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Is flirting with a 19 year old at 28 creepy?
- Thread starter Bee.Cups
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Is there anything wrong with it, naw. For reference, my aunt at 21 married her husband at 36 and have been married for 35 years. Do you have chemistry and interests shared? Maturity could be an issue at 19 as well (let's not forget there's 50 y/o that are just as immature as a 20 y/o).
You couldn't possibly have anything in common, says internet message board whose interests largely revolve around video games, music, movies, sports, and anime.
23-25. 25 ideally.
The development between 18 and 25 is huge.
Why would 18 be the specific marker? Do you talk to 18 year olds? Can you not tell the difference in maturity levels between 18 and 25? Can you see a 25 year old is far less likely to be impressionable?
It's funny you are mentioning the switch flips at 20. Aren't you presenting that argument for 18? So everything changed when somebody turns 18? It doesn't. It doesn't change at 20. It is a long process over many years.
Anecdotal.
But, as to that last statement, I had an uncle who died a couple years ago who was in his 60s and his peer group was a good 25-30 years younger. Now that was fucking bizarre.
You weren't even 19 when you had your large age gap relationship, why are you offended? This doesn't even apply to you.
Some of these responses are as slezy as Alan Dershowit. Trying to act like lawyers and use legality to dismiss morality.
A 19 year old brain is still developing. It doesn't matter what you teach them and how they reinterpret that knowledge, their brain is still at a state of constant development psychologically, logically and emotionally. Somebody who is 21+ has a much more developed brain, they have a better awareness of life.
Arguing that an eighTEEN or nineTEEN year old is an adult as it relates to managing a romantic relationship is weirdo behavior. Some of you all definitely need to have these conversations in real life.
Oh, lol. Not sure why they mentioned 12 and 24 unless he was friends since she was 12.
Honestly if even the notion of it feeling creepy is popping into your mind then I'd most likely say avoid the situation. There's a lot of nuance to the situation for sure and outside of just plain legality. There's a lot more to it. Maturity, goals if you're actually trying to be in a relationship and whatever you actually have in common and connect on. I personally wouldn't. Always follow the 1/2+7 rule.
'still developing' is vague though, as is 'better awareness'. I'm sure you can understand that is nowhere close to universal. What are the specifics of why a few years more development between 19 and 21 are crucial in order to consider someone as being able to be recognized as an adult?
No point in arguing. Somehow if you are 18-19 you can't be a real adult and contribute to society and date who you want to. But 20? Sure go ahead. It no longer has teen in the title. Like it has anything to do with maturity.
There is no switch or marker. And that's the whole point. It's why people arguing "legality" here is strange. The legal age of consent is 13/14 in some countries. So by that logic, what makes any gap inappropriate? Is it purely the legality of the relationship? If it were legal for 28 year olds to date 14 year olds would that make it ok?
No. 18-23 (give or take) is an incredibly malleable and experimental stage in a persons life. While there are exceptions (as with everything). That's the age when people are just starting to push out into the world, distance themselves from their parents, and discover who they are. Pursuing these individuals for a serious relationship as a 28 year old who has already gone through all of that is odd even if it's legal.
I said there are exceptions—obviously it will depend on the situation and individuals. Still doesn't make it not creepy for me in most cases.
Like, when I hear of someone in their 20s/30s dating an 18 year old, I cannot mentally remove that from the idea that the person would likely be willing to date someone less than 18 but not wanting to get in trouble. I know we are discussing a 19 year old, but I'd be surprised if someone who dates a 19 year old would be put off going down one more year.
Dude you've around forever since the old days. Thank you. I know you are an actual adult with common sense.
Life experience.
Have they been in an actual relationship before? Do they have a job and if so for how long? Do they live on their own? Do they pay their own bills? Do they care for themselves? Do they have a plan for their future and how they are going to accomplish it?
Majority of what I just wrote a 19-20 year old will not have experienced. In the US they aren't even legally allowed to drink and enter bars/clubs.
It's funny how so many posts all assume either of these people want to go out to the bar and being together is a bad idea because one can legally go to the bar and another cannot.
I met my now husband when I was 14 turning 15 and he was 18 turning 19. We started dating 7 days after I turned 15 and have now been together 23 years, married 15. He has been in exactly 2 bars his entire life, once when he was 18 right before we started dating and once with me for a concert a few year ago which was attached to a bar. Neither of us drink or care to go out and party.
People thought I was too young to be in a serious relationship and that he was too old for me. I'm glad neither of us cared what other people thought because if we did we would have missed out on a great marriage and life together.
I met my now husband when I was 14 turning 15 and he was 18 turning 19. We started dating 7 days after I turned 15 and have now been together 23 years, married 15. He has been in exactly 2 bars his entire life, once when he was 18 right before we started dating and once with me for a concert a few year ago which was attached to a bar. Neither of us drink or care to go out and party.
