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Is it normal to still be upset at things that happened to you on Highschool

PhoenixAKG

PhoenixAKG

Member
Aug 14, 2019
7,814
I've talked about this before in some of my post but during the last two years of Higschool some of my 'friends' acted like jerks and did a bunch of uncool things like constantly making disgusting and disturbing incest 'jokes' about me and my brother, getting mad at us when we talked about our interest for no reasons, getting mad at us when we called them out for being jerks and saying stuff like "it's just a joke, why are you being an asshole, etc'. One time I accidently dropped 20 dollars and one my 'friends' found it and knew I dropped it but he decided to keep it and when someone told me had it he had the nerve to get mad that he was caught. This same person also spoiled Star Wars for my brother for no reason even after my brother told him not to and his reason was "i felt like being a dick". When we went to uni we still had a group chat with some of these people and the same people who were acting as jerks continued and when we called them out they got mad at us for being mad at them. Eventually some of them did apologize but I feel it was too late for some of them so my brother and I are like "eh". Recently in an instagram chat with some of our friends from HS, we talked about HS a bit and my brother brought up how the guy who stole, spoiled Star Wars and made the incest "jokes" was such a creep. Someone else on the chat tried to defend him and said he wasn't and was like "when are you going to move past HS" which is something I don't think he has the right to say or even get annoyed as he didn't go through what we did and I actually told him this in a private message later on. Anyway this whole thing got me wondering, is it normal to still be mad at people for things they did in HS?
 
xxracerxx

xxracerxx

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
31,222
It's not unreasonable to not like a person because they are shitty, no. Dwelling on it and letting it affect you personally years later? Best to just move on from it, especially if they are not even in your everyday life now.
 
TaySan

TaySan

SayTan
Member
Dec 10, 2018
31,452
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Are these people still a part of your life after high school? It's understandable to be upset at what happened to you, but dwelling on it years afterwords is not good for you. It's just best to move on for your own peace of mind.
 
Garp TXB

Garp TXB

Member
Apr 1, 2020
6,299
Yeah, it's hard to relate, because as soon as I graduated, I wanted nothing to do with anyone other than my close immediate high school friends. I wouldn't have been talking to any of the "dicks" or even cared where they were or what they were doing. But this was pre-social media, so...
 
Squarehard

Squarehard

Member
Oct 27, 2017
25,895
It sort of feels like you've already let it go, but your friend hasn't.

Is that friend who defended the person still friends with that person?
 
Wrexis

Wrexis

Member
Nov 4, 2017
21,247
Depends on your age and how you think of them.
I mean I remember stupid shit from 20 years ago but I'm not traumatized by it.
 

Deleted member 8752

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 26, 2017
10,122
There's no expiration date on childhood traumas. I'm 33 and have only recently discovered that certain actions by people in my childhood and high school years (particularly from family members) were abusive towards me.

If it's petty drama, sure let it go. But some things may require therapy to untangle and move passed.
 
gozu

gozu

Member
Oct 27, 2017
10,341
America
Nah, anger is bad for the soul. There is a reason why Jesus said that shocking stuff about forgiveness.

Forgiving frees you. Anger poisons you.
 
Lobster Roll

Lobster Roll

signature-less, now and forever
Member
Sep 24, 2019
34,380
If something is causing you trauma, there's no set timetable for how & when someone is able to reconcile with events from the past. If the situation described is free from trauma, though, it's probably best to let that stuff go. They absolutely deserve to be called a creep in the present and the future for making incest jokes, but the $20 and Star Wars stuff is completely benign in the long run.
 
AstralTurfWarrior

AstralTurfWarrior

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,147
Finland
xxracerxx said:
It's not unreasonable to not like a person because they are shitty, no. Dwelling on it and letting it affect you personally years later? Best to just move on from it, especially if they are not even in your everyday life now.
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Yeah dwelling on it isn't good.

But obviously that doesn't mean you just have to forget it either. Things happened and that can't be undone. Better to move on, though nothing wrong with occasionally remembering it either if it happens to come to your mind.
 
