Language is here to serve all of us. (WaPo piece on "They")

[Dan-o]

Article might be locked behind a paywall. I won't quote the whole thing, but just a few choice parts.

Language is here to serve all of us. Merriam-Webster's word of the year shows that.
By Benjamin Dreyer

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opin...bout-they-merriam-websters-word-year-dont-be/

The commonly held notion that this allegedly genderless "he" did the job just fine because the default person is a "he" and everyone else can just fall in line behind that had stirred resistance from some writers. For a while, they were leaning hard into the use of "he or she" (which over time uses up a lot of space and, more to the point, can become quickly tiresome), alternating "he" or "she" paragraph by paragraph (well-intentioned but clumsy) or sentence by sentence (dizzying), with the occasional foray into "s/he" (just plain unsightly).

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The online responses I've observed in the wake of the Merriam-Webster anointing have run the gamut from but-of-course embrace to outraged rejection, with a lot of tactfully, earnestly expressed confusion occupying the middle ground.

The embracers are fine, then, where they are, and the outraged parties can carry on with their outrage with no assistance from me. It's to the confused folk in the middle that I, a word person by trade, would hope to offer some advice and perhaps even comfort.

Yes, this nonbinary "they" use can be, as new things are wont to be, confusing.

Yes, it's a new challenge in writing and editing to avert confusion as to whether the "they" in a particular sentence is one person or a few people. (FAQ: "Is it 'they are' or 'they is'?" It's "they are," one notes, just the way we use "you are" for both singular and multiple persons with no great confusion attendant.)

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Language is here to serve those of us, all of us, who use it, and when one's perhaps unconsidered thoughts as to what is correct run smack into the honor we owe another person, one can only hope that it's honor that wins out.

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(emphasis on 'unconsidered thoughts' is my own, not his)

Benjamin also gives an anecdote about a colleague who used "they" as their pronoun, and how he, Benjamin, tried to use language to get around it until he finally just said it and realized it was never a big deal to begin with. I think for a lot of people, that's the roadblock; they can ponder and pontificate on how to use, and not use, the word (written or spoken) but they're avoiding something that ultimately comes naturally when you just give it a damn chance.

Anyway, I agree 100% with the use of "they" in spoken and written language. I do my small part by trying to explain how easy it is when I hear others complain about things like the above (I corrected someone who said, "So... I'm supposed to say 'I have a meeting with they??'" just by saying, "No, just say 'them' or, y'know, their name." at which point... it clicked for that person)
I think Mr. Dreyer gets it... and he's honest about what it took to get him there.

Slap me with the M-W dictionary if old.

 

[Brazil]

I really wish we had gender-neutral pronouns in Portuguese. It's the one thing from the English language that I envy.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

It's a habit I've made an effort to get into...especially on here.

 

[Lost Knight]

Language have evolved when human societies evolved, I see no reason to object to that since dictionaries update themselves every year.

 

[tangeu]

I reworded all our form emails for my department to use they/them (they were all he/him regardless of who we were sending to). I doubt anyone noticed or cared but in the event that they do it was a small effort.

 

[Finale Fireworker]

I read this yesterday.

It's still hard for me to understand when people do not take naturally to they/them. I have thought long and hard to try to figure out why this is and I have no answer because referring to somebody as they or them even when they are cisgender is a completely normal part of every day life. People who make a big fuss over using neutral pronouns almost always use neutral pronouns to refer to people they don't know.

For example, "somebody called from the insurance company and I have to call them back."
Or "find someone who works here and ask them where the batteries are."
Or "the auditor is here," "where are they?"

It's extremely normal and people do it all the time, constantly, without even thinking. If you speak English, you use neutral pronouns. But when asked to use them specifically, some people act like it's unusual or unnatural and they have no idea what they're supposed to do. I don't understand this at all. I wish I could, because I want to help them, but I simply cannot.

Something I have come to suspect is that people who grew up playing video games or being online might have an easier time with neutral pronouns because the anonymity of the internet necessitated it more often. When somebody is just a username and an avatar and you don't know their gender, you'd have to either say "he or she" or simply use they. So using a neutral pronoun as a way to address somebody I didn't know was just part of my every day internet etiquette for most of my entire life.


I don't know. The short answer to the resistance is that these people are prejudiced and won't adapt because they want punish people different from them. But I also think there's a lot of people who become genuinely confused to the point of total disorientation when asked to use a neutral pronoun because their brains are so intensely hardcoded to identify everybody know by a binary gender. I do not understand this, but like you say, some people "get it" when you explain it to them and some people don't.

In all the modern drama of gender discourse, I will never understand why there is so much ado about they/them. It is a discourse that is embarrassing now and will be all the more so as time goes on. It is so incredibly mundane. Yet here we are.

 

[Parthenios]

Just as a vague preference, I wish we had a genderless singular pronoun instead of using an existing plural one, but it's not a big deal (certainly not enough to hurt someone's feelings over).

 

[The Boat]

I really wish we had gender-neutral pronouns in Portuguese. It's the one thing from the English language that I envy.