People thought I was too young to be in a serious relationship and that he was too old for me. I'm glad neither of us cared what other people thought because if we did we would have missed out on a great marriage and life together.
I'll add to this: do they have enough mature dating experience that they can recognize your flaws and ways in which you might be manipulating them?
If there's anything I've learned from this thread, it's that older people (especially in this thread) aren't always mature.
For me, it's hard to see it not as creepy because I've gotten a ton from my life experience. I've been told, as a compliment, that I'm good at understanding people. What that often translates to is that I can see someone even 2 years younger than me fooling themselves way before they would.
You could argue, then, that the ideal is to find people with similar levels of perceptiveness and similar life experiences. And that could be more important than age itself.
But I would be wary of age gaps anyways because a lot of the time, that gap in life experience is evident. But the older person ignores it.
For me, it's hard to see it not as creepy because I've gotten a ton from my life experience. I've been told, as a compliment, that I'm good at understanding people. What that often translates to is that I can see someone even 2 years younger than me fooling themselves way before they would.
You could argue, then, that the ideal is to find people with similar levels of perceptiveness and similar life experiences. And that could be more important than age itself.
But I would be wary of age gaps anyways because a lot of the time, that gap in life experience is evident. But the older person ignores it.
She is 19 years old. A grown adult who we as society treat as such at all time.
At 19 you can drive, drink and be prossecuted as an adult, but not date whomever you want?
She lacks living experience, but if she is willing to accept the fact, then go ahead.
Going to preface that by saying that I am happy for you guys and am glad to hear things worked out great.
If you both were in highschool, I don't see much wrong with this situation (though still depends on certain factors). However if he were in college and you a freshman in highschool, that would come across as extremely creepy to me without the benefit of hindsight knowing that the relationship worked out amazingly well.
She can also take on predatory loans, take on insane risks and more. Yet, people with more experience or wisdom will ideally guide her away from that.
Not because she won't be fine, but because there's a higher probability that she won't be. And all of that is legal.
I think you are ignoring the fact that not everyone is looking for a serious long term committed relationship. Believe it or not a ton of people just casually date.
I worked at for my grandmother weekly starting at the age of 8ish (weeding, trimming bushes, mowing the 1 acre lawn, helping at antique shows). At 16 I got a PT 20 hour a week job and a FT job at 18. I maintained a B+ average in HS.
At 18 I started helping my mother care for my grandmother in her own house (doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc) all while working FT and then while going to college as well. At 18 I lived at home but paid my parents rent weekly. At 16 I paid for my own car insurance, my gas, cooked dinner for my parents every night, had my own credit card and sold on eBay in addition to working and being in school.
Not everyone at 18 is an immature party animal who has done nothing but goof off in HS.
I'm aware, and casual dating is great and all. Even still, there needs to be extra attention to the situation based on that difference in life experience.
EDIT: Also, even in relationships with people older than me, I try to be aware of changing expectations.
Like, some people will say things like "hey, I told her this wasn't serious" or whatever, even while knowing that their casual partner is catching deep feelings. So they don't feel like shit later on.
And that's one of the things that can happen in a relationship with someone much younger. Because they don't know what they want yet.
Well...of course. Obviously.
But 1) relegating someone to their age almost like it's a countdown can in some cases be a little concerning. It's giving me very Olsen twins.
2) People should try to have a justification for dating a younger person that doesn't make them sound like this guy:
I was a freshmen when we met and he was graduating, we met online and did not go to the same HS, he lived about 20 minuets from me at the time. He worked FT after HS until I went to college and we did the first 2 years together at the community college. He stopped with an AAS degree and I continued on to get my BA and then MS.
I don't know how I can "misrepresent" what you say by directly quoting your words, but whatever.
The bigger point is that you're essentially saying people in a relationship cannot have large discrepancies in life experience or else the relationship is inherently problematic. That's absurd. Two people in their 30s could have wildly different levels of life experience and have a very healthy relationship. Or have very similar experiences and be mired in toxicity. Their ages don't have any bearing on their life experience. If you want to say, "I think it's a good idea to date someone who is pretty similar to yourself in terms of life experience", then fine. That's perfectly sensible advice. But, as far as I can tell, you're making a moral judgment on people who violate your specific age brackets within which it's acceptable to date.
Now, if you think people under 21 have an inherent lack of maturity that essentially makes them children, then fine. You can make the argument that we should bump "legal age" up to 21. I respect that argument, I'd hear it out. But you're talking about differences in lived experience, and tying that inextricably to age.
Because the essential premise isn't different. People keep talking about difference in life experience being the important factor, and those are present no matter the specific ages.
