

Creativity is all fueled by the soul. And I guarantee this is true of your experience -- your best work has come when you lost yourself in it. That happens because you allowed ALL of your energy to go in the SAME direction. You weren't trying to put, like, mental/spiritual dams along the way.

Therapy will help you identify the dams. SSRIs will increase the flow of the river. This analogy is great. And then mindful techniques (like the one I just described) are like your paddle boat.

And ultimately we're all flowing down the same river, we're all in the same 20000+th generation of hairy meat beasts on the water planet. It's all silly.

 

[Makoto Yuki]

It's good to vent, let it out.

Also, thank you for sharing. It's hard opening up at times.

I hope this encourages more people vent even if it's just on forum. While I prefer to vent verbally, writing it out helps. I encourage more people to do the same.

Things are rough all over.
So we gotta do our best to stay gold.

 

[Moose the Fattest Cat]

This year has been shit for me as well. It's an extension of 2019 to a certain extent.

1. My wife broke her ribs last year and was bed-ridden for months in mid-2019.
2. Starting in November she started getting severely sick to her stomach and unable to keep food and drink down. At this time her panic attacks surfaced and developed a panic disorder and PTSD associated with sexual assault while hospitalized for dehydration.
3. On February 3rd her continued lack of eating and drinking culminated in a major medical event that required EMS transport to the ER as she had become catatonic.
4. She was rushed to the ICU in the following days as they found what looked to be a blood clot in her brain
5. She was diagnosed with life-threatening depletion of her B vitamins, specifically Thiamine (B1).
6. She started to recover due to IV Thiamine and other B vitamin supplements being administered.
7. They also discovered she had demyelination of her nerves in her spinal column.
8. She had to go to the rehab unit of the hospital to begin physical, occupational, and speech therapy as she lost her ability to walk and had her cognitive abilities impacted as a result of her brain injury.
9. She was then sent to a skilled nursing facility (a nursing home) to receive more rehabilitation.
10. Both my grandparents passed within 2 weeks of each other, luckily it wasn't related to Covid.

She is home now and is getting rehabilitation services in the home. She is in a wheelchair. She is recovering and the outlook is positive that she will regain her ability to walk under her own power. Her cognitive abilities are recovering as well and that will just take time to work itself out, but that outlook is very positive as well. We are hoping she might be able to go back to school and either finish her Master's degree or continue on in her PhD program that had to come to a halt for the time being.

The positive out of all of this is that her personality is intact and she does remember stuff that happened up until fall of 2019 and even that is slowly coming back as well.

Click to shrink...

You're going through the wringer right now. And the fact that you're keeping a level head enough to articulate it, to be a supportive partner — did you need a stranger on the internet telling you today that you're doing great? You are doing great.

Things will turn around, just the nature of the current, it won't be this difficult always. But you're also forging your character & relationship through fire, and being forced to level up your coping skills and your resiliency and your overall strength. Everyone's goal right now can just be to try and stay alive, because it's a challenge right now just to do that, and to take care of yourself and others around you to the degree possible.

Life sucks but you're doing great.

 

[Moose the Fattest Cat]

It's been an awful year. Today I lost it at work, and I'm feeling particularly down on myself today because of it.

Click to shrink...

In fact, it's the work that is the insane thing. Feeling insane in insane situations (ie, our current reality) is the sane response.

There's no great reason for any human to be working that isn't in health care (in America anyway), its only through the government's negligence and utter failure to protect its people that businesses are being forced to re-open to try to pay their rent, forcing their employees to work, etc. It's mad.

 

[takriel]

You sound like a very interesting person, OP. I'd be down to talk if you feel like it.

 

[Stop It]

You should never, ever feel shame for how you handle your grief and trauma. It doesn't matter if you "should" be over it. You should seek help to process it, because that sort of thing is too intense to handle on your own.

Click to shrink...

Yep.

If you haven't processed the traumatic events, and seek help to do so, you'll never be over it. Even with help you may never do so.

But you sound like someone who has put far too much pressure on themselves, and the writer's block is indicative of this.

Your post is full of machismo as well as evident hurt. You need to allow yourself to break down, and not use glib excuses like having "too much therapy" to avoid what you need.

Admitting weakness is a strength, knowing that we are all weaker than we want ourselves to look to others is essential in regaining that mental strength.

You're not alone, this year has hurt many people, myself very much included. I'm awaiting CBT and it's scary as hell because I've never been strong enough to admit that I could do with the help. You need to do the same.

Edit: Really need to read more posts, good stuff OP!

 

[Stranger Things]

I feel nothing except bouts of anxiety and panic. I overthink everything and that leads to me being very uncomfortable in social settings. People don't see who I really am because I hide.

I'm brilliant and creative but I've had writer's block for a decade. Can't break it.

I'm lonely af.

I've pushed just about everyone away and I don't know why. My best friend won't talk to me anymore.

Click to shrink...

I can relate to all of this pretty well.

I, too, overthink and overanalyze friendships, social situations, and general human behavior. I have a lot of cool hobbies and interests and talents, but my anxiety just gets in the way and sometimes it's really hard for me to communicate with people. Likewise people rarely see the real me because I'm so in my head and introverted.

I feel like COVID-19 just made that even harder now that I haven't talked to many friends in person in months. I've always enjoyed peace and quiet, but even my best friend that I've known for ages seems pretty distant. I guess I just need to get better at reaching out to people and making things happen, rather than letting life run its course while waiting for others. That's how you unintentionally push people away.