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Yeah, it's pretty much impossible to be gender neutral in Portuguese, be it in writing or speaking.

 

[Version 3.0]

I really wish we had gender-neutral pronouns in Portuguese. It's the one thing from the English language that I envy.

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We don't, though. Not officially. The use of "they" to mean "he or she" is incorrect (again, officially). People do it anyway, but it's basically like "ain't": in wide usage, but seen as used by uneducated people. To a lesser degree, though. I mean, people speak that way all the time. It's more frowned upon in writing.

I'm totally on board with making it official, though. Like the article says, all the correct options ( he or she, s/he, alternating he and she ) are tedious.

 

[MechaMarmaset]

We don't, though. Not officially. The use of "they" to mean "he or she" is incorrect (again, officially). People do it anyway, but it's basically like "ain't": in wide usage, but seen as used by uneducated people. To a lesser degree, though. I mean, people speak that way all the time. It's more frowned upon in writing.

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So where's this English officiating body that you must be referencing?

 

[dubc]

Just as a vague preference, I wish we had a genderless singular pronoun instead of using an existing plural one, but it's not a big deal (certainly not enough to hurt someone's feelings over).

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The singular vs plural issue is my Latin declension mind's biggest beef with it. Otherwise, I have zero issue with it and not sure why it's such a big deal for some.

 

[Fatoy]

It's still hard for me to understand when people do not take naturally to they/them. I have thought long and hard to try to figure out why this is and I have no answer because referring to somebody as they or them even when they are cisgender is a completely normal part of every day life. People who make a big fuss over using neutral pronouns almost always use neutral pronouns to refer to people they don't know.

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I think there's a key part that you're overlooking: English no longer has any honourifics, so native speakers aren't used to having any middle ground between "I completely don't know anything about this person" and "I'm familiar with who they are and they're my equal". So when someone moves from speaking about a person in the abstract to speaking about a specific individual, they might feel as though that level of familiarity earns them the right to use he / she.

Or to put it more bluntly, when someone knows another person, they feel equipped to put them in the boxes they're used to using to describe people they know.

On the flipside, though, as other people have mentioned, English doesn't have gendered nouns, so that's one level of nonsense we can already sidestep. I feel for French / Spanish speakers who are supposed to refer to a collective of people with a male noun if that group contains 100 women and even one man.

Either way: I think I'm in the camp that would prefer that we had a third singular pronoun that was genderless, rather than using they / them - simply because when I say "they're busy" I can't shake 37 years of association that makes me feel like I'm talking about several people rather than just one.

 

[NineConsonants]

I wonder if some people who are cisgendered do not like being referred to as "they". It doesn't bother me, but I could see somebody associating "they" as impersonal?

 

[the_wart]

We don't, though. Not officially. The use of "they" to mean "he or she" is incorrect (again, officially). People do it anyway, but it's basically like "ain't": in wide usage, but seen as used by uneducated people. To a lesser degree, though. I mean, people speak that way all the time. It's more frowned upon in writing.

I'm totally on board with making it official, though. Like the article says, all the correct options ( he or she, s/he, alternating he and she ) are tedious.

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There's no such thing as an "official" authority on what is and isn't part of a language.

 

[Fuzzy]

For a while, they were leaning hard into the use of "he or she"

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I roll my eyes every time I see people type that on Era instead of just using "they".

 

[Dan-o]

I don't know. The short answer to the resistance is that these people are prejudiced and won't adapt because they want punish people different from them. But I also think there's a lot of people who become genuinely confused to the point of total disorientation when asked to use a neutral pronoun because their brains are so intensely hardcoded to identify everybody know by a binary gender. I do not understand this, but like you say, some people "get it" when you explain it to them and some people don't.

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Yep, I agree. It's easy to say it's rooted in prejudice and punishment, and while that's absolutely the case for the, shall we say, vocal outraged few, I think it's more about what's taught and re-enforced over and over growing up. It does not surprise me when older folks have a harder time with it, for example. But even folks my age (late 30's, ugh) should get it if they've spent any time in online discussion forums/IRC/etc. as you mentioned.

In all the modern drama of gender discourse, I will never understand why there is so much ado about they/them. It is a discourse that is embarrassing now and will be all the more so as time goes on. It is so incredibly mundane. Yet here we are.

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Totally agree. But since here is where we are with it all, I'm glad to see folks like Dreyer help to explain it to the 'confused middle' so to speak.

Just as a vague preference, I wish we had a genderless singular pronoun instead of using an existing plural one, but it's not a big deal (certainly not enough to hurt someone's feelings over).

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I think it's still possible... but there would need to be one that takes ahold of language in a meaningful widespread way. They seems to work because it has been used for both singular and plural for so long, and naturally so, so it's hard to unseat it as an easy choice. Better "they" as the default than "he" anyway. Growing up, I was always taught in school that "he" was default and I never liked it. If I ever argued for "he" as default, it was not really in good faith.

 

[plagiarize]

It's been part of my understanding of language for so long, the confusion surprises me. As a writer of fiction, when writing about a 'mysterious figure' or similar, 'they' has always looked and read a lot better than he or she, or he/she.