Because there's no reason these comments wouldn't apply to me. If the whole argument is "people with very different levels of life experience shouldn't date, because it's creepy and wrong" then that absolutely is a direct comment at me.
And if the argument is "anyone under 21" or even "anyone under 25" is still a literal child, not responsible enough to have their own agency, then just say that.
Okay so...like my post said majority of what I wrote a 18-20 year old will not have experienced and you just confirmed that when trying to disprove it. You didn't live on your own and you didn't have any relationships prior.
I also never said anything about partying but okay? I've done almost everything you did and more since 16 and I still would never call myself mature enough to date a person in their 30s while I'm 19.
That's a great point.
Also, not to get too spicy, but I have listened to a doctor on a panel talk about the prevalence of mixed age relationships in gaming communities in particular.
Stop me if you've heard this one before: Person feels unwanted and like an outcast among people their own age. Along comes a young person who makes them feel wanted. They feel amazing when they're with this person. And even though they're not intending to groom this person or hurt them, they become reliant upon this person's attention and praises.
And that's how a lot of these instances that get blown up later start. After the younger person realizes that you, the adult took advantage of them in some way. Then you're in a Twitlonger.
Stop me if you've heard this one before: Person feels unwanted and like an outcast among people their own age. Along comes a young person who makes them feel wanted. They feel amazing when they're with this person. And even though they're not intending to groom this person or hurt them, they become reliant upon this person's attention and praises.
And that's how a lot of these instances that get blown up later start. After the younger person realizes that you, the adult took advantage of them in some way. Then you're in a Twitlonger.
No problem at all.
Just an observation that 28yr old me would never have wanted anything to do with a 19yr old. The difference in life experience by the time I was that age was significant. I had been married, divorced, owned 2 homes, finished college, and had gone back again and finished another degree. Like, I ain't got shit in common with a 19yr old!
Just an observation that 28yr old me would never have wanted anything to do with a 19yr old. The difference in life experience by the time I was that age was significant. I had been married, divorced, owned 2 homes, finished college, and had gone back again and finished another degree. Like, I ain't got shit in common with a 19yr old!
When I was a senior in high school there was a friend of mine who was dating a 29 year old and that dude was definitely a creep. It felt like he didn't have any friends his own age and needed all of us to look up to him or some shit.
Dating a 19 year old at 28 doesn't automatically make you a creep but it's not a great sign.
Dating a 19 year old at 28 doesn't automatically make you a creep but it's not a great sign.
Imo it's kind of creepy if you're actively aiming for 19 yo girls but it's okay if stuff happens in a more "organical" way. Tho it's probably not very likely it's gonna happen.
I would probably avoid someone a lot younger but i would try my hardest if i was madly in love with a 19 yo. But again, it's very unlikely, i don't think i even interact with people 5 years younger outside family.
I would probably avoid someone a lot younger but i would try my hardest if i was madly in love with a 19 yo. But again, it's very unlikely, i don't think i even interact with people 5 years younger outside family.
Show me a direct quote where I said the things you're trying to frame as "well you're basically saying". You're twisting my words. You may be quoting them, but you're intentionally misrepresenting the context in which they were framed.
Evident by this whole "you're essentially saying" and "If you think". You know full well my posts state that these aren't what I mean but you keep going with it anyways. I don't care how you want to read it. I specifically told you how I meant it. My argument about life experience is the difference between experiences in Highschool and experiences in life 10 years post Highschool. Two people in their 30s is irrelevant.
My posts began with me speaking to someone who said they dated a 19 year old when they were 31. It's how I bumped down a year to ask if the 18 and 30 hypothetical was cool just because it's legal.
Again, read my posts and stop misrepresenting what I said.
what do you have in common with a 19 year old? the fact is that you at 28 have a hell of a lot more life experience, and are likely far more established in life than she is. there are power dynamics at play here that you just can't avoid, and I personally wouldn't do it because of that
Agreed. It's not illegal but it's definitely creepy. I have to imagine the poll would be much more lopsided had it been a 28 year old male pursuing a 19 year old female.
An 18 year old dating a 21 year old is fine because that's a three year age difference, same with a 19 year old dating a 22 year old and a 20 year old dating a 23 year old, because again, it's a three year age difference and that's a healthy enough difference in terms of maturity and relationship dynamics.
Most people on this website are definitely above the age of 21 so the thought of dating an 18 or 19 year old shouldn't really be on the cards when they can find people closer to their age range.
There's a world of difference between the maturity of a 19 year old and a 21 year old.
🤢🤮
Yes, she can date whoever she wants but large age gap relationships have legitimate morality issues.
So what would the poll be if it was a 28 year old woman flirting with a 19 yr old man?
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