Let's do really short jokes and one liners. Clean preferred, not compulsory. Cheesy welcome.

[Ramathevoice]

Was gonna post the ground beef one but got beat, so:

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus.


What do you get if you cross agnosticism, insomnia and dyslexia?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

 

[piratepwnsninja]

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks, "Some asshole has my pen."

 

[echoshifting]

Hahahaha

Spoiler

...I don't get it

Click to shrink...

https://youtu.be/4aTQWC7crW4

 

[Everybody Lies]

I once saw Ben Shapiro playing handball against the curb in front of his house.

 

[Bluesteel]

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Click to shrink...

God, this one got me.

 

[Deleted member 31133]

What did the buffalo say to his son before he left the house for school?

Spoiler

"Bison"

🤣

 

[Grizzel Greedigut]

What happened to the cat that ate an entire ball of yarn?


She had mittens.

 

[Dice]

What happens when you have someone who's dyslexic, agnostic, and suffers insomnia?

Spoiler

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there's a Dog.

 

[Grizzel Greedigut]

Why didnt the pirate's daughter get asked to prom?

She had a sunken chest!

 

[MrKlaw]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer

Click to shrink...

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

still no idea

 

[Laughing Banana]

The fact that I laughed at like 90% of these jokes means that I'm old, yeah?

Sigh.....

 

[Serein]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Spoiler

Stick it in a microwave until its bill withers

 

[Aldo]

You said cheesy...
A man goes to the doctor: "I have a problem, I poop every morning at 7 o' clock" "So? What's the issue with that?" "I wake up at 8!"

 

[Cokie Bear]

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

Spoiler

Right lads, time to get into the tanks

 

[Septimus Prime]

An orange rolls into a paint shop. The shopkeeper turns to him and says, "Hey, you know, we have a color named after you!"

"You have a color named Steve?"

 

[oledome]

I started a trampoline business in Prague. Cashflow is an issue, the cheques keep bouncing

 

[inner-G]

I know a few cheesy jokes but they're no Gouda.

 

[hordak]

https://www.instagram.com/dadjokes._/

it takes guts to be an organ donor
sunday are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day

 

[Westbahnhof]

 

[Jakke_Koala]

Why are there so many pedophiles in Belgium?


Because our kids are so hot

 

[Jakke_Koala]

Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

 

[ThorHammerstein]

Seriously, when did cheesy jokes become dad jokes? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯



Do you have any holes in your socks?
No.
Then how do you put them on?


Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell outta their dogs

A woman was having a hard time with her puzzle pieces so called her boyfriend for help.
"What's it supposed to be?"
"It shows a tiger on the box."
He comes over and sees the table covered and shakes his head.
"Listen, you've had a long day. Let's pick up these Frosted Flakes and get some sleep."

Click to shrink...

Love it!! :D

 

[Deleted member 29293]

What is small, green and triangular?

Spoiler

A small green triangle.

 

[Andrin]

Lots of great puns in here. Telling groan-worthy jokes to my friends is one of my favourite pastimes, so I'll be sure to borrow a few.

Here's two of my favourite science puns:

What do you call a microbiologist who has travelled the world?

Spoiler

A man of many cultures.

The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here!"

 

[Officer Big Mac]

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up they would be alloys.

 

[Good4Squat]

I feel like this is missing after everyone of these.

 

[TheRyzzl]

What's Bruce Lee's favorite beverage???

Wataaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

 

[Andrin]

The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here!"

Click to shrink...

A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[CommandThrower]

A man sees a doctor and tells him "Doc, I have this uncontrollable urge to sing "What's New, Pussycat?" over and over again. What's wrong with me?!"

The doctor says "Well, it looks like you have a case of Tom Jones Disease."

The man replies "Um, is that a rare disease?"

The doctor replies "It's not unusual."

 

[Techno]

Why was the tomato blushing?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

 

[Metalix]

Mormon cats have nine wives.

The Pope loves cats, heard he's a real cat-a-holic.

Militant feminists! I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.

I didn't want to believe my father, the lollipop man, had been stealing from work but all the signs were there.

I tried to place a call to the old, wizened & spiritual leader of Tibet. The next day a box arrived at my house containing a sheep with a rather long neck. Turns out I'd called Dial-a-Llama.

My grandfather was poorly in his old age, Grandma used to rub lard on his back. He went downhill quite quickly after that.

 

[Secret Squirrel]

I started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails have gone through the roof

 

[Avengers23]

American governmental checks and balances.
That's it. That's the joke.

 

[Deleted member 44129]

I also do a few lines when I do certain things.
Putting the car into reverse, I say "Aaaah, this takes me back"
When getting to the top of an escalator, I like to say "Well, that escalated quickly"
and whenever I go in an elevator, I sing Aerosmith to the kids, but I sing "Lovely elevator! Lovely up and lovely down!"

They find it funny now, they're going to HATE ME when they're teenagers.

 

[Kernel]

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

A: Christian Bale

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

A: It got stuck in a crack

 

[Orb]

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[super-heated plasma]

I named my horse Mayo. When I call him, sometimes Mayo neighs.

 

[Secret Squirrel]

Exit signs, they're on the way out.
Velcro. What a rip off.
I've decided to sell my Hoover - it was just collecting dust.
I saw this advert in a window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought, 'I can't turn that down.'

 

[super-heated plasma]

What do you call a thousand gun toting lesbians?

Militia Etheridge

 

[travisbickle]

I went on one of those once-in-a-lifetime holidays.

I'll tell you what, never again.

_______________

I told my mother I was buying a theater.

She said "are you having me on?"

I said "I'll give you an audition but I can't promise anything."

_______________
Tim Vine jokes, king of the one-liners.

 

[Dice]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

[Septimus Prime]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Click to shrink...

Please revise "too much pi" to "dπ."

 

[PyroPaperPlanes]

A Scotsman walks out of a bar.

 

[Ramala]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Trump never paid to have a garbanzo bean.

 

[Ranma]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

 

[AKingNamedPaul]

HR person: What is something you're really good at?
Me: I can do math incredibly quick
HR person: Ok what's 35 x 78?
Me: 560
HR person: That's not even close
Me: But it was quick

Click to shrink...

First one that made me laugh

 

[Bigwombat]

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key.

It's a 600 year old British joke.

 

[TheCthultist]

I want to embarass my children, but also lets make each other laugh.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He didn't see that well.

Did you hear about the zoo where the only animal was a little Chinese Dog?
It was a Shit Zoo

I went to a job interview.
Interviewer: What do you think is your greatest weakness?
Me: I speak my mind.
Interviewer: I don't see that as a weakness
Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.

Click to shrink...

I know one about paper, but it's pretty tearable.
Got another about pizza, but that one's kind of cheesy.

 

[Dr Doom]

Could have just said say some Dad Jokes

 

[TheCthultist]

I bought some shoes from my drug dealer this morning.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.