This is a weird thing to say. Like you're making it sound like everyone is a teenager until they're 25
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Is flirting with a 19 year old at 28 creepy?
- Thread starter Bee.Cups
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This is a weird thing to say. Like you're making it sound like everyone is a teenager until they're 25
On paper there is nothing wrong with (or at least I hope it is legal were you live if by any chance it isn't, stop it!).
In practice, it depends: there is definitely a certain excitement in hanging out/flirting with someone much younger, and nowadays the gap closed a bit with how we all express ourselves over the internet (19yo share the same content as 28yo).
But I realized that once I got over the first steps I had huge issues in just being in totally different places in life. Just being a fulltime worker vs a uni student / someone starting their lives made me notice the huge gap in energies, time for another person, interests, goals, etc. Just keeping the dynamics working (before even reaching a romantic/sexual phase) takes from me much more than what would a person of my age.
And as someone said, at that age they're still not entirely there yet and might come out with some wild shit that can blow up in many ways.
Still, nothing wrong with experimenting, it might teach you a lot.
In practice, it depends: there is definitely a certain excitement in hanging out/flirting with someone much younger, and nowadays the gap closed a bit with how we all express ourselves over the internet (19yo share the same content as 28yo).
But I realized that once I got over the first steps I had huge issues in just being in totally different places in life. Just being a fulltime worker vs a uni student / someone starting their lives made me notice the huge gap in energies, time for another person, interests, goals, etc. Just keeping the dynamics working (before even reaching a romantic/sexual phase) takes from me much more than what would a person of my age.
And as someone said, at that age they're still not entirely there yet and might come out with some wild shit that can blow up in many ways.
Still, nothing wrong with experimenting, it might teach you a lot.
I acknowledged the lack of skill and driving experience in the crashes, but you shouldn't overlook the speeding tickets. That has nothing to do with technical driving skill and awareness, that's because you get more sense by maturing. It's not like you learn by experience to push the pedal more lightly, high speeding is rarely an accident or a lack of skill, it's a choice and a poor one. The higher fatality in the crashes with youth is largely because of the higher speeds. There's very steep decline in speeding violations from 18 to pushing 30.
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Just looking at those numbers you could make the case to increase the age requirement for getting a license. Might as well not stop there though. Should probably do it for legal age to drink, vote, join military, and get married. Where does it stop?
What is with the "in common" argument? The other arguments I get but there could be a ton if answers to your questions.
Maybe they both like bowling or videogames or comics or anime or running or acting or poetry etc.
I've met plenty of 19 year olds that were more mature than some 50 year olds.At nineteen they are an adult. Your 28 not 60. There is nothing wrong with that.
Emotional intelligence and cognitive maturity are not the same thing. Those 19 year old will feel that they were young and inexperienced when they get older. Again, it goes back to the distinction of being a young adult and an adult.
Apparently it's all good cause it was legal according to most posters here.
I can't really speak for other people, but speaking as somebody who is married to somebody who is less than a year younger than them and has (almost) financial parity, I can't say the scenario layer out is something I'd consider… But I don't consider it healthy to pass these judgements on other people without knowing more, and even then I don't know everything.
If they love and respect each other, why shouldn't it be ok? Maybe it is true that a 19 years old isn't a fully developed adult, but some of you act like they are little naive children. Yes they still lack experience, but like with anything you need somewhere to start and as long the more experienced one is more respectful and dosen't push for anything, I don't see a problem. This is true for any relationship btw.
In general I don't think that most relationships with a huge age gap will work out because of lack of shared interests or different points in live decision making, but that dosen't have to be true for OP.
I dont know about you, but as a 33 year old I can absolutely 100% say that when I was 19 I was a naive child. Grown people interested in dating teenagers is weird straight up.
People aren't bringing these things up because they want the laws to change. They are bringing them up because they are saying legality is not the barometer people think it is. 18 is just an arbitrary age we decided to designate people as adults so saying they are both of legal age is giving an arbitrary reason why this is not creepy.
