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Is flirting with a 19 year old at 28 creepy?
- Thread starter Bee.Cups
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Yeah I'm just not okay with an adult that's interested in dating a teenager that's barely entering adulthood. Sorry about that. There's a fundamental power dynamic imbalance that's just not right.
That's a gap of 11 years of life experience between two people. A baby that wouldn't have been able to talk could have been born in those 11 years and would now be entering their preteens.
I would not be okay with my child dating someone who would have had 1 year as an adult dating someone who hypothetically would have graduated college at 21 and has been 8 years into forming their career.
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I guess we should also have issues with people under the age of 25 marrying other people under the age of 25 because science shows they clearly don't know what they are getting into. The world would be a very different place if people waited until the age of 25 to make those kinds of decisions. I'd argue many of us wouldn't even be here.
What is legal and what is moral are often not necessarily the same? And it's not like every person has a switch in their brain that magically flips on their 18th birthday. The law is just a shorthand that applies to people broadly because it has to, but different aspects of development mature at different ages. Recent studies show that rationing parts of the brain don't complete development until 25, for example. Of course this is a general number again as well and differs by person.
The funniest thing about ERA is how sometimes, one side of an issue thinks they're the normal side as opposed to ERA personified.
It takes a mere few seconds to Google and find out things like "most couples have smaller age gaps" and "couples with smaller age gaps are likely to report more satisfaction," but no.
Like, feel free to do what y'all want that's not illegal! I've really just been on here correcting misinformation & providing evidence because it's entertaining; my first post was the main thing I think about the subject.
That said, being pedantic: It's just a pet peeve when the weird side thinks they're not the weird side.
If both have more or less the same age they are growing together, one doesn't has a big advantage over the other.
And the majority of marriages end in divorce anyway, so yeah, most don't know what they're doing.
Right? lol
But it makes them feel better, so...
It's also a forum where 30 year old adults ask if it's ok to date teenagers.
He's like the 20th person in this thread who has said this. These people have no reality. 19 is an adult. They can do whatever they want in life on their in the US except drink alcohol. Anywhere else in the world that doesn't even apply.
Even people at the same age can come from very different backgrounds and have different life experiences. A 20 yr old that grew up in a warzone probably has a different life perspective than a 20 yr old that grew up in Orange County. They still might hit it off regardless. Another 20 yr old might have skipped college to start their own business and now is a billionaire. Are they then not allowed to date the 20 yr old they met that was working at the local grocery store? Two people being on equal footing probably isn't all that common regardless of their age.
I'm not talking about the law I'm calling out your belief that a 19 year old is a child.
If you personally believe that a 19 year old should not drive, smoke, live alone, If you believe that a 19 year old criminal should go to Juvie. Then yeah YOU believe that a 19 year old is just a children.
If you are going to call someone a child then consistent think of them as children in every aspect not just in judging their dating lives.
This is not about legality it never was. Is about the poster beliefs. If the poster literally believes a 19 year old to be in their own words a Child. Then the poster should not draw the line at age gap when dating. But should also be advocating for 19 year olds to lose all of the adult privileges and responsibilites.
This was always used to put pressure on girls to "grow up" while "boys be boys" and it's harmful.
18 years old women AREN'T thinking like 28 years olds because they "mature faster". They are still thinking like teenagers.
Sure, but this isn't the norm at all. And no matter the life differences, their brain is more or less developed in the same way.
Threads like this make me question everything I thought I knew about Resetera.
OP: If you're doing this like you say, more or less letting them take the lead and treating them with respect, I don't think it's creepy at all. Some people might, on a superficial read, find it creepy, but if you two are treating each other with respect and just enjoying each others company, what's creepy about that? If the ages were a little younger, I might change that stance, but it seems all right from here.
Thank you for making mine and my wife's day with this post.
The OP is free to do what they want. Plenty of people here have already said she's past the age of consent and I'm not sure why that keeps getting brought up because the question in the OP isn't "Is this legal," its "is it creepy." And yes, I think dating a teen when you're almost 30 is creepy. Legality and morality are not always the same thing and it's bizarre to me that people in this thread keep acting like it is.
As countless other people have said, There is absolutely a power dynamic between someone who is 19, right out of high school, and someone who is 28 and has way more "real-life" experience. It's not the same as if it was 23 vs 32 or 28 vs 37. I'm 31 and I personally would feel really uncomfortable to date anyone younger than 24.
Another thing I've been seeing a lot in this thread - I very much question the idea that there's no difference in maturity between someone in the late teens and early twenties. Again, 19 is right out of high school. At least in your early twenties you're either close to graduating college or you've been in the workforce for years. (And yes, I know there's always exceptions, please don't go into the semantics of "what if they drop out of college" or whatever).
Also "she's very mature for her age" is literally a textbook excuse people use for relationships that clearly have power dynamics. It's an excuse for something the OP is already thinking might not be a good idea.
People in this thread saying it's fine are literally just saying it to justify the fact they would probably do it in the OP's scenario. "It's legal," She's mature," and "The OP should follow their heart" are paper-thin arguments that completely gloss over the main counter argument, which is that there is unquestionably a power imbalance between someone in their late 20s/early 30s and a teen. And anyone using these arguments is just trying to tell themselves it would be fine for them to date a teenager. And if that's what you want to do, fine. But I'm allowed to think that's creepy.
I know this is blunt but this thread has gotten kind of uncomfortable and I'm tired of people glossing over why they would think this is a good idea.
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Yes, many arguments presented here are used as excuses for awful acts. In comparison OP is not creepy at all.