DragonSJG

DragonSJG

Banned
Mar 4, 2019
14,341
Lobster Roll said:
If something is causing you trauma, there's no set timetable for how & when someone is able to reconcile with events from the past. If the situation described is free from trauma, though, it's probably best to let that stuff go. They absolutely deserve to be called a creep in the present and the future for making incest jokes, but the $20 and Star Wars stuff is completely benign in the long run.
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Stealing can't be benign
 

HomokHarcos

Member
Jul 11, 2018
2,447
Canada
There are some awful things that happen in high school, such as school shootings than can definitely cause long lasting trauma.
 
shaneo632

shaneo632

Weekend Planner
Member
Oct 29, 2017
29,008
Wrexham, Wales
It depends entirely what it is. Something deeply traumatic and abusive? Sure. Some kid being a minor asshole in a relatively benign way? Nah, stop letting them live rent-free in your head.
 
AIan

AIan

Member
Oct 20, 2019
4,867
I feel like people can change significantly from middle school but high school is when people start honing in to their permanent personalities. People will still be ignorant as adults as they were in high school. That's not to say people can't change from high school, but most people will act similarly as they did then, relatively speaking.
 
The Adder

The Adder

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,121
You've got at least 10 years to be mad about something that didn't put you in the hospital and was never sincerely apologized for.
 
LProtagonist

LProtagonist

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
7,589
Probably not, but I still take joy in the fact that this dude who bullied me in elementary, middle, and high school, who ended up being the most popular kid in high school now has a failed baseball career where he keeps having to switch to very minor league teams to keep his dream of playing for the majors alive and it'll never happen.
 
Menthuss

Menthuss

Member
Oct 27, 2017
309
Sounds like your brother was hurt more by the jokes and bad behaviour than you were.
Have you talked with your brother about his inability to let it go?
The thing about childhood events is that stuff that is considered inconsequential by adults can have a much larger impact on children, as their worldview is much smaller due to their inexperience. This prevents them from relativizing harmful events when they happen early on in their childhood and cause bigger mental scars than you would expect.
 
lunarworks

lunarworks

Member
Oct 25, 2017
22,169
Toronto
I saw this on reddit earlier, and it pretty much sums up my feelings:

rdqiuD4.png
 
DragonSJG

DragonSJG

Banned
Mar 4, 2019
14,341
Menthuss said:
Sounds like your brother was hurt more by the jokes and bad behaviour than you were.
Have you talked with your brother about his inability to let it go?
The thing about childhood events is that stuff that is considered inconsequential by adults can have a much larger impact on children, as their worldview is much smaller due to their inexperience. This prevents them from relativizing harmful events when they happen early on in their childhood and cause bigger mental scars than you would expect.
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Uh not really, I've more or less come to terms with it, at most get a little annoyed ever now and then
 
pechorin

pechorin

Banned
Apr 13, 2020
2,572
No it's not, in fact I think it makes it even worse that it happened during those years because usually that's the time where things that happen to us affect our trajectory in life the most.
 
Saucycarpdog

Saucycarpdog

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,351
This topic reminds me of another thread on here a while back. The thread was about physical violence teachers face today and this one user was almost defending it cause his teachers turned a blind eye to his bullying when he was younger.

That's the kind of anger and bitterness that one needs to let go of. It's hard, I know, but all it does is sit in your mind and poison your ability to have empathy.
 
rycisko

rycisko

Banned
Nov 1, 2017
489
You'll find out as you get older how little time you should be spending on something that doesn't make you happy. People, actions, things you do, etc. Once you learn to just dump them and move on and worry about yourself, I promise the happiness is worth it and far outmatches the loneliness many people think comes with leaving things behind.

Your "friends" seem like douche bags, and that's coming from someone who was a jock-asshole-make fun of band nerds-guy here. I grew up, and if others don't you need to leave them behind. I mean what's the point?

As for how long to hold a grudge that's on you to decide. Even now I try to hold zero grudges or stay mad about things. Cut em loose, do something to fix it, but always spend your energy in a way it comes back to you. Important not just for peace of mind but for your mental health.

HS is also different for everyone. For me it was still 4 of the best years of my life. Had a huge group of friends that are still close to this day, it's not like that for a lot of people. Just focus on you
 
Elegant Weapon

Elegant Weapon

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,747
PhoenixAKG said:
For the record I just turned 23
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then this shit was just a few years ago...

if you and your brother trained in boxing or jujutsu specifically to fight that kid, I wouldn't blame you

fuck the other guy who said get over it, too.