It was creepy and yet you did it? Or is this some type of stealth brag?
I don't get it. I'm 29 years old and have zero interest in dating a teenager. Is it that hard to at least wait until someone is 20? I know that may seem like very arbitrary rule but can we just let the individual get out of their teen years?
Anybody under 25 is basically a child to me tbh, but dating somebody too young to even meet you at a bar, when you're almost 30 years old is hella weird, what are they gonna do show me their fortnite dances while I hang their report card up on the fridge or something?
Wanting laws to change is an entirely seperate can of worms of a discussion. But you're right, 18 is just an arbitrary age most countries designated as adults.
I also am living with my niece and this thread is only reaffirming my apprehension of her navigating the world once she's 18.
Especially because since I have two sisters I've seen first hand how older men push up on young women by making sure they're "legal" (ugh).
The thing you people who keep arguing this don't seem to get is that no one is saying the 19 year old isn't capable of making their own decisions. However the 28 year old with a fully developed brain who should know better is the one who needs to take a step back and really consider how good of an idea this is.
OP do whatever you want, legally you can't get in trouble, but don't get upset if the people around you think you are a bit of a creep.
Yeah I was too anything other than grown up. But part of being an adult is to learn to do responsible live decisions for yourself and there has to be a starting point for that. In general the difference between a 15 years old and a 19 years old is bigger than a 19 years old and other young adults.
And I don't know. In the case the love to each other is strong enough I do understand why it can happen. It is not like OP did know here age from the begining.
It is always easy to argue that it is weird when you aren't involved.
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The point was that if you want to use the reason against it as being because that person's brain hasn't fully developed then we can apply the same logic to alot of things.
Eh I disagree. When I was 19 I was MUCH more similar to my 15 year old self then my adult self.
Yeah for real what is up with that argument? My grandpa was 21 when he married my grandma who was 16 at the time. It worked out I guess but it's still scuzzy as all hell.
Regarding the OP, the general rule should be if you are at an age where your brain is fully developed then don't date people who aren't. I'm sure you can find people your own age to date.
I just keep trying to imagine ANY of my 30ish year old friends bringing a 19 year old around, and in every scenario it's incredibly weird and everyone present is uncomfortable.
If one of my homies introduce is new girflriend to me and she is wearing a 'Class of 2020' high school hoodie, he's getting the side-eye
If one of my homies introduce is new girflriend to me and she is wearing a 'Class of 2020' high school hoodie, he's getting the side-eye
You only quoted me twice :) Why is this the worst life story ever told? We are happily married.
So you would say people in high school and university act more or less the same?
I'm 25 now and I don't have the feeling that I'm a completely different person to my 19 years old self than I was to my 15 years one. With 15 I lived at home with my parents and I had 0 experience in almost anything. With 19 I lived alone for the first time, had a job and my first relationship which actually was a relationship. That is much closer to my life now.
To be fair if you confide in anyone in the online space you are entertaining the possibility that the person you are talking to may be basically any age. It's definitely not normal to confide in anyone online though in the grand scheme of things let alone a college freshman but I don't think THAT part would raise much eyebrows in the online space.
Yeah I'd definitely say a freshman in college acts the same as a high schooler.
But like, this thread isn't about your situation. It's directly related to an age gap in a potential relationship where the younger party is 19. Every post of yours essentially boils down to you seeming insecure about your relationship's age gap, which to be honest might be something you want to look into. Because really, if you were to ask the same question about a 26 and a 35 year old entering a relationship, then almost certainly an overwhelming majority of responders would not find it creepy at all.
This is not a difficult concept to grasp, so I'm not sure why you're making it so obtuse. As it directly relates to OP's situation and the premise of this thread, anyway.
Nope, pretty terrible.