"Women mature 10 years faster"
"Teenagers can manipulate adults"
"It's legal" (in some countries it's legal to have sex with minors, it doesn't matter)
Within the same post you're saying "this isn't about the law" and "so a 19 year old shouldn't be able to drive?" - you just don't get it. The law ideally s shouldn't hate the ability to drive beyond age but instead be based on competency and mental maturity. Similarly with legal responsibility and everything else. But that's too much work on the government's part, which is why they just set an age limit to make things simple.
I think people need to differentiate between the OP and the larger conversation at play here.
The OP seeems to be a decent person so as long as they are respectful and doesn't take advantage of the younger partners naïveté I don't see a problem.
But you all know that are some really shitty people out there and younger people are much easier to take advantage of because of their relative lack of resources and experience. It's even worse if they come from a difficult background. Even if they're not, these are still young adults who are used to being dependent upon a parental figure and people who are starting their careers can take advantage of that.
Every individual is different of course, but if any of my relatives who are around this age asked me for my opinion on dating a 28 year old, my answer would be
"You probably shouldn't but if you do be fucking careful."
The OP seeems to be a decent person so as long as they are respectful and doesn't take advantage of the younger partners naïveté I don't see a problem.
But you all know that are some really shitty people out there and younger people are much easier to take advantage of because of their relative lack of resources and experience. It's even worse if they come from a difficult background. Even if they're not, these are still young adults who are used to being dependent upon a parental figure and people who are starting their careers can take advantage of that.
Every individual is different of course, but if any of my relatives who are around this age asked me for my opinion on dating a 28 year old, my answer would be
"You probably shouldn't but if you do be fucking careful."
Yeah, it's weird.
It's uncomfortable to see some posters go this hard in defense of why 30-year-olds should be able to fuck teens.
Also "she's very mature for her age" is like fucking textbook grooming talk.
It's an instrument often employed by older people against younger to ignore the potential issues of the differences in age.
Just read or listen to some victims of grooming to see how often that comes up.
It's an instrument often employed by older people against younger to ignore the potential issues of the differences in age.
Just read or listen to some victims of grooming to see how often that comes up.
I know you may not be specifically responding to the OP in this case but do keep in mind the OP is ace and stated there's gonna be no fucking going on.
I'd expand on this and say it's a pet peeve when someone couches their side in terms of normal vs. ERA personified, period. It's almost never a useful way to frame things. You didn't actually make an effort to accurately measure opinion, you aren't telling me the issue with an opinion being disproportionately represented here or there, you aren't explaining why having a minority opinion is suddenly some disgusting abnormality. Only thing you're doing is reaffirming your preexisting conceptions. And making the vibe a little bit worse.
Mentioned it a few pages ago, but I think OP's scenario is a lot less problematic than the "She's 18 so she's legal" and "grooming is just a buzzword" opinions some people have shared.
I'm asking them personally if they believe a 19 year old should drive. I'm not asking a broader question if a 19 year old person should drive.
If they truly believe a 19 year old to be a child they should be consistent in their belief and not only apply it regards to a chosen partner's age.
Yeah? and how would you measure mental competency and maturity? At some point we have to take a leap of faith and assume that people past a certain age will MOST LIKELY have enough competency and maturity to deal with strong responsibilities and the consequences of their actions.
it seems like as a society we mostly zeroed in on 18 as being the age where a person will most likely be capable of dealing with responsibilities. So if I hear of an 18 year old making a decision that they might regret such as dating an older person. Unless I have more information I'm not just going to immediately assume they're being manipulated because of their immaturity. I will respect their choice, and not be judgemental.
Yeah lol
And not only that, the title specifically asks about flirting. Like it's right there.
A shitton of conflating going on.
I don't see how this matters. Coples with the same religious beliefs are most likely to succeed and guaranteed to have less friction in their marriage. Yet I doubt anyone here would use statistics to try to dissuade a person from dating someone from a different religious background.
As long as they're aware of the risks they should be able to try.
Wait.... so now is wrong for a consenting adult to have sex with an older person?
So... should a 19 year old not have casual sex or a one night stand with a 28 year old? is that immoral now?
What if an 19 year old hires a 30 year old prostitute (assuming they live in a place where it is legal) should they refuse their services to adults with too big of an age gap?
Just to note, the OP states herself to be an asexual female. Not to say 'not wanting to bang' is automatic clearance, but.
Serious question, do you read what you typed before clicking that post reply?
why is this the hypothetical
why would you choose this as the hypothetical
My dude
If you are asking if this is a strange or weird or creepy situation. The answer would be yes.
Those prostitution "what if" is the exact kind of thing that gets a thread locked as we've hit the crazy sides of the discussion haha
I mean yeah that's forcing a child into a marriage.
Like the legality isn't really the defense, as if "it's legal" means it's perfectly fine and not up to question. A "legal adult" is someone we've declared capable of full autonomy, except that full autonomy was decided on over 50 years ago now and maybe it's really arbitrary and could use a second review.
My ex was 19 when I was 28. I wasn't even looking to get with her, honestly. It was mostly my dad pushing and pushing for me to be with her, since I guess he got word that she was interested in me. The weird thing is that her family was all for it. It didn't last long, though; I was never really into her and I don't remember really having anything in common with her to begin with.
Honestly, though, 9 years isn't that big of an age gap, anyway, so long as at least one person in the relationship isn't underage.
Honestly, though, 9 years isn't that big of an age gap, anyway, so long as at least one person in the relationship isn't underage.
What if one is an 87-year-old Dúnedain getting together with a 2,700-year-old elf?
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