This pandemic is absolutely exhausting and soul crushing, but it's also a time for reflection and a good period to get those creative juices flowing. I produce music and I've always been drawn to instruments and recording, but sometimes I feel like all my effort is a waste of time and pointless in the grand scheme of things. Occasionally I'll be really into my craft and obsessed with the fine details, but it's not long before I get burnt out. I guess we all just have to pace ourselves and be patient, realize our goals/purpose and potential. At least that what I've learned in last few months, and it's helped me create more beats.

 

[Tsuyu]

This year has been shit for me as well. It's an extension of 2019 to a certain extent.

1. My wife broke her ribs last year and was bed-ridden for months in mid-2019.
2. Starting in November she started getting severely sick to her stomach and unable to keep food and drink down. At this time her panic attacks surfaced and developed a panic disorder and PTSD associated with sexual assault while hospitalized for dehydration.
3. On February 3rd her continued lack of eating and drinking culminated in a major medical event that required EMS transport to the ER as she had become catatonic.
4. She was rushed to the ICU in the following days as they found what looked to be a blood clot in her brain
5. She was diagnosed with life-threatening depletion of her B vitamins, specifically Thiamine (B1).
6. She started to recover due to IV Thiamine and other B vitamin supplements being administered.
7. They also discovered she had demyelination of her nerves in her spinal column.
8. She had to go to the rehab unit of the hospital to begin physical, occupational, and speech therapy as she lost her ability to walk and had her cognitive abilities impacted as a result of her brain injury.
9. She was then sent to a skilled nursing facility (a nursing home) to receive more rehabilitation.
10. Both my grandparents passed within 2 weeks of each other, luckily it wasn't related to Covid.

She is home now and is getting rehabilitation services in the home. She is in a wheelchair. She is recovering and the outlook is positive that she will regain her ability to walk under her own power. Her cognitive abilities are recovering as well and that will just take time to work itself out, but that outlook is very positive as well. We are hoping she might be able to go back to school and either finish her Master's degree or continue on in her PhD program that had to come to a halt for the time being.

The positive out of all of this is that her personality is intact and she does remember stuff that happened up until fall of 2019 and even that is slowly coming back as well.

Click to shrink...

I don't know what to say besides I hope the best for you two. It must have been very tough but it seems like that period has past.

 

[Moose the Fattest Cat]

Thank you for this.

Because of your post and others in this thread, I have taken it upon myself to schedule a consultation with a clinical psychologist for possible medication. Have to do it online and have it shipped to me since I'm way out in the Alaskan wilderness but at least it's something.

I also plan to seek counseling the same way.

As for the writing, I have an awful habit of comparing everything I write to other works. I then toss it if it seems subpar. I am stuck in a perpetual negative feedback loop and it's hard to break.

I have pondered if the suppression of creative juices is making the depression worse. I imagine it is. Expression is important.

Click to shrink...

Also, it's never been a better time to be in the Alaskan wilderness. We're all in our houses, or at least, we ought to be. Therapy and psychiatry over Zoom or Zocdoc is much better than IRL too -- you don't have to drive, park, be late, etc... you just turn on the phone and talk and they send you medicine and it's easy, well easy-ish, its still difficult to make appointments and do ANYTHING, even simple tasks, but particularly tedious and frustrating things (like scheduling doctor appointments & figuring out insurance maybe) is much harder when depressed. If you have someone who can help you make the appointment, this is a good favor to ask for. If you're doing it on your own, be sure to acknowledge your own labor in some way. If you did it for yourself, you did 'you' a favor, and basic courtesy would to say thank you to yourself for helping you. That's self care.

Another incentive for you as a writer to journal more frequently -- do it simply as a test to see if your writing changes as you do self care. Like you could give yourself an experiment, like, for 30 days i'm going to do, 500 words (min, no max) free write and a 3 word description of your mood, each day, and think of it like you're doing body building for your creative spirit. You're on a diet and workout plan, and seeing if there's any truth to this idea of "the best art comes from the tortured artist" or whatever ... I think you'll find your best work comes from enthusiasm, which is almost chemically impossible to generate in depression.

 

[Moose the Fattest Cat]

I can relate to all of this pretty well.

I, too, overthink and overanalyze friendships, social situations, and general human behavior. I have a lot of cool hobbies and interests and talents, but my anxiety just gets in the way and sometimes it's really hard for me to communicate with people. Likewise people rarely see the real me because I'm so in my head and introverted.

I feel like COVID-19 just made that even harder now that I haven't talked to many friends in person in months. I've always enjoyed peace and quiet, but even my best friend that I've known for ages seems pretty distant. I guess I just need to get better at reaching out to people and making things happen, rather than letting life run its course while waiting for others. That's how you unintentionally push people away.

This pandemic is absolutely exhausting and soul crushing, but it's also a time for reflection and a good period to get those creative juices flowing. I produce music and I've always been drawn to instruments and recording, but sometimes I feel like all my effort is a waste of time and pointless in the grand scheme of things. Occasionally I'll be really into my craft and obsessed with the fine details, but it's not long before I get burnt out. I guess we all just have to pace ourselves and be patient, realize our goals/purpose and potential. At least that what I've learned in last few months, and it's helped me create more beats.

Click to shrink...

When you get a text from a friend you haven't heard from in a while who's like Whats up dude, how you been? What are you working on? How are you holding up? -- however good that feels to receive, that's at least as good as it would also be for your friends to hear from you. Yes, it kills me how slow we are (Millennials/Gen X at least, I think Gen Z is pretty good about face timing and shit on a regular basis) to get back to phone calls on a regular basis. Phone calls used to be great, like, landlines. The conversation is the good part.

2020 is a year of hindsight. Which seems obvious in hindsight. It's surprising how on the nose it is, but that's how glasses work. God damn I am good at analogies.