Yeah, you could. Age limits are changed all the time. The legal smoking age was raised in the US a few years ago (to 21). The US is still struggling to eliminate child marriages and it's only in the last 5 years or so that states have really begun adding minimum age limits or raising minimum ages for marriage. The legal drinking age in the US is 21, which was raised in the 80s. It has overwhelming support in the US. But that's just another and different arbitrary line than the 18 it used to be. Who knows what the laws will say in the future?
Depends on the 19 year old I would say.
Some, far from all and a minoirity, are way more developed emotionally and more logical leaning. In general I would say it is wrong due to your age and experience could be seen as a power factor compared to the 19 year old.
Some, far from all and a minoirity, are way more developed emotionally and more logical leaning. In general I would say it is wrong due to your age and experience could be seen as a power factor compared to the 19 year old.
It is weird at least. Of course this depends on what your culture is as some don't really find it creepy or weird.
Personally, I am interested in people that are in similar age. I can't see myself dating someone much younger than me. It just feels weird.
I am nearly 24 years old (will be so in december) so I don't see an issue with dating someone that is 19. It is not that big of a difference. But even then, I don't see myself dating younger than that and I will feel even strongly about it in a couple of years as there would be a bigger difference by then.
The more I age the older my preference becomes.
Edit: With that said, I feel like older than 25 or around it is fair game. By that point they are adult and have matured enough to be able to function with someone older like say 37 or so.
Personally, I am interested in people that are in similar age. I can't see myself dating someone much younger than me. It just feels weird.
I am nearly 24 years old (will be so in december) so I don't see an issue with dating someone that is 19. It is not that big of a difference. But even then, I don't see myself dating younger than that and I will feel even strongly about it in a couple of years as there would be a bigger difference by then.
The more I age the older my preference becomes.
Edit: With that said, I feel like older than 25 or around it is fair game. By that point they are adult and have matured enough to be able to function with someone older like say 37 or so.
I had basically nothing in common with myself by the time I was 19. It's almost like everyone develops differently so age is not really the best way to choose who you spend your life with.
User Banned (Permanent): Armchair diagnosing and harassing another member over multiple posts; prior severe bans for dismissive behavior.
You were groomed by your husband. I mean, I'm happy that you're living a happy life and that you're an anomaly because you're not emotionally traumatised but let's not try to sugarcoat a predatory life story.
Every person is different, so it's difficult to say in a blanket manner that it's always a bad thing, but when I dated someone who was even four years younger than me (we were in high school together when it started, freshman and senior; I graduated but we stayed in touch and dated for a little bit on and off over the course of a few months or so, then there was a few years of gap, then we gave it another shot when she was 19/20), I found that both times we were in completely different stages of our lives. The immaturity (on both ends) was a massive problem, and it didn't last due to that. There was also a problem of me essentially putting my emotional baggage onto this person, and as someone who was older, my baggage was likely worse than what many other people in that age range were dealing with. Years later, I've thought about that whole period as a mistake, and feel very wrong about it. I justified it at the time because we had gone to school together, but it was not a good move and is one of my great shames. It's now a full decade later, and we're on good terms, but it still eats at me that I thought of this as an okay thing to do. There was just too stark of a difference, and age and being in different phases of our lives (high school and college, then college and adulthood) was definitely the reason. There is a reason why we are heavily discouraged from doing this despite it being considered legally okay, and I don't think anyone is really exempt from that, despite how they might try to convince themselves otherwise.
So... yeah, from that experience, I'd say it's probably not a great idea. The ages of 14-18, 18-21, and 22+ all have a world of difference between them, and I don't think people should really cross those boundaries. Once someone's about 24 or so is when I don't really consider it creepy for them to date older people. Before that though? It's best to just not. I even somewhat think that they should move the age of consent upward a little bit. People don't really know themselves until they're 22 or so.