I will say that a good amount of that shit was very regular as in it's normalized to be a dick to your friends. The incest jokes seems standard but that doesn't mean it's cool.
The way young men are taught to talk to each other is pure trash. Toxic masculinity is trash.
 
Silvergun-Blue

Silvergun-Blue

Member
Oct 26, 2017
9,939
If somebody was an asshole to you then they're not owed the benefit of the doubt later on down the line, and you're entitled to to think ill of them.
Just because you still don't like them it doesn't mean you haven't "moved past high school" that's an obnoxious term used by people who can't acknowledge shitty past behavior and want to pass the burden onto the victim.
 
kirby_fox

kirby_fox

Member
Oct 29, 2017
5,733
Midwest USA
I'm in my thirties and I want nothing to do with plenty of people I went to high school with because of how they acted then.

This isn't "Move on from high school" where you're constantly thinking and upset about it. This is people who were shitty and avoiding toxic assholes. You don't get the benefit of the doubt because some years passed by.
 
The Smoking Man

The Smoking Man

Member
Nov 29, 2018
1,087
I mean, you're kind of allowed to be upset about shitty behavior for as long as you want. As long as it doesn't consume you or adversely affect your mental health there's no period of time that you're supposed to "get over it"
 

Lyude77

Member
Dec 19, 2017
168
Silvergun-Blue said:
If somebody was an asshole to you then they're not owed the benefit of the doubt later on down the line, and you're entitled to to think ill of them.
Just because you still don't like them it doesn't mean you haven't "moved past high school" that's an obnoxious term used by people who can't acknowledge shitty past behavior and want to pass the burden onto the victim.
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Exactly how I feel. If someone was a jerk to you like 5 years ago, you don't need to be friends with that person. That's not called "not letting it go", that's called "not being friends with a jerk".

If dude wants to pay back the $20 with interest to apologize and say that he knows better now, you can forgive him or whatever, but that's not what is happening.
 
psynergyadept

psynergyadept

Member
Oct 26, 2017
15,642
Yes, if the shit they said was hurtful to you and was never resolved then I wouldn't blame you for holding some resentment. but I guess it depends if the person has changed for the better; I've met both people who have done a complete 180 since high school and those who are still the dicks they were in high school.

it's okay to look back and be like "what a total ass they were back then" just make sure it doesn't hold you back from new friendships in the future.
 
Ouroboros

Ouroboros

Member
Oct 27, 2017
13,012
United States
I'm almost 35 and I sometimes get riled up from thinking about some shitty times in high school. I think it's normal but try to not let it affect your quality of life. If you are dwelling on the past too much, maybe consider seeking a professional to talk about it.
 
TaterTots

TaterTots

Member
Oct 27, 2017
12,966
Just turned 36 and I could not care less about any of the shit from my school days. When I was younger it could bother me, but I've reached a point where I realized we were all kids back then and some of us had a lot of growing to do etc. I hold no grudges. People fuck up. I just hope they're in a better place now and have learned throughout life.
 
AlexBasch

AlexBasch

Member
Oct 27, 2017
7,312
Cobra Kai is basically the story of some dude in his mid-50's who can't let go about the fact that he was kicked in the face by another dude during high school.

So yeah, take care of yourself.
 
Gunny T Highway

Gunny T Highway

Unshakable Resolve - One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 27, 2017
17,026
Canada
After a certain amount of years you need to let some of that stuff go because it is unhealthy for you mentally.
 
You Are Viewtiful

You Are Viewtiful

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,428
I actually didn't like talking to 18-22 years old even when I was 23, because they would never stop talking about high school drama. I guess it's "normal" but it does make people sound immature.

That sounds like small fry stuff, OP. Teenagers are assholes and everyone is awkward at that age, it's best to move on as quickly as possible.
 
Wilsongt

Wilsongt

Member
Oct 25, 2017
18,507
High school was 18 years ago for me. I have been in therapy for 10 years for things that happened during middle school/high school.
 
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