Or alternatively, was I an asshole?
Sorry in advance for the long post, but want to make sure I include everything. I wrote most of this last night immediately after I went home in order to make it as accurate as possible. Tldr at bottom.
I don't know if demographics matter here but I'm including them just in case. Not sure if what happened has anything to do with gender, culture, language barriers, or if I'm just a dick that transcends all variables. I like to think I'm "woke" but according to last night I am not, need era to set me straight here.
-Me (white straight cis male, american living in china for 7 years)
-My gf (mainland chinese, straight, lives in china)
-Gf sister (chinese, lesbian) Her gf (korean, also lesbian duh, they have lived in Canada for 5 years) call them Bella and Carrie respectively
-straight married couple friends (from Taiwan, lived in Canada nearly a decade apparently) call them David and Eva.
So I'm the only native speaker of English, but we are all fluent and the conversation was entirely in English.
Warning for potential mild Parasite or Once upon a time in Hollywood spoilers.
Story time:
We went to the bar last night in Vancouver. It was my first time meeting the Taiwanese couple, but bella and Carrie I have met multiple times and would consider them to be "friends." We were not drunk yet, had only barely got our first drinks. The conversation was about the oscars and parasite. Taiwanese couple brought it up to the korean girl. Everything was going good until Eva said:
"Did you guys watch once upon a time in Hollywood? The director is so gross, he has a foot fetish."
I said "why is that gross?"
Eva: "it just is, feet are nasty, and he always shows his fetish in his movies."
Me: " I have a foot fetish." (Editors note, I don't, I was being contrarian and kind of trying to get her not to shame people, you know, cuz I'm woke or whatever).
Eva: "it's gross ok? And besides, the actress said it made her uncomfortable. She said she was forced to do it against her will"
Me: "i haven't seen what she said, but if she was forced to do it against her will then I don't think he should have done that to her. But I don't think there is anything wrong with a foot fetish, or with being made to feel uncomfortable."
Bella "no woman should ever be made to feel uncomfortable, especially by a man."
At this point I feel the pressure mounting as they all look at me like I'm some piece of shit, and I need to decide if I should let it go or keep going. I decide to push forward, but as carefully as possible to not be an asshole.
Me " again, I don't think anyone should do anything against their will, and I haven't seen what she actually said about it, but I really don't think being uncomfortable is bad. I haven't seen the movie since it released so I might be misremembering what exactly happened, but wasn't the girl that got her feet filmed also playing a 16 year old that got filmed from behind in tiny shorts bent over looking in the car? And didn't she try to suck brad Pitts dick? Again, I'm not judging her or saying what should or shouldn't make her uncomfortable, but I'd guess most people would feel more uncomfortable filmed from behind while bent over in daisy duke shorts than simply showing their feet."
Carrie: "she didn't want to do it and that's all that matters. They forced her to do it."
Bella and Eva pretty much tag team attack now: "no that's not just what matters. Men shouldn't make women uncomfortable. Men having been doing that too long. No one should ever have to feel uncomfortable in any situation..."
Me: "you made me uncomfortable from the start by attacking my foot fetish!"
Eva: " I'm sorry for that, we all have a right to not be uncomfortable."
Me "I accept your apology, but I disagree still. I think being uncomfortable is an ok thing. Especially in acting. The best movies, the ones that make you feel some real emotion almost all probably make their actors uncomfortable. Do you think filming Parasite was always comfortable? Getting tied to a radiator in a basement and tape over their mouth? Crawling through flooded streets? How about the other actors in OUATIH? Getting the shit beat out of them and fried with a flamethrower ?"(editors note again, I know they didn't really burn up a person or really beat someone, but I can imagine filming those scenes or even seeing a dummy of you getting flamed is pretty uncomfortable).
Carrie: "you don't know if they were uncomfortable unless they said it. Anyway you are misunderstanding what we are saying.
Me: "please explain again then, I want to understand your point of view."
Bella "no he's not misunderstanding, we (implying her and the Taiwan girl) think people should be safe from feeling uncomfortable. No one should be uncomfortable, especially not by someone with power over them like a man, or a male director or boss."
At this point I feel like the conversation has just about run it's course and I'm definitely a villain. Gf has been squeezing my hand and kicking me under the table for the past few minutes trying to get me to stop, but I try one more time (this is probably where era shits on me)
Me: "which movie made you feel more emotion, Once upon a time in Hollywood or any marvel movies? The one with the uncomfortable actress and her feet probably made you feel more emotions, it probably resonated with you a lot more deeply than endgame or captain marvel."
Carrie: "actually I like the marvel movies better, I cried at the end of infinity war."
They all agree with her that marvel is somehow more moving than Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. I feel them giving me dagger eyes.
Me: "ok not movies then, I like being in uncomfortable situations. I love traveling and wandering into new cities and back alleys and chatting up strangers. I love trying new foods, trying new experiences like skydiving, or scuba diving... none of these things are comfortable. Getting out of the comfort zone is one of the things that makes me feel alive. Life would be so boring if I was always comfortable."
This is where Bella really comes hard at me
Bella "I don't think any of us really appreciate you mansplaining. Men aren't always right, especially not men like you. Let's just change the topic and be done with it."
So I'm pretty much left shook by what happened, they ignored me the rest of the night on the few times I tried to join the conversation. My gfs sister also told her I was rude afterwards because we had our own conversation in chinese after they started ignoring me. She said I shouldn't speak Chinese at the table when not everyone understands (5 of 6 understand, and it was just me and gf talking anyway because we were being ignored).
I know it's long and I'm sorry, just wanted to make sure to set the full scene. Questions for the board:
Was I an asshole? Did I mansplain? Is friendly debate, discussion or disagreement without personal attacks no longer allowed? Was it simply a misunderstanding because of English as second language for them? Is being uncomfortable really a bad thing? Should I apologize?
TLDR: told that we all have the right to never be uncomfortable. Pretty much became a villain because I think being uncomfortable is ok, depending on the situation of course.