So... yeah, from that experience, I'd say it's probably not a great idea. The ages of 14-18, 18-21, and 22+ all have a world of difference between them, and I don't think people should really cross those boundaries. Once someone's about 24 or so is when I don't really consider it creepy for them to date older people. Before that though? It's best to just not. I even somewhat think that they should move the age of consent upward a little bit. People don't really know themselves until they're 22 or so.
But we're also kind of arbitrarily saying how much of an age gap is too much. I have no issue if someone is against a 28 year old dating a 19 yr old. We all have our personal comfort zones. I just don't think we can apply the label of creepy to it just because it's not something we would personally do. Or maybe I should say that it's fine to find it personally creepy but that's doesn't make it universally so.
OP, pursue a relationship that could make you happy.
or
Get the approval of the 43% of Era who might think you're a creep, without knowing anything about you or your life. A forum which has frequent threads with people trying to figure out the proper way to wipe their ass.
or
Get the approval of the 43% of Era who might think you're a creep, without knowing anything about you or your life. A forum which has frequent threads with people trying to figure out the proper way to wipe their ass.
If you want to defend an almost 30 year old dating a class of 2020 high school graduate, we'll have to agree to disagree, that shit is weird.
OP
OP
Okay this made me laugh.
Everyone I'm going through and reading every post seriously even if I don't respond. I'm honestly interested in your thoughts.
Don't you know?
Marriage at 18
Five kids by 24
Become old at 30
Become wholly unattractive at 40
Have a fleet of grandchildren at 45
Hahaha holy shit, shut the thread down. I think we're done here.
If you find you have a lot in common and get along well, go for it. Age gaps are pretty common, and so long as the younger partner is of legal age, it's fine. My mom was 37 when she married my stepdad, who was 20 at the time and they stayed married until my mom passed away in 2014. My best friend is almost 43 and his wife of 3 years is 28. So, those sorts of relationships can work. Nothing weird or creepy about it.
I worked retail in a college town for a dozen years, up to and including managing a team of ~40 mostly high school and college students, many of whom I did know personally outside of work and consider friends, and fuck yes people in high school and uni act similarly.
And fuck yes we should re-evaluate the age we send people off to the military, let them drive, get married, etc. Critically analyzing our norms & laws as new data arises is part of a healthy society. Shit, our current concept of "childhood" only started forming in the 17th century.
And fuck yes we should re-evaluate the age we send people off to the military, let them drive, get married, etc. Critically analyzing our norms & laws as new data arises is part of a healthy society. Shit, our current concept of "childhood" only started forming in the 17th century.
Well yeah, that's what this whole topic is. A discussion where people have placed that arbitrary line.
You are making a lot of assumptions based on the age of 2 people, that you know nothing about.
I was not in any way groomed, we have many shared interests which started us talking online and after we met in person we did stuff together and fell in love, the same way we would if we met when we were 30 and 34. My parents and his parents were both fine with our relationship.
I love this post, you made both my husband and I laugh out loud.
Yeah I after giving it some thought, I think I've come to this conclusion: Generally speaking, it's a bit creepy on the surface. I think most people are probably going to give you the side-eye.
However, I don't think it always has to be predatory despite what some on here have blatantly stated. It is entirely possible that a 30 year old and a 19 year old end up being perfect for eachother. I think there is a huge difference between somebody purposely seeking out 19 year olds, and somebody that is open to the possibility of having a relationshiop with a 19 year old, if a 19 year old were to contact them on a dating site, say. That's honestly me. I would talk to her. Get to know her. I would take things very slow. But I have serious doubts it would ever work out, because as others have stated, it's likely at our age difference we just want different things in life at that point. I ain't lookng for a good time in my 30s. I'm looking for something serious.
Honestly OP, it sounds like you are taking things slow and giving it a l ot of thought and I personally think that's fine. You don't seem like a predator. You are always going to have other adults judging what two adults do, for a variety of reasons. I'm sure you know this. You can't stop that. How do you feel? How does she feel? If both of you are happy and are taking things carefully, I honestly wish you the best of luck.
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