"The mysterious figure lowered themselves down into the dark room..." makes it such an easy pivot to. "They scanned the room making sure to check the corners for cameras."

So yeah, all the confusion around it boggles my brain.

 

[ChrisD]

Honestly never thought on this, because like Fireworker says above, I've used it and heard it for so long. It's especially common when speaking about someone on the internet where gender is often unknown. "They said that, I told them this."

 

[tangeu]

Maybe it's regional or I'm just odd but I've defaulted to they/them my entire life without ever thinking about it (even when gender is known) and am baffled as to why it's so hard for some folks.
An example from a phone conversation just today:
"Is Dan availiable?"
Me: No they're busy
"What about Susan?"
Me: Sure, they'll be with you in a moment.

 

[Prototype Viktor]

I really wish we had gender-neutral pronouns in Portuguese. It's the one thing from the English language that I envy.

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Just be American and just make up every word you need every time including mistakes

 

[Fuzzy]

It's been part of my understanding of language for so long, the confusion surprises me. As a writer of fiction, when writing about a 'mysterious figure' or similar, 'they' has always looked and read a lot better than he or she, or he/she.

"The mysterious figure lowered themselves down into the dark room..." makes it such an easy pivot to. "They scanned the room making sure to check the corners for cameras."

So yeah, all the confusion around it boggles my brain.

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I used it 20+ years ago in HS and I'm pretty sure that's because I was taught that.

 

[BowieZ]

Wow, the singular vs plural "you" parallel didn't even occur to me until now.

 

[Deleted member 18360]

Singular they is best pronoun imo.

 

[Deleted member 44129]

Someone at my work was born male, acts male, looks male. To anyone here, you'd say "that's a man". This person has started insisting that they are "they" rather than "he", and a lot of people here are baffled by it- "He's not even gay", or "But is he going to become a woman or something". When asked my opinion I said I dont get it, I dont understand it. However, if I haven't walked in this person's shoes, then how would I possible understand what they are going through, so I'm being asked to use the phrase "they", which seems new and a bit jarring to me, then I'm going to give it my best, because this could be the difference between this person being bloody miserable, and happy. I want people to be happy"

If someone asks to be called "they", it may seem strange, but please just do it. It could make someone happy.

 

[CitizenVectron]

Someone at my work was born male, acts male, looks male. To anyone here, you'd say "that's a man". This person has started insisting that they are "they" rather than "he", and a lot of people here are baffled by it- "He's not even gay", or "But is he going to become a woman or something". When asked my opinion I said I dont get it, I dont understand it. However, if I haven't walked in this person's shoes, then how would I possible understand what they are going through, so I'm being asked to use the phrase "they", which seems new and a bit jarring to me, then I'm going to give it my best, because this could be the difference between this person being bloody miserable, and happy. I want people to be happy"

If someone asks to be called "they", it may seem strange, but please just do it. It could make someone happy.

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This is key. You don't need to understand in order to be compassionate.

Obviously there will be situations where someone will need to be described by traditional (sex) terms, especially in cases of emergency where every visual distinction can help. An example is "Police are looking for a tall Asian man." You could modify that to be something like "Police are looking for a tall masculine-looking Asian individual," but I don't know if you can go much further than that. Any visual identifier helps in that type of situation.

But in almost all other situations, I try to be as gender (and everything else)-neutral as possible unless it is directly relevant to the situation somehow.

 

[Aranjah]

It's extremely normal and people do it all the time, constantly, without even thinking. If you speak English, you use neutral pronouns. But when asked to use them specifically, some people act like it's unusual or unnatural and they have no idea what they're supposed to do. I don't understand this at all. I wish I could, because I want to help them, but I simply cannot.

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Yeah, I don't get it either. It's a natural thing that most every native speaker does, and it goes back centuries.

My best guess is years of prescriptive grammar beating it into their heads in school that singular they is "incorrect" (regardless of how natural it is) and now they feel like they're being purposefully asked to say something "incorrect". At least, I remember most of my teachers pushing the "'they' is plural, for singular you should use 'he or she'" angle.
I present as evidence for this all the people that use "so-and-so and I" as the object of a sentence because that's all they remember from that day of class, rather than understanding when and why to use that.

I thus far haven't personally had this come up (the only trans person I know goes by male pronouns), so I admit that I would have to make a conscious effort to remember to override the part of my brain that says "looks male -> he/looks female -> she" for the first few times, but it's grammatically fine. Just overriding some kind of linguistic muscle memory. (Maybe this is what "confused" people are trying to say but they aren't getting it across very well?)

 

[Orayn]

I've been on Team They since I was like 13 and I realized it would help shorten the "he or she" templating on Magic cards. Only took Magic another 15 years to actually implement it.

Now I obviously support it for a variety of other reasons, but the singular they has been around and accepted forever no matter what some pedants will try to tell you.

 

[Kyuuji]

For native English speakers the only bridge to cross should be in using it to people you know personally alongside those you don't, instead of solely the latter. Appreciate the piece coming at it from that angle though, as far too many people hand-wring about it.