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Kingdom Hearts III is an unreviewable video game - Kotaku

malyse

malyse

Community Resetter
Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,966
Wakanda, where we do not suffer fools
I love the Kingdom Hearts series. Furthermore, I believe I "understand" the Kingdom Hearts series. After careful consideration, I have decided that Kingdom Hearts III might be an "unreviewable" video game. This is precisely why I suggest you don't read any reviews of Kingdom Hearts III. I present my case in this video.​
​
https://kotaku.com/kingdom-hearts-iii-is-an-unreviewable-video-game-1831985374/

 
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takriel

takriel

Attempted to circumvent ban with alt account
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
10,221
No game is unreviewable. This is silly.
 
Birdie

Birdie

Banned
Oct 26, 2017
26,289
But I've learned... that deep down there's a metacritic score that never goes out! I know now, without a doubt, Kingdom Hearts... is unreviewable!
 
VeePs

VeePs

Prophet of Truth
Member
Oct 25, 2017
17,369
Reading it now OP, this paragraph got me lol:

This video suffices as a confession: 13 years ago, I wrote a scathingly negative review of Kingdom Hearts II entirely for the attention. I had found myself in possession of a Japanese copy of the game a whole month before its release, and so I blasted through it in a weekend before writing an awful, snippy 600-word review in which I awarded the game zero stars out of four, knowing full well that the internet would hate me for it. I am not entirely sure, though I believe my review was the first one published in English. That review earned me more than 4 million page views and 6,000 irate comments. In this video, I apologize for doing this in what I hope comes across as a sincere tone.

I have to wonder how old he was then?
 
catswaller

catswaller

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,797
very here for the next 200 posts of era members saying "technically, you can review any game!" instead of making even the slightest effort to grasp the point this person who reviews games for a living is trying to make.
 
DrROBschiz

DrROBschiz

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,494
Outside of not liking the story and bizarre directios the series has taken Im thinking it will be a very dense and fun video game for fans that have waited so long for this entry
 
PSqueak

PSqueak

Member
Oct 25, 2017
12,464
not watching the viedo because at work, but i assume it's because it's impossible to avoid spoilers?
 
iiicon

iiicon

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,917
Canada
Between my making this video and my posting it on Kotaku, a situation arose which requires me to write Kotaku's review of Kingdom Hearts III. I promise I did not orchestrate this, though I must admit I find it a hilariously shocking plot twist worthy of a Kingdom Hearts game. The sentiments I expressed in this video remain sincere in spite of this recent development. In fact, it perfectly feels like I've challenged myself. Please, then, consider this video Episode 0.6 of Kingdom Hearts III: The Kotaku Review.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Tim Rogers is a gift.
 
Einbroch

Einbroch

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,000
That was...really unfunny.

Impressive that he kept up that voice for 16 minutes, though.
 
Godfather

Godfather

Game on motherfuckers
Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
3,492
lol, and he has an update at the bottom saying he's going to be reviewing it for Kotaku due to mitigating circumstances.
 
Aeana

Aeana

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,941
zrNA7t6.jpg
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Paches

Paches

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,603
Watch the video before you bust out some blazing hot takes folks. It will make sense.
 
THE GUY

THE GUY

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
4,223
lol

This video is just him taking the piss out of KH fans for 16 minutes. It's actually pretty good.
 
Baccus

Baccus

Banned
Dec 4, 2018
5,307
Translation: It's not really good enough to be recommended to anyone not already balls deep into the series and who has waited 15 years for it. But I am and I have, so fuck me daddy Nomura.
 
TheBryanJZX90

TheBryanJZX90

Member
Nov 29, 2017
3,020
VeePs said:
Reading it now OP, this paragraph got me lol:

This video suffices as a confession: 13 years ago, I wrote a scathingly negative review of Kingdom Hearts II entirely for the attention. I had found myself in possession of a Japanese copy of the game a whole month before its release, and so I blasted through it in a weekend before writing an awful, snippy 600-word review in which I awarded the game zero stars out of four, knowing full well that the internet would hate me for it. I am not entirely sure, though I believe my review was the first one published in English. That review earned me more than 4 million page views and 6,000 irate comments. In this video, I apologize for doing this in what I hope comes across as a sincere tone.

I have to wonder how old he was then?
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26. He... actually talks a lot about being almost 40 in a lot of other videos so the math isn't hard to do.
 

flexicon

Member
Nov 5, 2018
50
A copout disguised as intellectualism. And then I read further in this thread and realized it's Tim Rogers, so it checks out
 
Sparks

Sparks

Senior Games Artist
Verified
Dec 10, 2018
2,879
Los Angeles
Tim Rogers is a great guy and a great writer, but I feel like he falls back on "The voice" as a way to more comfortably give his opinions, but it makes it super difficult to tell how he actually feels... He's done serious videos before about game reviews, but still using that voice. It was super hard to wrap my head around what he's getting at, haha.

With that said, this video is pretty great... but its fucking bullshit he said Sora is 15 years old, he's fucking 16.
 
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Gevurztraminer

Gevurztraminer

Member
Dec 14, 2017
1,351
With that attitude, yes. But this is clearly viewbait and preamble to get more clicks for the inevitable review.
 
Wispmetas

Wispmetas

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
6,546
OP should probably add "SATIRE" or something to the title...some takes in this thread I swear.
 
funky

funky

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
8,527
KH3 seems like the kind of game where reviewers will get death threats for scoring it below a 9 but in a month the community will call it a disappointment.
 
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